Worth staying together for DC after an affair?

[Moppitymuppet]

Been with DH for around 14 years now. We have 2 primary aged DC.

Been trying to recover from the discovery of DH’s multiple affairs for 3 years now. Several OW spanning over a decade. Our entire marriage, essentially. And even before.

I can’t say it’s been easy and I still think about it most days. But I was determined to stay together for the DC. I also still loved him but as time goes on I am less sure. Probably because after a while of trying to fix things, and him making an effort, life falls back into how it was before. For a while things seemed better, in a weird way. I think they still are in that I feel at least all of that is now behind us. But sometimes I sense that he is just going through the motions. Maybe I am too. I don’t know.

I know there has been no further infidelity on his part. I still suspect he had lied about the extent of emotional involvement with the one I discovered. The others he told me about he swore were just sex. But I’m obviously not convinced he truly loves me given what he’s done, despite him promising he wouldn’t leave and wants to keep the family together. I expected him to leave for a long time. I’m only just starting to relax again, I suppose.

Is it feasible to think we can carry on mainly for the sake of the kids? Things are stable now. I finally feel more in control of things, and we’ve managed to get through three years since. I wouldn’t say I’m desperately unhappy. DH works a lot. I’m a SAHM. I can’t imagine breaking up the family when things are, for all intents and purposes, working. In a weird way I think things have improved but maybe I’m just deluding myself.

Anyone been through similar? I guess after infidelity there’s this frantic trying to fix everything and you have that to focus on as a team. So in a weird way after a while we felt closer. And now it’s like this new normal, and it’s good, he’s not cheating. He has done all the right things. We both want to do what is best for DC. I just don’t know how sustainable it is after everything because it will always be the elephant in the room, I suppose…

thanks for your thoughts x

It’s not that I feel sorry for him - I got past the anger a while ago. And it’s hard to explain to anyone else not in the situation but I see how hard he has tried since and I genuinely don’t think he would do it again. Maybe that makes me naive. I don’t know.

I guess part of me wonders if we’re on borrowed time, not because he will cheat again necessarily but because it’s been a few years since and as I said, I just don’t feel how I expected to. I guess I do feel quite numb. I don’t know if that’s normal.

You say you’re staying for the children. But as they get older they will see and understand much more, I will put money on that even if and it’s a big if, he never plays away again, they will find out about the past. They have away of finding these things out, I found out about my dad and they worked hard to keep that from me.

so when they find out, how do you think that will effect them, how will they believe his “I love the family and you can trust me “ speech. And more importantly what’s it teaching them about relationships.

personally, having been the child in this kind of marriage, I would say no more. It’s not as if it was once it’s been since before you were married! No have some self respect and teach your children that a commitment is not something you take lightly

We've stayed together but things had to change. It's just coparenting now, no romantic life. I know as a child I would have been devastated if my parents had split up and it would have destroyed me so I think staying is much better for ds. We get on fine so it works for us and the idea of starting all over again at 50 doesn't appeal at all. No one can say what they'd do until they've been in that situation themselves.

DS has no idea so don't listen to people who say 'they will know' or 'they will find out their life is a sham' - because his life isn't a sham, us not having sex any more doesn't make his life a sham. Do what's right for you as there are no black and white answers.

You're not happy.

I wouldn't be happy either, if I were you

There's no joy, and there SHOULD be joy

Not every minute of every day, but there should be joy

Maybe have some counselling for you .....to work out what you want

DH has tried for 3 years, you say. But for 10 years, he treated you like a piece of dirt

That hurt won't go away just because he's trying now. And doubt is a very tiring emotion

But this isn't best for the dc is it? Certainly not long term.

For what it's worth our kids had no idea we had issues. We covered it up very well so they were happy I guess and I did struggle a lot with the maybe I can just keep pretending. But you know what, I deserved better. I deserve a happy life too. And what I've realised now we've left is the impact we were having on the kids anyway. My ex was a very angry and reactive parent and I wasn't very happy, so life here is so much calmer as and full of joy and my eldest especially, is a much, much happier child.
You deserve a happy life OP

OP you sound traumatised. Did you and your husband access therapy at the time? You need this separately at first, then maybe jointly.

