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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My friend just screenshot a photo of my boyfriend on a dating site

987 replies

Mountaindewstar · 22/05/2024 22:17

Well well well what an absolute c*t! I hate that word but yep what a c*t!!
In a relationship with a man for 11 months, had the exclusive chat. See each other regularly, relationship seemed good. My friend has just sent me a screenshot of him on a dating site... so at 1st I tried to look at it as positively as can be ...maybe it's an old profile... but no he likes her profile and he has recently been active.

I am so hurt and gutted but I'm happy to say my anger has taken over!!!! We were meant to see each other for the whole weekend this weekend coming all planned, dinner booked, swimming, walks a lunch, cinema... obviously now im not going... any advice on what I should message, I dont feel he is owed the dignified face to face end it... seriously what an absolute bastard!!!
I don't want to be hysterical in my msg , classy would be good but also let him know what I have been shown!
I'm so glad he has never met this friend!! He has no idea who she is ... utter scumbag

OP posts:
JohnSt1 · 23/05/2024 11:06

I knew someone like him. He was extremely mercenary, and chased after people who were useful to him. Friends were expendable. As for women... Let's just say he wasn't a gentleman. I think you had a lucky escape.

tantrumingcoldchild · 23/05/2024 11:09

Well done for staying strong, OP! I look forward to seeing his frantic messages after you call him out 😅

IncompleteSenten · 23/05/2024 11:13

Mountaindewstar · 23/05/2024 10:46

Shes a fantastic loyal friend

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Absolutely she is.

I can't believe a good friend is considered by some to be one that doesn't tell you when your boyfriend is sniffing around dating sites.

Floppyelf · 23/05/2024 11:16

catfish him into spending a night in an hotel…. And then don’t turn up. And giving him an honest answer to why you’re breaking up is too good. I would dump him and say something along the lines of… I’m sorry but I don’t want to fake enjoying sex with you… it’s just not big enough and you don’t know what to do. Hurt his ego and take him out at the jugular.

poetryandwine · 23/05/2024 11:17

mmmno · 23/05/2024 05:09

Fair enough.

By the way, dignity doesn't matter - not at all - unless it matters to you personally.

Saying "stay dignified" is another way for women to be silenced and prevented from defending themselves or seeking justice against those who wrong them. So that's not why I am suggesting you literally never say another word to him again.

He has wronged you. However, it will hurt him far, far more to be absolutely blocked and totally ignored than anything you can say.

He will not be sorry, you cannot make him see how wrong he is. He has already proven that by his actions. Men like that just don't care and you can't make him.

You have one way left to punish him - absolutely ghost him without even a clue as to why. And never talk to him again. That will annoy his ego, he will hate not being in control, he will always be left wondering and he will not have the satisfaction of lying to you further, gaslighting you, calling you hysterical and all the horrible things men like that do when they get caught.

Don't say a word, just remove him from your life completely with no explanation. It's what he deserves.

Show quote history

This. When I was very young I had two relationships in quick succession with guys who treated me badly. Both times, when I finally made up my mind to end things and stopped returning their calls, treated them with cold politeness if I happened to run across them (this was way back before mobile phones), etc, they could not believe it.

They each pursued me for a while, which was tiresome. The feeling of power is nice but my view is, on no account take them back. You shouldn’t need to leave people to induce them to treat you well, and improvements are likely temporary

Doteycat · 23/05/2024 11:18

Viviennemary · 23/05/2024 09:50

That friend is no friend IMHO.

Well you're wrong there.
Shes a fabulous friend.

stealthninjamum · 23/05/2024 11:18

I really like the pp’s idea of saying you need someone who is more satisfying sexually as I think that’ll really mess with his mind.

I wouldn’t even mention the dating site.

gldd · 23/05/2024 11:21

Piglet89 · 23/05/2024 10:36

Play a completely straight bat.

”Tarquin: we agreed we were in an exclusive relationship. However, I have discovered you have an active profile on [insert name of site].

You have treated me with utter contempt and I can no longer trust you. Clearly, I will not continue a relationship with a dishonest person. Please don’t try to contact me again”.

This. Exactly this.

Ghosting, blocking, ignoring is likely to upset him and may be tempting to do. But isn't he then going to be resentful, angry, and confused? Surely it's far better to keep it factual and let him stew in his own wrongdoing. Maybe he'll have a proper think about his actions, what he has lost, and then he might not do it again to someone else.

lhlh · 23/05/2024 11:22

stealthninjamum · 23/05/2024 11:18

I really like the pp’s idea of saying you need someone who is more satisfying sexually as I think that’ll really mess with his mind.

I wouldn’t even mention the dating site.

I agree. Say nothing about the dating site at all. Just go with the lack of sexual satisfaction. This is the best revenge you could get

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 23/05/2024 11:23

You are riding high on adrenaline right now. You will crash unfortunately so you need to try and manage this carefully.

would your friend let you take over her account for a little while? Give you her login details and let you message him. I would honestly want to make sure he was the cunt you think he is. For example using her account see if you could meet him this weekend, when you know he’s with you? Ask questions about his relationship status etc.

Before I threw him back I’d just need to be completely sure it was him and he was all the awful things you think he is. That will also act as closure for you and make your emotional recovery easier.

drusth · 23/05/2024 11:23

.

