Worth staying together for DC after an affair?

[Moppitymuppet]

Been with DH for around 14 years now. We have 2 primary aged DC.

Been trying to recover from the discovery of DH’s multiple affairs for 3 years now. Several OW spanning over a decade. Our entire marriage, essentially. And even before.

I can’t say it’s been easy and I still think about it most days. But I was determined to stay together for the DC. I also still loved him but as time goes on I am less sure. Probably because after a while of trying to fix things, and him making an effort, life falls back into how it was before. For a while things seemed better, in a weird way. I think they still are in that I feel at least all of that is now behind us. But sometimes I sense that he is just going through the motions. Maybe I am too. I don’t know.

I know there has been no further infidelity on his part. I still suspect he had lied about the extent of emotional involvement with the one I discovered. The others he told me about he swore were just sex. But I’m obviously not convinced he truly loves me given what he’s done, despite him promising he wouldn’t leave and wants to keep the family together. I expected him to leave for a long time. I’m only just starting to relax again, I suppose.

Is it feasible to think we can carry on mainly for the sake of the kids? Things are stable now. I finally feel more in control of things, and we’ve managed to get through three years since. I wouldn’t say I’m desperately unhappy. DH works a lot. I’m a SAHM. I can’t imagine breaking up the family when things are, for all intents and purposes, working. In a weird way I think things have improved but maybe I’m just deluding myself.

Anyone been through similar? I guess after infidelity there’s this frantic trying to fix everything and you have that to focus on as a team. So in a weird way after a while we felt closer. And now it’s like this new normal, and it’s good, he’s not cheating. He has done all the right things. We both want to do what is best for DC. I just don’t know how sustainable it is after everything because it will always be the elephant in the room, I suppose…

thanks for your thoughts x

He's probably just got better at hiding it....

Sorry. Know a lot of serial cheaters (police).

I can share my own personal experience and can assure that you most definitely will be better off without him. Like you I stayed for the sake of my children. I was also embarrassed by my husband's behaviour.. I hid it for quite a while. It really affected my mental state, kind of ate away at me over 4 years.. then one day after many sleepless nights, a diagnosis of ptsd and the realisation that this person I married wasn't who I thought they was I got up and left. Took the kids and went - we'd discussed it several times and he made it quite clear he was going nowhere and I was effectively trapped. 2 year on (almost) I've turned my life around. I'll never trust anyone ever again and have no interest in starting again! My kids 9&11 at the time handled it so well. They knew I was not happy, they stepped up and we all made it work. I'm so proud of them it make me cry typing this. Please don't waste anymore of your time in this man, he deserves no more of your headspace! He doesn't respect you, I've said it a thousand times to myself and I'll say it again to you - people who truly love you don't hurt you like that. Sending love and strength your way xx

If he wants to stay for the children, chances are high he will leave when the youngest is 18. You've read it many times here on mn. Protect yourself, get some independence and start valuing yourself. You deserve better x

You're teaching your children that it's acceptable to treat people you supposedly love like shit. They may not realise now, but there's no way he'll stay faithful to you (why should he? He knows he doesn't have to), and they'll realise in time. I knew my dad was cheating before my mum did.

and yes I have looked into working but my salary would never compare to DH who has a ‘big job’! It would be more for self esteem etc than money.

Doing it for self esteem is a bloody good reason, op.

And as pp has said, it may be that your dh is also staying "for the kids". Which means once they reach adulthood, he goes - and while you'll get a decent settlement, you'll probably need to go back to work. Better to have a decent work history and have rebuilt a career than wait to be dumped on the job market with none.

Personally I think you should focus on building a fulfilling and independent (of him) social life and work life, retraining if necessary, while you're in the marriage.

That way if you stay but the decision is taken out of your hands you're in good shape for what follows.

And you may find you do want to make the decision yourself once you're more independent.

It's not going to be sustainable long term, you know that. If you are not unhappy then ruthlessly plan your future life whilst your situation is ok. Get a job, reconnect with friends, take up hobbies. Things just for you. Save money , make sure you know where all his money is. Keep your wits about you and then either when you are ready or unhappy or he cheats again, then you will be prepared. Either way it will build up your self esteem to work and have another identity outside the family. I was SAHM for 10 years so no judgment, but I work now and I needed that.

You model the relationships you want your kids to have.

would you want your daughter to be in a relationship like yours? To stay in a marriage because moving house is inconvenient and change is different?

if you think your happiness/relationship is the goal you want for you kids then carry on- inevitable children model their intimate relationships on their parents. This is the favour you are doing them by staying with your husband.

Thanks for the replies. Hard to respond individually but I do appreciate it.

I get that the sensible thing to do is to leave but it’s a case of better the devil you know I suppose. I seem to have ended up in this place of inertia where it’s all fine on the surface and now seems like a huge step to end it all when maybe I should have done it straight away.

I guess maybe I have been deluding myself thinking it’s fine and what is best. I don’t know. So much online says it is possible to reconcile and I feel my DH did all the right things (counselling etc) but equally I know it was extreme and not just a one off.

PP makes a good point, by all means stay for the children but play the long game, get yourself in work and start saving. I had a part time remote job paid fairly well.. cut back when I had the kids. h was a very high earner but he controlled all the money (and everything else for that matter). Gaining that independence has been so empowering! Focus of your future self, it's important that you do.

