My friend just screenshot a photo of my boyfriend on a dating site

[Mountaindewstar]

Well well well what an absolute c*t! I hate that word but yep what a c*t!!
In a relationship with a man for 11 months, had the exclusive chat. See each other regularly, relationship seemed good. My friend has just sent me a screenshot of him on a dating site... so at 1st I tried to look at it as positively as can be ...maybe it's an old profile... but no he likes her profile and he has recently been active.

I am so hurt and gutted but I'm happy to say my anger has taken over!!!! We were meant to see each other for the whole weekend this weekend coming all planned, dinner booked, swimming, walks a lunch, cinema... obviously now im not going... any advice on what I should message, I dont feel he is owed the dignified face to face end it... seriously what an absolute bastard!!!
I don't want to be hysterical in my msg , classy would be good but also let him know what I have been shown!
I'm so glad he has never met this friend!! He has no idea who she is ... utter scumbag

Following for update…!!

I’m sorry you are going through this. I would probably stand him up and block and let him figure it out. I think there is a massive issue with the dating app culture. I have experienced a guy backing off but not ending it and liking others/dating. Because for men sex seems to come before everything. Or he has you to do the normal stuff with but likes the chase. Who knows. Whatever it is he isn’t a decent person and you clearly deserve better.

I should clarify "it", being the poor, immoral behaviour of men, is obviously not any woman's fault - but if women are misogynistic handmaidens ... in their own relationship or when advising other women; then they are absolutely facilitating that behaviour.

If it were me I'd want to hear what he has to say for himself. For closure. Then I'd walk away. No need for games. But we're all different and it's whatever makes you comfortable. I feel your pain. I've been there and it hurts like hell. But you will get over it and you will be stronger. The sad thing is that it makes it harder to trust the next one.

Think you’ve missed my point. Women are being misogynistic on this thread so there’s no contradiction at all.

Im referring to the women who make excuses for men’s poor behaviour by laying the blame at other women’s feet

I always remember a thread on here when an op's h/p received a letter from an "ex" cathartically telling him what she thought of him and his behaviour towards her. It seemed from the letter he'd had sex with her since their original relationship.

He said "what is wrong with some people" and trashed the letter. The op searched for it and read the contents, and started a thread about her concerns.

That women (the letter writer) was called every slur under the sun by posters on here. All the old favourites for women who d been exploited & abused by men but are somehow "unstable", "malicious", "fantasist", "mentally ill", need I go on.

People were particularly focused on her "lying" because she said he was sexually coercive/exploitative during their previous youthful relationship, therefore why would she touch him again. ..... As if that couldn't happen. As if it was not possible that she didn't put everything together about him until after the second rodeo.

And guess what; as I would have suspected from the start of the thread, it transpired that the op's h (who eventually admitted it after the op got full details from the letter writer) had in fact had an emotional affair and then a physical one (though I think he "only" fucked her a couple of times) this woman and then dumped her.

There are many many more cheating men in the world than fantasist, 'jealous", home wrecking women.

But given how many MNers (who are usually more switched on than the average person) still give the man the benefit of the doubt, and jump to suspicion & doubt and projecting all sorts of nasty, pathetic motivations (based on how they think) onto the woman, no wonder life us made so easy for such men.

I haven't missed your point.

Women are not responsible for men's shit behaviour.

Handmaiden misogynists are responsible for facilitating their shit behaviour, however.

So you’re agreeing with me whilst calling me out as being contradictory?

Om then we’ll agree to disagree despite agreeing

This is perfect.

I felt that saying it's misogynist to make women responsible for men's behaviour - ignored the fact that some women are misogynists. That's what I thought was somewhat contradictory.

As illustrated by a few posters in this thread, who are determined to focus on the op's friend and misrepresent the contact she's had with op's "bf", and cast aspersions on her motivations.
One has even suggested the friend's behaviour in this scenario is directly comparable to flirting with the op's bf, and then maliciously reporting his response to her. She has also interpreted the friends probable camaraderie, moral support and indignation & anger on her friend's behalf; as schadenfreude and manipulation.

