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Original poster

He cancelled a date and is now angry I didn’t reply?

594 replies

Utopiana · 27/05/2024 15:46

Been seeing this man for 2 months ish. We were meant to meet on Saturday at 7pm but I got a message (after I had spent two hours getting ready!!!) at 6 saying “hello, it’s one of my mates birthday tonight sorry I forgot, I will have to show up for a bit, but would be free around 11pm, idk how you feel about that”

I felt like he had a better offer (not the party) and just thought well okay. Went out with my friends instead. No intention of getting into an argument or discussion with the guy.

I have just got a message from him saying “you need to learnt to communicate better, you can’t just go silent when you don’t get what you want or what is offered is not good enough for you.”

ITS BEEN LESS THAN 2 days.

Was I wrong not to reply to his text? I think any rational person knows someone’s not going to meet them for a meal at 11?

OP posts:
diddl · 28/05/2024 14:50

But just because someone is rude to you, doesn't mean you need to be rude back.

But surely that's the thing about messaging?

It can be ignored!

He's shown Op that she's not important to her.

Why engage further?

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 28/05/2024 14:52

What possible reply could OP have given to his first message that wouldn't teach him that he was in the right? 'Sorry you couldn't have given me more notice of cancelling'? He'd read, 'frigid bitch, rude, abrupt. If she's just said 'nope, that's not all right' he'd read it the same way. The only way she wouldn't have been 'rude' in his eyes was to have answered with 'aw, luv, of course it's all right, you have a good time, don't mind me, I'll be here at 11 if you want to come over.'

ANY other answer, in his view, would have been 'rude' because she'd have been angry, disappointed and fed up and her message would (should) have indicated this.

Sometimes no answer is the only answer they deserve.

Anele22 · 28/05/2024 15:05

Mnk711 · 28/05/2024 13:34

IMO you were rude not to reply. His hectoring response though was ludicrous. Blocking sounds sensible. And agreed he didn't show good judgement only telling you am hour before - also he could have invited you to it, said he'd only go there for an hour etc- so he chose to make a not ideal situation even worse.

2h to get ready an hour before the date though, suggesting you would have spent 3h(?) getting ready is a lot of time and effort though, I wouldn't blame him for that, you chose to do that.

Don’t be ridiculous, she can spend as long as she likes getting ready for a date. That doesn’t make it her fault if he cancels on her at the last minute.

sandyhappypeople · 28/05/2024 15:16

DrJonesIpresume · 28/05/2024 14:23

I personally hate it when I get let down with an hour's notice because they've decided there's something else they'd rather do instead.

I do not like being someone else's second fiddle.

Show quote history

That's fair enough, it is disappointing, but a lot of people on here are assuming that it's not a genuine mix up and that he had done it on purpose because he had a better offer, rather then genuinely forgot about his friends birthday plans, she went out with her mates so that time getting ready wasn't for nothing.

It's not second fiddle if he had already committed to plans then forgot about them, it's a mistake, I think someone you're very recently dating getting the hump because you want to spend time with your friends or family that you had already previously committed to is a huge red flag IMO, the idea is you fit around each others lives, not demand their undivided attention then pout when you don't get it.

Maybe I'm being naïve but I'd rather give someone the benefit of the doubt if it's the first time this has happened, rather then try and punish them for it.

diddl · 28/05/2024 15:22

“hello, it’s one of my mates birthday tonight sorry I forgot, I will have to show up for a bit, but would be free around 11pm, idk how you feel about that”

It's a pretty shit message imo.

Why not rearrange instead?

If he has to show up for a bit why would that take all evening?

He's a shit friend if he forgets bdays so would probably be a shit partner also!

category12 · 28/05/2024 15:33

sandyhappypeople · 28/05/2024 15:16

That's fair enough, it is disappointing, but a lot of people on here are assuming that it's not a genuine mix up and that he had done it on purpose because he had a better offer, rather then genuinely forgot about his friends birthday plans, she went out with her mates so that time getting ready wasn't for nothing.

It's not second fiddle if he had already committed to plans then forgot about them, it's a mistake, I think someone you're very recently dating getting the hump because you want to spend time with your friends or family that you had already previously committed to is a huge red flag IMO, the idea is you fit around each others lives, not demand their undivided attention then pout when you don't get it.

Maybe I'm being naïve but I'd rather give someone the benefit of the doubt if it's the first time this has happened, rather then try and punish them for it.

Show quote history

Personally I believe what you tolerate in the early stages of dating sets the scene for the rest of the relationship. If he's low effort and disrespectful at the start and you accept that, that's all you get throughout.