I wouldn't place too much faith in the "good relationship model" that people talk about. My ex's parents has a good, strong relationship as did mine and I thought we would have a good relationship because of it. He cheated and left me anyway. And actually the example of my parents strong marriage made me more vulnerable in this situation because I was literally unable to believe it had happened even when the evidence was right under my nose. Possibly a more cynical upbringing would have stopped me being so naive.

I'm not going to tell you to leave. That is up to you and for every divorce where everyone is much happier, there is one where its an absolute car crash for years afterwards. You don't stop having a relationship just because you're divorced if you have children together. My ex and myself have had numerous conflicts since our split.

What I will say is don't trust him to look after you. Marriage no longer means one party has any obligation to the other after a split. He may well stay until the children are grown, then leave you and you could be left in financial hardship and too old to compensate for this by establishing a career. Would half the assets be enough to live on for the rest of your life? What about your pension? A woman without dependent children cannot expect to be maintained by her ex after divorce these days. So my advice is to get a job and work towards getting a career while you are still young enough to do so.

Later you may want to leave him, but sort out your career first and this may well be easier practically and financially while you are still married and have his financial support for things like childcare, a cleaner etc. You cannot afford to be a SAHM in your situation. This us a matter of absolute urgency. Use him as much as you can while you can. Have no guilt about this, he has used you plenty already.

Perhaps sit it out until you find another indiscretion? I don't mean this unkindly. You say you feel inertia.....perhaps his next indiscretion will give you energy?

Plenty of people do stay together for kids and finances. Obviously as a SAHM, if you leave, you will be forced to get a job or go on benefits and that's a bitter pill if you're used to financial support and a high income. .

Everyone on here will tell you that you shouldn't stay and that your kids will know they likely won't but you don't need permission to stay with your DH from anyone on here.

But if you're staying for the DCs and finances, then I would suggest you check out emotionally, find your kicks and support elsewhere if need be.

I don’t think I am financially vulnerable as in a divorce I would get a fair settlement. That doesn’t concern me. I haven’t really thought about when the kids leave home. They’re still so little. They were even younger when I found out. Staying seemed like the best thing. And it feels strange to leave when things are fine rather than when it was a total horror show!

You will be very financially vulnerable when the DC are older - when they're over 18 you will have less protection in a divorce, won't have a great pension etc.

As others have said, you really need to focus on building your career, get counselling and legal advice to put yourself in a stronger position while you wait for him to cheat again.

The next time he cheats, he may decide to leave for his affair partner...

Further to my post above, if you need further education, retraining, a degree, a masters to restart your career, do it and get him to pay for it. Guilt free.

Choose your education wisely. You want maximum financial return on your education- no studying just for interest. Do not of course disclose why you are starting up a career. Just tell him you are bored and unmotivated at home.

Ignore the "I'd starve in a garret for the sake of my self esteem" crew. Use him ruthlessly to further your career and education. So if and when you want to leave, at a time that suits you, you can without too much hardship.

Your kids will follow your example of what to strive for in their relationships.

You need to get a job, it's reckless to be utterly dependent on a male who holds you in such contempt.

Ensure you get STD tests as often as possible. You know for a fact this man cannot be trusted in any way, so act accordingly.

I couldn't live like this. Id rather be on my own raising my two boys than with a man that doesn't love or care about me.

Are the posters saying she will be vulnerable financially in a divorce privy to some information that I haven't seen the op disclose? If not, how do you know? They might be millionaires and a 50/50 split would be plenty for the op to be mortgage free. The op has said she wouldn't be financially vulnerable, why not just believe that? Sure, get a job for the confidence boost, but she might not need one financially.

This, absolutely, 100%

I love how you are convinced he’s not currently cheating on you but “works a lot.” You didn’t know at the time before- you wouldn’t know now. Sorry OP I mean it in the nicest possible way: you are a mug to stay with this cheating sleaze. And you’re unfair on dc to stay with him too.

This man cheated on you even before you married and has done throughout your relationship. Was he actually remorseful or was he really sorry for his own self because you found out?. The fault lies with him and he has cheated on you repeatedly but you've stayed with him for your own reasons and you need to ask yourself why that is. Do you still love this man?.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships?. What did you learn about same from childhood?

Not sure if this will help, but as an adult I found out that my father had done this to my mother repeatedly over their marriage. She knew, and they stayed together ‘for me’. It has taken years of therapy to unpick all the low level, passive aggressive stuff I grew up among (very few arguments) and I am now finding it really hard to trust men because I have been so blindsided by this new knowledge of my father.

no arguments is not the definition of a happy home. Give your kids a chance to see you genuinely happy, and see healthy relationships modelled for them.

Men who are millionaires are quite good at holding onto their money in divorce. But in any case I did ask the OP if half their assets would be enough to live on for the rest of her life. For most people, even high earners this would be no.

No, it's definitely NOT worth it. Send your children a positive message about relationships and get out. Get yourself intensive person centered therapy to uncover why you have such poor self worth. Get to a lawyer, you can be happy.

I mean this gently but you say you’ve stayed foe the kids and they have a comfortable lifestyle. Are you using the kids as an excuse, do you mean you’ve a comfortable lifestyle and when it comes right down to it, you don’t want to give it up?

How sad that you both remained for the children’s sake

So you are both making a huge sacrifice

I do believe couples can survive affairs but by god ten years of cheating!

You are some woman for staying after such a large betrayal

my advice is take him for every god damn single penny you can get.

imo he was getting a need fulfilled somehow and how is that need getting met now?

is he wealthy? Assume so since he had many women keen on him!