Dadjoke007 · 23/05/2024 11:28

Floppyelf · 23/05/2024 11:16

catfish him into spending a night in an hotel…. And then don’t turn up. And giving him an honest answer to why you’re breaking up is too good. I would dump him and say something along the lines of… I’m sorry but I don’t want to fake enjoying sex with you… it’s just not big enough and you don’t know what to do. Hurt his ego and take him out at the jugular.

A better one, is to just be you, meet at hotel, tell him you want adventure and to tie him to the bed... then write something embarrassing on him in lipstick, take a pic and then just walk out the room and head back home...

80smonster · 23/05/2024 11:28

GoingRoundInOvals · 22/05/2024 22:19

ohhh there was an MNetter years ago who this happened to. She ended up cat fishing him I think and meeting him by a penguin house in a zoo (??) to confront him.

though I'm sorry it's happened to you OP

hope you've got wine / chocolate / insert food or beverage of choice x

This is amazing. Catfished and then forced to meet at the Penguin House. I’ll never forget this story.

ARichtGoodDram · 23/05/2024 11:30

Viviennemary · 23/05/2024 09:50

That friend is no friend IMHO.

Why on earth not?

She put herself in the firing line to let the OP know her boyfriend was actively on dating sites.

Given the number of times the messenger gets shot I’d say she’s a bloody good friend who took the risk of the Op turning on her rather than just ignoring it (as she’d have been told to do if she posted on here) and letting the two faced prick keep deceiving the OP.

gldd · 23/05/2024 11:30

Floppyelf · 23/05/2024 11:16

catfish him into spending a night in an hotel…. And then don’t turn up. And giving him an honest answer to why you’re breaking up is too good. I would dump him and say something along the lines of… I’m sorry but I don’t want to fake enjoying sex with you… it’s just not big enough and you don’t know what to do. Hurt his ego and take him out at the jugular.

Okay. I can see why someone might be resentful and angry at the digusting actions of this man. I can see why they might want to 'get back at him' in some way. That would be satisfying, right? Cathartic? I'll show him!

But is this really the best suggestion? Firstly, it's a lot of effort to set this up, and will likely result in quite a lot of drama. Secondly, it is dishonest - this is not the reason you're seperating, and I don't see why more lies will help an already dishonest situation. Thirdly, you might well end up with an extremely unhappy (violent?) response - is that worth it? It's seems a pretty childish suggestion to do something like this.

Like a previous said, just play a straight bat. Be an adult, explain your reasons, end it, and then block and move on. Don't lower yourself to his level. What was that Michelle Obama quote? ‘When they go low, we go high’.

EverythingYouDoIsaBalloon · 23/05/2024 11:32

Changingplace · 22/05/2024 22:19

What a bastard, if you want to be succinct you could simply forward on the screen shot with a short, ‘we’re finished’ and then block him.

This is what I'd do. I'm sorry this has happened, OP, no wonder you're furious.

Nettie1964 · 23/05/2024 11:33

Mountaindewstar · 22/05/2024 23:15

I love this 😂

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This it will ruin his weekend

cerisepanther73 · 23/05/2024 11:34

@tennistimetomorrow

😂 🤣 🤣 🤣 L.o.l
I love ❤️ your post idea suggestion too...

I think you've nailed it...

we think 🤔 in a similar way...

whatsitcalledwhen · 23/05/2024 11:40

@Viviennemary

That friend is no friend IMHO

Can I ask why you think that?

If you were in her shoes would you have chosen not to tell your friend that their boyfriend was actively on a dating site?

I'm baffled as to why you think she's a poor friend for giving OP this information.

GuinnessBird · 23/05/2024 11:44

Is it really him, someone's not using his photo?

Original poster
Mountaindewstar · 23/05/2024 11:49

cerisepanther73 · 23/05/2024 11:34

@tennistimetomorrow

😂 🤣 🤣 🤣 L.o.l
I love ❤️ your post idea suggestion too...

I think you've nailed it...

we think 🤔 in a similar way...

Which one was it? I can find it!

OP posts:
Original poster
Mountaindewstar · 23/05/2024 11:50

GuinnessBird · 23/05/2024 11:44

Is it really him, someone's not using his photo?

Yes its definitely him, all the info about him is 100% correct

OP posts:
BananaLambo · 23/05/2024 11:52

80smonster · 23/05/2024 11:28

This is amazing. Catfished and then forced to meet at the Penguin House. I’ll never forget this story.

Show quote history

‘Catfished and then forced to meet at the Penguin House’ is a great title for a book.’

Take the high road, OP, or say that you’ve had enough of his button mushroom cock and want a real man. Think about how much more of your precious time he deserves.

Damnedidont · 23/05/2024 12:06

Same thing happened to my daughter. Only she set up a fake profile and he landed on that. She is naturally suspicious having been betrayed before. She just ignored him. This was years ago and he still messages her occasionally. She never replies. Hope you meet someone worthy in the future. My daughter is with a lovely chap and has a baby boy

gruberandassocs · 23/05/2024 12:18

How about

" Boris I value honesty and trustworthiness in a relationship, because of this we are not compatible and I do not want to continue a relationship with you"

And just leave him wondering what and how you found him out with. Sorry you are going through this but better now than if you had moved in together or married.