I think the original message he sent was pretty disrespectful - extremely short notice to cancel, treating her time as unimportant, and basically assuming she'd be OK with sitting at home waiting for him to turn up.

I'm glad she had other options and used them, and hasn't be arsed chasing some low effort bloke.

WhoamI2say · 28/05/2024 15:39

Aah! Got it, I didn't know it's very mature to not reply to a text because someone upset you and cancelled on you. Thanks!

WiddlinDiddlin · 28/05/2024 15:48

Reply:

'Yeah I was going to reply but then a better offer to do something else came up and I forgot... '

And then block.

bowlingalleyblues · 28/05/2024 15:49

He got the message that the silence was because what was offered was not good enough for you. Great communication OP - he got the message.

AliceOlive · 28/05/2024 15:50

WhoamI2say · 28/05/2024 15:39

Aah! Got it, I didn't know it's very mature to not reply to a text because someone upset you and cancelled on you. Thanks!

It’s beyond that. I don’t think women owe men anything when they are being ridiculous and disrespectful. It’s not about being upset, it’s about realizing someone is not worth your time.

SamW98 · 28/05/2024 15:53

Actually if he’d given a proper apology, offered to make it up to her and genuinely seemed contrite then fair enough give him a chance but the fact he couldn’t be arsed to send anything more than a genetic text and not even pick up the phone deserves absolutely no response.

And silence is a totally valid response to low bar effort.

Play stupid games win stupid prizes

NasiDagang · 28/05/2024 15:53

sandyhappypeople · 28/05/2024 15:16

That's fair enough, it is disappointing, but a lot of people on here are assuming that it's not a genuine mix up and that he had done it on purpose because he had a better offer, rather then genuinely forgot about his friends birthday plans, she went out with her mates so that time getting ready wasn't for nothing.

It's not second fiddle if he had already committed to plans then forgot about them, it's a mistake, I think someone you're very recently dating getting the hump because you want to spend time with your friends or family that you had already previously committed to is a huge red flag IMO, the idea is you fit around each others lives, not demand their undivided attention then pout when you don't get it.

Maybe I'm being naïve but I'd rather give someone the benefit of the doubt if it's the first time this has happened, rather then try and punish them for it.

Show quote history

It sets the precedence for future disrespectful behaviour from her date. It's ok for OP to have her standards really high at the beginning.

Lemonade2011 · 28/05/2024 16:04

I can’t believe these comments about the op being rude, entitled, childlike etc for dinging this guy. Sorry if he’s so feckless that he’s forgotten a friends birthday and cancels you with an hours notice then I’d probably not reply either,

he has not shown you any respect or consideration in this, You could’ve made other plans (you happily did anyway) but if friends were all busy as you already had something on then I’d have been annoyed at sat there, effectively all dressed up with nowhere to go!! Then the nippy text days later, lucky escape op. He sounds really not a great person tbh.

sandyhappypeople · 28/05/2024 16:04

NasiDagang · 28/05/2024 15:53

It sets the precedence for future disrespectful behaviour from her date. It's ok for OP to have her standards really high at the beginning.

Show quote history

Why does it?

If it happens once like this, benefit of the doubt, if it turns out to be more than once or a pattern then you're not going to continue anyway so what difference would it make? It doesn't set the precedence for anything IMO.

The problem is here is that if he IS genuine and has made a mistake, then you're throwing away a guy who actually has the decency to stick to his original commitments. If he isn't genuine, you'll soon find out.

If OP sets her standards so high that she doesn't believe a word any date says or doesn't take them at their word and always assumes any other commitments they have (friends or family etc) are lies and they've got someone else on the go.. she's going to have trouble dating anyone, whether they are genuine or not.

Otherstories2002 · 28/05/2024 16:04

WhoamI2say · 28/05/2024 14:08

She did act like a child though. If the tables were turned, everyone would be telling this woman she did the right thing messaging him to know about the change of plans and that he was rude to not respond/ignore her offer. She didn't have to accept his offer of meeting at 11 but yes it is extremely rude and childlike to not respond. Nothing wrong with his response, Infact I think it's a very mature message to say you can't just not respond when you don't get what you want! He did not abuse her in the text, just spoke his mind.

Absolutely not. This isn’t not ok because it’s a man. It’s not ok because it’s not ok.

PremiumListing · 28/05/2024 16:09

Classic case of: “Fuck around and find out.”

/Chef’s fingers kiss/

CheeseSandwichRiskAssessment · 28/05/2024 16:09

sandyhappypeople · 28/05/2024 16:04

Why does it?

If it happens once like this, benefit of the doubt, if it turns out to be more than once or a pattern then you're not going to continue anyway so what difference would it make? It doesn't set the precedence for anything IMO.

