Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Was my online date probably going to murder me?

245 replies

Thefirstone · 31/05/2024 05:19

I haven’t slept tonight.
In early 2023 I met someone through a cuddle website online (I don’t remember which one). I am early 20’s and he is late 30’s so a lot older than me. we spoke for a few weeks at most but we clicked on a personal level and it was intense. I lived closer to him at the time (I now don’t). It became clear we had bonded. He spoke a lot about the issues he has with his family and I shared a bit about mine. He made himself out to be a really safe and trustworthy person that cared about me and I believe I massively over shared about my personal life, not knowing my family (I was brought up by my mother and she changed her name and her second name which I also took so I have no idea who my family are and she won’t talk about it), and having very minimal contact with my mother because she is bipolar and can turn on and off, she isn’t completely bad but has an abusive side to her and it isn’t good for my mental health. I don’t have many friends. We exchanged numbers. We didn’t meet in person but we were going to. He had good reviews. One day he just stopped replying a few days before we were going to meet up and after a bit I assumed he had lost interest and I deleted his number. I was a bit disappointed but I just forgot about him soon enough. I ended up moving a few hours away.
a few weeks ago I got a call and I didn’t know who it was at first but he was speaking to me in a friendly manner, asking me how I was etc. He explained who he was and that he lost contact because he ended up in hospital and then started dealing with personal family issues and self harm, and nevertheless I still don’t understand why he reached out to me but didn’t know how to question it further. He wanted to meet up like we were going to the first time bear in mind it had been more than a year since he just disappeared so I was reluctant despite how well we got on the first time.
I explained to him that I wanted to get to know him first and explained that he would have to stay in a hotel as I’m not completely comfortable. at first he seemed understanding and spoke about how he is respectful of the way that I feel but later on he got very offended and said that I must not like him if I am going to make him stay in a hotel even though it is the first time meeting him.
I have found his Facebook page it is from 2014 and he has no other social media besides linked in.
I suppose it is hard to work out with limited information but I have been speaking to a friend online who has said that he sounds manipulative and like he knows that I am isolated and cut off from a support network, knows I have issues and would be the perfect target if he is a murderer.
we were meant to meet up this Friday evening ever since the date was planned I have been having recurring vivid nightmares about being murdered in my bed by him and dragged off into the wooded area by my house. Tonight I haven’t slept at all as it’s Friday.
he doesn’t know my exact address but we were due to meet literally in a public space over the street from my house so that I can verify he was who he said he was before bringing him back to my house
but now I’m 99% sure I don’t want to at all.
I obviously have no evidence and it’s probably more likely that he wanted a shag but does it sound like he wanted to murder me and are there any other signs that I should look for that would tell me which it is? Do I explain anything to him or just block? I am extremely uncomfortable that he even has a rough idea of where I am and knows my name and number etc
if you got this far thanks for reading

OP posts:
MILLYmo0se · 31/05/2024 19:02

Leaving this guy aside, you aren't going to meet him and he doesn't know where you live or how to contact you if you block him, do you see yourself in the future arranging something similar? Arranging to bring a complete stranger - because no matter how many deep and meaningful chats you've had they are essentially still a stranger that you have no idea if they are being truthful or not into your home is not a safe or smart thing to do. Yes women do it whether it be a one night stand or 'for a cuddle on the sofa' and it's fine but many do it and it's far from fine. Take this as a good outcome, you ve had the scare that makes you realise you need to be smarter about these things without actually having had something awful happen to you

6pence · 31/05/2024 19:02

You have covid/the shits so can’t do tonight. You are too ill to text. Then in a few days you gush that you can’t meet him as you’ve just met a lovely boyfriend and you are so happy.

Then stop communicating and block completely,

setitup · 31/05/2024 19:06

Also how does he know your exact address? You might benefit from establishing boundaries of how much you disclose about yourself online (I mean this kindly and without judgement)

For example: it’s okay to share your personal circumstances - everyone needs someone to talk to, but you could use a throwaway account on a forum like this or Reddit and then delete your post/account once you’ve got the advice you need. You could anonymise details.

Or even call the Samaritans if you’re wanting a personal conversation with a person. You don’t need to seek out that personal disclosure with someone you’ve just met and lives near you in real life like this guy. Instead get advice from people who can’t trace you back in real life

Lotsofsnacks · 31/05/2024 19:14

Please say you haven’t given him your address?

Im sure it will be fine though. He sounds a CF though, asking to stay overnight when you have never met him before in your life! More than likely just wants sex.

In future take this as a lesson, DO NOT give so much info to a random man online, and definitely don’t tell them you have few family and friends, until you have sussed then out. Weird man prey on vulnerable women. Pretend you have a big over protective male friend living near you etc!

