DH’s conversational style

[HebburnPokemon]

Whenever I have a conversation (big or small) with DH, he does something that upsets me every time. I’m autistic so I could be totally overreacting here, but no one else seems to do it to this degree.

When I make a point, he will reply to my point with a different perspective, even if it is not a perspective he holds personally. What is this called? I feel my comments are never accepted on face value, and it makes me feel sad and tired because it’s multiple times a day.

He says it’s how normal people have conversations.

Willing to accept I’m out of order here.

I call it Radical Agreeing

I think you need to stand your ground OP in terms of what you need from him. Don’t buy the line about it being normal. Demand change and explain why. Your feelings matter and he needs to know the impact on you of this. He needs to develop his relational skills if he is to maintain a relationship with you long term.

Thanks to everyone who has shared their thoughts.

To those going through similar, have you ever felt you were going crazy? And other feelings like: Disoriented? Self-doubting? Childlike?

Excellent tip!

Mine is like this too. He has ADHD.

Essentially he finds it very hard to validate what I'm saying and has to present a 'counter argument' a lot of the time.

I don't think he does it to be deliberately obtuse but he can't help himself and has poor impulse control and will say whatever is in his head.

His entire family are on the spectrum and they all do it. They're crap listeners.

From this, he sounds like a dick.

Tbh this restaurant conversation would be a straight pathway to leaving for me.
My sympathies, it sounds so exhausting!

When it happens to me I feel frustrated, angry, and upset.

And the main feeling underlying that I think is a feeling of separateness / emotional distance.

Contrary for the sake of it - I get that from mine too. Always takes the other side, no matter what.

If I tell him a minor thing: someone was rude in the supermarket and pushed in front of me (for instance) then rather than agree that they were rude, he'll say that I must have done something to annoy them in some way. He doesn't have my back.

I'd say HE'S training you to not speak! If he contradicts nearly everything you say, even minor things like what to eat, then it's gone way past normal, healthy discussion and debate and into abusive behaviour. He wants you to feel inferior and in the wrong all the time and that means there's some malevolence driving him. I'm sorry OP but he is not a good person so I hope you're in a position to split up from him promptly, because if you stay with him, he will begin to eroded your ability to think for yourself and the danger of that is the potential to loose your own sense of who you are. It's vital to protect and guard your won sense of self OP- NEVER let anyone else rob you of that nor your ability to think for yourself.

It sounds like most mumsnet posters, just want to disagree for the sake of it

@aloha90210 yes whole family the same. And half of mine, including my mother

You must challenge his behaviour and see a consistent change from him if you're feeling like this. Your self-esteem and confidence is being chipped away.

If you don't see a change that sticks, you should consider throwing him back - your mental health and well-being are more important than a relationship with him.

have a go saying the opposite of what you want / think. He disagrees, you then agree with him and get to do what you want.

keep speaking Op!!!!!

Essentially he finds it very hard to validate what I'm saying and has to present a 'counter argument' a lot of the time.

This. In a nutshell.

Does medication help? Or some form of therapy?

Yes, and that can feel very lonely.

Most people don’t behave this way right?

But as it’s likely a part of his ADHD, it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s a bad person?

I think he is unskilled in the art of human connection. Sounds like he isn’t the only one based on this thread! The key thing is whether he understands that and is willing to try and change.

Is it dopamine seeking behaviour?

He doesn't have to be a bad person to be bad for you.

Intention isn't magic.

While you may want to make some allowances, if it is part of his ADHD - he also needs to make efforts where his behaviour is harmful to you.

And it is harmful to you if you're feeling disoriented? Self-doubting? Childlike because of it and feeling like you can't talk around him.

Does it matter? What matters is that you don't like it, you're changing your behaviour, you feel like you're walking on eggshells, insecure, unhappy.

He sounds like a dick.

Ohh, mine does this too! 'What about tagine for supper?' 'Oh, but no, because it would take too long.' 'Fine.' 'And we'd have to go to that shop to get the stuff and if it took too long we'd miss this programme I want to see and then...'. It's fine to disagree with something, you don't have to defend your thesis or grind your 'opponent' into the mud! I've long suspected an element of Aspergers or similar - he's an academic in a dry science where a lot of his colleagues are also like this. But it's wearing for every tiny decision...

And the way it makes me feel is: anxious, because I had very critical parents who would dump on any expression of self and belittle you for daring to have it - it pushes those buttons for me. Which I have explained. But he can't seem to stop himself.

So I grey rock - say my piece then detach, let him burble on without responding, observe him like a mildly interesting insect. And then he seems to feel done out of his nice, invigorating argument. I've read that some neurodiverse people get their dopamine supply from conflict and it does feel like that sometimes. 🤔

But if something does matter then I'm happy to argue for it, and the training has actually made me sharper in a discussion, I think.

I see @HebburnPokemon has mentioned the dopamine thing too.

I see it as a knee-jerk nope, part of his problem in interacting with the world

I can just about cope with it but I am very fierce and determined not to have to spend every day in a debate about nothing

Grey rock, Yes OK, then I have a nice time thinking about something else while he continues to disagree with the fucking air or whatever

This thread is a lot to take in! But also immensely helpful.

Could Relate help us? Presumably they must have some training in neurodivergence