Argh just had a blazing argument, feel shit

[MaltipooMama]

So my partner and I have a 6 month old baby boy, we adore him and he's getting to the age now where he loves being around us and is fascinated by everything! Obviously weather is great at the moment so we've been spending weekends outside with him, playing, having bbqs etc and it's been amazing. So the problem... my partner has just dropped in during conversation that football pre season starts basically this month which takes him away from 12-5pm every Saturday. He's played for this team for as long as I've known him and I always knew football would start again as he said the season kicks off again in August/September but I just thought we might have a few more months to spend together with the LO as it's his first summer and it's been so nice being able to spend the weekends together with him. We've just got into a BLAZING argument and both said some not very nice stuff. Feel absolutely shit about this, he wants me to be supportive and happy for him to go as football does and always has meant so much to him. But I can't help but feel like our first summer with our baby is over before it's even started 😢

How is your six month old two stone?! My five and a half year old is 120 cm and just over 3 stone

Ooh I think this is really level headed advice, thank you. I think everything you have written here is spot on. And yes, re the AIBU that's exactly why I didn't post it there, as that is absolutely not my question and I just wanted some advice on how to manage my expectations around this, yet I have had multiple "yes you are being unreasonable replies" 🤦🏻‍♀️

Yes I agree, an all day Sunday hobby wouldn't ever be something I would consider either for this very reason

That's the genes on my side to blame lol, my brother and I were exactly the same as babies, we were both incredibly chunky! By 2ish it had all gone and we both grew up to be athletes!

So you are bbq'ing every Sat lunchtime

maybe you could bbq in the evening from 5.30pm ?

not sure how much enjoyment a 6 month old gets from char grilled sausages/burgers/chicken/steak corn on the cob / hallumi cheese

Yabu

My DS was 12kg (so just under two stone) from 10 months. Some babies are just big. 🤣

Totally agree with this. My DH and I have a ten month old and we both take time for exercise but we would never take 5 hours every Saturday, that's really excessive and would totally cut into family time. Our hobbies can be done before say 10-11am (each taking turns on Sat and Sun) while the other has the baby and then we can spend the rest of the day together. Very occasionally he will meet up with friends but that's only every couple of months or so. I think your DH is being very unfair.

Glad to help. A few people have been a bit unnecessarily sharp, I think. You’re having a period of change and adaptation. There will be the occasional stumble, but as long as you’re kind to each other and try to listen, you’ll be okay.

Well you could do what MN always suggests which is he gets Saturday to play football, you get Sunday to do whatever you want. But that's never the solution people think it is as what you really want is family time.
However, you say he has always played football therefore it would be completely unreasonable to expect him to give it up. But it would be unreasonable of him not to make time for your family. I hate the idea of prescribing how time will be spent, but maybe that's the way you have to go. That time on Saturday is his time to do the sport he's always enjoyed. So another time should be put aside for family time.
This also models a good relationship and life balance to your child. Who knows, maybe they'll like football too and Dad can take up coaching.

I didn't ask

5 hours isn't that long. If you have a family breakfast / walk in the morning then he should easily nap for 2-3 of them. Hardly much time to kill then before DH is home at 5pm.

Just make the most of the mornings. Get up early (you can nap with the baby later on!)

You talk about having a dysfunctional family and trying to make little ones as wonderful as possible which is great but be aware of trying to fit on to much stuff right now as a baby he is just as likely to benefit from laying on the ground in the garden watching the world pass as any big event you organise.

I did similar and then by the time DD got old enough to actually enjoy the places I was bored stiff of them.

Only difference I would say with my little one is he only sleeps for 2 hours a day, afternoon nap is only an hour! I just don't think he needs the sleep, he's got boundless energy and is constantly laughing and smiling but yes I do see what you mean with your other points!

I am definitely guilty of doing this!! I think we've been out doing something virtually everyday over the past two weeks, yet he seems to enjoy lying on his back in the garden banging helium balloons just as much!

He's in a team & has commitments to them as well as you. Your baby isn't going to care less that he's not with you every Saturday. He's standing by his commitments to his team - you should support him in that. The bext day, you can do family stuff. In time, you'll probably be glad to have some time apart. There's nothing stopping you from taking your baby out in your in & having some precious Mum & baby time together.

Let’s be honest, he is going to be away all Saturday. Not a lot is going to happen before he leaves for football.

The reality is that the father ends up using 'his' time as me time, because that's his priority. Whereas the mother ends up using 'her' time as family time, because that's her priority and unless she prioritises it, it isn't going to happen - the reality is that there is not enough time in the weekend for both parents to have 5 hour hobbies, quality family time, and also do all the other mundane things that have to get done

This is spot on. Absolutely spot on @pastaandpesto .

It's good that he's open to the idea of missing the odd game, but can yuu imagine him saying on a Saturday morning, "malti, it's such a beautiful day, what do you say I sack off the footie and we all go to the beach instead?" Because unless he occasionally prioritises family time over football because he wants to, it casts you in the role of being the one spoiling his fun, and him being the gracious, self sacrificing partner.

I think perhaps it's the fact that he is taking a passive role in prioritising and planning your time as a family that is the real issue.

That said, I'm the planner in our relationship and yes it used to piss me off until I eventually realised that actually on balance I prefer it this way. It's a two sided coin.

Sunday is plenty to be together as a family. Just make sure to be VERY clear that you are taking the 5 hours between 7am and 12 to yourself. How lovely!

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This!!

And also the fact that his hobbies are taking priority and everything else is organised around it. Why??

That’s true for anyone suggesting the OP is unreasonable because they have the whole if Sunday together.

I mean, if, in a few months, the OP decides that afterall, she wants the same amount of time for herself and goes away fir 5 hours every Sunday, what sort if family life are they going to have?

I think you’re trying to create issues (maybe because you like drama or because you are sleep deprived and a new mum with anxiety).

You’ve chosen to get a puppy whilst having a young baby, which is your own doing.

You could leave the puppy at home or if it’s too long then put the baby in the pram and take the puppy on the lead and tie it to the pram.

Do you have any family or close friends?
You could use these Saturdays to see them and then the rest of the day can be spent with DH.

Its not nice having arguments but having a baby is stressful and it just seems you both overreacted.

You both need to apologise for saying the nasty things and then move on from it.

@MaltipooMama your big issue is that he is carrying in with his life like if he was still a single man with no children

He doesn’t plan things as a family but plans his hobbies very well.

He expects you to organise family life around him - AND you expect that from him, thinking it’s normal (see the fact you would never ask him to stop playing football). Why? Having a child is a really big change. And just as much as it’s good to keep some hobbies and a life outside being a parent, your life still need to adjust. Where has he dine his adjustment? What has he given up? And what have you stopped doing?

Id say it’s time to reframe what family life is, what each of you will contribute and how. Otherwise resentment will build. More than a few annoyed exchanges like the one you’ve had.

A 6 month old who is 2st in weight? None of our 3 weighed that until they were about 2 years old.