Handhold because DH hates my birthday present (trip to cornwall)

[Miserableinpenzance]

Dh is a difficult person to buy presents for which is why I am currently sitting in a sleeper train to penzance in tears. He said its the worst present ever for a light sleeper like him and he also threw a massive strope last night cos he said the concept of sleeper train was filthy cos he couldn't shower in the train (first class lounge paddington had showers which he did eventually use)

It was his birthday present as he loves travel so i thought would be a good present (He books us holidays on a monthly basis). It turns out he hates sleeper trains (he had only been once before but that was during covid and on the Caledonian which was being quite badly run at the time so I thought it was a one off that he didn't like it). We live in London and Cornwall takes many hours (and we usually don't take leave for our holidays which are usually weekend breaks where we leave on friday and come back on sunday) plus the Premier inn next to penzance Station was totally booked out so sleeper train made sense.

We always had many weekend breaks (once a month) rather than big holidays (with the exception of visiting family)because there was once a bad experience where dh was switching job and we had to cancel flights and hotels (no refund on the flights) because they wanted him to start early. So if either of us anticipates leaving a job then we book weekend breaks that don't need any leave.

I feel really underappreciated cos he made out like this whole holiday is for my benefit rather than his. I don't think that is true at all, the sleeper train was the way of getting there that seemed to make time and money sense at that time (and I wanted to keep costs low as we are going away quite a bit and i thought he would appreciate the prudence) and also it was quite logistically hard to book due to the nightmare gwr website. I wanted to book something he usually wouldn't book so he could see something he wouldn't actually see.

We were actually ttc but honestly he has made me cry so much in the last 24 hours over his 'gift' that I am not sure I want it

I told him quite quickly after I booked it as I didn't want him to plan it. I did give him a heads up I was booking something

So rude

BTW minnack theatre is gorgeous! He is very happy from that perspective

He’s allowed to not like the present. To be honest, I would hate it.

But he should not behave like a brat because of it. I certainly wouldn’t be crying over his behaviour - I’d be angrily telling him to stop acting like a twat.

By this do you mean that you can generally manage to avoid him sulking like a toddler by making sure he always gets his way and never has to do anything he doesn't enjoy?

If so that sounds incredibly unhealthy and you definitely shouldn't have kids with him.

A sleeper train from London to Cornwall?

How is that necessary.

Anyway. I think I'd get off without him and go home.

@Miserableinpenzance Why are you so delighted about the bits he's actually happy over? You should be furious that he made you cry!

Has he apologised for being a dickhead? You've not answered that question that several posters have asked?

he has made me cry so much in the last 24 hours

^ You seem to be glossing over what you posted earlier. Why? You need to start facing some uncomfortable truths before bringing another life into this world. It's time.

This ☝️

The hotel next to the station was booked up and so were a lot of the better hotels on Friday night.

Has he apologised for being a dick OP? You seem to be bending over backwards to please him. What does he do for your birthdays?

I dont get why people buy such surprise presents and then are dissappointed when the person doesnt like it.
Does he expect a present from you? Does he expect it to be a big present and a surprise present?

Has he apologised @Miserableinpenzance

None of us care that he's finally stopped making you cry, or if he likes the bloody hotel. We care about the fact he made you cry in the first place.

@Hairyfairy01 Probably a weekend break to the cool none sunny city of his choice.

It's all about him after all...

OP a CORE part of parenting is sucking it up and putting on a good front when you are tired/grouchy/annoyed/put out.
It's SO rude to be like this and doesn't show any love or care towards you at all. At a time when you are meant to be most in love, too, trying to have a baby, this is how he behaves towards you when you make an error (in his eyes)

My dad is like this, literally incapable of putting anyone else's feelings first when he's pissed off. He is a shit dad.
Please don't have kids with him, you will spend your life walking on eggshells around him. And your child will think that's normal, and end up in relationships where they do they same. Please for the love of God don't give a child a dad like mine.

I feel the same tbh. For those of us who can't just sleep anywhere, sleeper trains don't make sense. If I went on one, I'd need to have a week long holiday because a weekend would be spent catching up on the sleep I probably didn't get on the train.
Whether I'd be moody about it, I'm not sure. I'd like to hope not, but I can imagine being disappointed at money being spent on something unsuitable.

I find his shower obsession problematic though. Suggests a controlling personality.

In that case if it’s not a pattern of behaviour and he apologises and shows appreciation on other parts of the holiday I would give him some grace on the basis he was being a misery that day.

So he's trained you to tiptoe around him, do things he likes, losing your own identity in the process (yes you are, when you say you are easygoing, that means you are doing what he wants to do, to avoid him going off on one )
If you are determined to stay with him you need to change the narrative. Don't get upset, get angry (calmly). Tell him you went to a lot of thought and effort, and while he's entitled to not enjoy the train, he's not entitled to rip into you because of it. Don't bother saying more or getting into a long upsetting argument. He owes you an apology and if he won't do that, I'd be leaving.

I’m curious what happens when he “strops”. Can you describe it? Because stepping back from this specific instance of his behaviour, he sounds like someone who needs to work on his emotion regulation. He is reacting, rather than choosing how to act - the latter only feasible if we know how to soothe and regulate ourselves. In general he may benefit from looking into emotion regulation techniques.

MN101 - DH doesn't like a present - he's a ungrateful dick.

DW doesn't like a present? He's an thoughtless dick.

Oh well, lesson learned. The next birthday he has, he's getting pants and socks.
And if he asks, he gets a cursory shrug and a "well, you made such a fuss about the last present I got you, I thought I'd play it safe this year."

Is he normally so controlling around holidays? Nowadays, you're only allowed weekend trips because ONCE a holiday was slightly mucked around with because he had to start a new job early? What is the likelihood of that happening again? How often ARE you changing jobs?!

Buy him a large coffee, or an energy drink, and tell him to stfu.

What an idiot.

youve put time and effort into it! If I got a present like this which I wasn’t particularly keen on, I’d put my big girl pants on, smile and make the most of it and who knows, you might actually enjoy it. I certainly wouldn’t be ungrateful at all!

It sounds like you have gone onto marry a man not dissimilar to your own father who is himself picky.

I would concur you are losing yourself in this relationship because you are meekly complying with what he wants in terms of life and holidays . He’d never go on a 2 week trip to say Italy or Greece would he?

Personally I hate surprises and wouldn’t be keen on the sleeper. The last time we travelled to Penzance we booked a first class upgrade with Seat Frog, they also offer dining on certain trains, nice room with Artist in Residence and straight off the train into the Jubilee Pool for a late afternoon pre-booked swim. DH does like sleepers, he was waxing lyrical about the sleeper to Scotland changing the engine mid-journey, I.e. woken up in the middle of the night - that was a hard no from me.

I expect you will grow out of strops and crying as you get to know each other better.

Tbh a big part of it is me. We both have overseas family and my family are a 14 hour flight away so we do save our holiday for that. We don't have much holiday left because we are going for a month to visit my family and attend my sister's wedding.

He also has overseas family
.