Worth staying together for DC after an affair?

[Moppitymuppet]

Been with DH for around 14 years now. We have 2 primary aged DC.

Been trying to recover from the discovery of DH’s multiple affairs for 3 years now. Several OW spanning over a decade. Our entire marriage, essentially. And even before.

I can’t say it’s been easy and I still think about it most days. But I was determined to stay together for the DC. I also still loved him but as time goes on I am less sure. Probably because after a while of trying to fix things, and him making an effort, life falls back into how it was before. For a while things seemed better, in a weird way. I think they still are in that I feel at least all of that is now behind us. But sometimes I sense that he is just going through the motions. Maybe I am too. I don’t know.

I know there has been no further infidelity on his part. I still suspect he had lied about the extent of emotional involvement with the one I discovered. The others he told me about he swore were just sex. But I’m obviously not convinced he truly loves me given what he’s done, despite him promising he wouldn’t leave and wants to keep the family together. I expected him to leave for a long time. I’m only just starting to relax again, I suppose.

Is it feasible to think we can carry on mainly for the sake of the kids? Things are stable now. I finally feel more in control of things, and we’ve managed to get through three years since. I wouldn’t say I’m desperately unhappy. DH works a lot. I’m a SAHM. I can’t imagine breaking up the family when things are, for all intents and purposes, working. In a weird way I think things have improved but maybe I’m just deluding myself.

Anyone been through similar? I guess after infidelity there’s this frantic trying to fix everything and you have that to focus on as a team. So in a weird way after a while we felt closer. And now it’s like this new normal, and it’s good, he’s not cheating. He has done all the right things. We both want to do what is best for DC. I just don’t know how sustainable it is after everything because it will always be the elephant in the room, I suppose…

thanks for your thoughts x

I couldn’t stay. This pattern of behaviour has been pervasive throughout your marriage and it’s probably only a matter of time before he does it again. Things may not be awful, but you deserve better surely.

He cheated on you for ten years. You know exactly what he thinks about you.

Not a chance in hell would I stay with such a low quality man. There are loads of lovely men out there and you’re wasting your life with Poundland Man.

There’s no guarantee of meeting anyone else. That doesn’t bother me so much but it’s more about what is best for DC.

also it’s not like things are terrible. I am not unhappy necessarily, it’s just I don’t know whether long term this is sustainable. I just feel… flat about it sometimes.

I don't think it's worth staying together for DC for any reason. The idea that staying together in an unhappy marriage to do what is best for the DC is bonkers. They are not stupid, even as hard as you try, they will always pick up on an atmosphere or that someone is not happy. You think you'll be hiding it, you won't be.

I remember telling my own 12 year old DD and she cried with relief as she'd been living in fear that she'd come home from school one day and someone would just be gone. We were stunned, we'd done everything to pretend life was happy and normal.

What are the children actually getting out of this?

Deep down most children don't care about big houses etc and want to live in a happy home even if that means their parents separate.There are plenty of adults who will tell you they wished their parents had just split up instead of sticking plasters over their relationship, it makes their parents future unhappiness and loneliness their 'fault'.

Your husband will cheat again. He isn't going to change that. Can you live with that? Are you going to feel resentful when the children are finally grown that you've given him all that time? Can you just live as companions with your own spaces and rub along together or are you hoping he completely changes and starts treating you with respect?

Absolutely not

Once the trust is gone the relationship is dead , I'd much prefer to see children happy with separated parents

Let it go

I think you might benefit from working and therapy.

Do you think that now things have settled again that this was how things were, how you thought they were, when he started his infidelity, that in the back of you mind as the conditions are similar there is now a possibility he will get bored and look elsewhere again?

Did you ever threaten to leave? Just because you say "despite him promising not to leave" but you don't mention if you said you had said you were leaving.

Is it better for the DC to have a mum who is on edge about her husband? If you are at all?

And what are things actually like? Do you check his phone now? Are you totally relaxed who and where he is? Does he have to check in with you whilst out?

Have you kept this all secret or have you spoken to friends about this?

It might be possible to remain married but I would make it crystal clear one more infidelity and it's over I would also say that you haven't "been married" 14 years, legally yes, but you have only really been "married" emotionally as a couple since he stopped knobbing other women. Privately you should make this distinction. Well I would.

It's clear from your post this has caused huge damage to you. I don't think it's healthy for it to be the elephant in the room. That elephant needs to go completely to truly heal. How much remorse has he shown? Does he know the full long term damaged he has done? Your body has been living with emotional stress "I've only just started to relax" for three years.

