Worth staying together for DC after an affair?

[Moppitymuppet]

Been with DH for around 14 years now. We have 2 primary aged DC.

Been trying to recover from the discovery of DH’s multiple affairs for 3 years now. Several OW spanning over a decade. Our entire marriage, essentially. And even before.

I can’t say it’s been easy and I still think about it most days. But I was determined to stay together for the DC. I also still loved him but as time goes on I am less sure. Probably because after a while of trying to fix things, and him making an effort, life falls back into how it was before. For a while things seemed better, in a weird way. I think they still are in that I feel at least all of that is now behind us. But sometimes I sense that he is just going through the motions. Maybe I am too. I don’t know.

I know there has been no further infidelity on his part. I still suspect he had lied about the extent of emotional involvement with the one I discovered. The others he told me about he swore were just sex. But I’m obviously not convinced he truly loves me given what he’s done, despite him promising he wouldn’t leave and wants to keep the family together. I expected him to leave for a long time. I’m only just starting to relax again, I suppose.

Is it feasible to think we can carry on mainly for the sake of the kids? Things are stable now. I finally feel more in control of things, and we’ve managed to get through three years since. I wouldn’t say I’m desperately unhappy. DH works a lot. I’m a SAHM. I can’t imagine breaking up the family when things are, for all intents and purposes, working. In a weird way I think things have improved but maybe I’m just deluding myself.

Anyone been through similar? I guess after infidelity there’s this frantic trying to fix everything and you have that to focus on as a team. So in a weird way after a while we felt closer. And now it’s like this new normal, and it’s good, he’s not cheating. He has done all the right things. We both want to do what is best for DC. I just don’t know how sustainable it is after everything because it will always be the elephant in the room, I suppose…

thanks for your thoughts x

Your choice- what do you fancy telling your kids when they grow up. That you were a strong independent woman who took no 💩 from someone who continually treated you terribly or that you were a doormat for most of your young life?

It doesn't matter about finding another man! It's not the point of a woman's existence!
@Moppitymuppet you're better off on your own than with someone so disrespectful.

I’m not sure they both did stay for the kids.

i suspect deep down the op stayed for herself.shes just using the kids as an excuse,because it’s very hard to admit you will take the cheating so you can have the house, semblance of a marriage, and your bills paid and not have to work.

i suspect he stayed as she wanted to, very hard to kick her out, with young kids, when he’s been cheating,if she’s determined to stay

Just because I’ve mentioned I’d be ok financially I don’t see why that automatically means I’m only in it for the money.

50% is enough for me to stay in the house and live until the kids are at least in secondary school. House is mortgage free and wouldn’t need to be sold. I would obviously work and had planned to before all of this came out anyway.

I think that the extent of the cheating you have described is utterly obscene. It's not one mistake, it's a lifestyle.

Anyway. To answer your question - yes, I think it's fine for you to prioritise your 7yo and 9yo and stay with him at the moment as you are not unhappy or suffering. That said, you do need to insulate yourself emotionally - because he will do it again. And you need to be trying to think ahead about how and when you can exit this situation. In 10yrs your kids will be leaving home - that might be a reasonable time to exit, if you feel like it at that point. You'd probably need to return to work during those 10 years to make sure you are set up for the split.

Or, you can stay permanently. But I have never heard of such a prolific cheat just stopping this behaviour. So you will need to probably accept that.

Divorce asap. The children are so young, they’ll barely remember it. In 10 years your life could be so different! Or your teens could be watching you go through a messy divorce.

Think about how your children will feel when they are older if/when they find out.
He will continue to have affairs. This is a pattern. Until he is no longer capable.
Try to imagine yourself at 60. Do you really see yourself with him? Or will he have traded you in for a younger model?
Do your children have respect for you or have they learnt your feelings don't really matter from him? Do they respect him? (One of my daughters would hate him.)

Young children can often appear happy but it is an act. And you might not know until years later.

You sound resigned to me as if you expect /expected his further infidelity and after the 1st one the others didn't make much difference .
This would be massive to me, and finding out he betrayed you in the time leading up to your marriage alone -unforgivable.
Whats to stop him again , what would make him suddenly loyal , nothing did before, a new wife ,newborns ,his family ?
You deserve better than this and so do your children, i'm just thinking how i would feel if this had have been my own father and how my kids would feel if this were their father i know for a fact our daughter would probably cut contact with him.
As for sex the thought of where 'it' had been would dominate the moment for me , please make plans for a better life which surely it will be without the millstone of this cheating man around your neck.

It wasn’t as if I found out about one and then forgave and it happened again. I found out about the last one and he told me about the rest.

I guess the thing stopping it from happening again was me finding out. It was extremely traumatic for me obviously but also for him. He knows next time would be it, I just don’t think he would risk it.

I can’t deny sex was hard initially. It isn’t the same and may not ever be.

maybe I am resigned but honestly it’s so confusing because actually in a weird way on some level our marriage is the best it’s ever been. He’s trying harder with me and making an effort, yes we’ve gotten into more of a routine and life goes on as it does, but it was worse in a lot of ways before the discovery. That’s why it’s so confusing.

I'm 18 months out from discovering my DH's emotional and physical affair. It lasted a few months and was physical for the last two months. He admitted to it, was transparent and remorseful, so I let him stay - no regrets there.

I think what you're feeling is probably quite common. On the Surviving Infidelity forum it's often called the 'plain of lethal flatness' - that time when you've pretty much come through all the trauma and initial bonding over reconciliation and you're left feeling 'is this it?'

You can decide the infidelity was actually a deal breaker at any point. You gave it a good shot at recovery. Now you're through the worst of the trauma, you may well realise that you're not okay with it after all. No one would blame you - it's a hell of a lot to accept (I don't say forgive as that's personally not on the table for me).

