Worth staying together for DC after an affair?

[Moppitymuppet]

Been with DH for around 14 years now. We have 2 primary aged DC.

Been trying to recover from the discovery of DH’s multiple affairs for 3 years now. Several OW spanning over a decade. Our entire marriage, essentially. And even before.

I can’t say it’s been easy and I still think about it most days. But I was determined to stay together for the DC. I also still loved him but as time goes on I am less sure. Probably because after a while of trying to fix things, and him making an effort, life falls back into how it was before. For a while things seemed better, in a weird way. I think they still are in that I feel at least all of that is now behind us. But sometimes I sense that he is just going through the motions. Maybe I am too. I don’t know.

I know there has been no further infidelity on his part. I still suspect he had lied about the extent of emotional involvement with the one I discovered. The others he told me about he swore were just sex. But I’m obviously not convinced he truly loves me given what he’s done, despite him promising he wouldn’t leave and wants to keep the family together. I expected him to leave for a long time. I’m only just starting to relax again, I suppose.

Is it feasible to think we can carry on mainly for the sake of the kids? Things are stable now. I finally feel more in control of things, and we’ve managed to get through three years since. I wouldn’t say I’m desperately unhappy. DH works a lot. I’m a SAHM. I can’t imagine breaking up the family when things are, for all intents and purposes, working. In a weird way I think things have improved but maybe I’m just deluding myself.

Anyone been through similar? I guess after infidelity there’s this frantic trying to fix everything and you have that to focus on as a team. So in a weird way after a while we felt closer. And now it’s like this new normal, and it’s good, he’s not cheating. He has done all the right things. We both want to do what is best for DC. I just don’t know how sustainable it is after everything because it will always be the elephant in the room, I suppose…

thanks for your thoughts x

Well yes presumably because I mentioned finances weren’t a factor in my decision to stay or leave.

I’m not sure what I’m expected to say - I have thanked posters for advice and taken it on board. Predominantly the advice was ‘leave him’ but I suppose I was looking more for accounts from people who have been through similar and I’ve appreciated that input. I didn’t come on here to rant and rave about his infidelity, but I understand why people are saying he’s likely to leave or do it again. That has worried me to but essentially I am weighing up that risk with doing what’s best for the kids long term.

Have you looked for his second phone OP?
Likely he will have one.
Maybe in the car.

I get the impression the op's concerned about what other people think and that her marriage will be proven to be a sham. The way that she's minimising his scummy behaviour as if it's typical of all men. Just feels a bit Hyacinth Bouquet to me.

I don’t think she is minimising it at all. She went through the pain and anguish and is a remarkable woman for doing so in my opinion as there are plenty who would not be able to move past this sort of betrayal.

We have to believe the OP when she says money isn’t an issue. We know from this forum that the greatest of fathers and husbands have been financially cruel once they bolt but you do occasionally hear of the new GF complaining that her man is still propping up his ex wife and children generously.

I feel for you op because if you had managed to put the pain behind you this post could have been triggering to say the least.

Relationships can be very transactional- especially in some circles. The men want a certain type of wife and want to project a certain image/have some children or find someone who is ‘good breeding stock’ to put it another way.

And some wives enjoy that role but there can be a price to pay.

There is no right or wrong thing to do here. Just do what makes you the least unhappy for now.

Just because he might be doing the above it doesn’t mean he can’t love you.

Doing what he did though suggests he likes to get what he wants when he wants and finds it hard to control those inner urges. Despite the consequences.

Can I ask how you found out?

I don’t think she is minimising it at all. She went through the pain and anguish and is a remarkable woman for doing so in my opinion as there are plenty who would not be able to move past this sort of betrayal

im afraid i dont see it like that at all; i see a lack of dignity in it, the staying ar all costs, the sleeping with him again, for me a remarkable woman would say no, you dont get to treat me like that, and leaves and starts their own life.

Who feels the need to come online and to twist the knife into someone who is hurting and asking for advice? Just go about your day and say nothing. People are so quick to judge and cast aspersions. If OP feels she made the right decision at the time for her and her family, then she has every right to.

I don't get that impression at all, and I don't think that's something Hyacinth ever did. What has she said that's given you that impression?

It's simply a feeling I get. It's coming across as stiff upper lip. Putting up with and sleeping with a serial shagger rather than lose face.

@Moppitymuppet I ended a marriage a long time after the worst parts of it. I never felt during the ‘healing’ phase that it was truly healed. I didn’t want to break the family up. But actually he did that years before with his own actions.

I wish I had done it sooner, on the other hand, I needed those years to build myself up mentally. So I do recognise a lot of what you are saying and feeling.

I now have an amazing life, I am happy every day, it’s utterly remarkable and I don’t take any of it for granted. Highly recommend!!