Worth staying together for DC after an affair?

[Moppitymuppet]

Been with DH for around 14 years now. We have 2 primary aged DC.

Been trying to recover from the discovery of DH’s multiple affairs for 3 years now. Several OW spanning over a decade. Our entire marriage, essentially. And even before.

I can’t say it’s been easy and I still think about it most days. But I was determined to stay together for the DC. I also still loved him but as time goes on I am less sure. Probably because after a while of trying to fix things, and him making an effort, life falls back into how it was before. For a while things seemed better, in a weird way. I think they still are in that I feel at least all of that is now behind us. But sometimes I sense that he is just going through the motions. Maybe I am too. I don’t know.

I know there has been no further infidelity on his part. I still suspect he had lied about the extent of emotional involvement with the one I discovered. The others he told me about he swore were just sex. But I’m obviously not convinced he truly loves me given what he’s done, despite him promising he wouldn’t leave and wants to keep the family together. I expected him to leave for a long time. I’m only just starting to relax again, I suppose.

Is it feasible to think we can carry on mainly for the sake of the kids? Things are stable now. I finally feel more in control of things, and we’ve managed to get through three years since. I wouldn’t say I’m desperately unhappy. DH works a lot. I’m a SAHM. I can’t imagine breaking up the family when things are, for all intents and purposes, working. In a weird way I think things have improved but maybe I’m just deluding myself.

Anyone been through similar? I guess after infidelity there’s this frantic trying to fix everything and you have that to focus on as a team. So in a weird way after a while we felt closer. And now it’s like this new normal, and it’s good, he’s not cheating. He has done all the right things. We both want to do what is best for DC. I just don’t know how sustainable it is after everything because it will always be the elephant in the room, I suppose…

thanks for your thoughts x

Describing a relationship as ‘not terrible’, describing yourself as ‘not unhappy necessarily. Is that a good enough way for you to spend your life after this man has already cheated on you for years?

It wouldn’t be good enough for me and I don’t think anyone should stay just for the children when a partner has disrespected them so much, never mind when you feel so ‘flat’ about it. It’s not good for children to see a parent like that and they will notice things, even if you try to be happy.

Life can be good and happy and something to be excited about. You get one life, don’t spend it on someone who doesn’t deserve you.

If he's cheated with multiple women throughout your marriage then that means you were never enough for him, that he never truly loved you. Can you really live with that? I couldn't.

The kids don't have to find out. Mine don't know because it was historic infidelity so when we split we just said it wasn't working and we weren't happy together. There was nothing to be gained from telling them at that stage & they need a good relationship with their dad.
An close older relative told me something when I very first discovered my exH had cheated (what I had thought was a one night thing, little did I know) - she told me that in her experience our relationship would never be the same again. It had happened to her, she stayed, she regretted it.

I remember being annoyed at the time because I thought we were different. But she was right, it never was the same again because deep down I knew he didn't love & respect me like I did him.
Your husband doesn't love and respect you like he should.

It's a horrible thing to face l, as I and many others here know, and I am sorry this has happened to you.

He is a terrible person. He shat on his family from a great height. Have you been checked for any STI's

This is one of the saddest threads I have read in a long time.

Individual therapy and working on your self esteem would be really worthwhile. You deserve so much more than this. And no he isn’t a good man and yes it will happen again, if it hasn’t already.

I have to say I haven't felt this sad reading a post in a while. Your status as a mother does not negate the fact that you are worthy of love and fidelity and, as others have said here, it is absolutely possible for you to get those things without it costing your children's happiness.

You say he won't do it again but what incentive does he have not to? Because you've tolerated it over 10 years and he's not faced any consequences, what possible reason does he have to believe that the next time will be any different? If you were my friend and you told me all this I would be strongly encouraging you to show him you're not a doormat because you are worth more than this.

That makes no sense, why would he agree to not selling rhe house on divorce? You do know you don’t get to stay now a days unless he decides ro do that for you>

@Moppitymuppet children find out, especially if he has a reputation. If there is history and more than one person knows it will come out. Hopefully they will be finished school but honestly I think it is a little naive to think they won't find out before that.

People talk and forget little ears. Also it is isn't beyond possibility he will mess around with a parent in the school. Cheaters like easy pickings

@Moppitymuppet I do agree with the PPs that said you sound detached and resigned. You're going through the motions but you're not happy.

You feel like you should be maybe and seem to be wondering why you can't be with him.

Ultimately, it doesn't really matter how much you want it to work or how much effort he puts in, what you had or thought you had was destroyed by his actions. You've tried hard too but being 'ok' and 'fine' isn't a life. It sounds horrible and suffocating.

How about feeling happy and fulfilled? Free to move on.

You don't have to stay married to him and it sounds like you can afford to divorce and be financially ok which is a level of freedom many do not have.

I would divorce him and start building a new life.

The fact he cheated for ten years straight suggests that he was getting something from others that he was not able to get from his marriage

Do you know what that was? I’d be looking at that closely?

Could it be that he thought you’d be an ideal woman to raise his children and run a home but that there is a lack of chemistry/you don’t get him etc and that is what he was getting elsewhere?