Lavender14 · 31/05/2024 19:16

I met dh old and would NEVER bring a guy to my home on a first, second and possibly third date!

He could be a murderer... but he could also be many other things - thief, rapist or just someone who's very keen to have a one night stand and sees this as his chance to meet women and aim for that.

Ultimately what matters here is that you don't feel good about the way he's approached this so I'd block and move on.

I went on two dates with a guy and they were nice and he was very polite and respectful but then after the second date got super intense by text and totally creeped me out. I told him I wasn't interested in communicating any more and wished him all the best. A year later he was still messaging me and had created sm accounts to track me there as well. I was SO glad he never knew where I lived.

If you're going to meet something from online do it in a public place and make sure others know where you are, who you're meeting and check in with them when you get home. Anyone can put a pleasant face on for an hour or two.

Nicole1111 · 31/05/2024 19:16

With kindness you’re completely spiralling. He doesn’t know where you live, only the general area. If you’ve cancelled he’s highly unlikely to turn up. You have absolutely no concrete evidence that he poses a risk to you. All this is off one comment made by your friend who hasn’t met this man, checked his criminal record etc. It’s completely normal as a woman to worry about your safety when dating, but it’s not normal to be unable to sleep and panicking to the point you’re looking at moving house. You need to seek mental health support as soon as you can.

Whoswhoof · 31/05/2024 21:02

The gift of fear

Dibbydoos · 31/05/2024 21:19

We have brain cells in our gut (scientific fact), that's why we should always listen to our gut.

Ask for your details to be removed from all public records - council tax (if possible voting regiser).

Google your phone number, see what it says. Google your name and city location and see what it says. These searches will give you an idea if what's out their publicly about you.

Check your FB and other socials and make sure tge data you're sharing is OK, remove anything about your location or put a different one in instead.

Tell him that your flattered he contacted you again, but you don't want to meet etc.

Put up cctv - this can be very inexpensive and simple if its wireless
https://www.safewise.com/best-security-cameras-without-a-subscription/

I'd also think about getting a dog not just cos they alert you but for companionship. Mine are brilliant, Storm is a white GSD and looks like a white wolf. He saved me from a stalker! We now added a pyrenean mountain dog, I feel very safe because she alerts really loudly, so not only sounds like a big dog but is very big dog.

Best Security Cameras without a Subscription | SafeWise

Paying a monthly fee for a security camera isn't easy on your wallet. Here are our favorite security cameras without a subscription.

https://www.safewise.com/best-security-cameras-without-a-subscription

Cornishclio · 31/05/2024 21:57

You do sound very overwhelmed and your anxiety is spiralling. I hope you messaged him to say you could not make tonight and you would rather not continue with contact. For your own peace of mind is there anyone who can stay with you tonight? Just stay in and watch TV.

In the future as everyone has said steer well clear of these online dating sites particularly this one which probably attracts a lot of weird people with few boundaries. Not sure why he got offended when you asked him to stay in a hotel and says you must not like him. Obviously you don't know him so cannot trust him. In future give them a wide berth.

oakleaffy · 31/05/2024 22:03

TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS

@Thefirstone Look up Elaine O’Hara and O Dwyer.

She too, bless her heart, should have trusted her instincts.

DO NOT MEET UP.

Block block block.

FamilyDynamo · 31/05/2024 22:03

I'm sorry this thread is bonkers. He's definitely not going to murder you and you definitely don't need to move. You just need to write to him and say 'I'm sorry I have changed my mind. I don't want to meet you and will no longer respond to messages.' Job done, get some sleep.

sammyjoanne · 01/06/2024 00:14

I would not persue this. It already sounds too intense and him being put off having to stay at a hotel. I would call it a day.

Theredoubtableskins · 01/06/2024 00:21

oakleaffy · 31/05/2024 22:03

TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS

@Thefirstone Look up Elaine O’Hara and O Dwyer.

She too, bless her heart, should have trusted her instincts.

DO NOT MEET UP.

Block block block.

It’s not her instincts. It’s a comment from some other random “friend” she has online. Proper another nutter who enjoys the drama and can see OP is vulnerable and easy to mess around with.

daisychain01 · 01/06/2024 02:32

Tell him that your flattered he contacted you again, but you don't want to meet etc.

give me strength.

no she does not have to say she's flattered by anything a random bloke does. Just block him, she'll never see him again. He's a creep!

Scruffily · 01/06/2024 08:22

No, he wasn't planning to murder you. Forget about him, bin off your alarmist "friend", and get on with your life.

whatsitcalledwhen · 01/06/2024 08:36

Tell him that your flattered he contacted you again, but you don't want to meet etc.

