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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My friend just screenshot a photo of my boyfriend on a dating site

987 replies

Mountaindewstar · 22/05/2024 22:17

Well well well what an absolute c*t! I hate that word but yep what a c*t!!
In a relationship with a man for 11 months, had the exclusive chat. See each other regularly, relationship seemed good. My friend has just sent me a screenshot of him on a dating site... so at 1st I tried to look at it as positively as can be ...maybe it's an old profile... but no he likes her profile and he has recently been active.

I am so hurt and gutted but I'm happy to say my anger has taken over!!!! We were meant to see each other for the whole weekend this weekend coming all planned, dinner booked, swimming, walks a lunch, cinema... obviously now im not going... any advice on what I should message, I dont feel he is owed the dignified face to face end it... seriously what an absolute bastard!!!
I don't want to be hysterical in my msg , classy would be good but also let him know what I have been shown!
I'm so glad he has never met this friend!! He has no idea who she is ... utter scumbag

OP posts:
sugarrosepetal · 23/05/2024 21:13

You should check out the "are we dating the same guy" Facebook groups OP. If he's been chatting to anyone else, the women will say.

Makesmilingyourbesthobby · 23/05/2024 21:21

Me personally I think I'd leave him on read for an hour or so he prob try ringing or messaging more ignore then nessage back not mentioning anything just 'sorry this isn't working out im just not into you we over' short and sweet wouldnt let him know we was finishing due to his awful behaviour id rather him think i hardly liked him if he was to respond with why or can we talk or annoyed your just texting him this then and only then would I send the screenshot and no words and nope I wouldn't block I'd just ignore any further communication

MercyDulb0ttle · 23/05/2024 21:33

flyinghen · 23/05/2024 18:48

This is the winner

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It’s really not. It’s lame.

Otherstories2002 · 23/05/2024 21:37

MercyDulb0ttle · 23/05/2024 21:33

It’s really not. It’s lame.

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It really is.

Otherstories2002 · 23/05/2024 21:38

MercyDulb0ttle · 23/05/2024 21:33

It’s really not. It’s lame.

Show quote history

To clarify it’s really lame!

Owenisland244 · 23/05/2024 21:50

mumedu · 23/05/2024 20:57

No, you need closure. Don't do this to yourself. Have a conversation, but don't be swayed by his bs.

Show quote history

What do you think will be said in this conversation?

What can he say that would make any difference?

It's pointless.

Owenisland244 · 23/05/2024 21:55

Dunnoburt · 23/05/2024 20:46

Tell him you have crabs.......

I once heard a West African radio show in which the host called an ow (the wife had called in for help re. her H and a woman (that she knew, I think she worked with him) having an affair. (Both were gas lighting her that they weren't)....... and told her that he was HIV positive. (He wasn't).

The station would have been shut down immediately here. Well, they wouldn't have done it in the first place cause they'd know they would be shut down.

Anyway it was effective ...the other woman went from being confident and disengenuous to repeating "Oh my god" in a shitting herself tone upwards of 200 times in a row. I can't even remember if they told her it wasn't true by the end of the call.

Josette77 · 23/05/2024 21:59

Op you are awesome. You got this. I'm so impressed by your reactions.

That man was punching miles above his weight.

Ilovecleaning · 23/05/2024 22:03

Mountaindewstar · 22/05/2024 23:27

I just wish this punched in the stomach feeling would go away 😭

🌺

BarbaraWoodlouse1 · 23/05/2024 22:07

I’d text and say you’ve won 20k on a scratch card but not to say anything to anyone. You’re gonna buy him a car because you love him so much and book a holiday in Jamaica then in a couple of days say you’re gonna find someone else to go on hols with and send the screenshot. Let him think he’s won a car and a holiday first! Sorry he’s done that to you. Don’t take it personally. He’s insecure looking for ego strokes. Not a reflection on you. x

NotAgainWilson · 23/05/2024 22:12

OP, you are assuming he will be upset if you dump him, or that he would be embarrassed if he received that screenshot but it may well be the case that he has been seeing other women and that it may be that you were not even the “main” one.

Don’t stroke his ego by showing him your annoyance, just show him that he is not important enough by ghosting him.

Disappear into thin air and leave him wondering, he is not worth any closure or explanation. He may not even seek one if he us busy chatting other women up anyway.

Ilovecleaning · 23/05/2024 22:13

I am glad for you that your friend exposed him. It’s hard but be level- headed, controlled and dignified.
Don’t give him anything to show his friends or boost his ego that you are so upset . Don’t be tempted to text anything sarcastic or angry.
Send him the screenshot with a message saying ‘I am blocking you now and deleting your number.’

