DH’s conversational style

[HebburnPokemon]

Whenever I have a conversation (big or small) with DH, he does something that upsets me every time. I’m autistic so I could be totally overreacting here, but no one else seems to do it to this degree.

When I make a point, he will reply to my point with a different perspective, even if it is not a perspective he holds personally. What is this called? I feel my comments are never accepted on face value, and it makes me feel sad and tired because it’s multiple times a day.

He says it’s how normal people have conversations.

Willing to accept I’m out of order here.

Give an example? I mean, it sounds like a normal conversation to me. Our city has flooding issues, and DH and I had a recent conversation where we were both talking about different solutions and then thinking about why they might not work.

One of my colleagues does this.
No matter what I say he has to challenge me. He says it is important to make people think about their views and opinions.
I sort of understand but not every single time.

I don't know what to suggest! I just tell my colleague to stop being difficult and stop the conversation. Our boss (his uncle) just tells him to shut up.

Need examples to judge really.

It can be 'playing devil's advocate' to give the other side. It's normal to do it a bit, but to do it in every conversation seems a bit excessive. It's not necessarily something to be upset about or a criticism of you but I could imagine it being irritating if it happens a lot.

I think it’s both, it’s interesting to discuss different viewpoints but if you can’t say anything without being challenged it gets tiresome.

If it's constantly contradicting you so basically you say black, he says white just for the sake of it - it's a power play and frankly I couldn't be arsed with it.

It's called belittling OP.

My exH used to reply "not really" to almost everything I said, but when challenged as to why he felt that way had nothing.

I used it in my divorce papers.

Life has been a dream since I got rid of this one.

You mean playing Devil’s advocate. That is very draining.

It’s tough when you live with the person.

I love a good debate but every conversation is exhausting. Even something small like what to eat for lunch.

It happens more often than not, so I’m always trying to filter what I say to cut down any debate. I’m unconsciously training myself not to speak.

Perhaps put it in context. How does the lunch conversation go?

Countering, being oppositional. I think it's really common in people with ADHD. It's soul destroying

he says something different to what I’m saying just for the sake of it. He even admitted he doesn’t believe much of what he says. It’s his way of progressing the conversation. I find it hurtful and I’ve started shutting down. It’s too tiring to have to defend myself every time I open my mouth.

It’s called conversation. Sounds like dont want that and just want him to agree/ answer in the shortest way possible

My DH also does this and it makes me want to avoid conversations. He will hold the same opinion on something as me, but instead of agreeing and expanding on what I've said he'll "yeah, but..." me and it ends up feeling like an argument. It's so draining. He also will explain the argument against what I've said as though I've never considered it, even though he again doesn't hold that opinion. It seems like it's very hard for him to just validate what anyone says. I've heard it referred to as an oppositional conversation style. He also very likely has ADHD as most of his family does.

In restaurant

Me: I’ll have spaghetti bolognaise.

Him: You always have that. You shouldn’t always eat the same thing.

Me: I enjoy it.

Him: But you’ll never develop your palette if you stick to the same thing all the time.

Me: I want to enjoy a meal I’m paying for.

Him: This is an autistic thing - you’re scared to try anything new.

Me: When I spend money I like to know I’ll enjoy the meal. I’m not harming anyone.

Having a courtroom style debate over having a sarnie or not for lunch?

fuck that.

Wow! DH is being assessed for ADHD! His appointment is next week! Can you link to some info on this trait?

You've got an over zealous devil's advocate. They're utterly exhausting to live with, you have my sympathies. I'm all for a good friendly debate but not about every fucking thing I speak about.

Can you pull him up on it every time he does it? If he needlessly contradicts you just say "do you actually feel that way or are you contracting me for the sake of it again?" or "why do you value my opinion so little that you must contradict it every time no matter what it is even if you agree with me?". Make him think about why he's doing it as he does it.

Also he's talking out of his arse that this is how "normal" people have conversations. "Normal" people are not deliberately contrarian and oppositional. This is how annoying people have conversations.

My DH does this as well and it’s exhausting. He always has to present ‘the other side of the argument’.

He did it when I had to choose between carrying on with the oxytocin drip after 12 hours of labour and no progression or going for an EMCS and it really caused a lot of complicated feeling in me afterwards as I doubted by decision (I asked for the EMCS, he presented a lot of counter arguments for the drip).

He also did it when I was buying my car, I had basically decided which one I wanted I was just looking for someone to tell me to go for it but no he had to present ‘the opposing view’. Even the salesman told him he was being an arse.

It makes me doubt my decisions and it’s also exhausting having to argue with someone over every decision! There are plenty of times I don’t agree with DH but if it’s not important I just keep quiet, he seems to have been born without this tact.

No advice to give on how to help it but I sympathise.

@HebburnPokemon This subreddit might be helpful: https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD_partners/?rdt=63066

I experimented with just agreeing with whatever mine said, then he would argue back the opposite, so he was actually arguing with his own opinion for the sake of it!

I would say your example from the restaurant is him being overbearing and bossy, why does he think he should dictate what you order?

Thank you for the link. I’ve joined.

Do you have any more please?

Is this behaviour a trait of ODD which is often seen in people with ADHD? He can be quite a grumpy person overall.

Sounds like you've not read the rest of the thread and have little empathy.

My partner does something similar but slightly different to your example. Luckily he doesn’t contradict my decisions on things like what to eat, what to do, life choices etc.

Instead what he does, is take an oppositional point of view during light hearted conversation. This often upsets me because I am in a good mood and being a bit imaginative or perhaps reflective about my observations or something I’ve read.

The undertone of his response is that I am wrong. I will perhaps go with it and have a bit of back and forth banter or debate but then when I start the next topic he does it again. And then again, and at some point I snap and get upset.

I tell him that our conversations would be a lot more enjoyable if they were “yes, and”, building on each others contributions rather than a constant battle about who is right (about really pointless stuff!) “no, but”.

He seems to finally be accepting that I might have a point. previously of course he just argued his side “I’m just sharing a different opinion / we’re allowed to have different opinions” which felt patronising and confusing because I don’t have this issue with other people and know that I can accept that others have different opinions.

it is still an ingrained habit for him and I don’t know if he will figure out how to have the joy of “yes, and” and “me too”. I have autistic traits and he has autistic/ adhd traits but I don’t believe enough that it’s worth us getting assessed. I believe he also grew up in a family environment with 2 brothers where this constant competitive conversation style was the norm. Tbh it was a feature in my family environment growing up too, driven by the perfectionism trait. It seemed important to my family to point out errors and get things right. It’s exhausting and I don’t enjoy living like that!

@HebburnPokemon I have one of these. He's ADHD and dyslexic, I'm autistic. I've started calling him out on it every time because he doesn't even realise he's doing it. So I say something innocuous like, 'that tree is nice' and he will say 'no actually those trees are not native and should all be killed' or something. I will say, 'stop being so disagreeable just say Yes, And or Yes, OK'.

I am always reminding him to say , 'Yes OK ' and it is sort of working. So so annoying and draining though

With the restaurant example I would respond to 'You always have that' with, 'Yes, OK'.

He can't really respond to that and we would move on