To be honest you could be so much happier if you separated. You could be living in a warm and joyful home and modelling what this looks like to your children so that they can achieve it as adults. Think about it.

You know what this life is like and it won't change. Make your decision based on the understanding that this is what it will be like. Also remember the kids will grow up so you will need another reason for staying together once they've flown the nest. You may well have one, or more...you need to be honest with yourself about what it is.

I think it's worth going back to work now your kids are at school. It will give you some financial independence and broaden your world a bit. That doesn't mean you must make any particular decision but it will help to inform whatever decision you do make.

OP you get ONE LIFE. You can have a life that includes joy, you deserve happiness and love.

He has no respect for you, and it is extremely likely that there will be another woman along soon.

This time she may want more. And given his inability to honour his vows I reckon of she wants him to leave he is highly likely.

You deserve a partner who respects and loves you. Nobody can claim they love someone while putting your health in jeopardy. I hope you have regular STI tests.

The children will see him for what he is one day, could actually find it out at primary school, my sister did. Children find it very hard to understand a mother putting up with cheating. It isn't the easier option.

You sound so incredibly passive/detached in your relationship, like everything's just happening and you are describing the events happening to somebody else on a screen or something.

You say you are staying for the kids but you know they won't be kids forever. In 8-14 years they will be of living their best lives and you will be sat at home with a compulsive liar and cheater. He will have a career and earning power and you will have.....what? A wasted marriage that should have ended years ago, kids that left home and no job at all so no earning power past minimum wage. While he swans off with his turbo powered dick to indiscriminately jizz into any and every woman he can find before worrying for an experiment wage, retiring with a a decent pension and you are going to be piss poor broke.

Get the job. Any job. Even if it's just for self esteem because honestly, it sounds like you desperately need to get some. Any, at all , is better than what you currently have. If you intend to stay you 100% need to be studying or entering the workforce in order to protect YOURSELF from the future you are sitting passively and allowing to happen to you.

Problem is that kids often find out what’s going on. You may be a good actress and you may convince them that the domestic situation is happy. But in a few years’ time the elder could see him out and about with a girlfriend, or one of their schoolmates could spot him with one and report back (the latter happened to a girl in my school year). Or they could notice a message from a girlfriend on his ‘phone. It’s a risk.

What if he falls in love, opts to leave you, and the decision is thereby taken out of your hands? Are you prepared?

I think you need to ask yourself if wanting to avoid paid work is informing your decision too. Be honest with yourself. Maybe you’re ok with this situation because you see it as a relatively easy option (apart from the cheating) and it’s not totally about the kids at all.

Whatever you decide - good luck.

I’m trying to keep the facts as simple and brief as possible, on some level maybe I am detached? But equally I feel I am over the worst of the emotional pain of the actual cheating. So I don’t want to go off on a huge rant about it.

It’s more whether this feeling is normal a few years on - there’s so much online about immediate aftermath. Not so much what happens when for all intents and purposes you have successfully ‘reconciled’. But life isn’t as it was before.

I don’t think I am financially vulnerable as in a divorce I would get a fair settlement. That doesn’t concern me. I haven’t really thought about when the kids leave home. They’re still so little. They were even younger when I found out. Staying seemed like the best thing. And it feels strange to leave when things are fine rather than when it was a total horror show!

I do think I need to get back out there just for my own sake and to have something to focus on outside the home. But obviously my self esteem took an absolute beating when all this happened. I couldn’t function for months. I couldn’t have even considered it before now.

Moppity

re your comment:
"just sometimes it feels like a bit of a performance. But I also don’t think he would be able to pretend for this long if he didn’t genuinely want us to be together. I never wanted to break up the family."

What did you personally learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

He was certainly able to pretend when he was off with other women and I would think he is biding his time now till the next opportunity presents itself. These types of men also compartmentalise their life extremely well.