Personally I couldn't live with what he had taken away. I am a SAH, married 2 decades, DC, but I always had an escape route. If my H had taken away what I thought was the first 10 years, whilst we had had our amazing babies, the joy, hard work, promises and memories of our love and family, for me to find out it was all a sham, full of lies and deceit, I wouldn't, couldn't forgive him. He would have taken too much from me just to get his end away. In short he wouldn't be the man I love, loved, had ever loved really.

I would go back to work and take him to the fucking cleaners.

Well this is the thing. We don’t argue. We do get along. The DC have a comfortable lifestyle, we wouldn’t have to move house if we split. He does treat me well, as I said, things have been better since the obviously fall out from the discovery, in a way. I’m just not sure, now the initial trauma has subsided, if this was how I expected things to be. So much energy went into ‘getting through it’.

now that we have and things are calmer I just don’t feel how I thought I would. It still doesn’t feel ‘normal’ and not sure if that’s me having unrealistic expectations because naturally things can’t go back to how they were before.

He is not a terrible person which was why it was such a shock. He has made very real efforts to be a better man and husband. So I guess just wondering if I just need to adjust to the new normal and was wondering if it were a sustainable situation. DC are 9 and 7. They still seem so young.

Been trying to recover from the discovery of DH’s multiple affairs for 3 years now. Several OW spanning over a decade. Our entire marriage, essentially.

So you are desperately trying to hold it all together...... but what is HE doing - apart from going through the motions?

It may well be easier to just KOKO for the moment. But you need a plan. Because your gut is telling you that this is not going to end well. Leopards, spots et cetera...

You are a SAHM. You are vulnerable. I put it to you that, instead of hoping that he will change (he won't...), you focus your energy on getting yourself to a place where you can walk away if you choose to do so.

Where's your self respect op? You deserve better than this, come on now

I discovered that my now ex- husband had cheated several times (3 confirmed) when our eldest was 2. We had a year of counselling and things were much better. Like you, I wanted to stay for the family. My parents split when I was young and I swore to myself id never do that to my kids. We stayed together, had another baby. I was never the same again though. It affected my confidence so much and I was so scared he'd do it again. Guess what, when out youngest was two he did it all again (although I didn't find out until 2 years after the event).
We've been separated nearly 5 years now and the kids are thriving and I'm happy. They live with me, see him eow. He's not doing great and is a bit of a shit dad tbh. He showed his true colours during divorce and did some truly awful things to me and them. But the divorce is due through any day now and I will have my freedom.

My parents were married for 47 years until my mum's death in 2011. I would day they were unhappy for at least 30 of those years. Probably more. I became really aware of it when I was about 15. But I was the eldest of 5 children the youngest of whom was only about 2 at that point. I wish they had separated. As much as anything else from a purely selfish point of view it has given me an extremely warped view of what constitutes a healthy relationship. I am in the process of exiting my second marriage after putting up with so much over the last 20 years ( including infidelity) because I had normalised this. I still don't really know what a truly mutually supportive, happy stable relationship looks or feels like. But I know now that I am not in one. Please don't stay " for the children ". They will know and it will be good for them in the long-term.

I understand. I have been in a similar situation.
You don't need to rush to any decisions or actions. But perhaps start to think about how things could be different, how you could manage by yourself.
Could you get a part time job? Just to expand your horizons, and put your own money aside.
Because at some point things will shift and it will no longer be the best thing to stay together.

Op your scared to death of being on your own - most likely to do with your childhood - so your clinging on to a man that has zero respect for you.

Dont say this is for the kids

Get some therapy

Hi OP

I couldn't stay with my DH if he had cheated on me multiple times included before and after we married.

He has made a mockery of your whole relationship and marriage and for me it would be over just based on that! He doesn't respect and love you or your family to have done this got so long!!

What's best for your children is to grow up away from this behaviour. They need security, and they can have that with separated parents if you both handle it correctly. Not a false pretense from both of you. Staying for security and because you live a comfortable life is a very plausible reason but how long is that going to last would be in my mind.

Do you want them to grow up with your DH behaving this way and them thinking it's what marriage is about? I know I wouldn't...infact I didn't I left my ex partner when my DS was 6, very very hard at first but it was the best decision I ever made.

What's going to happen the next time somebody catches his eye OP?

You don't need to rush into anything but I would start planning and building incase

Wishing you all the best x

Thank you for your thoughts. To answer the questions… he will give me his phone if I ask to see it. But I had full access to his phone before and it didn’t mean anything as he was still cheating.

