No matter how many times I say no, they still keep expecting it of me

[IDoCareButDontWantToBeTheirCarer]

Background: I am a single parent to a disabled child. My DD is almost 10, part time wheelchair user thanks for a genetic condition and also has general learning difficulties, speech and eye sight problems – she can walk and talk and see things but she struggles. She also has other conditions.

I love her with all my heart and will never not care for her but my life is full on with her. Between her admin, my own admin, keeping on top of the house and the disrupted nights I don’t have time for proper friends – all my friends are online ones who’re in a similar position so know I can’t meet up often.

I do not have the condition she has, it’s most likely one of those things. I have never had and never will have any other children apart from DD, because I am so tired by being her all. I often have to change plans at the drop of a hat and even when she’s at school/her dads I don’t get a proper break from caring for her – I do not mind this, as I said I will never not care for her, I chose to bring her into the world it is my duty therefore to take on the responsibility of caring for her. I receive carers allowance due to DD being on DLA (HRC and HRM for anyone who understands how it works – which is a lot for a 9-year-old so her needs really are very high when she’s bad). DD is also at a specialist school and has been since Year 1.

To the issue: One of my parents has recently been diagnosed with a life limiting illness and will need round the clock care in the coming years.

Parent has asked me and sibling to share the caring responsibilities. I have said no, I have enough on my plate with DD, and I cannot give anymore. The little time I do have is for me to rest so I can be the best parent and carer I can be to DD. I have stated that my preference is a care home/hospice type set up, I would visit but not provide care.

Parent has made it clear they are against either a care home or hospice type set up, they want to be in their own home and be cared for by their children. I have again said I will not be providing care and if sibling chooses to support parent, they will be providing the caring alone. I am happy to have a smaller share of the inheritance or even receive none at all (I literally don’t care) if parent feels it’s unfair for sibling to provide the care with no gain over me.

Sibling and parent have both said I am disgusting; I should want to care for my parent until the end and that’s the reason parents have children. Apparently, that’s why you have children. They have also said DD doesn’t need me 24/7 given she goes to school and her dads, so I can commit to at least 1 or 2 days a week caring as it’s my responsibility and duty to care for my parent. Sibling says they’re in a similar set up to me – they have a wife and 2 DC – and they manage to care for siblings ILs so I have time and I am using my DD as an excuse.

Parent said I could ask my other parent (different to siblings) to have DD for me so I can provide care and take the burden off sibling or I could ask ExH or his parents to have DD more so I can provide for my parent – but I can’t ExH already provides more care that he’s comfortable with and Ex-PILs have jobs and other commitments. Apparently when Adult Social Services become involved they are telling them exactly this, that I do have time and can commit I just don’t want to because I couldn’t be responsible if it kicked me in the face and I will be made to live up to my responsibilities.

I really don’t have time, DD is with her dad now until tomorrow (inset day for school so she’ll spend the day with her dad to give me a proper rest), and I’ve already been down to his house twice since she went yesterday to drop off various things and to hug her because her dad just cannot provide the same level of comfort she needs. But my sibling thinks I am just giving in to DD and that she should have to learn to cope without me occasionally.

Am I going to be forced to care for my parent when DD is at school because they say I have to? I really cannot cope with it.

For context I live within 10 minutes drive of parent (because I am also within 10 minutes of ExH which is why I can drop everything when he asks me to) and sibling is 40 minutes’ drive so I can see how I may end up being expected to but I literally can’t. This post has taken me most of the day to write due to other things I have to do.

Keep saying no. Parents have no right to demand this of their children, and your sibling is having a go at you because they don't want the entire burden falling on themselves.

Put your foot down and keep it there.

Is it possible for your parent to stay with you for a couple of days and witness what you do or do you think it will fuel the fire and they won’t believe you?

You can’t. Social services won’t expect you to. Far better to declare it at the start so proper arrangements can be made.

That said, there may be better ways to explain, rather than saying you prioritise your daughter over your parent-
for example say how unreliable you would be as DD has high level needs; that you worry you wouldn’t manage as you already depend on other people to support you with DD. You can’t ask them for more than they already do.