You haven't broke up the family; he's done that by his actions and repeatedly to boot. No wonder your self esteem and respect are on the floor because your presence also gives him the respectability of he still being an upstanding family man.

Better to be from a so called broken home than to remain in one. Your marriage is a smashed vase, the vase is now "fixed" with the cracks plastered over. Those cracks are still there.

What hard work did he himself put in to rebuild this marriage?. What did he do to regain your trust?. Did he go to therapy sessions on his own and with you present?. He may now have got through it but you haven't and you remain numb.

He's cheated on you multiple times and you're still there mainly because of the kids (and perhaps a fear of the unknown going forwards). The kids are no reason or basis to remain within this marriage; you've been staying for your own reasons and its nothing whatsoever to do with them. You cannot and must not use your kids as some form of glue to bind you and this man together. I do not doubt at all your kids are happy and on the surface they are but they also see all your reactions, both spoken and unspoken, to him.

What would you suggest he/she does if one of your children in adulthood told you that they had discovered their partner was cheating on them?. Would you tell them to keep shtum for the supposed "sake of the kids" (when it is really for your sake) or in order to have a lifestyle to maintain?. That is what you are doing here currently and the wheels will come off.

If you have both agreed this have you both gone to couples counseling and / or has he gone to therapy for his chronic infidelity. There is usually a deep rooted issue to cause men to behave this way. And if not addressed he nay fall back into it once "comfortable". Especially as you have forgiven him for the previous 3

Of course he doesn't want to break up! He gets to see his child whenever he wants, his pants washed, meals done, doesn't have to split his money in half, and is safe in the knowledge that if he fancies shagging someone else, his wife won't do anything. Who'd leave that?

I'm sorry for you op, deeply sorry, and my post is harsh, but it is the reality.

My ex had an affair, my girls are teenagers now, and I am VERY pleased I have shown them that they are worth more than that. If they become adults with decent boundaries it will be worth every upset (not many really) that they don't have a movie family.

You can never be sure he hasn't cheated since. Trust me...

Is it OK for you to sit at home and let your husband walk all over you for the Dear children?
It's OK you all live in ignorance to the fact that dad's played the field and we pretend we are a normal, happy, functional family.
Grosse.
No, it is not.
For income or for what?
I disregard staying together for the children as a reason...they will know ot is not a normal marriage within time and / or sense it beforehand.
Why settle for second!

Op it's clear currently you want to stay. You need therapy individually at first to see if this stems from love from fear from feeling safety and genuine change from your partner.

You need to seek out betrayal trauma therapy in particular.
It's easy for people who aren't in the situation to say what they would do. None of us know how we will feel untill we are in it. You need support of other women in the same exact situation. There are many groups on Facebook and over zoom support groups. There is infidelity survivors and lots more. Once you understand what's going on more for you and have support you will feel stronger to make decisions for yourself.

Helping couples heal is a great podcast I'd highly reccomend.

Your partner needs to do his own therapy preferably with a apsat/csat at first to decide what's truly going on for him. He will need to do a integrity abuse recovery regardless if its love addiction/sex addiction which he would need to do alongside. Typically recovery takes 3 to 5 years.There are support groups retreats workbooks. He has to put in work to change his mindset and behaviours. It won't just change overnight he has lived this way your entire marriage and before. It takes work to change entitlement.
Help her heal is a great workbook for him. Ideally he should work with a therapist on giving you a full therapeutic disclosure so you're no longer in the dark you know every single thing timelines your true reality. You would always be supported in this process by your own therapist who would be mindful that full disclosure is a hard traumatic thing to go through but necessary (if you wish).

Op you don't have to make decisions now but you're the one in control now,you can set boundaries. Boundaries that keep you safe.

A common boundary is that without seeing physical evidence like your partner attending support groups and therapy/doing work books. That you won't stay in the relationship.

If you feel unsafe/lacking trust you don't share a bed/room/house.

Daily check ins where you partner tells you all about his day and interactions. Open phone policy.

These are your boundaries to choose to set that offer you safety.

It absolutely is possible to survive infidelity providing both partners put in their work. (Heavily weighted more on the betrayers side) your work is to heal and you can do that with or without your partner. It isn't easy.

