Argh just had a blazing argument, feel shit

[MaltipooMama]

So my partner and I have a 6 month old baby boy, we adore him and he's getting to the age now where he loves being around us and is fascinated by everything! Obviously weather is great at the moment so we've been spending weekends outside with him, playing, having bbqs etc and it's been amazing. So the problem... my partner has just dropped in during conversation that football pre season starts basically this month which takes him away from 12-5pm every Saturday. He's played for this team for as long as I've known him and I always knew football would start again as he said the season kicks off again in August/September but I just thought we might have a few more months to spend together with the LO as it's his first summer and it's been so nice being able to spend the weekends together with him. We've just got into a BLAZING argument and both said some not very nice stuff. Feel absolutely shit about this, he wants me to be supportive and happy for him to go as football does and always has meant so much to him. But I can't help but feel like our first summer with our baby is over before it's even started 😢

I'm surprised with so many people commenting "it's just 5 hours". It's never just 5 hours. After the game finishes he will most likely be too tired to do anything active with the baby.

Also 5 hours is almost another full day not at home, which the mum will have to pick up the childcare. The mum definitely can't pursue her hobby on Sunday unless they don't want to do anything together as a family. It's the husband living his old single life when the wife is sacrificing her time for his enjoyment. Their baby is young and she needs help.

Having said that, the husband sounds like he pulls his weight during the week. So good on him for that.

Reality is, the less time the husband spends with the baby, the baby will become more attached and reliant on the mum. That is something your husband will probably notice his son is more distant and will be his own wake up call to take on less games on his own terms.

To avoid resentment, start scheduling things you want to do and ask that he looks after the baby during that time. Might be that he looks after the baby after work and you go out with your girlfriends. Go out for a nice walk and breakfast on the Saturday and have your friends over your house for afternoon tea when he's gone.

It is much better for him to realise himself of the time sacrifice with his son. Sometimes they get a wake up call when they see someone else doing it. My husband realised he has a problem scrolling his phone when he's looking after our son when my brother was doing it. I've been telling him for a while but it's not as effective as him seeing it himself.

Or plan for a nice weekend road trip holiday once in a while so it will be a full weekend adventure.

Good luck.

I'd love to see his face if you decided to go and do a Saturday hobby leaving him with the baby.

I think 12-5 takes quite a chunk out of two days. I know for my own situation that would have been Saturday gone once all the normal week end jobs of shopping and cleaning are finished. I would urge you to ensure you also get an equivalent time doing your own hobby etc If you don’t then resentment could become an issue. However if you also take 5 hours away from the family unit at the weekend that’s a significant chunk of time of the weekend apart. that’s a dilemma for you I think. Ideally the kind of thing to be sorted out ahead of having children. It remains the case, it seems, that women’s lives are fundamentally changed by having a family while men continue with what they had previously plus children- very different experiences.

How unkind you are. Do you feel better for being so awful to what is a real person on the end of this post?

OP I get where you're coming from. It's a big chunk of time every weekend.

While it's a big chunk of time at once, I do think keeping up your own hobbies and interests is really important when you have a baby. I also don't think that he should have to curtail his just because you've chosen to limit yours.

I'm sure I'll be accused of sexism here, but I actually don't think many men are all that interested in family time with a baby who can't talk or walk yet.

All these people saying he'll resent OP if he stops, or he needs his own time etc... what about OP?? I feel pissed off for you reading this OP, I'm in the same situation though. I'm a head teacher, work ridiculous hours during the week and would LOVE to have every Saturday afternoon doing my own hobby but because unfortunately mine would be bottomless brunches football always comes first 😅

@violetcuriosity she says she doesn't want that at the moment, she wants to focus on baby.

Which is fine and obviously her choice to make, but she can't force him to make the same choice.

I'd get him to take the baby Saturday mornings from waking, and out to coffee shop/pool, then playground as they get older. That's a routine that divides up the day fairly, gives you a protected lie in which will do you good, and gets him being proactive about where he takes baby and making little plans.

I also think you are being hard on yourself. Worrying so much about one argument, and wanting your child's babyhood to be picture perfect as yours was dysfunctional. Try and be kind to yourself.

I have read the whole of your thread and do understand what your issues and concerns are. You do recognise that you have a pretty good partner. You have just over-reacted because of your idealised version of the near future. It’s best to focus on your happy times, together and separately, with your healthy child. Having a small child is a delight and isolating at times. I had insomniac twins and understand that company and support are vital. You have this. Try to focus on life for your partner too. He’s working, helping and trying to have a bit of time for his hobby. We all say things we regret. Time to have a discussion recognising this and move on?

OP, you do seem to have some very rigid ideas of how you want things to be. For everyone's sake, relax and let good things happen. It really doesn't matter if this summer goes the way you want or not.

