DH’s conversational style

[HebburnPokemon]

Whenever I have a conversation (big or small) with DH, he does something that upsets me every time. I’m autistic so I could be totally overreacting here, but no one else seems to do it to this degree.

When I make a point, he will reply to my point with a different perspective, even if it is not a perspective he holds personally. What is this called? I feel my comments are never accepted on face value, and it makes me feel sad and tired because it’s multiple times a day.

He says it’s how normal people have conversations.

Willing to accept I’m out of order here.

If you want to talk to him about emotionally abusive behaviours, better to use psychology or domestic abuse sites to back you up than us lot.

Also, on that note, you said about possibly going to Relate - joint counselling isn't recommended where there's abuse.

Conversation is more about finding common ground than having continual debate.

The previous poster hit the nail on the head here. Unfortunately lots of people such as your husband and my partner somehow missed that memo. They genuinely don’t understand this. So he will see you as being over sensitive. Conversation for him is about intellectual battle 🙄 and no doubt he has people in his life who like to communicate with him in this way. It’s all he’s ever known so he thinks it’s normal. It doesn’t have to be that way though and everyone is capable of change. Sounds like he could really do with accessing therapy though for his general negative approach to life.

However...
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"A ‘dry drunk’ or ‘dry drunk syndrome’ is someone who has stopped drinking alcohol, but still behaves in the same way they did whilst they were drinking."
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He was actually a 'nicer' person when he was on alcohol. Chilled. Humorous. Light-hearted. Open-minded.

My theory is that alcohol masked his ADHD, meeting his need for dopamine. Without it, he is dysregulated. His father is the same - needs alcohol to function and cope with life.

Yes, ignore the ‘he was nicer when he was drinking’ - the point is (as you have correctly identified) that the alcohol was a coping mechanism and with it removed, if the reasons why you drank aren’t dealt with, you’re still just mired in the misery. He needs to develop emotionally.

But I wholeheartedly agree you should focus on yourself, learn to drive and build connections, for yourself, then see where you are. Don’t make it all about him.

Mine is like this too.
But OP, if you feel like its shutting you down, its a long unhappy road.
You should tell him.
He will the nargue you are wrong

I do this (also ADHD) and wasn't aware until it was pointed out to me. I didn't understand why this person was so upset. In my head, I'm just talking. I also resonate with when your husband says sometimes he doesn't even agree with what hes saying. I see it as conversation? a thought exercise. Its not malicious or designed to belittle someone.

I do now see how upsetting it can be (but i still dont understand why??). I would probably enjoy if someone debated my lunch options from a menu with me. I'd sit there discussing my choice.

Its made me think is this something I need to work on??

I would find it really disheartening if someone who said they cared about me constantly told me I was doing the wrong thing for myself, and wanted me to do what they want me to do instead.

I had a relationship with someone like this, too. It was exhausting, and the thing that got me down most was the lack of genuine connection - why couldn’t he tell me what he really thought about a subject rather than putting up this weird false wall of Devil’s advocacy?
It was really corrosive to the relationship.

I think in my ex-DP’s case it stemmed from lack of confidence in his own opinions, and fear of getting shot down or ridiculed for them - much easier to strike a pose and argue for something it’s obvious you don’t actually believe than risk being shown up or, as he saw it, attacked for something you actually think.
(A bigger question, in fact, was why he thought I’d be likely to or want to belittle him…)

This is narcissism, pure and simple. He knows best, and he doesn't care how it makes you feel.

My oh is like this, he always presents an opposing view. Now I just ask if this is the 5 minute argument or the full half hour

Just wondered if you had a link for this? Would like to read more as suspect my DP has ADHD and have this issue

Well not sure why you are asking for advice then. Clearly he is not going to change so you either suck it up or leave him. Personally staying 'for the sake of the kids' is not something I subscribe too, if you are miserable in your marriage, trust me, they know and feel it

@HebburnPokemon https://www.additudemag.com/too-much-drama-relationships/