Sorry but this is really poor advice.

Don't tell him you were flattered OP, it's an invitation for him to continue contacting you.

You don't need to soften the blow by saying something that makes you sound like you could be persuaded to change your mind.

Theothername · 01/06/2024 08:37

I hope you’re feeling a little better this morning @Thefirstone ?

redboxer321 · 01/06/2024 08:55

I'd also think about getting a dog not just cos they alert you but for companionship. Mine are brilliant, Storm is a white GSD and looks like a white wolf. He saved me from a stalker! We now added a pyrenean mountain dog, I feel very safe because she alerts really loudly, so not only sounds like a big dog but is very big dog.

@Thefirstone Loads of good advice on this thread but this isn't it. Easier said than done I know but I hope you get the mh support you need. I'd give dating a miss for know and concentrate on you.

TheSignsAllPointToGuiltyAsF · 01/06/2024 09:17

I think @viques makes a really good point here @Thefirstone

what I think you need to do is to try to build up some relationships that will give you friendship and confidence

And I am going to recommend the Freedom programme again because of it, and New Beginnings

Both are run by Women’s Aid and you can get the most out of them by doing them in person in a single sex space.

There will be support from professionals and other women and a safe environment while you explore and build up your inner self.

You might make friends, many do bond and provide ongoing encouragement and mutual support, many find the weekly groups are all they can manage at first but it is all company in a safe, non-sexual environment.

You will benefit from working out what values you want in a friend, or partner - and for yourself.

Going on a cuddle website as a vulnerable person who has experienced abuse suggests to me that you are really in need of human touch - but the non-sexual type of human touch many take for granted - like hugs from family or friends.

Sometimes Women’s Aid or other female groups organise manicures, head massages etc as part of the therapeutic process of reconnecting to the body and to human touch in a safe and boundaried way.

And so here is a little wildcard suggestion ‘present you’ can do for ‘future you’

Save a little, even if only pennies in a jar for now, mark it your “I care about myself” if you like so each time you pop even one coin in you see that message (or similar positive one)

’Future you’ can go get a manicure/pedicure, reflexology, hairdresser visit, head massage, back massage or whatever

Human touch is so important and if you build in platonic human touch through these ways it will be much, much safer than seeking comfort from strangers you met online.

I don’t know enough to comment on others advice re autism or if my above suggestion might conflict with that, I just know for an elderly relative and a survivor of abuse those things really seemed to make a huge difference.

yousexybugger · 01/06/2024 11:16

Dibbydoos · 31/05/2024 21:19

We have brain cells in our gut (scientific fact), that's why we should always listen to our gut.

Ask for your details to be removed from all public records - council tax (if possible voting regiser).

Google your phone number, see what it says. Google your name and city location and see what it says. These searches will give you an idea if what's out their publicly about you.

Check your FB and other socials and make sure tge data you're sharing is OK, remove anything about your location or put a different one in instead.

Tell him that your flattered he contacted you again, but you don't want to meet etc.

Put up cctv - this can be very inexpensive and simple if its wireless
https://www.safewise.com/best-security-cameras-without-a-subscription/

I'd also think about getting a dog not just cos they alert you but for companionship. Mine are brilliant, Storm is a white GSD and looks like a white wolf. He saved me from a stalker! We now added a pyrenean mountain dog, I feel very safe because she alerts really loudly, so not only sounds like a big dog but is very big dog.

Edited

Please stop the scaremongering. OP does not need CCTV and guard dogs because of one strange bloke online. She needs perspective, calm and to build a life where she feels a confident and valuable member of society.

How are you feeling today OP?

rebeccaxxxx · 01/06/2024 11:23

how are you today op?

Thefirstone · 01/06/2024 11:30

Theothername · 01/06/2024 08:37

I hope you’re feeling a little better this morning @Thefirstone ?

Yes I don’t know if you’ve missed it but I blocked him yesterday and got more sleep last night and I will just forget about him and work on my mental health

OP posts:
TheSignsAllPointToGuiltyAsF · 01/06/2024 11:40

I hope you have a good day, and that ‘work on your mental health’ involves doing something lovely or fun for yourself

Snuggled up on the sofa with a blanket, cat, cup of hot chocolate & a favourite film doesn’t sound like ‘work’ but sometimes that’s the very best thing I can do for my mental health!

DullFanFiction · 01/06/2024 11:40

Happy to see you’re feeling better today.

Onwards it goes :)

yousexybugger · 01/06/2024 12:07

Great stuff!!