Handhold because DH hates my birthday present (trip to cornwall)

[Miserableinpenzance]

Dh is a difficult person to buy presents for which is why I am currently sitting in a sleeper train to penzance in tears. He said its the worst present ever for a light sleeper like him and he also threw a massive strope last night cos he said the concept of sleeper train was filthy cos he couldn't shower in the train (first class lounge paddington had showers which he did eventually use)

It was his birthday present as he loves travel so i thought would be a good present (He books us holidays on a monthly basis). It turns out he hates sleeper trains (he had only been once before but that was during covid and on the Caledonian which was being quite badly run at the time so I thought it was a one off that he didn't like it). We live in London and Cornwall takes many hours (and we usually don't take leave for our holidays which are usually weekend breaks where we leave on friday and come back on sunday) plus the Premier inn next to penzance Station was totally booked out so sleeper train made sense.

We always had many weekend breaks (once a month) rather than big holidays (with the exception of visiting family)because there was once a bad experience where dh was switching job and we had to cancel flights and hotels (no refund on the flights) because they wanted him to start early. So if either of us anticipates leaving a job then we book weekend breaks that don't need any leave.

I feel really underappreciated cos he made out like this whole holiday is for my benefit rather than his. I don't think that is true at all, the sleeper train was the way of getting there that seemed to make time and money sense at that time (and I wanted to keep costs low as we are going away quite a bit and i thought he would appreciate the prudence) and also it was quite logistically hard to book due to the nightmare gwr website. I wanted to book something he usually wouldn't book so he could see something he wouldn't actually see.

We were actually ttc but honestly he has made me cry so much in the last 24 hours over his 'gift' that I am not sure I want it

The issue isn't whether he liked the present or not. It's entirely possible to dislike a present or feel disappointed about it but still to appreciate the thought, the effort, the love that went into the planning and choice. For your DH to declare your thoughtful gift "the worst present ever" and to "throw a massive strop" shows exactly the kind of person he is. He sounds appalling, frankly. And all his tantrums and unkind comments have apparently been forgotten (by him) even though he must have known how miserable you were. But he's had an ice cream and he's happy now? What a prince. 🙄 He sounds less mature than the average 7-year-old.

PPs have asked, but I'll repeat the question: has he apologised for his behaviour?

I also haven't had children because I prefer my life as it is.

But I am married, I have family (as does my DH) and friends. I often do things that wouldn't be my choice of activity or go to places I wouldn't have chosen to go because it makes someone I love happy, or because we can do something enjoyable together. I don't love museums but I'll go with my DH without throwing a tantrum and often they're more interesting than I expected. If we go on holiday and things aren't great we try to make the best of it (and maybe learn for three next time). I once started crying on a holiday where many things had gone wrong and neither of us was having a good time, my DH gave me a hug and we talked about how we could improve things. Then we got trapped where we were because a riot happened, we laughed together at how ridiculously badly things were going...

If you're going through life never being uncomfortable, only ever doing things you enjoy and throwing a tantrum when things are to your liking then you do sound like a bit of a knob and you're probably missing out on a lot of happiness.

He sounds like he treats you as staff running around to put right the things he doesn't like.

Alas many women have been so beaten down (metaphorically if not literally) that they believe this treatment is just normal, or that they are so inadequate that they don't deserve better.

It's very easy to dismiss domestic abuse as women being weak or staying for the money but it's almost always much more complicated than that.

I completely agree!

And that’s the childish part of it.

Its not that he didn’t like it (we’ve all been given presents we don’t like), it’s the fact that you put in time and effort to do something special and he was incredibly rude about it.

What’s even worse is he’s decided he’s happy now that he’s got his own way and so you can stop feeling like shit for a minute but continue to walk on egg shells so he doesn’t get upset again…how fun for you.
Let’s hope there’s nothing that you want to do that he’s not keen on.

Hopefully to make up for his awful behaviour he has apologised profusely and told you that the rest of the trip will revolve around the things that you want to do, considering the lovely gesture you did for him and how he reacted like such an arse … but I’m guessing it won’t be. It will be whatever he wants to do.

Welcome to Cornwall OP.
It is beautiful here and I’m sorry you can’t experience it in a better way.

I'm married too, 20 years, husband three decades older.
I understand what you are saying.
After growing up in a Communist country with
emotionally abusive parents, when an adult,
I was overjoyed to finally make my own bloody choices.
Husband and I are old enough to know what we both need and what rubs the wrong way, so far so good.

