My friend just screenshot a photo of my boyfriend on a dating site

[Mountaindewstar]

Well well well what an absolute c*t! I hate that word but yep what a c*t!!
In a relationship with a man for 11 months, had the exclusive chat. See each other regularly, relationship seemed good. My friend has just sent me a screenshot of him on a dating site... so at 1st I tried to look at it as positively as can be ...maybe it's an old profile... but no he likes her profile and he has recently been active.

I am so hurt and gutted but I'm happy to say my anger has taken over!!!! We were meant to see each other for the whole weekend this weekend coming all planned, dinner booked, swimming, walks a lunch, cinema... obviously now im not going... any advice on what I should message, I dont feel he is owed the dignified face to face end it... seriously what an absolute bastard!!!
I don't want to be hysterical in my msg , classy would be good but also let him know what I have been shown!
I'm so glad he has never met this friend!! He has no idea who she is ... utter scumbag

Fair play. I think you handled it the best you possibly could have,with your head held high. He will be spinning out and desperate to get his version of events in so I would expect an email/house visit is impending. I would be thinking about how I could head off that possibility because I don't think talking to a liar and hearing more of his lies is going to do anything to advance your healing.

It's OK to be heartbroken but you can recognise at the same time that what you are grieving is the loss of your own hopes and dreams. Given that you know he was not acting with the same integrity you can also recognise that all of that optimism and all of those good loving feelings originated in you and are still yours to deploy to your benefit. I agree that your nan is looking out for you xx

She had to send the message though so he wouldn’t contact friends, family and the police out of not knowing what happened to her.

And she had to block because he is the double life, two faced type who would have wasted her time spinning things around so that he was a victim to be forgiven and pitied in some way. Or made promises to change blah blah. Some people are very manipulative and the only thing to do is to block, rather than working through making sense of their gaslighting.

OP I’m super proud of you for the way you’ve handled this and how you’ve used this thread to process emotions. Ignore some of the more critical responses you get on here, as it’s open to anyone to reply you do end up getting some harsh messages on MN.

I also recently went through something similar with my ex - although we were together 3 years with a baby. I think you’ve handled this in a really classy way. I know how heartbroken you must feel but just remember you have massively dodged a bullet with this absolute loser. I bet he’s not even sorry he did what he did - he’ll just be sorry he got caught!

When it happened to me I also felt my Nan close to me and actually randomly found her ring I had that I’d lost! I do think we have others looking out for us in these situations.

Hope you can get through the pain of the breakup now - I’m struggling too so if you ever need to chat I’m here xx

Have sex with him one last time. Complain that his penis doesnt quite measure up to other guys you have had sex with. Tell him you are not satisfied sexually and ask if he would mind if you saw other men to fill in the physical side of things whilst he dealt with the romantic side.

Well done OP. Obviously your choice but I’d have a break before jumping straight into dating someone else. Easy to say you’re just friends but you both clearly like each other and that makes it harder to not keep seeing him, just being friends will soon become more.

Obviously your choice but being on the rebound isn’t great for this guy, it might have made you feel a bit better but seems a bit unfair dating him to make you feel a bit better about the end of your other relationship. I’d tell him you like him a lot and if you’re both single in a couple of months then hook up again. Right now seems a bit unfair on him - just my own personal view as I think jumping from one relationship to another is never a good thing. Not saying you should be sitting around moping (and I think you’ve handled this amazingly) but I’d give yourself a bit of time so you don’t hurt this other guy. Hope the ex is feeling that bruised ego tonight!

Are you absolutely sure he's the user of the profile though? Fraudsters do this stuff to get money out women.

Odds are it is him but there is a chance that it isn't. The best thing to do would be to cat fish. Arrange to meet and then go and see if its him there. You don't have to go upto him obviously or if you did you just walk In say oh what are you doing here? Lol 😆

Yes, she is absolutely sure it's him.

There is zero chance it isn't.

Exactly.

There is no chance for a reply.

He deserves no chance to reply.

I wonder if he will turn up at your house to explain

Have read the whole thread. Well done OP, though sorry you’ve had to go through this. Be ready should he just turn up, you never know.

