Argh just had a blazing argument, feel shit

[MaltipooMama]

So my partner and I have a 6 month old baby boy, we adore him and he's getting to the age now where he loves being around us and is fascinated by everything! Obviously weather is great at the moment so we've been spending weekends outside with him, playing, having bbqs etc and it's been amazing. So the problem... my partner has just dropped in during conversation that football pre season starts basically this month which takes him away from 12-5pm every Saturday. He's played for this team for as long as I've known him and I always knew football would start again as he said the season kicks off again in August/September but I just thought we might have a few more months to spend together with the LO as it's his first summer and it's been so nice being able to spend the weekends together with him. We've just got into a BLAZING argument and both said some not very nice stuff. Feel absolutely shit about this, he wants me to be supportive and happy for him to go as football does and always has meant so much to him. But I can't help but feel like our first summer with our baby is over before it's even started 😢

I can understand your disappointment, but he’s going to do this anyway.

Your best bet is to make sure there is a planned structure to your weekends.

Every Saturday morning, from baby’s waking time to 12 , your partner has sole parenting and dog responsibilities. You can lie in or go to the gym- whatever you want.

Sundays are family days.

You get an evening of your choice each week too.

YANBU OP.

My DP is the same, plays for a semi-pro team and it is part of his income. He has done it since I've known him and I love him playing, it's something I find attractive about him and he is so good at it.

BUT...

It is the only thing we argue about. It isn't just 5 hours on a Saturday, it is usually from 11am until 7/8pm- for 8 months of the year. 8 months of the year I spend alone on a Saturday, tagging onto other people's families and plans and if I want to do something myself, god forbid, I have to scrabble around for childcare. It quickly became unsaid that he basically owns Saturdays. While I was on mat leave last year I kind of sucked it up but I'm working again now and need to have more flexibility on the weekends. We actually sat down last night and properly discussed it for the first time and he has now agreed to cut down to every other week.

It's lonely.

Bit over dramatic - 5 hours and dc will probably nap for half of that. It’s not ideal but I don’t think you can change it. I think it will help massively if he prioritises family time on Sundays and during the week evenings

Just be grateful he's into football and not golf 🙈🤣

How about you agree to have Sunday as a family day? I'd suggest on Saturday he can go to football, but make sure either before or after you also take yourself off for some time by yourself whilst DH has the baby - otherwise you'll resent his football.

Yes, @Inertia suggestion is what we do. DP plays football and it's 3 ish hours if it's a home game (they have to set up the goals and then there's faffing) or nearer 5 if it's away. It does annoy me because it cuts across the weekend (I have hobbies but timing of those is flexible). So I am brutal about making sure I have the time back on a Saturday.

But he also knows he doesn't play if there is an important event or something pre planned, e.g. next week we're going to a festival. Make sure you take your own time equivalent.

I do think it's important you both keep things you enjoy, which you do alone or with other friends.

I know this isn't the point but are you seriously saying your 6 MO is almost 13kg? That's the size of my 3 year old.

You don't have to stop having a life when you have a child.

Sorry but YABVU, he needs time out and so do you.
My OH used to play cricket on a Saturday which was 10-8pm! I'd have killed for a 5 hour stint rather than an 8 hour one. I also had two babies under 2. Sunday was our day together and it worked well. But I also made sure I had time to do things I wanted to do during the week such as exercise classes or seeing friends.

No. But you do need to have one that you consider much more carefully, I think. Because you are jointly totally responsible for another human being when you have a baby. And if you are out doing something else, then your decision has a very profound impact on someone else (the other parent) and her agency. His announcing that he will be out every Saturday means that he has effectively removed any choice from the OP about how she spends her Saturday. She will be looking after a baby. So, sure - he wants to go to a football match every so often. Fair enough; I’m sure she’d like to go to the theatre/shopping/for a lunch with friends from time to time as well. Perfectly reasonable. But every weekend for the bulk of the day? Not reasonable at all in my book.

Give him his 6 hrs on a saturday. You leave him with DC on a Sunday and you take 6 hrs out too.

Can't believe the comments on the size of your baby 🤦‍♀️

I'd feel the same as you tbh. I'd be quite annoyed inside. But I will say in a few years Saturdays will be taken up with kids bloody parties & then you'll long for a quiet Sat to do nothing 😅

And bang goes their weekend family time. No trips out with their baby, no lunches together, no visiting friends and family together. When both parents are working these times as a family at the weekends are precious.

Absolutely this.

I’m friendly with a couple who basically tag team with their child - if one is home, the other is travelling for work or pleasure. And I’m sure it works well for them: they both have “vocational” type careers. But they get very little time together as a family (it’s a social media post event!) and it’s usually just a fortnight’s holiday in the summer and an odd special day out. To be fair, it clearly works for them and it’s none of my business - but they seem to have their relationship (which is strong to be fair) and then they coparent their son. But that little boy doesn’t seem to have much of a traditional “family life” at all. It wouldn’t be my preferred way to live.

Take 5 hours out for your own hobby each weekend.

His priorities will soon change.

It’s never 5 or 6 hours is it? The football will take all day involving much beer and match analysis in the bar afterwards. (If rugby is a guideline) Hard to win here. If he doesn’t go, he’ll resent it and if he does go, you’ll resent it.

Can only suggest you find something you want to do. The baby won’t care till they are much older. When sproglet is a bit older, they might like to watch dad for half an hour or so and then go and play or whatever.

May I suggest an evening class or a swim or something one night a week? Leave sproglet with dad.

“Allowed”?

Speaking from experience here. Just let him enjoy his football. The football doesn’t last all year. He will really resent you otherwise. Arrange something for you and DS on Saturday afternoons if you can. 🌺

Sounds to me like you have made a big deal out of nothing much. Let him play his football and plan around that. And if you book a weekend away then I'm sure he can skip a week.

Quite surprised how many are basically saying baby's Dad can drop his parental responsibilities because Football is more important!

Yep very eye rolly

Um. And why can't LO go with him at least every other game?????????

My husband played rugby before I met him & is still playing 40 years later. I used to my babies/children to the matches, giving them fresh air, & when older allowed them to play with other children while I chatted to the other wives & girlfriends. Would stay for a couple of drinks after the game & then go home for a BBQ or get a takeaway for tea. I still go to the games, where my sons now play on the same team as my husband/their dad. Make it sociable for you all.

Seriously 5 hours in the daytime on a Saturday and you’re complaining. You’re being irrational and unfair. This isn’t a battle I would be fighting.

I don’t think people are saying that.