Was my online date probably going to murder me?

[Thefirstone]

I haven’t slept tonight.
In early 2023 I met someone through a cuddle website online (I don’t remember which one). I am early 20’s and he is late 30’s so a lot older than me. we spoke for a few weeks at most but we clicked on a personal level and it was intense. I lived closer to him at the time (I now don’t). It became clear we had bonded. He spoke a lot about the issues he has with his family and I shared a bit about mine. He made himself out to be a really safe and trustworthy person that cared about me and I believe I massively over shared about my personal life, not knowing my family (I was brought up by my mother and she changed her name and her second name which I also took so I have no idea who my family are and she won’t talk about it), and having very minimal contact with my mother because she is bipolar and can turn on and off, she isn’t completely bad but has an abusive side to her and it isn’t good for my mental health. I don’t have many friends. We exchanged numbers. We didn’t meet in person but we were going to. He had good reviews. One day he just stopped replying a few days before we were going to meet up and after a bit I assumed he had lost interest and I deleted his number. I was a bit disappointed but I just forgot about him soon enough. I ended up moving a few hours away.
a few weeks ago I got a call and I didn’t know who it was at first but he was speaking to me in a friendly manner, asking me how I was etc. He explained who he was and that he lost contact because he ended up in hospital and then started dealing with personal family issues and self harm, and nevertheless I still don’t understand why he reached out to me but didn’t know how to question it further. He wanted to meet up like we were going to the first time bear in mind it had been more than a year since he just disappeared so I was reluctant despite how well we got on the first time.
I explained to him that I wanted to get to know him first and explained that he would have to stay in a hotel as I’m not completely comfortable. at first he seemed understanding and spoke about how he is respectful of the way that I feel but later on he got very offended and said that I must not like him if I am going to make him stay in a hotel even though it is the first time meeting him.
I have found his Facebook page it is from 2014 and he has no other social media besides linked in.
I suppose it is hard to work out with limited information but I have been speaking to a friend online who has said that he sounds manipulative and like he knows that I am isolated and cut off from a support network, knows I have issues and would be the perfect target if he is a murderer.
we were meant to meet up this Friday evening ever since the date was planned I have been having recurring vivid nightmares about being murdered in my bed by him and dragged off into the wooded area by my house. Tonight I haven’t slept at all as it’s Friday.
he doesn’t know my exact address but we were due to meet literally in a public space over the street from my house so that I can verify he was who he said he was before bringing him back to my house
but now I’m 99% sure I don’t want to at all.
I obviously have no evidence and it’s probably more likely that he wanted a shag but does it sound like he wanted to murder me and are there any other signs that I should look for that would tell me which it is? Do I explain anything to him or just block? I am extremely uncomfortable that he even has a rough idea of where I am and knows my name and number etc
if you got this far thanks for reading

I hope she is just at work with little access to Internet.

Hopefully she's put an end to it. And woken up to the danger she's potentially put herself in not just with this guy but others too.

She said she chatted to him a year ago. Has there been others she's chatted to as well and brought back to her house?

I do think it's only a matter of time before she'd end up with a serious weirdo in her house if she invites strangers from the Internet home.

Glad you're not meeting him

Delete the cuddle app

OP I think there are a few parts to unpack here. Forgive me for not picking up every detail.

1. cuddle websites (I had not heard of these) essentially put you and a stranger in a private setting immediately together. It may sound nice and harmless because it's about cuddling not sex but it carries the same risks as a hookup site.

2. if you want company why not try OLD where you can meet for a coffee, meetup or hobby groups such as maybe a board games night, or maybe a community group?

3. I think try not to let your thoughts of this man being a murderer run away with you and cause worse anxiety. He doesn't know your address and that's important. However don't ignore your instincts. You felt uncomfortable about a man you don't know (and you don't know a man you've only chatted to online or on the phone) coming to your house. You set a boundary of sorts re a hotel and he tried to trample over it. That isn't the sign of a straightforward, safe and decent man to invite into your life. Is he a murderer? Not necessarily. Is he statistically more likely than that to be a bully, abusive, pushy, sexually inappropriate or just a common or garden dickhead? Absolutely.

4. block this man. No more to be said.

