My friend just screenshot a photo of my boyfriend on a dating site

[Mountaindewstar]

Well well well what an absolute c*t! I hate that word but yep what a c*t!!
In a relationship with a man for 11 months, had the exclusive chat. See each other regularly, relationship seemed good. My friend has just sent me a screenshot of him on a dating site... so at 1st I tried to look at it as positively as can be ...maybe it's an old profile... but no he likes her profile and he has recently been active.

I am so hurt and gutted but I'm happy to say my anger has taken over!!!! We were meant to see each other for the whole weekend this weekend coming all planned, dinner booked, swimming, walks a lunch, cinema... obviously now im not going... any advice on what I should message, I dont feel he is owed the dignified face to face end it... seriously what an absolute bastard!!!
I don't want to be hysterical in my msg , classy would be good but also let him know what I have been shown!
I'm so glad he has never met this friend!! He has no idea who she is ... utter scumbag

It’s not about you.

OP, don't text him or contact him at all. Leave him on read FOREVER.

If you send him screenshots or explanations, he will find a way to twist it. Either to you, or to the next woman. You'll be the crazy one.

But if you just give him silence, there's nothing he can do. He has no ammunition. It will drive him crazy. Does she know? What does she know? What is she thinking? What's she going to do?

Okay, it's a bit evil, and normally I would say don't ghost people because it's horrible. But in this case, I think it would be the most satisfying and dignified thing for you to do.

Is he actually active on the dating app? I’m pretty sure I would show up on a couple dating apps even though I haven’t been active on them for over a year? I don’t delete my accounts I just delete the app when not using it. Though I think after a while your profile doesn’t show unless you do a more detailed search.

I would say a lot of men (and women) probably still have dating profiles whilst in a relationship 😬, I think men like to have a ‘back up plan’.

Don't be ridiculous. She'd be no friend if she didn't tell the OP! I'd do the same for any of my friends. Please explain, I'm curious as to why you are saying this?

@Mountaindewstar I'd be livid too.

but can I ask, do you know it's def him and not someone using his pic?

If you do, then I'd send the screenshot like others suggested and call him out. Hope you can arrange sone lovely things to do this weekend.

If you don't, ask your friend to message with him and make sure it is him - look at the language he uses etc. Be certain it's him before you annihilate him.

Sending a hug, assuming it is him, Im glad you found out now.

Hope you’re ok OP. If you’re 100% sure it’s him I think you need to let him know how it feels to be messed around like that. I would arrange to meet him then just never show up. Waste his time, as he has wasted yours. I wouldn’t send him a screenshot or anything else, the not knowing (or not knowing how much you know) will be worse.

A few years ago I was at my (then) boyfriend’s flat and he was in the shower when his phone pinged with a message from one of his (many) female friends. My blood ran cold when I saw it - she was talking, in detail, about how great the sex was between them last night! I opened up his phone and found tinder, loads messages arranging dates, you get the idea. I took pics of everything on my phone then when he came back into the room I didn’t say a word.

I had previously raised suspicions of cheating and he strongly denied it, so I decided there was no point in having that conversation again. I also knew he had cheated on other women before but stupidly thought he had changed his ways! (I know, I know). I decided that this time he needed to learn his lesson. So I didn’t tell him I had seen anything, kissed him goodbye and left for work.

That week I orchestrated my revenge. We were due to go on holiday at the end of the week, so I set about:

• encouraging him to book expensive and non-refundable activities
• cancelling our hotel (in my name) and everything else I had booked
• swinging by his flat to pick up my belongings (told him I needed to pack them)

while all of this was going on I made sure to carry on as though everything was fine. I told him I was busy at work so couldn’t see him, but still had long phone chats etc. Hearing him continue to lie to me during these chats (telling me how much he loved me etc) was quite helpful in helping me get over him.

The day we were due to go on holiday I told him I would see him at the airport. He texted me saying he had arrived, asking where I was. I told him I was on my way, running late for a while, then just stopped replying and blocked him! I often think of him sat at the airport with his bags, trying to work out WTF happened. No idea if he took the flight and discovered I had cancelled everything I paid for, inc the hotel!

I haven’t read the whole thread but could it be an old profile ge doesn’t use ?

I think calm and unbothered is the way to go.

Just something along the lines of I'm disappointed you chose to lie to me and I had to find out from a friend who is also on x dating site that your idea of exclusive is not the same as mine. This is not a relationship I'm interested in having, please do not contact me again.

Then block him on everything and move on.

As an aside it is crazy the lengths some women will go to to explain away clearly awful behaviours. Benefit of the doubt. Maybe this, maybe that. When you caught him balls deep in your sister maybe she was choking on a piece of bread, the Heimlich hadn't worked and he was trying to poke it out from the other end.

I’d write ‘now I know why she ghosted you and if you’re really honest with yourself, you’ll be able to work it out too’.

Then block.

I think that's a great message, I'd send that

This perfect and classy. Don't stoop to his level

What a prick,

But also, what a great friend to show you straight away.

Horribke feeling though 💐

I'm sorry this happened, OP. I would just send him the screenshot, then block. Everyone suggesting setting up fake profiles, or telling him he's crap in bed is just being immature. This is something I've noticed on this site: people glom onto an OP's sad situation and suggest that they perform all kinds of outlandish behaviours. If they were in the same situation, they would never do that. They don't have the OP's best interests at heart, they just want cheap thrills and to live vicariously. It makes me roll my eyes a lot.

Play a completely straight bat.

”Tarquin: we agreed we were in an exclusive relationship. However, I have discovered you have an active profile on [insert name of site].

You have treated me with utter contempt and I can no longer trust you. Clearly, I will not continue a relationship with a dishonest person. Please don’t try to contact me again”.

Pretty certain its him, all of his details about himself are correct. Age, kids , hobbies , etc

This is good , thank u

100% - making cheap made up Jones about his sexual prowess or his penis is just pathetic imo.

And sorry but the ‘teaching him a lesson etc’ stuff is a waste of headspace. He won’t give a shit, he’s already moved onto his next target.

I do think the OP’a approach oh not telling him until the last minute is probably the best way but after that, just go no contact

So that he doesn't think you're on the site yourself (!) should you maybe add that you found this out as he'd liked the profile of one of your friends.
Then he absolutely can't defend himself or accuse you of anything...

A male friend of mine told me his profile picture was stolen from his Tinder account and then used on Bumble so please make sure it really is him before you dump him. Perhaps your friend could ask him for a video call and you be in the background to make sure it really is him?

👍🏻

Shes a fantastic loyal friend

I did wonder about that. The other day in the Times there was a piece by a woman whose photo (from 20 odd years previously) had been nicked and used more than once on dating sites - evidently for romance-scam purposes. It was a friend who first noticed and informed her, and more cases were later found.

It said recently active and just joined ... he also liked her so yes definitely active account

I wouldn’t bother writing in drama mode, or mention your feelings, neither sadness, anger or even disappointment. Why even give him the benefit of Sharing your feelings, he doesn’t deserve it. Just cool calm collected. Say “I have found out you are active on a dating site. Do not contact me again.” The end. Something like that. Then do not engage with him further in any way. Classy clear and to the point.

How depressing just when you think youve found a good one, nope there're never satisfied and have to keep looking.
I'd favour telling him last minute before you're due to see him, that you know he matched with a good friend of yours, don't tell him her name, leave him wondering and block.