Really hope you can have a good cry, get it all out over the next week or two (or however long it takes) and think about setting up date number two with the new friend, just take it slowly.

I hate cheaters too. I have the same experience as you. Get rid. Don't listen to apologies or anything...they willl only be better at hiding cheating next time. Move on. All the best.

I agree to an extent but at the same time there are lots of men out there who love to catch a woman on the rebound and don't care if she's nursing a broken heart. Some have good intentions, some don't.
She's told him she's not in the right head space for anything but friendship so hopefully he listens to that. If he's pushy for more then I'd say he's more 'nice guy' rather than nice guy.

Well done op you have handled this so very perfectly. You are bloody amazing. You have absolutely done the right thing. I think he will fry and turn up at your house today to try and convince you so be prepared for that.

Well done op, you've been amazing. Ignore those judgey fuckers who couldn't even be bothered to rtft.

Op you are amazing!

How are you feeling this morning?

I'm feeling a bit sad but also a sense of relief that it's all over. I struggled to fall asleep initially , however I did get a few hours in the end

Ah, the misogynists out in force again.

That would mean her friend was pretty much insane.

How many insane women (in that way) do you think are in the world, compared to cheating men??

The wrong answer - which you believe (and cheating men will always tell you) - is that there are lots of insane women; and a woman is more likely to be lying or "setting something up" than he is likely to be cheating.

The correct answer - reality - is that cheating is endemic among men, there are millions of cheaters, and in any scenario - the man is more likely to be cheating then a woman being a "jealous", lying, malicious, crazy woman.

You believe the former because, like so many depressing posters on this thread, you are at heart - a misogynist.

You're the same type of people who doubt & disbelieve rape and sex abuse victims, and default to thinking they're lying or crazy; .. ..... instead of realising the reality that sex abuse and rape is also endemic behaviour among men.

Op, do you think you have the truth re how his relationship with the mother of his son (and any other kids if he has them) ended?

I find these divorced/separated Dads are often just circulating trash.

I am worried about him turning up at my door a little, however my son is down from university at the moment for half term week so he will answer the door for me and ask him to leave if this happens

Be kind to yourself and when you're having some down days remember what great things people have said on this thread, you're classy and strong! Keep well

Interesting you say this, he has always said they ended amicably. He has never said a bad word against her and they have a good relationship for thier son. She is now with someone else.
However a few weeks back after a few drinks he was quite drunk and I asked so why did you end up splitting up in the end then? As they had been together 15 years .
He replied that they grew apart, and then he went onto say I just dont know what happened, all of a sudden it was like I couldn't do anything right, everything I did was wrong, she seemed so angry and resentful towards me and I just dont know why, then she told me she had found a place and left. I was devastated. I loved her.
So now what's come to light for me has made me think I reckon she found out he was a lying cheat , kept it to herself and ended it!!!!

Been following OP and just want to echo others in saying you are incredible! I think back to times when I have had to deal with shitty men and only wish I was as classy as you! Please be kind to yourself in the coming days and keep strong xx

This is amazing advice. Be angry, but also talk. He sounds ignorant and will ruin his own life probably but maybe you can get him to think rather than just react. And you will have stood up for yourself rather than just go off in a huff.

It's very possible.

The worst thing about situations like this is the women who are very dignified and who put their kids interests first often try to stay discrete.

But that just means the next woman/women never find out very pertinent facts about their new bf.

(And the new woman often has no friends in common or anyone who can tell her what happened).

It's so clear from this forum that so many divorced and separated men are circulating trash who are cheaters, sex worker users addicts, abusive etc etc. The circulation can take years because the woman doesn't find out or when she finds out, feels stuck for one reason or another. That obscures what they are.

Re what he said, I find cheaters often play dumb about the reasons for their ex's disallusionment with them/attitude towards them..Sometimes they even claim their ex was the cheater.

It's shit advice. It's not the OPs job to train this man in how to be a decent human being by "making him think". Have you ever met a cheater or tried to have a conversation with one? He'll learn nothing from being told off by OP, and talking to him just gives him a chance to make up a bunch of lame excuses as to why he's a twat.

She's not going away in a huff, she's ending the relationship and protecting her feelings. Can people stop acting like she fucking owes him a conversation for some reason?