I agree with this. At weekends we usually have one family day and one day where we all do our own thing.
Your partner will be busy 5 hours on a Saturday - plenty of time left to do nice things together.

I agree.

If he’s spending effectively a quarter of their family time at the weekend doing a hobby in addition to his weekday one then there has to be a recognition that he can’t just abdicate his responsibilities and leave the bulk of the lone parenting to the OP that day. It’s only fair that he gives her the same time back by taking the baby out somewhere for the full morning so that she can sleep in if she wants to, or catch up with hobbies in the house, or if she wants to go out then he deals with everything baby-related without phone calls asking her how to deal with x, y or z, or handing the OP the baby when he cries because her DP doesn’t know how to settle him, that kind of thing.

In fairness to him, you knew he was easy going when you married him.

as for the football, if he gives up for a couple of seasons it’ll be hard to re join

It's not that football is more important but it clearly means a lot to him and has been a big part of his life for many years. Maintaining your own interests and sense of self is important when you become a parent. For example, my passion is live music and I still frequently go to gigs (despite having parental responsibility!). My friend is a keen netball player and she plays matches every Sunday while her DH looks after the kids . My DH has a hobby which takes him away sometimes.
Maintaining these interests after having kids is important for our sense of wellbeing, our mental health, knowing that we don't only exist as "mum and dad".

Nobody is saying that

They're just saying that becoming a parent doesn't have to mean you no longer have any time for yourself or for your hobbies.

I see so many threads on here from (primarily) women complaining that they've lost their identities after having children because they sacrificed so much and now the kids are older, they don't know how to get it back.

Having a six month old baby isn't a reason not to play football or socialise with your friends.

My Dad used to play football and cricket. He was upset when their seasons began to overlap. Football has gone from being just September to May to pretty much year-round now. (My Dad ended up playing cricket all year round!)

I don't think it's that unusual and you will have Sundays. I know that's probably not what you want to hear though.

I wouldn't be very happy at all. People saying you're 'controlling' and its 'just' 5 hours are being ridiculous. It's 5 hours that takes out any opportunity to do anything meaningful on a Saturday, 5 hours that means you've no chance of a weekend away, and 5 hours that means you'll be stuck doing childcare/entertaining DC alone. It wouldn't do for me at all. However, you did marry and have a baby with a man who prioritises his hobby, and while it would be nice to think he'd compromise for time with his family, obviously he will tell you 'you knew how much football means to me', so you'll be on the back foot.

Would your dh be happy with you having a hobby that takes you away for half a day on a Sunday?

OP, I get it. It’s bloody lonely being a mum at home. But you can make Sundays a big deal and have brilliant family days then instead of on a Saturday. You can plan Saturday nights in with a takeaway once he’s home, or going out for a nice meal while the weather remains nice in the evenings, or a bbq in the garden. Please don’t pin everything on a Saturday, because they’re so overrated and the whole world and his wife is out doing family things! Sundays are nice and relaxing. Use Saturdays to see family or go and watch (don’t know why you have to take the dog though), or do a nice park or swimming with baby while he’s out.

It's 5 hours that takes out any opportunity to do anything meaningful on a Saturday, 5 hours that means you've no chance of a weekend away, and 5 hours that means you'll be stuck doing childcare/entertaining DC alone. It wouldn't do for me at all.

Exactly. It’s not a case of “thought I’d go and have a drink with X/a trip to the gym - what couple of hours slot works best?” It’s basically ensuring that she spends every Saturday in sole charge of a child. I think it’s hugely selfish.

So he can go do his thing, but OP has to wait until hes done so they can spend time together? Nope. OP go out and do your thing. Also, if that time off is so precious, why doesn't he limit the time at football so he can spend time with his family?

I think you've misunderstood me - I agree, he should limit his time at football so they can spend more family time together.

Not beyond the age of about 18 months. Then, Oh look! Mum's on her own with the child.

Spending his Saturday focused on his football is a single man's luxury.
Every weekend restricted by it.
I think it will become a sore point.
No weekends away because of games.
Saturday always being dominated by him getting ready to head off, clock watching.
This will not get easier, just worse.
Do not rush into more children when sports are such a priority for him.
As children grow things change and their activities become dominant, how will that work.
By him carving out such a huge chunk of Saturday, you have very quickly become default parent.
It is not a good basis for long term success.
Resentment will likely become a feature.
Do not feel guilty for not being happy with this situation.

I agree with you that 5 hours every Saturday is too long. Football practice could be one midweek evening whilst the nights are light or first thing Saturday to leave the rest of the weekend free. The whole of Saturday afternoon is annoying as hell.
That’s the practical issue, for me the most annoying part is the underlying issue that he’s defaulting childcare to you, he hasn’t suggested any other options, therefore you will always have the baby every Saturday for the majority of the day. If you would like a hobby or to do something child free, you don’t have him there and have to ask someone else for help.