5. please be more careful online. If you're chatting to people you're not getting to know the real them until you meet so make that a focus early if you go back to dating. Please don't overshare or make yourself appear vulnerable. Keep it light to start with.

Try to be more assertive, very definite and strong. A man with bad intentions wants to pick someone who is vague, submissive, too polite to say piss off, has been taught their role is to please men.

“then maybe just stop talking to him or something”
is way too vague.
Message you’re ill/ got called away/ your police officer cousin is coming to stay. Then block on everything.
Please don’t bring someone on a first date back to your home —- that is how many women gave been raped and/or killed.

Your subconscious is shouting at you loudly that you don't feel safe around him. Well done for listening to it.

You don't owe him a single darn thing - have you already cancelled the date? Then block him everywhere and feel no remorse.

And then have some reflection time to work out what you need to do differently in order to be safer in the future. Like not disclosing your vulnerabilities and past history to a stranger on the internet.

I think any relationship you have should 'add' to your life. He sounds quite troubled and I'm not sure that he would improve your life in any way. I think a relationship should add fun, companionship and shared values. He sounds a bit like an emotional vampire. I think you are quite right to be cautious. Always listen to what your instincts are telling you. Wishing you all the best OP

I have had a few hours sleep. I woke up at about half past 1 and feel very dysregulated. I am only just having “lunch” now.
I am going to stick to my routine as much as possible and try to fix my messed up sleep schedule.
I am really worried that I haven’t heard from him at all today and don’t know if or when he is actually going to even turn up.
I feel like I am in “waiting mode”.
I have actually spoken to shelter and had some good advice. They explained that I could make a mutual exchange request, or homeless application on the basis that the place I live is no longer safe to reside in but it would need to be a threat to life with proof from the police and based on these replies I feel like I wouldn’t get that. I am very overwhelmed by it all.

You're having vivid nightmares because you're scared.

You're not scared because you have unerringly good instincts and this man IS about to murder you. You haven't, and he most likely won't. He does sound dodgy, but you didn't notice until now.

You're scared because you are vulnerable, you have a backlog of personal work to do, and your boundaries are completely fucked up. So your anxiety is appropriate, based on who YOU are right now.

No more cuddle or dating websites! Focus on therapy, the Freedom Programme, and slowly forming a real life network of supportive friendships.

Thank you for getting back to us. I’ve just had a mid afternoon nap myself and feel discombobulated. You’ve cancelled the meet up, I think you said you’re going to back off these cuddle websites, just have a cosy evening in and try not to let your fabulous imagination go into overdrive.

if you can't leave to stay elsewhere for the night lock the doors windows etc, close the curtains and make sure your phone is fully charged. It's very unlikely he will be able to find your house based on the information you have so don't worry.
As others said, some counselling to help you reset your boundaries and deal with your anxiety is probably going to be helpful. can you contact your gp?

Are you autistic OP?

You don’t need to move.
He doesn’t have your address does he?

This man has scared you and so I definitely wouldn’t meet up with him.
Good on you for listening to your gut instinct.

Lock your doors and have a relaxing day/evening and then make sure you wake up at a decent time tomorrow to get back into your sleep routine.

These cuddle sites sometimes attract weirdos and you would be better off going on actual dating sites (but there can be weirdos on there too).

Please keep updating the thread as we are all supporting you and want to know you’re ok.

You are catastrophising.

He won't be trying to murder you or even trying to find you in all likelihood. Have you cancelled the meeting so he knows not to turn up?

Its so important that in future you don’t give details out about yourself or give hint of where you live (even to a female friend from these sites).

These sites are generally full of murderers but they are full of people preying on vulnerable people.

I have heard many stories of people being cuckooed (having their home taken over by drug dealers) or just being a cock lodger (using the person as somewhere to stay) and these have met on sites where vulnerable women tend to visit.

There are also men who will rape and attack you.

If you’ve never watched the movie and Tv series catfish then it’s well worth a watch because so many people lie about who they are.

Ok, good that you've got some rest. I'm not minimising potential risk from men (not with my experiences) but I think you can afford to breathe here rather than thinking about moving house, threats to life or making yourself homeless. Maybe literally some grounding or breathing exercises?

I might have missed a step but would recommend sending a cancellation message and blocking. That way you have drawn a clear line mentally and if he does try harassing you.