The problem is here is that if he IS genuine and has made a mistake, then you're throwing away a guy who actually has the decency to stick to his original commitments. If he isn't genuine, you'll soon find out.

If OP sets her standards so high that she doesn't believe a word any date says or doesn't take them at their word and always assumes any other commitments they have (friends or family etc) are lies and they've got someone else on the go.. she's going to have trouble dating anyone, whether they are genuine or not.

Show quote history

That could be the case if he hadn't asked for a booty call on top of cancelling the date.

category12 · 28/05/2024 16:14

sandyhappypeople · 28/05/2024 16:04

Why does it?

If it happens once like this, benefit of the doubt, if it turns out to be more than once or a pattern then you're not going to continue anyway so what difference would it make? It doesn't set the precedence for anything IMO.

The problem is here is that if he IS genuine and has made a mistake, then you're throwing away a guy who actually has the decency to stick to his original commitments. If he isn't genuine, you'll soon find out.

If OP sets her standards so high that she doesn't believe a word any date says or doesn't take them at their word and always assumes any other commitments they have (friends or family etc) are lies and they've got someone else on the go.. she's going to have trouble dating anyone, whether they are genuine or not.

Show quote history

I'd be more inclined to say "benefit of the doubt" if his original message hadn't been so casual and barely apologetic. If he'd acknowledged how rude it was to cancel on her so close to the date and offered an alternative date, then maybe another shot, but no, booty call - really? That deserves the benefit of the doubt?

Naunet · 28/05/2024 16:15

WhoamI2say · 28/05/2024 14:08

She did act like a child though. If the tables were turned, everyone would be telling this woman she did the right thing messaging him to know about the change of plans and that he was rude to not respond/ignore her offer. She didn't have to accept his offer of meeting at 11 but yes it is extremely rude and childlike to not respond. Nothing wrong with his response, Infact I think it's a very mature message to say you can't just not respond when you don't get what you want! He did not abuse her in the text, just spoke his mind.

Speak for yourself! Unless you have some kind of mind reading machine, you have no idea what people would have said. If your opinion would have been different, own it, but don’t claim other people you have never even met, hold such double standards too.

Mary28 · 28/05/2024 16:22

I don't actually think it was rude not to reply in this instance. I think he should have had the decency to call you rather than text you to cancel a date at the last minute because he forgot it was a mates birthday. He could have communicated better! I wouldn't be meeting him again full stop. I think you have the same idea. Stick to it.

Original poster
Utopiana · 28/05/2024 16:22

Occam’s Razor springs to mind.

  1. who forgets a close friends birthday when organising a date?
  2. who realises an hour before said date that they have a party that starts in an hour?
  3. who thinks any person would sit around until 11pm until they are summoned for a shag 😂

could never be me, but maybe I’ll be the happily single spinster on this awfully high horse I live on

OP posts:
Voguebird · 28/05/2024 16:26

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

CandyLeBonBon · 28/05/2024 16:26

My dp did this to me once very early on when we were dating. Very apologetic but asked if i was free later in the evening. The tone of the original message cancelling our plans, the polite and understanding response to my 'no thanks, I'm not a bootie call' message and reassurance that this was not his intention, determined that he was deserving of my giving him the benefit of the doubt. We are still together 6 years later.

OP's shitweasel didn't employ any grace in his messaging and didnt display any humility. It was an arrogant, entitled message, and I imagine he was shocked she didn't just cave and let him walk all over her. It certainly didn't warrant any kind of grace in return. You get what you give.

LordBummenbachsMagnificentBalls · 28/05/2024 16:28

I think you handled this perfectly OP, he treated you like an afterthought. If he respected you he wouldn’t have cancelled at short notice for a preplanned event, and if he doesn’t respect you it’s really a non starter anyway

PremiumListing · 28/05/2024 16:29

Utopiana · 28/05/2024 16:22

Occam’s Razor springs to mind.

  1. who forgets a close friends birthday when organising a date?
  2. who realises an hour before said date that they have a party that starts in an hour?
  3. who thinks any person would sit around until 11pm until they are summoned for a shag 😂

could never be me, but maybe I’ll be the happily single spinster on this awfully high horse I live on

There are some folk on Mumsnet who will contradict the sky is blue, some of them do it for sport and their own amusement, others have poor boundaries, yet more still are very naive, at least 10% will have some cognitive impairments… I wouldn’t take any of this to heart.

I think you have been extremely lucky he showed you his true colours so early on without wasting your time and you were able to go on to have an enjoyable evening with nice people.

If this is what he had in store for you day one, what do you think he would be doing to you a year down the line? I dread to think! Block and never look back and please keep that sense of self preservation and personal dignity up!

Amazing work!