I told family and a few close friends. It has helped it wasn’t a huge secret I had to keep for him. Family gatherings are sometimes still strained but it’s very much a case of ‘the past is in the past now’.

and we have been married for ten years but together longer. First started cheating a few months before the wedding. I spent a long time wondering why he even married me when he told me. He says it was nerves and just being immature, basically. We’ve essentially had to rebuild a new relationship from scratch because the whole landscape changed.

I wouldn’t say I am ‘on edge’ as I am confident he hasn’t done it again and won’t, given the trauma we all went through. I don’t think there is anything untoward that would be detrimental to DC right now. I feel like divorcing would be worse. We both want what is best. He said he’d never leave his kids.

in terms of me leaving he said he was surprised I wanted to stay as he thought it would be immediate divorce. I did beforehand too I suppose! I have said if it happened again that would be it.

DC are happy, I just want what is best for them long term.

I always think "for the sake of the kids" is a bit of a gamble. I have three adult friends whose parents eventually broke up and it came out that there had been affairs and the parents have stayed together for the kids. The now adult kids have been left feeling that their childhoods were a lie and it has poisoned their memories.

That lovely holiday we all had in France where we were all happy and having fun? I wonder if Dad was sneaking off to text the OW and Mum was crying in the loo and once we were in bed?

That fabulous Christmas we had at Auntie Marie's? I wonder if Dad was sitting there wishing he was with the OW.

I wonder if a bit of my Mum resents me for having had to stay in a doomed relationship for so many years? Regardless, my Mum wasn't truly happy for most of my childhood and was putting on a brave face.

None of these are healthy thoughts for a child. And this situation is not healthy for you. Do yourself and your kids a favour and teach them what healthy boundaries look like and move on to find yourself true happiness that doesn't involve settling for a selfish idiot who has no problem with repeatedly shagging about behind your back.

I think you really need to be protecting yourself and start investing in your future. It sounds like you are financially reliant on him if you are a SAHP to school aged children. Perhaps look for work it might start to rebalance the relationship so you feel like you have more power and control ( and a back -up-plan if things go tits up).

I don't know what's best for the children. I think we all model to our children what a relationship should be, whether we mean to or not.

It sounds like you are essentially housemates - no big arguments but also no love or affection. Or respect.

I do think it might be good if you got back into working, so if there was a separation down the line you wouldn't have that worry. I also think a separation would be easiest under fairly calm circumstances (which is sounds like you have now), rather than during/immediately after an affair when there is naturally a lot of emotion.

Personally think staying together in this scenario IS better for children - basically co parenting under the same roof if you don't argue.

But no I couldn't continue to live as husband and wife.

I wouldn’t say it was entirely devoid of affection, we still have sex. It’s not a housemates situation.

but I obviously know in the back of my mind what he was capable of. That he was potentially in love with someone else despite denying it. I can see he is trying his utmost to be better and keep the family together.

just sometimes it feels like a bit of a performance. But I also don’t think he would be able to pretend for this long if he didn’t genuinely want us to be together. I never wanted to break up the family.

and yes I have looked into working but my salary would never compare to DH who has a ‘big job’! It would be more for self esteem etc than money.

If you are happy with the house, the lifestyle and the money then great, him cheating, because he will again (that’s his ego boost), is the price you pay for that.

You say the kids don’t know….well they might not now, but they will. Is that the behaviour you want to model for your kids. Stay quiet about infidelity and you get a nice house?

if I was you I’d get a job, line yourself up for the future.

He cheated for 10 years and works a LOT, now, but he's not cheating now?

What will you do when you find out that he's cheating (because he will/is)

What do YOU want? In your life, for you?

You can certainly stay for the children and in 10 years, when they leave home and you're left with a cheating DH, will you then consider living a life for yourself?

You sound so flat and meh. Life is about more than that

I know it is your life but I find it hard to understand how you can even bear to look at him let alone have sex with him.
I agree with pp who say it's only a matter of time before he cheats again.
I also agree with the pp who pointed out how when your children eventually find out at some point the reality of your marriage it will make them feel their whole childhood was a lie.

But I also don’t think he would be able to pretend for this long if he didn’t genuinely want us to be together. I never wanted to break up the family

But, how many times was he pretending things were fine? While cheating and sneaking and lying.

I don't mean for this to sound horrible, honestly, but some of your posts read like you feel sorry for him.