Something like 'hi Arthur, just to confirm, after much thought, I would prefer to cancel our meetup and leave things here. I wish you all the very best but please do not contact me again'.

And then onwards, working on yourself in small steps. Maybe start with sleep hygiene, doing a bit of reading about boundaries, working up to building some in person friendships.

Rather than becoming disproportionately fearful of this guy, maybe you could reframe your contact with him as something that has roughly tided you over during an isolated period and given you someone to offload to even if it's got a bit messy and worrisome but isn't the best you can do in terms of relationships and support. Also, importantly it's been a big learning curve about safety and boundaries xx

Agree with all of this. Quite confused by some of the responses. OP sounds super vulnerable- either autistic or struggling with an anxiety disorder.

This man is not going to murder you, partly because he doesn't know where you live, partly because he almost certainly just wanted an easy shag (which I assume is the case for many people you'd meet on a "cuddle" website)

Please consider talking to someone about what has happened - a counsellor could help you unpack what you were looking for when you were initially talking to this man, and why you've spiralled in this way. I think it's unlikely you're in danger now but I think you could be really vulnerable in future relationships

You do not need to move, you just need to let him know you’re cancelling and then block him, if he then did something inappropriate you could then contact the police, yes he’s probably a weirdo based on the site you met him on, but you are getting yourself all stressed, calling shelter etc on a what if situation.

in future never give out home address, never have a first dates at home that’s a recipe for disaster, always in a public place.

Why are you talking about moving? That guy hasn’t done anything. And why would he turn up at the meeting place? Have you not cancelled? Are you just going to leave him to travel, book a hotel and everything and you just don’t turn up?

Are you ok? Do you have family or someone you can call because, you sound like you’re having some sort of mental health crisis.

I'm a bit worried about you OP. Why do you think you need to move and have phoned shelter.
Please contact a friend or family member for a chat.

She doesn’t have normal family supports—she said that right in the first post!

Huge over reaction to a very simple problem! Why on earth are you talking about moving?!

Most people have told you he's probably just a creep after an easy shag, not a murderer.

Have you messaged him to cancel the date this evening? If so, I would just assume that he is not coming, even if he hasn't replied.

Just lock your door and have a quiet night in. He doesn't know your address so even if he turns up over the road he won't know which house is yours.

I think you would benefit from some counselling to deal with your poor boundaries, lack of confidence and catastrophising.

Bumping this hoping @Thefirstone spots it. Some really good advice .

@Thefirstone if you do dip your foot into online dating again then please take advice about how much information you disclose to strangers, about how to meet someone safely, where you meet, when to meet , how to get home again safely.

But what I think you need to do is to try to build up some relationships that will give you friendship and confidence first, maybe joining a crafting group like a knit and natter, a book group, or a walking group, maybe there is a local WI near you ( they are not just for old biddies!) , or if you like board games then a games group or cafe. I know it is hard to make the effort, but believe me, it will be a lot safer and more rewarding than going on a very dubious sounding site that as others have said sounds like a hunting ground for predators.

Above all, take care of yourself.

This. I knew a man, met at work who just was perfect. Till he told me his dream job was to be a professional cuddler at a cuddle cafe, he should me his research. He also mentioned he felt he could identify with Ted Bundy the serial killer. Stay off the cuddle website.

At the very least, contact the police with your concerns or even ask your friend to if you don’t know what to say. She can say she’s worried about you due to your family matters and he may be taking advantage of you - it might be hard for you to get that across

Have you actually told him you want to cancel, OP?

If not, just send a brief “Hi Bob, I’m sorry for the short notice but i have decided this isn’t right for me so I won’t be meeting you. Wish you all the best for the future.”

Then just stay in tonight. There’s no need for drama about moving and being murdered, you’re just upsetting yourself when nothing has actually happened.

You do sound quite vulnerable, which I mean kindly, I feel quite concerned for you. Can i suggest you concentrate on working on your mental health, getting medication if you need it and finding some local community, maybe join a choir or volunteer somewhere etc? And no more meet up sites, they aren’t going to do you any good.
Good luck OP :)

You need to tell him that you have found a man and that year he went AWOL? He might have been in jail.

Maybe contact the police and as for a ??? Is it Claires law report?