My friend just screenshot a photo of my boyfriend on a dating site

[Mountaindewstar]

Well well well what an absolute c*t! I hate that word but yep what a c*t!!
In a relationship with a man for 11 months, had the exclusive chat. See each other regularly, relationship seemed good. My friend has just sent me a screenshot of him on a dating site... so at 1st I tried to look at it as positively as can be ...maybe it's an old profile... but no he likes her profile and he has recently been active.

I am so hurt and gutted but I'm happy to say my anger has taken over!!!! We were meant to see each other for the whole weekend this weekend coming all planned, dinner booked, swimming, walks a lunch, cinema... obviously now im not going... any advice on what I should message, I dont feel he is owed the dignified face to face end it... seriously what an absolute bastard!!!
I don't want to be hysterical in my msg , classy would be good but also let him know what I have been shown!
I'm so glad he has never met this friend!! He has no idea who she is ... utter scumbag

Is be tempted to message him via the dating website

"Have a good weekend" at the exact moment you should be meeting him!

Oh fuck, another one.

No wonder men find it so easy to serially cheat on women.

I think it's great that you have a wonderful friend that you can laugh and cry about it with, and throwing round the hashtag and message ideas is a perfect way to deal with this when you are hurting. But as for actually dealing with the sad little wank stain, less is more. Just ghost him. He isn't worth any words or posts or pictures. He is nothing, so give him that.

Come on OP. This is teenage stuff. Get off the computer with your friend.

End it. Stop with this drama.

Sorry, I know this is a late response.

But it's not about whether he "deserves" a mature chat. It's about the OP's standards, and how she thinks people should interact, which is tested really only in adversity.

Actually talking is not synonymous with weakness, nor with susceptibility to being talked round.

So whereas I think the whole idea of what "dignity" means when you have been betrayed can become oppressive; I also think there needs to be an element of "do as you would be done to" - not for the other person's sake but for yours. Who are you? Do what's true to you, and what you think there should be more of in the world.

I think not turning up and blocking him is the most effective way of dealing with it. And you keep your dignity.

@OliviaBean exactly. I feel sorry for the OP but multiple people have said to just block and move on and that doesn't appear to be happening... think I better unfollow the thread

I disagree with a lot of posters saying just block him with no explanation, and it'll have him questioning forever. I think it gives him cart blanche to paint OP however he wants probably as "that crazy girl who suddenly ghosted me after nearly a year"

I also don't think there needs to be some elaborate reveal either though – I think either send the screen shot, or a simple message saying that you know what he’s been up to, then block. At least there’s a chance he might think he messed up!

Sorry, I think this is a load of sanctimonious bollocks. It's just #bekind when the guy has been anything but. Why do women always have this expectation that we've got to set a good example?

Ghosting someone and giving them silence is a completely fair and dignified response to being treated so poorly. It's the best way to hold your power. Because with men like this, anything you give them will be used to build a story about you and what a crazy bitch you are.

No, I hate the #bekind movement, and reject the idea that the very act of talking to someone means that you are being kind.

I would give same advice to men. Who are you? What do you think is right? Even in times of anger and betrayal, what is the fair way to treat someone - because the choice you make should reflect your own standards.

It is not sanctimonious to point out that it is worth reflecting on what your choices mean for you, nor how you put your standards in to action.

But it is very wrong to assume that the upshot of asking those questions of yourself will result in the cloying fakeness of #bekind

Sorry, I think this is a load of sanctimonious bollocks. It's just #bekind when the guy has been anything but. Why do women always have this expectation that we've got to set a good example?

Indeed. And set a good example to who, precisely? Not men is it?

Turn the feeling into one of relief that you didn't make serious financial commitments together like buying a house, or running a business together. Imagine having to extricate yourself fromnthat complexity, knowing what a b@#%d he is.

He's shown you the idiot that he is, his loss, his cock-up.

Remember the first rule of misogyny- everything men do is always a woman’s fault

Ghosting someone and giving them silence is a completely fair and dignified response to being treated so poorly.

Ghosting has its place and in this context yes, it's the appropriate response to keep self-respect intact. Revenge is a dish best served cold = zero engagement / radio silence / meh, is a good weapon to use. Don't complain don't explain.

Acts of vengeance such as deliberately "spoiling his weekend", catfishing him, setting up multiple profiles, that's really dumb and will only have a temporary effect.

Do as you would be done to... Well, he didn't have any kind of chat with her about his seeking new companionship. I think that negates putting his feelings first and having a conversation she may not wish to have. I take your point in general (about upholding ones own standards) but if there has been betrayal and the other party knows the reason (even if they aren't aware it has been discovered) then any 'mature conversation' is just party manners as the betrayer has already checked out without doing the decent thing. Would OP be the bigger person for drawing a line? Depends how you see things. I honestly don't think it's owed and usual decency has, as I say been negated.

As mentioned previously I stand by letting the guy know the screenshots have been received simply as I think he deserves the discomfort. But if the OP doesn't feel like making contact, she absolutely hasn't been untrue to herself.

Keep it simple and dignified. Don’t let him have anything he can use against you. All this chicksb4dicks stuff makes you sound about 12.

I would messsge him now ‘Hey, you know my friend Sarah from a work? You must have heard me talk about her? Wait for his reply. Then type ‘Well the funny thing is, you’ve been messaging her on Tinder.’ Attach the screen shot of the messages.

Wait ten minutes regardless of whether he replies or not with a ‘Goodbye Mark’. And walk away and move on.

@Mountaindewstar if this is truly him
then I’d want him to know you know he liked your friend’s profile/has been chatting with her and that’s why it’s over. But, as an outsider looking in, a tiny part of me wonders whether there is the remotest chance your friend is trying to split you up - is it a long-term friend? If a good friend, it would be very unlikely of course but you said she hasn’t met him yet, could she possibly feel she’s seeing less of you (presumably she is looking for someone herself if on sites)? Is it worth setting up your own fake profile and doing some detective work on the quiet? The most likely scenario is he is a cheat and she is being a good friend but - I’d have to do my own checking before I ended it.

The fair way to treat this guy is with silence. Fair to him, and fair to the OP, who right now needs boundaries and protection way more than she needs to be kind and setting a good example for the guy who just fucked her over.

All this "who are you" stuff just sounds like you've been doing too much yoga.

Women don't need to be navel gazing about whether we are good enough people when someone has just treated us like shit they stepped in.

He may have had someone use his pictures - pretend to be him - etc - it happens BUT playing all the angles - having a g/f and still lining up dates happens much, much more. I think even if you found out now that he wasn't the one messaging your friend - the relationship is fundamentally damaged and that suspicion would be there.

I also think that he would be very, very unlucky to only try and chat up one other person who turns out to be someone you work with so I suspect this will be the tip of the iceberg.

I would keep up the pretence and then not turn up. When he texts to see where you are - I would reply - I do not date liars - we're done and leave it at that. I wouldn't reveal the whole friend/app scenario - let him wonder what exactly tripped him up. I would ignore any further messages.

Hes lied about his job in the same profession but made out it's a much better higher level job so still the same kind of thing, just at a managerial level

I so much want you to send him the screenshot so he knows he's been caught out. What a sleaze.

If they always give men the benefit of the doubt while always suspecting and denigrating women, it is.

That is misogyny in itself.

And women can most definitely be misogynists. As illustrated by some in this thread.

So your statement is actually contradictory.

Same here!

I would message him and say its over, you are too serious and invested, I only want some fun.

That poster has some very weird attitudes towards women and doesn't deserve a response.

Anyway ....he's just all round pathetic, isn't he.

A cheater and a liar/fantasist who gives himself a better job.