Id be mindful of what a pp has said - could he be biding his time then exit as soon as the kids are off to uni?

Do you actually have much in common?

In my mind for him to seek out other people for ten years means that he must have been deeply unsatisfied at home. And what could have possibly changed?

Did he tell you WHY?

@Myblindsaredown
Again, yet another poster who has decided the ops financial situation without any info. The op has told us the house is mortgage free. There is likely other assets too if they have been mortgage free a while. Decent job so pensions likely. So it is perfectly possible that the op will remain in the house on divorce.

The only time marital homes need to be sold and equity split is when there isn't enough money in the pot for two houses. Doesn't sound like the case here.

He told me he was subconsciously trying to break it up because he was unhappy but that he was unhappy with himself and that was his problem to fix. He did go to therapy for a long time, as did I, separately and together.

we do have a lot in common and have been together since early 20s and while as with every long term relationship, there is an element of routine and familiarity, we are close and do get on. We have to consciously make time for each other as he works so much but that’s something we’ve had to fix since this all happened.

OP, as soon as you said "he works so much" I could hear alarm bells ringing.

Don’t let others make you feel bad for staying in the marriage. Many, many people are in marriages for reasons other than love: security, kids, finances, company. If that’s what works for you right now, and that’s what brings you contentment, then it’s your decision to make. It is very easy for people to say ‘LTB’ but life is not as straightforward as that. I hope you find happiness.

I could possibly stay with someone who cheated through ONS but never an affair.

Its a regular occurrence when someone forgives their partner because they don’t want their lives to change but then a few weeks/months/years later, it hits them and they realise that they can’t actually forgive and forget what hurt their partner put them through.

Its ok to think you could get through this but have now changed your mind.

Yep 👆

@Lemonadefiz Yes, people do stay in marriages for those reasons but that doesn't mean that the marriage won't fall apart later down the line.
Posters here are trying to urge the OP, who is in a vulnerable position, to take steps to ensure her security when this inevitably goes tits up later on.

Op, to answer your question, I stayed after infidelity, thinking it would be better for the 4 kids to have dad around (even if he had checked out of family life) guess what? He did it again twice and since divorcing him I found out he had never stopped. The kids knew exactly what was going on because they overheard things even when I thought they couldn’t and now don’t want anything to do with him. My biggest regret is not leaving sooner.

Awwww honey, I've been there. I was married for 14 years, and with my ex for four years before that. There was always the suggestion of other women that he managed to persuade me otherwise. Usually by deflecting and making things my fault. He was in the army, and it made cheating easy. Two years after we were married I found actual proof he had an affair. He swore it was over. There were two more after that and many more mysteries (women popping up on his phone etc). He then had a sexting relationship with my cousin! I left him. After six months I took him back. Things were better. But I was always paranoid. Just they're for the kids really and thought I was doing the right thing. I was also scared to be on my own. Then four years later he left me for the receptionist at his work. I was devastated. For about 2 months. Then I gradually started my life again. Now I am engaged to an amazing man who has just left to go to the corner shop to get me some chocolate just because I really wanted some. He hands me his phone to look at things, something my ex would NEVER do. No strange women pop up on his phone. He is where he says he is and does what he says he will. I got so used to my reality that I thought it was OK. It wasn't. I am very very happy. And so are my kids. But here's the thing, I was happier alone than I had been for a very very long time in my marriage. I was so afraid of him leaving me, but sometimes the thing you fear the most is the thing that sets you free. Don't settle. You'll be fine.

I think there’s an element of trauma bonding between you and your DH in the aftermath of it all coming out. It might be why the reconciliation period was intense and you felt closer/the relationship was better than it had been.

I sort of experienced this. But you’re over the that stage now and just left feeling flat. That’s fine. I would take PP’s advice to build your own independence and keep reviewing it. You might find your anger and resentment start to build slowly. You might find a whole different world out there for you.
Or maybe you will co parent fine and put it behind you but I wouldn’t be able to trust him again and it’s ultimately corrosive.

Either way use his contrition to put yourself first and go from there

No explanation ,excuses ,guilt ,trauma whatever he feels /wants to call it could ever make amends for his behaviour .
A man who loves his wife and children would not do this.

Op I understand what you are saying but can you really do this for another 10+ years? You are sacrificing a lot to do this this. Please don't waste your life like this.

You really don't know what tge next years are going to bring.

You are feeling flat because you have had to shed a part of your ability to feel things so that you can sustain this relationship.

I don’t know, this is the thing. It’s easy to think when you make the decision to fix things that it will work and then it starts to hit that it could be a long time. The kids are still young. Part of me does wonder if he might think his ‘duty’ is done once they get to be teenagers or adults, but then also given it’s such a long time, he surely can’t think that’s a practical solution if that’s the only reason he’s staying.

for me I want to do the best thing for them but I am also terrified of not being with him and breaking up the family. My parents divorced and my mum was deeply unhappy. She would have been had they stayed together too but it still preys on my mind.

Men like your husband do want to remain married. They get all the benefits of a wife and see their children every day. However they're addicted to the high of extra marital sex.