Handhold because DH hates my birthday present (trip to cornwall)

[Miserableinpenzance]

Dh is a difficult person to buy presents for which is why I am currently sitting in a sleeper train to penzance in tears. He said its the worst present ever for a light sleeper like him and he also threw a massive strope last night cos he said the concept of sleeper train was filthy cos he couldn't shower in the train (first class lounge paddington had showers which he did eventually use)

It was his birthday present as he loves travel so i thought would be a good present (He books us holidays on a monthly basis). It turns out he hates sleeper trains (he had only been once before but that was during covid and on the Caledonian which was being quite badly run at the time so I thought it was a one off that he didn't like it). We live in London and Cornwall takes many hours (and we usually don't take leave for our holidays which are usually weekend breaks where we leave on friday and come back on sunday) plus the Premier inn next to penzance Station was totally booked out so sleeper train made sense.

We always had many weekend breaks (once a month) rather than big holidays (with the exception of visiting family)because there was once a bad experience where dh was switching job and we had to cancel flights and hotels (no refund on the flights) because they wanted him to start early. So if either of us anticipates leaving a job then we book weekend breaks that don't need any leave.

I feel really underappreciated cos he made out like this whole holiday is for my benefit rather than his. I don't think that is true at all, the sleeper train was the way of getting there that seemed to make time and money sense at that time (and I wanted to keep costs low as we are going away quite a bit and i thought he would appreciate the prudence) and also it was quite logistically hard to book due to the nightmare gwr website. I wanted to book something he usually wouldn't book so he could see something he wouldn't actually see.

We were actually ttc but honestly he has made me cry so much in the last 24 hours over his 'gift' that I am not sure I want it

Oh OP, I really feel for you, thinking you'd booked something really nice for him and he throws a strop. Do you ever stand up for yourself? Because if my DH did this I'd let him know in no uncertain terms what a dick he was being. Honestly, he sound a nasty little prick. Why on earth would you need to shower on a 5 hour journey? Couldn't he have waited till you got to the hotel in the morning? Ridiculous.

Very jealous of Minack theatre, have always wanted to go there. Are you seeing a show?

Do you always do what he wants? Don't you ever assert yourself and say ''I want this or that''? How old are you both? Looks a lovely place in photo - can you say where ?

Yep, sleeper trains also absolute hell for me but also if you’re only doing a weekend break, you’re going all the way to Cornwall for 36 hours at best assuming you’re coming back the same way on Sunday? And without a car to get anywhere interesting? That’s not my idea of a break at all and unfortunately sounds like it’s not your DH either.

Err… I know this trip is about him as it’s his b’day.

But in général, what about you? Do you sometimes go to places YOU like together because YOU like them?
It is it always on his terms because otherwise he is throwing a strop?

@DullFanFiction OP has been asked that several times and hasn't answered. So we'll assume the answer is no.

Same as it's probably a "no" to the question has he apologised for upsetting her so much.

We did see a short comedy act!

I might be wrong but you seem to be seeking self-validation from whether he likes something you thought he would like. As if your self-worth equaled to whether you can guess what he likes and whether you can make him happy by that.

Oh he loves Cornwall and the coastal bus.. we are taking the regular train back.

He once planned a trip where we went to cheddar gorge and Wells from bristol without a car so I thought difficult transport options would not be too hard. His mum walked from Eastbourne to Brighton on foot as her holiday ( carrying her luggage) and she is 62! She raised him after all and I bet he wouldn't complain if he was with her.

I once walked from Brighton to Shoreham with him!

OP you sound like my ideal holiday companion - I love sleeper trains and living museums 😁

I love Penzance (I live nearby). Marazion is good for a wander, with galleries and cafes plus the Mount. I’d also recommend Tremenheere sculpture garden near Gulval. Amazing views from the highest bit of the garden.

For those surprised at the lack of hotel rooms last night - it’s half term and the county is heaving.

I hope you enjoy the rest of your trip! Take food for the return journey as there’s often no food service until at least Plymouth.

The Paddington Penzance sleeper is a classic journey, but nobody expects to get a good night's sleep. Make sure you sit on the sea side on train back tomorrow.

Enjoy the Minack. You should have good weather for it today. If you have time later, go to Tremenhere sculpture gardens of the Penlee House art gallery.

Every post is about your DH & keeping him happy, like a sulky little child. He sounds very hard work.

This. Really, really rethink ttc. Imagine him when there are sleep-deprived months, or if your child has special needs?

The Minack Theatre is great ! I've seen Fisherman's Friends ( the singing group ) and The Pirates of Penzance.

Beautiful area.

have you hired a car to get around ?

He sounds awful and there’s loads of men out there who strop when not everything is 100% to their satisfaction. It sounds like you grew up in that situation so it is your norm op. It’s shit and I’m sorry and it will take time for you to stand up for yourself more or if you have dc to stand up for them.