Owenisland244 · 23/05/2024 22:24

BarbaraWoodlouse1 · 23/05/2024 22:07

I’d text and say you’ve won 20k on a scratch card but not to say anything to anyone. You’re gonna buy him a car because you love him so much and book a holiday in Jamaica then in a couple of days say you’re gonna find someone else to go on hols with and send the screenshot. Let him think he’s won a car and a holiday first! Sorry he’s done that to you. Don’t take it personally. He’s insecure looking for ego strokes. Not a reflection on you. x

Fk, you are a little bit evil, aren't you - love it lol

Abi86 · 23/05/2024 22:27

The most psychologically damaging response to your BF would be to just block him (on everything). He’ll go through confusion, uncertainty, doubt, guilt, anxiety, panic even.

Owenisland244 · 23/05/2024 22:54

Abi86 · 23/05/2024 22:27

The most psychologically damaging response to your BF would be to just block him (on everything). He’ll go through confusion, uncertainty, doubt, guilt, anxiety, panic even.

Maybe, but a man who's trying to run 2 or more women.at the same time is not exactly the sensitive, deep type.
He could be quite stoical.

He must be aware of the possibility that, if he uses photos, he could be identified by someone op knows.

That's why so.many of them use far away photos or group photos for their dating profile.

Owenisland244 · 23/05/2024 22:55

I do agree that ghosting is the best approach though.

Not worth speaking to him.

yesyno · 23/05/2024 22:55

Abi86 · 23/05/2024 22:27

The most psychologically damaging response to your BF would be to just block him (on everything). He’ll go through confusion, uncertainty, doubt, guilt, anxiety, panic even.

I agree

Brats4kid · 23/05/2024 23:13

I hope you are ok?

abbey44 · 23/05/2024 23:13

Louise303 · 23/05/2024 20:45

I would not let him know that you have found out about the dating site or let him know that you are annoyed. End it with a call or text telling him you have been seeing someone else. Either that or tell him he is not very good in the bedroom anything that will hurt him. He is a sneaky pig thinking he can get away with it being dumped out of the blue will shock him.

Don’t do this - you’re only handing him the narrative he’ll use to paint you as the flaky one, the psycho ex. Keep it short and with as much indifference as you can muster (even if you have to fake it). Indifference really does cut the deepest in these situations, trust me.

Original poster
Mountaindewstar · 23/05/2024 23:30

Quick update for those of you that are invested...
He took it a step further this evening and started messaging my friend
He asked her what she was looking for which she responded what are you looking for ? And he said fun.
He then lied about his job
So hes now gone a little quiet
What weve decided to do now he has gone this step further is go for drinks tomorrow evening post our selfie on facebook hugging and tag #chicks b4 dicks
Then block him both of us together

OP posts:
Original poster
Mountaindewstar · 23/05/2024 23:32

Oh and also send a screenshot of our post on what's app make sure hes seen it b4 blocking. His family and friends are on my fb account so there will be no chance for him to lie about why we broke up

OP posts:
BeanBeliever · 23/05/2024 23:34

NRFT @Mountaindewstar but have read your updates

obvously if he’s messing around dump him, BUT I would suggest you talk to him first to see what he says (& if he says he’s not on the sites ask to see his phone)

Reason I say this: I met someone online (not bumble) not long ago, went exclusive, deleted profiles etc

Meanwhile signed up to a free profile on bumble down at the pub one evening to look at the matches one of the other girls I was with was getting (not realising that creates a publicly visible profile etc). A friend screenshotted my profile and sent it to me a couple of weeks later - I was horrified and worried new BF would dump me!

Make sure it’s not a mistake/old profile etc: catfish him if need be, but be aware that dating sites keep pls profiles up forever and make them look active (I know as mine have been v hard to delete)

Once trust has gone it’s over, BUT 11 months is worth a conversation

Original poster
Mountaindewstar · 23/05/2024 23:34

Also throughout the night he has msg me asking me to go to a family get together this week , a family christening... bizarre, he has also said he cant wait to see me this weekend and how he has missed me so much...

OP posts:
Original poster
Mountaindewstar · 23/05/2024 23:36

BeanBeliever · 23/05/2024 23:34

NRFT @Mountaindewstar but have read your updates

obvously if he’s messing around dump him, BUT I would suggest you talk to him first to see what he says (& if he says he’s not on the sites ask to see his phone)

Reason I say this: I met someone online (not bumble) not long ago, went exclusive, deleted profiles etc

Meanwhile signed up to a free profile on bumble down at the pub one evening to look at the matches one of the other girls I was with was getting (not realising that creates a publicly visible profile etc). A friend screenshotted my profile and sent it to me a couple of weeks later - I was horrified and worried new BF would dump me!

Make sure it’s not a mistake/old profile etc: catfish him if need be, but be aware that dating sites keep pls profiles up forever and make them look active (I know as mine have been v hard to delete)

Once trust has gone it’s over, BUT 11 months is worth a conversation

Yes thank you for this, so he has told her he has a son and this is true he also has said the town he lives in which is also true so I'm pretty sure its him

OP posts:
sugarrosepetal · 23/05/2024 23:39

What a scumbag. I admire your strength OP