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Original poster

Argh just had a blazing argument, feel shit

151 replies

MaltipooMama · 02/06/2024 14:49

So my partner and I have a 6 month old baby boy, we adore him and he's getting to the age now where he loves being around us and is fascinated by everything! Obviously weather is great at the moment so we've been spending weekends outside with him, playing, having bbqs etc and it's been amazing. So the problem... my partner has just dropped in during conversation that football pre season starts basically this month which takes him away from 12-5pm every Saturday. He's played for this team for as long as I've known him and I always knew football would start again as he said the season kicks off again in August/September but I just thought we might have a few more months to spend together with the LO as it's his first summer and it's been so nice being able to spend the weekends together with him. We've just got into a BLAZING argument and both said some not very nice stuff. Feel absolutely shit about this, he wants me to be supportive and happy for him to go as football does and always has meant so much to him. But I can't help but feel like our first summer with our baby is over before it's even started 😢

OP posts:
Hotnamehere · 02/06/2024 14:52

It's 5 hours on a Saturday. You still have the rest of the weekend to do stuff. I don't think you should make him give it up.

OneThreadOnly · 02/06/2024 14:54

I think you are being a bit dramatic about it, Sunday can be family day. Do you get time to have a hobby though, that’s what would bother me.

PossumintheHouse · 02/06/2024 14:54

As you point out, he's been playing for his team since before you knew him. It's unreasonable to expect him to give up his hobby when it's only five hours on a Saturday. You still have all of Saturday morning and evening and the full day on Sunday to enjoy summer with your baby.

Amsooverthis · 02/06/2024 14:56

Surely there's some half way house here, he should be prepared to accept that every Saturday is not realistic as he has become a father. In turn you need to accept that your version of this summer might not be what he had envisaged and it's healthy not to expect all weekends together. Is he prepared to do childcare Sundays........? Not that you want the weekend to be separate but it's an interesting question to broach

unbelievablescenes · 02/06/2024 14:56

You're being controlling. My exh gave me so much grief about me ha I g a hobby to keep for, I gave up. We are now divorcing and I should have left way sooner as I lost myself for years. He should go to football, you should negotiate when you get time to yourself, and the rest is family time. Having a child does not mean life as you knew it ends, you are both still individuals too.

Ohd · 02/06/2024 15:00

You are being unreasonable in my opinion. You want him to change something that is important to him. Just because you have had a baby it doesn’t mean you have to lose your identity. It’s a bit controlling to be honest.

ImthatBoleyngirl · 02/06/2024 15:02

It's only 5 hours. DH has always worked Saturdays so Sunday is our family day.

Singleandproud · 02/06/2024 15:03

Having hobbies outside the home is important for both parents, both for their own mental health and so that their partner gets 1:1 time with the child. So make sure you get some down time too.

You're seeing this as a negative, it's summer head to the park with some nice cold (alcohol free) cider, a blanket for baby to lay on and a camping chair and a good book if it's the sort of thing people go to watch and enjoy that time. It's likely that in another few years you'll be sat watching your child play football/rugby/tennis/ dance competitions/ lacrosse etc so you may as well embrace it now.

If not make a new tradition for you and baby for that time slot, perhaps swimming or forest walk etc something you two do together.

What you shouldn't do is sulk at home waiting for his return

HcbSS · 02/06/2024 15:03

You are being very controlling. You have all of Saturday morning plus all of Sunday. Sounds like you need a hobby too!

haddockfortea · 02/06/2024 15:05

Your dc is only 6 months old, and won't know or care about any of this really. They live in the immediate present. I understand how you feel, but your dp has been playing football for a long time, and you are being slightly unreasonable in expecting him to drop it completely. You will still have part of Saturdays and all day Sundays, so I wouldn't make a big thing of it.

My DH is a musician so you can imagine how much time he spent out of the house when my dc were little.

pastaandpesto · 02/06/2024 15:08

I understand why you're upset, OP. You'll get loads or responses telling you that it's only five hours, and you can use this as an opportunity to argue for five hours for your hobby on Sunday.

The reality is that the father ends up using 'his' time as me time, because that's his priority. Whereas the mother ends up using 'her' time as family time, because that's her priority and unless she prioritises it, it isn't going to happen - the reality is that there is not enough time in the weekend for both parents to have 5 hour hobbies, quality family time, and also do all the other mundane things that have to get done. It's very depressing.