I'd also reccoment lundy bancrofts book why does he do that. As well as Dr omar minwhallas secret sexual basement and integrity abuse. The abuse in this can get forgotten about or sidelined. At the heart this is abuse and entitlement. If your partner can accept that and put in the work to radically change their mindset there is hope. However at any point you can say this relationship isn't for me. Regardless if he has put in all the work under the sun or is this wonderfully changed person. Sometimes the damage is done. Most importantly op put yourself first now. Your needs must come first now.

To be brutal, this isn't his 'normal' either. His normal is to be unfaithful, disrespectful, betraying.

There are so many unbalances between you - financial, respect, power, control, trust. Maybe even love.

I couldn't stay with him.

As to your question about whether this is the new normal in your life, I think it is. But I can't see it getting more enjoyable for you and three will always be the risk it will return to far worse.

A serial cheater no chance. A mistake them maybe

Lots of great advice above.

I grew up with a chronically unfaithful father - that’s what your DH is, btw, chronically unfaithful. By the time we were in our teens, we knew what was going on. As it happens, apart from a brief split, my parents stayed together until DSIS and I were young adults. The wheels came off the marriage then and they got divorced. We loved both our parents and somehow there was still a lot of fun and laughter in the home. But we were also quite keen for them to split because we knew the situation wasn’t right.

And don’t let him tell you that his dalliances meant nothing. If they meant nothing, why did he do it? In the moment, getting his end away with that particular woman meant more to him than his marriage to you. In any case, he doesn’t get to decide whether it meant nothing - as the betrayed party, you get to decide what it means. Not him.

A key point here - my mum worked once we were at school. She had financial independence. I’m financially independent and it’s a thing I value very highly.

You say you’re not worried about what would happen financially if you split - that he would look after you in a divorce. But you may be wrong about that - there are divorced posters on here who will tell you that the man they knew became a complete stranger on divorce. In any case, you will feel better and your confidence will grow from being in the workplace. You can’t wait to feel more confident - confidence comes from doing, from taking action. Start building a bit of independence for yourself. It will give you greater freedom to decide things for yourself.

Personally I wouldn't stay with a man who valued me and my children so little he cheated on me once let alone multiple times. You deserve so much more than that.

Also to give you a child's view: My parents stayed together after multiple affairs and my sister and I resented them both. Even as children we saw the marriage was a sham. We used to wish for them to divorce. Growing up I saw my mum as weak and pathetic for not leaving my dad and I made many bad choices because my role model was a woman allowing herself to be treated so poorly. Our relationship never recovered and although I do my duty by her, I don't respect her, I don't need her and I don't feel deep love for her or have the mum/daughter bond my friends have.

OP you would be financially vulnerable if you split up. People always think their partner would be fair but they rarely are where money is concerned. At one time you thought he wouldn't cheat, but he did several times for a whole decade. You would need to maintain a home if you split which would require you to be earning your own money going forward. An ex won’t support you forever. Especially once DC leave home.

You should want to be able to be financially independent even if you never do leave him. I can’t understand how you would want to be so helpless. So what if you can’t earn as much as DH? Most of us have friends who earn much more than us but it’s not a reason not to build our own careers. You have 9 years of missed pension contributions, both state and work place.

Your DC are old enough now for you to be at work and to start building your career. It will help you gain confidence. Maybe it will give you confidence to leave? Maybe it will make your relationship stronger if you have more self-respect. I also feel it will help your mental health. You seem down. Maybe slightly depressed. Maybe linked to the DC becoming more independent and you needing more personal challenge now?

Sorry your OH has been such a prick

💐

No. My dad had two affairs, the last one was the one that provoked the divorce when I was 8 and my sister was 6. He then cheated on that affair partner as they've been together since. It's a never ending cycle unfortunately, and though I have a good relationship with my dad I lack respect for him as a woman for how he treated my mum and his family stability by jeopardising it in the first place. I'm no worse off for having divorced parents, better really as my mum found happiness with my lovely stepdad