DH’s conversational style

[HebburnPokemon]

Whenever I have a conversation (big or small) with DH, he does something that upsets me every time. I’m autistic so I could be totally overreacting here, but no one else seems to do it to this degree.

When I make a point, he will reply to my point with a different perspective, even if it is not a perspective he holds personally. What is this called? I feel my comments are never accepted on face value, and it makes me feel sad and tired because it’s multiple times a day.

He says it’s how normal people have conversations.

Willing to accept I’m out of order here.

@HebburnPokemon you could show him this thread

Many men suffer from contradictitis. My DH auto-contradicts a lot. Unfortunately for him, his alternative opinion/explanation/idea is usually factually incorrect or stupid, so it gives me an opportunity to point that out. (Not that it makes any an iota of difference to his excellent opinion of himself.)

On the other hand, it's an extremely tiresome trait, and one men often seem to do to women. Many men seem to regard women as oversized children that need educating and improving to reach their lofty heights of wisdom and insight.

I’ve tried explaining how it makes me feel. He gets very defensive, even raising his voice and says things like “so, I’m not allowed an opinion!?” “I can’t even talk to you!” “I’ll just stay quiet then - that’s easier for me”. “No one else has had a problem.” “I’ll agree with everything you say then”. Then he goes quiet for hours.

Im hoping his ADHD assessment next week will help us.

I'm not sure, because I wouldn't be an expert in ADHD, but I get that you'd want to be more sure of his motivation before you make your descision about the relationship, so perhaps do what another PP suggested and tell him straight that you don't like the way he contradicts and criticises you so much and you need him to rein it in, considerably as you're finding it intolerable and it's making you question the relationship. Then watch and listen to him over a set period of time; best case is he is genuinely sorry he's making you so unhappy that he's pushing you away and really works on changing his behaviour for the better. What's more likely is, he might be on his best behaviour for a bit, IME they can usually keep it up for between a fortnight and a few months , but then slip back into his old ways again. They do this when they sense, or when you seem really serious about ending it, to suck you back in again but they have no intention of changing because what they do mostly works for them and they like doing it! IME this keeps you on a sort of roller-coaster with them and it's very draining and unhealthy, and even dangerous in the worst cases.
TBH, in your shoes it wouldn't matter to me what was driving his behaviour so much as how it was making me feel. Consider that if he really can't help it, you would be facing putting up with this for the rest of your life with him, making yourself smaller and smaller to try to avoid his contradcitions and criticisms and where would that leave you? Does the thought of living like that make you feel happy? Or would you like to be in a relationship where you feel free to express your opinions and be yourself and be accepted and loved for who you are, even if they don't agree with you on everything? I know which I'd prefer. If it was your best friend or daughter, which sort of relationship would you be advising her to choose?
I know I wouldn't be able to tolerate his behaviour for long, no matter what was driving it, and one of us would be ending it because we'd be rowing all the time, but this is your decision OP, but please try to make it whilst you still have your own mind, your own opinions and ability to think for yourself! This is YOUR life, not his!

This is DARVO (deny attack, reverse victim & offender) and stonewalling or the silent treatment.

These are emotionally abusive behaviours.

While he may not be intending harm, you may prefer to think he just has horrible relationship tools & strategies, if he's not willing to at least look at what he's doing and instead must think of himself as the victim or right at all costs, then you're in a really bad situation.

you don't like the way he contradicts and criticises you so much

I have told him this. Ironically he said I was wrong - he wasn’t contradicting me, he was offering alternative opinions. Then things would escalate as mentioned above.

There's a time and a place for it, but I'd want to eat my lunch without having to attend a fucking debate club first. He sounds bloody exhausting.

I don't see how it will, at best it'll just add "you're discriminating against by adhd" into his list of gaslighting responses.

I think if that's his ongoing response then we will need to split up.

If your behaviour is hurting your spouse and you don't try to amend it, then what kind of marriage is that?

But we haven't crossed that bridge yet. I can at least give him a chance.