HelterSkelter224 · 02/06/2024 15:10

Perhaps you could use this time to catch up with your own friends or family, or maybe go out for the morning for a family walk / breakfast or an activity like swimming and be back for 12? I get where you're coming from but it's important for you both to continue doing what makes you happy outside of baby. Otherwise you may end up resenting each other which isn't good for anyone in the long run. There may be something you'd like to do for yourself during the week like an evening exercise or yoga class where dad can mind the baby.

floppybit · 02/06/2024 15:10

If a woman came on here and said a man was forcing her to give up a hobby which is an important part of her life and good for her physical and mental health everyone would say that he was an arsehole. It's important for you both to have time to have hobbies or exercise. Be careful what you force him to give up as he will resent you for it, and that will damage your relationship.

StrawberryWater · 02/06/2024 15:15

I think you’re in the wrong op sorry. You both need time for hobbies and interests. He has his football for one day a week and as long as he makes time for family on the Sunday (and makes time for you to go off and do something you love) there should be no issue.

SirChenjins · 02/06/2024 15:17

I’m with you OP - it would be nice to pack the car up if it’s nice on a Saturday and head out somewhere as a family without rushing back so he can chase a ball round a pitch. I imagine you’re still on may leave so will be spending the week with friends or family and catching up with house stuff, so it would be good to have the limited time at the weekend together. Fine if it wasn’t so often or so long - a couple of hours on a weekend morning is fine - a quarter of the weekend, not so fine imo.

GrumpyPanda · 02/06/2024 15:18

HcbSS · 02/06/2024 15:03

You are being very controlling. You have all of Saturday morning plus all of Sunday. Sounds like you need a hobby too!

Pretty sure that if OP wanted a hobby/to go back to a hobby she wouldn't simply announce in to her partner! He's basically just told her she's the default childcare and doesn't need consulting.

N27 · 02/06/2024 15:19

yabu 5 hours a week on a longstanding hobby is not too much to ask. Could you no go and watch if you really want to do everything together?

monicagellerbing · 02/06/2024 15:19

It pisses down most of the time in this country OP, it might not the 'aren't we a happy family and isn't our baby amazing' summer you're hoping for. You're being ridiculous and twee. Who cares if it's 'first summer' 😂😂😂

footgoldcycle · 02/06/2024 15:21

Hotnamehere · 02/06/2024 14:52

It's 5 hours on a Saturday. You still have the rest of the weekend to do stuff. I don't think you should make him give it up.

But is it! How early does he need to set off! Drinks afterwards. I'm sure it's rarely 12-5.

Smartiepants79 · 02/06/2024 15:23

Why is it 5 hours?
I agree that he should be allowed to continue his hobby but even if they play a full 90 minute match, an hour for warm up and half time and half an hour to help pack up that only makes 3 hours?
Can it be made shorter? Or maybe a little bit of a compromise that you get a couple of Saturdays free across the summer time.

HawkersEast · 02/06/2024 15:25

SirChenjins · 02/06/2024 15:17

I’m with you OP - it would be nice to pack the car up if it’s nice on a Saturday and head out somewhere as a family without rushing back so he can chase a ball round a pitch. I imagine you’re still on may leave so will be spending the week with friends or family and catching up with house stuff, so it would be good to have the limited time at the weekend together. Fine if it wasn’t so often or so long - a couple of hours on a weekend morning is fine - a quarter of the weekend, not so fine imo.

Edited

Also just as nice to pack up the car and head out on a Sunday.

Bucket07 · 02/06/2024 15:26

Some quite harsh comments here. I get why you're disappointed OP. It is important you both have time for yourselves but you're at the stage with your baby when you don't want to be apart from them too often, so having "you time" probably doesn't seem so appealing! I think when you've both calmed down it would be good to return to this conversation and discuss the practicalities. 12-5 needs to mean 12-5, not drinks after till 10pm. He needs to be willing to do childcare while you have time to yourself on Sunday even if it's just for an hour to catch up with a friend, go for a walk etc.

PossumintheHouse · 02/06/2024 15:28

footgoldcycle · 02/06/2024 15:21

But is it! How early does he need to set off! Drinks afterwards. I'm sure it's rarely 12-5.

Show quote history

Eh? She literally said it takes him away from 12-5pm. Why read more into it!?

TheUndoing · 02/06/2024 15:30

Assuming that he’s expecting you to be looking after the baby whilst this is going on, then I really think he needs to be asking you not telling you.

It’s all very well saying the OP will have Sunday for family time, but when does that leave her with equivalent child free time to pursue her interests? Or does she have to sacrifice hers for them to have any time together as a family?

An occasional kick about with his mates is one thing, but 5 hours every Saturday?? What do they even do for all that time? Go to the pub after the match?

PurpleJustice · 02/06/2024 15:30

My DH used to do the same when DD was young. It was especially annoying when I was on maternity leave, when he was working long days Monday-Friday, then out all day Saturday.

It's hard being a new mum, your life is suddenly completely different and you watch your DH living just as he was before.

No one is really being unreasonable. Your baby is only 6 months old and you are both adjusting to your new situation.

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