It sounds like you'd really benefit from some therapy to unpick why you might be feeling this way, and to unpick any childhood issues to make sure they're not getting in the way of your decision making. And absolutely be making a plan for if you change your mind in the future. DH and I have a separation plan all worked out for if I decide to call it a day and it helps me to feel that I'm making a positive choice to stay.

He could be like my exH who cheated (I didn't know the extent til years later - we split when I did) & then behaved much as your husband is until the kids were older & we were in a financial position where he could leave.

He was basically biding his time. Enjoying the comforts of family life, still having sex with me but just waiting til he could exit stage left.

And then straight away found himself a younger, child and responsibility-free woman.

Please be careful OP. You can't trust this man. He has prioritised his happiness above yours and his children for years. Sounds like he is an expert at compartmentalising his life and feelings.
Stay with him if you must but prepare yourself - get a job/career, your own interests away from the family. You can't lose with this, it will either enrich your marriage or save you.
Alternatively, look into separating now.

I’m sorry to hear that… I do often find it scary how they can compartmentalise to that extent. It blow my mind. I hope things are easier for you now x

I agree that it would do me good to have a focus outside of this whatever happens…

Tbh, I think from your replies to comments on here you have your head in the sand and are not really facing the reality of your situation.
I hope I am wrong but I really don't think this relationship is going to end well for you.
This man has cheated many times. He will cheat again. He could well be cheating now.
Start taking it seriously and make plans.

You can’t be sure he won’t do it again as obviously it’s in his character. It wasn’t a one off. You don’t sound happy though and wouldn’t be posting on here if you were. If you do decide to stay then perhaps just accept that this is the type of person he is and he won’t change.

In your situation, whilst things were amicable, I'd tell my H I want to divorce but keep living together, make sure I got the best financial settlement possible.

He could then "rent" a room in my house, that I owned and paid a mortgage on, he could also pay me a wage for childcare, cleaning & laundry, etc for his 50% if I remained as a SAHM.

We could live as husband and wife, but I would have financial control of my own life, home and pension etc and if at any time he strayed again, he could literally be kicked out the next day.

If he's serious about your marriage working, him being faithful and staying with you for ever, then this agreement has no change for him. If he's staying with you because divorce is expensive and by staying married he gets cheap childcare, cleaning etc and plans to leave you in the future he would be dead set against this plan.

If he really wants to make it up to you, he should do so on your terms.

So basically I'll resume this thread.

OP : DH cheated over several years, we tried to make it work and reconcile, things are OK but I want to know if that's enough and I want my kids to be happy.

Every single post : you tried, you're not fulfilled, things are OK but not amazing. The kids will be fine or happier if you separate. LEAVE

OP: but things are OK between us. I just want what's best for my kids.

Every single post : things are only OK You are only OK. The kids are probably picking up on this. They will be fine. Don't stay for the kids.

OP : but things are OK between us. I don't want my kids to suffer.

Not wishing to be mean OP but what exactly were you hoping to get from this thread ? Reconciliation after such a long and extensive period of infidelity looks pretty much like what you've got. An OK relationship where you're hovering on the edge of falling out of love with him because he's not the man you thought he was. He's not your hero, he's not your passion, he's not your world and he most certainly hasn't got your back. He gives you a comfortable lifestyle, help with the kids, and the security of knowing you're not alone. Fine. If that's all you want from a relationship them stay. But is your relationship the kind you would want your children to be in ? I know that if my children were in your position I would want them to leave.
Life is too short to waste it on "things are ok".

So you stay "for the kids". What message does that send?

Boys - "it's ok to disrespect any future partner/wife, it's not like she'll do anything about it"

Girls- "it doesn't matter what they put you through it's better than not having a man right?"

Or leave and show your DC that it's not ok for somebody who is supposed to love them, to treat them so shabbily.

It's your choice to make.

I was looking to see if anyone had experienced similar. How it was a few years after. If they thought it was worth staying in the end.

sorry if I did not respond the way you wanted me to 🙄

I guess I never thought the kids would ever find out. Maybe that’s stupid, but I’m not sure what the purpose in telling them would be.

Make sure that you have a secret savings account. Salt away as much as you can.

DD was 7 when I left ExH. I didn't tell her the whole reason just "mummy and daddy don't love each other anymore" kind of thing. When she was 13 she looked me directly in the eyes and asked "did we leave because dad cheated on you?"

You hope they never find out, but as they get older, they eventually work it out for themselves.

Thinking that they would never find out is naive at best and wrong at worse.

Your kids may already know that things on some level between you and their dad are not good. They are unlikely to be able to express this to you openly but they know something is up. They pick up on all the vibes and see your reactions, both spoken and unspoken, to each other.

@Moppitymuppet

If you haven't already, I really recommend Surviving Infidelity. It's an online forum for people going through the same thing, either divorcing or reconciling. I think you'll get much more understanding there - I have found the collective wisdom to be invaluable.

I did stay after infidelity for over a decade. (Well, I say after, but I don't think he ever stopped, just harder to pin down).

I don't regret not splitting earlier in some ways as I wouldn't have had my son and we did have a lot of good times, and I just wasn't ready to leave. So it could only be what it was, really.

But at the same time, it damaged my self-worth (which wasn't great to start with) and sooner would have probably have been better for me.

I don't know if we could have ever pulled it back because he never was trustworthy. In your case, also with a serial offender, I don't see your guy staying faithful but who knows.

It was actually a huge relief when I did give up on it. It still makes me happy to think I never have to put up with all that again.

I've never regretted splitting up with him, but it was my decision and I was ready.

They will find out because he will do it again. One of them will overhear him on the phone, see him out with the OW in public, end up in a class with the OW's kid or whatever. Probably not until they are older, but what a horrid position for a child to be in.