You posting on here is part of you that knows this is not ok, justifying this shit because of overseas family or because you really really like going to beamish is the part of you that is trying to gloss over it. I hope you have a lovely time in Cornwall and I hope you get the apology you deserve or if not, you don’t just accept this poor behaviour as ok.

I'm sorry your DH didn't like your present, OP. I agree with him on this one. You knew it was a bit of a risk, as you weren't sure he'd like it. I don't think i would have booked something like this unless I were absolutely certain the other person would enjoy it.

He is happy now, he had his coffee and we had ice cream and Cornwall is beautiful..

He has never seen anything like it.

I wouldn't be able to sleep on the train BUT I'd take Phenergen or Zopiclone and look forward to the nice hotel the following night.

I think a lot of the issue is the nastiness. He could have been kinder about the issues and not had several tantrums and sulked!

🥴 Right, op, as long as he's happy...

It's blowing a gale and freezing where I am. Cornwall looks lovely. I can't imagine how anyone can react so horribly to a gift that was bought and planned with such care. I hope you are at least enjoying it.

@Miserableinpenzance Long as he's now happy then eh? He's been placated with his coffee and ice cream like the massive man child he is!

Let's just forget he repeatedly made you cry and is not even sorry.

He's walking all over you and you"re letting him.

My DH took me to a cocktail bar for my birthday which he was sure I'd love - he had arranged for friends to meet us there. It was a really sweet gesture but it's the type of place I hate - so noisy, tables rammed right next to each other. Major sensory overload. I sat through a couple of drinks before making an excuse and then, as kindly as I could, explained that I'd felt very uncomfortable. It felt important to me that he didn't think this was something I'd want to do again but I really felt awful potentially hurting his feelings because I knew his heart had been in the right place - I like cocktails and vintage art and he had just run with that and not really thought about the other elements. He was mortified he'd got it wrong so I spent a long time reassuring him. Neither of us wanted the other to feel bad. You don't have to love a present or surprise but you absolutely should care about your partner's feelings and be tactful about it.

Hi OP, I don't have alot to say on the reaction to the trip except that it was ungrateful of your DH to react this way and that he's absolutely no right what so ever to take a bad mood out on you. Had it been me he would be making the rest of that trip alone. I litterally would have got off that train and gone home, but not before I told him exactly what I thought of his words to me.

I wanted to talk about your ttc, 10 months isn't to long so don't think that means your struggling to ttc. Believe it or not even thinking your having problems conceiving can have an effect on you doing so. It causes stress and can affect your natural cycle. The number of people I know who got pregnant after they gave up trying is unreal.
I tried for 3 years and nothing. I went to the hospital for my first gynecology appointment they sent me for all these tests after my period had come. At this point I stopped worrying and thought ill know soon what's wrong. I wasn't able to go for the tests because that period never arrived lol, I got pregnant, I've never struggled since.

I know not everyone is as lucky as me and some people have actual physical issues but for me and many others it was a mental barrier stopping us from conceiving so worth a try. Relax think positively or don't think about it at all and it will happen

He's had his coffee and ice cream @Tel12 He's happy now.

This thread is unreal.

I think this outburst is an indicator of much bigger issues here. It’s echoing a lot of previous experiences I’ve had with an Ex.

Your whole world seems to revolve around him and any bump in the road in his eyes will always be your fault.

A man like this will drain any sparkle in your eyes and erode any joy you dare to feel. Living with a constant fun vacuum is exhausting and you spend your life in a constant state of low level anxiety….a game of Olympic curling where your DH will glide effortlessly through life while you furiously attempt to stay two steps ahead sweeping smoothing the path to avoid upset and tantrums and facing the wrath when things don’t go to plan.

Looking back I used to do some crazy things, googling menus in advance to ensure they served food he liked so he didn’t sulk, google mapping the parking facilities for days out because if it took more than 37 seconds to find a space I would suffer the mood all day. Studying reviews of hotels so he couldn’t find fault. Pre-ironing 4 shirts for dinner and laying shoes out like a child because I knew he would leave it last minute and I’d have a tantrum whilst he got ready because ‘I’ made him late.

The more you pander to this man and facilitate his moods the worse it gets. You will be dumped with all of the parenting with a man like this. It needs nipping in the bud and he snaps out of it or you really need to consider how happy this relationship is actually making you…

Agree with this. If a guy has booked it and the wife hated it, lots of mumsnetters would be saying it wasn’t so thoughtful or that he’d deliberately booked something you’d not like etc. You both could have dealt with it better perhaps although of course it’s reasonable to be upset when he’s so grumpy about it as you’ve tried hard. No need to be passive aggressive and buy socks next year - just give him some options or actually ask him what he’d like. Guess work rarely ends up with someone delighted (even if they pretend, which let’s face it isn’t actually much better). Hope that things improve!