I'm crying at the moment. It's a lot to take in.

so, I’m not allowed an opinion!?” “I can’t even talk to you!” “I’ll just stay quiet then - that’s easier for me”. “No one else has had a problem.” “I’ll agree with everything you say then

I would say, 'it's funny. That's exactly how I feel. You never allow me an opinion at face value without shouting it down'.

I would say, 'it's funny. That's exactly how I feel. You never allow me an opinion at face value without shouting it down'.

Him: I'm not shouting it down, I'm offering a different perspective. IT'S CALLED HAVING A CONVERSATION."

@HebburnPokemon the difference between your DH and mine I think is that when I tell him in no uncertain terms that he is being unreasonable, he notices and usually apologises

He doesn't learn not to do it again but he doesn't double down or blame me.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, sounds like he's got comorbidities: contradictitis, ADHD, bad attitude and also could simply be a dick as pp have suggested

What a pretentious cop-out 😂Your colleague doesn't like to admin that he fancies himself as some kind of serious, challenging-type Paxman presenter, or intellectual radio interviewer.

Our boss (his uncle) just tells him to shut up

😂

He says it is important to make people think about their views and opinions.

Yep, that sounds like what my DH says. I should reply, "Okay Peston!"

Also, not sure if relevant or not, but I have a PhD and he doesn't have a degree. He's not thick by any means but it does add a 'mansplaining' element for me.

I've read some of your posts and this doesn't just sound like a you thing.

Some people get frustrated with their partners over time, and when they do, they will start nit-picking at things. They might contradict a lot of things you say or think because it's a way for them to vent their frustration or dislike for you, whilst disguising it as having a conversation or healthy depate. What they're trying to do is argue with you, undermine you or make you feel small.

@InWithPeaceOutWithStress
I'm familiar with this behaviour. They're just being dicks. The whole point of it is to manufacture an argument so they can 'logic' over you (which is the way they'd see it), and come out of it feeling smug & triumphant. Others like it because they actually get pleasure from conflict or disagreement, and are willing to upset you in order to get that buzz.

@HebburnPokemon It doesn’t matter if this is currently going to be classified as an adhd trait or not. It’s insufferable and it’s hurting you.

He won’t change and this is just another relationship that isn’t working and shouldn’t be prolonged, for your sake.

Further to my last point re: PhD, I'm aware that might have came across as pompous. My point is that I'm quite a successful person and I'm used to people not talking down to me. So when DH does it, it is very jarring and confusing.

Oh! I do this "defending the thesis", and it is for exactly the opposite motivation (though that doesn't affect how it makes you feel). If you made a suggestion and I just shut it down with "no" or a very short snappy response I feel as if I'm being aggressive and rude, and just dismissing you out of hand, so I try to soften it by explaining that I do actually have good reasons to not like the idea - as opposed to it being a case of not liking you.

Some people get frustrated with their partners over time, and when they do, they will start nit-picking at things.

Yes, I've read this :( It's also a red flag for an affair I've read (not that I think he's doing that).

Others like it because they actually get pleasure from conflict or disagreement, and are willing to upset you in order to get that buzz.

The dopamine hit?

Strangely enough, during a recent 'episode', DH shouted "You just LOVE arguing, don't you!!!!?" I completely lost all composure and burst into tears. He was telling me I'm the opposite of what I am. I never felt so misunderstood. Maybe he was projecting.

Sounds like a pig

ltb

im adhd and i dont speak to people like that why do so many women make excuses for mens behaviour ?

@HebburnPokemon yeah I think it might be his personality not his ADHD. I wouldn't spend much time trying to fix this, if he's not willing to admit he's being a twat there's no point trying Relate or anything. Bang head brick wall all that

No he loves arguing and turning it back on you so you feel you are to blame

man child bully

This

Tell me about it. I have an Oxbridge degree and my DH has a handful of CSEs and left school at 16. This is in no way a barrier to him correcting my thinking at every opportunity. I think it has bugger all to do with ADHD - although he is chaotic and disorganised - and a lot more to do with him having a lot of narcissistic traits, including zero empathy and sincerely believing he has no faults whatsoever.