This. Our rule is that if someone has gone to the trouble of booking a trip, the other person accepts minor snafus.

I would absolutely hate a sleeper train and showering at the station. I would detest it. I would be really, really upset if anyone who was supposed to know me well got me that as a present. I wouldn’t be an arse about it, but I wouldn’t be able to keep it hidden that I was absolutely hating every second of it because I would hate it that much.

I actually agree with him here. But there are ways to say things.

At least when you have a baby you will already have another kid the baby can play with🤣

Next year tell in to use thingstogetme website. So he puts all his gift ideas and you can choose from the list.

You sound like you're talking about a toddler you've coaxed out of a strop, OP. Do you often have to do this?

Fucking hell. Don’t have a child with this prick @Miserableinpenzance

The relief you feel because the selfish berk is happy with Cornwall is so sad. Please don’t permanently attach yourself to this toxic mess.

I’m going to say this once and very clearly. My husband and I have been together for over 30 years. Not all good and I have on occasion cheerfully wished him gone. BUT, we would both be completely undone if we made the other cry how you have said you have been. How your husband has treated you over one night on a train is appalling and you seem so anxious about his wishes and so relieved everything is okay now. I am begging you to consider how many ‘joint’ decisions you make are actually his decisions that you go along with, for a quiet life or out of fear of his reaction if you disagree. Life does not have to be like this. I wish you happiness and peace of mind in the future.

I’d love this gift but my husband would hate it. I have learned not to book anything for both of us unless I have run it past him first to check that it’s something he is keen to do. If there is something I want to do but he doesn’t then I do it by myself or with friends. I’m sorry you are in this situation OP - you sound like me in that you are easy-going and can adapt to most things. Not everyone is like this. It doesn’t mean the end of the relationship, it just means that some issues require communication first (and no surprises). That said my DH did try to surprise me once with a weekend away that was eye-wateringly expensive. Thank goodness he told me before he booked it because I was aghast that a weekend in a city less than 20 miles from where we live was going to cost that much (when the money could be used for something else). If he had sprung that on me I wouldn’t have enjoyed it at all!

I wouldn’t chose to go on a sleeper train but if my OH organised thus As a suprise present is to along with it graciously and see it as an adventure. Making you cry seems really unnecessary. I’d reevaluate the relationship as you are doing.

He said he would love to have a shower at am airport or station before so that was 50% of what he liked...

It isn’t. I speak from first hand experience. Tbh his whole stroppy childish attitude would put me off him completely.

I recall a thread on here not too long ago from a woman whose husband had planned her a trip away for her birthday to somewhere she'd mentioned once but then decided she didn't want to go to. (European city I think). She got a massive cheer squad on here telling her how unreasonable he'd been booking something without consulting her.

@Miserableinpenzance You don't seem to want to engage with the issues in your relationship, and are avoiding talking about the on this thread, I'm guessing that's how you approach your sulky husband, just try to put up a front and be happy if he's happy. I hope that even if you don't respond, you do hear what people are saying, which is crying that much given his response probably isn't typical for most relationships. Look after yourself too.

I am really on the fence here, OP. On the one hand I can see that you've put a lot of thought into it... but on the other hand I very much get the feeling that you knew there were aspects of this that he just wouldn't enjoy very much, and that you also knew that he doesn't tolerate some types of discomfort very well. So it was a risk that you took. Perhaps see how it is when you're off the sleeper train?

Edit: sorry, I see you're off the sleeper train now and he's enjoying himself.

So he could shower before the trip, and had no problem with that, and presumably could have a shower after the trip when you got to the hotel. So he wasn't actually missing the chance to be clean?

It sounds to me like he's difficult because he knows it upsets you and you'll run around after him making him happy. I couldn't be bothered with it, frankly.

TBF I wouldn't like it either and would be well pissed off. I'm a light sleeper and also think that Cornwall is overrated. Thankfully husband would know not to book something like that for me.

For his 70th birthday I bought my late husband a flight in a Tiger Moth which I thought he'd love, not realising that this is an open cockpit aircraft and he had a severe fear of exposure!! He didn't go until it had almost expired the following year but he did it, adored it and bought the picture and the video!

He sounds like a toddler. I agree with a pp, he sounds deeply unsexy.

Oh he loves Cornwall and would love it. That part I knew