That is one 24 carat misogynist.

This sort of poster always says "talk to your husband/boyfriend!" .... Like cheaters never lie, even though lying is a fundamental behaviour & character trait in cheaters.

I'd stand him up/block him. Then get your friend to message him via the app after the time you were due to meet saying

"Fancy a drink tonight? I hear your plans have unexpectedly fallen through and you might need a shoulder to cry on?"

I felt that saying it's misogynist to make women responsible for men's behaviour - ignored the fact that some women are misogynists.

I didn’t ignore that - I made no reference to the sex of the misogynists - both sexes have the capacity to blame women

But you were responding to my post re. handmaidens.

I cant be bothered to find the person that said it , however just to clarify , my friend is not enjoying this or taking pleasure in messaging him. She initially didnt want to message him back after he messaged her first. I asked her to as I needed to know it was him and to see what he would say for my own closure.
Also I'm not dragging it on for drama as someone said. I am planning on standing him up tonight, leave him wondering and waiting, then after a couple of hours I will msg him saying that I no longer want to be in a relationship with him, ignore and block. So what if standing him up is a little like playing a game? Seriously so what? He has wasted my time for months , he has consistently said we are exclusive, he was actually the one that bought up wanting to be exclusive months ago. He has always said he feels messaging others when your in a relationship is cheating ( his words) so he knows exactly what he is doing is wrong!
I think out of all of the things I can do to him, standing him up is quite tame.
It's over for me. No going back.
Yes my friend and I had some silly suggestions, we have had a giggle at his expense a bit , that's where she has found the enjoyment not from him messaging her, she pretty much hates the guy and finds him revolting, she has even said hes not that attractive and always thought I can do better. Shes been a good friend. Let's stop blaming women for mens bad behaviour and also let's stop victim blaming , some of the comments have been.. well you weren't in a committed relationship.... well yes actually we were , supposed to be ! Saying your exclusive, seeing each other regularly, talking daily, meeting each others family and friends, making plans for the future, it's all part of a committed relationship. It wasnt like he was a fling or fwb. Obviously now things have come to light about who he really is , I know it was all a lie and a con, however I didnt know any of that before , I'm just grateful it was my friend he has been messaging , or I would still be living in fantasy land 😳

Everyone was right op, you are far above him - in every way.

We’re obviously talking at cross purposes so let’s leave it.

I thought my point was clear and a well known phrase but oh well.

The OP got it that’s the main thing

Thank you xx

Haha this is good!

If it were me, I would let him know precisely why he's being dumped and send him the screenshot as proof. Then if you get any flying monkeys contact you about it you can straight up let them know why.

Otherwise he's going to turn it into a 'poor me, look how she's treated me, dumped for no reason' kind of thing.

Also like this!

I hope you just don't turn up and block him. Let him wonder. He doesn't deserve an explanation.

It may let off steam to think of acts of revenge but I still think short, final, direct and classy is the way to go. “I found out about your lying. Do not contact me again” (he won’t) or some such. Ghosting is not ideal, though you owe him nothing; it may cause him to turn up at your home to find out what is happening, causing more aggravation and drama.

That's a funny twist 😆

@Mountaindewstar I know it's now about how to dump rather than if, I think I'd stand him up and later message to say unfortunately you're not the kind of man I thought you were/am looking for in a relationship/need in my life and then refuse to be drawn any further.

Am undecided whether to block him or only read any responses when you're offline and keep ignoring.

I do think it's more satisfactory for you not to let him know the whys and hows, quite infuriating for him not to be able to fathom it, or bluster his way out with excuses. You're not for me is something he can't argue with, or put a spin on.

Good post @Mountaindewstar I think your plan sounds dignified. No point trying to alter what you want to do in case he does a b or c. He's now irrelevant.

Screenshot his conversations on the dating app too!