And maybe find a way to show you care about your sibling and the impact on them, as well as worrying about your parent and their illness. Some times people’s big demands are actually a request for sympathy rather than support.

No you are not going to be forced to care for your parent.

Social services cannot force anyone to care for anyone else,

In my experience family can really lay the guilt on - your parent does not want to go into a care home and doesn't care about your DD because to them their needs come first,

I am severely disabled following an accident, I use a wheelchair and struggle to walk. My brother lives on the other side of the world and I'm the only family my mum has left,

She confidently informed me about a year ago that she didn't want to go into a care home ever and wanted me to nurse her at home at the end. I pointed out that I can't bloody walk much less lift or move her so she was living in la-la land.

Following a few holidays with me she has realised that it is impossible (and I have also said it is impossible) and she is now "resigned to it".

Frankly I'm frailer and iller than she is and have been for some time!

Just keep saying that you are sorry but you can't commit. Don't argue with them or try and defend yourself just keep repeating the same line.

The fact they are being so horrible to you hopefully makes any guilt you might be feeling disappear.

This is not the reason most people should be having kids at all.
When exactly are you supposed to have a life or even just a break? Giving you a good life is what your parents should have been having kids for.

Keep saying no. If they won't relent stop responding at all.

No No No! Your mother and sibling are being totally unreasonable. You should always put your children first. You are doing a great job now. I am a parent and grandparent. I Would never in a million years want my children to look after me. Your mother is being selfish.

Agree.

You're allowed to say no. Even if you were not caring for your disabled child you could still say no.

Hour needs matter too and I’d be doing exactly as you are in your situation. Your daughter is your child, as long as she is cared for, you can prioritise yourself.

"that’s the reason parents have children"

Words (almost) fail me - so in their opinion people have children just so that they can look after them in their old age! I bet you never realised parenthood was so transactional did you? Have you asked them how they think that's going to work out for you then? They sound awful and as if they don't care at all for their disabled granddaughter. Shame on them.

Op you have absolutely no obligation to help. They are vile to be bullying you. Your dd is a very lucky girl having such a dedicated dm. Your dps should be proud. Not criticising you for being better people than they are...

Have they ever helped you care for your daughter? I’m thinking not much.

You have enough going on and you are right to say no. I am so sorry you are being treated this way.

You're not being unreasonable. Even without having a disabled child to prioritise many people would say no to doing this. Parents can't just demand care from their children because they want it.

Morally I think the adult children should be advocating for their parents and ensuring care is in place but it's not always the right thing for them to do the care themselves.

SS will not make you care for them, it's not within anyones power to do that.
Everytime they phone and ask again say no, if they start to go on hang up, every. Singe. Time.

No x100
what monsters your parent/sibling are

Sounds like you have your plate full. They can’t make you do anything.

To be honest you could offer a meal a week and make extra for them or emergency care occasionally -

Full in care - nope.

Is this your dad and brother? Both of them need to find another solution, they are being completely unreasonable and unrealistic. This situation will inevitably fail. Maybe do a schedule of where you can and make sure it’s an hour here and there and leave that with them. Don’t be guilted. They both sound awful.

@skelter83 Yes dad and brother

Wow!

So you are essentially “selfish” for refusing to dedicate time you simply don’t have to additional caring duties?

The fact that they think this is in amy way a reasonable ask speaks volumes. They clearly have no real insight into your life.

Fuck them. Tell them your stance is “100% no” and if they can’t handle it and continue to push you will cut them off - and follow through too if necessary!

Your parents are not your responsibility. Your daughter is. Keep saying no. Never say you are sorry. Never explain and never apologise. Go LC if you need to. They are trying to wear you down with their constant demands. Don't let them.

Are there bot

What a surprise!

Sorry, are there not any carers able to come? Even if you contacted them to say that you cannot help?

@Elieza My dad wants to be cared for by his children not strangers as he puts it

Just keep saying sorry no, I am a full time carer already. My DD needs my full attention even when she is not with me I am still dealing with her care needs.

You simply don't have capacity OP. Just say no

No no no they need to sort their own care.

It's none of your responsibility. You have enough already.