Page 12 | What went wrong with men and what they see a relationship as?

EBearhug · 24/05/2024 14:23

HappyAndSunnyForNow · 24/05/2024 13:58

Yep, thought so.

And what it comes to women in relationship/married and dreaming about being single, it’s easier to dream that when you do have companion and someone who loves you.
It’s very unlikely they know what it’s like to actually be on your own for long time.
How other’s treat you, how lonely it is, no security, talking to a toaster because there’s no one else there, dealing woth being aick alone, no kne cares about you….etc.

And what all that does to one’s well being.

And add to that, mussing out kids / grandkids of course.

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I don't talk to the toaster. I'm not usually lonely- I go out, I have friends. Plenty of people are lonely in relationships, and having a partner or children is no guarantee there's someone to look after you when you're ill. You don't have to read many threads in MN to know that. I've never lived with anyone, nor been married, nor had kids. I'd have liked more sex, but I have done other things I probably wouldn't have if I'd been in a relationship. There have been times I've wondered what makes me different from other people, but I've had it easier than friends who were in violent marriages, still have to deal with the ex for maintenance and so on. It's not all bad.

chocolatecoveredpeanut · 24/05/2024 14:28

HappyAndSunnyForNow · 24/05/2024 13:58

Yep, thought so.

And what it comes to women in relationship/married and dreaming about being single, it’s easier to dream that when you do have companion and someone who loves you.
It’s very unlikely they know what it’s like to actually be on your own for long time.
How other’s treat you, how lonely it is, no security, talking to a toaster because there’s no one else there, dealing woth being aick alone, no kne cares about you….etc.

And what all that does to one’s well being.

And add to that, mussing out kids / grandkids of course.

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I've been alone for 13 years, minus 1 year with the ex.

I can categorically state it is very much easier being alone than being ill with someone who doesn't care or make effort. I was very ill with severe anemia with him - when we were ending he made a jibe about spending too much time in bed. I had also had an eptopic pregnancy and had to go through hospital and surgery completely alone. He was not sympathetic and quickly forgot what I had been through. When I booked a holiday afterwards he told me he didn't want to come, didn't want to do the activities I had booked. Then moaned at me for going without him! Stonewalled me for weeks. You couldn't make it up. In 12 months I realised I never ever want, certainly don't need, that in my life.

JenniferBooth · 24/05/2024 19:53

Whiteglasshouse · 23/05/2024 08:16

Oh I understand now. I found your first post somewhat pathetic and a bit sad, because you seemed to have been brainwashed into valuing commercialized superficial crap like expensive skin care and makeup and thought that made you more womanly than those with kids.

Now I see it’s about you actually preening yourself psychologically and thinking you are superior and somehow ‘winning’ over the poor dowdy woman with kids who H is shagging you, because you are superior because Skincare! And Lip crap!

Now I find your posts not somewhat pathetic but totally pathetic and really, really sad that you actually think you are winning because this pathetic lying man shags you. And your self esteem is actually tied up in that?

I never normally criticize OW, as I think responsibility lies firmly with the H. But your personality is like a bad parody of the Stereotyped psychology of OW.

Jesus, it’s genuinely pitiable.

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You have made a complete fool of yourself, My marriage has been sexless for 28 years. Im not the OW FFS. I have OM who is single SINGLE. He hasnnt been married since 1990. DH knows because i spend one to two nights a week away. I was almost 19 and DH was 42 in 1992 when we started dating. But anything physical stopped when i was in my early 20s.

REMINDER a pp said earlier in the thread that men like to be desired. Well guess what so do women.

JenniferBooth · 24/05/2024 19:54

So basically your post has made you look.............well a bit insane

JenniferBooth · 24/05/2024 19:58

So unless ive time travelled back to 1990 im not the OW neither is my OM a pathetic lying man I await your apology

BarshMarton · 24/05/2024 22:48

HappyAndSunnyForNow · 24/05/2024 13:58

Yep, thought so.

And what it comes to women in relationship/married and dreaming about being single, it’s easier to dream that when you do have companion and someone who loves you.
It’s very unlikely they know what it’s like to actually be on your own for long time.
How other’s treat you, how lonely it is, no security, talking to a toaster because there’s no one else there, dealing woth being aick alone, no kne cares about you….etc.

And what all that does to one’s well being.

And add to that, mussing out kids / grandkids of course.

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How other’s treat you, how lonely it is, no security, talking to a toaster because there’s no one else there, dealing woth being aick alone, no kne cares about you….etc.

I simply don't recognise your picture of being alone at all. All the women I know who have chosen to forgo relationships going forward are the most genuinely happy and content I know. They have an extensive network of friends, and often adult children and grandchildren. They lead very full, contented lives. My own mother lived alone out of choice for the last ten years of her life, and they were undoubtedly her happiest.

JenniferBooth · 24/05/2024 22:53

And OM is like me .......child free. Sorry its taken so long to add this but ive literally been getting TWO SECONDS internet every HOUR thanks to those useless cunts BT

shuggles · 25/05/2024 00:40

Why do some men not want a healthy reciprocal loving relationship characterised by respect for each other, equality and having each others' backs? Why do they waste energy on controlling, bullying, gaslighting and abusive behaviour?

The more pertinent question is why people choose to have relationships with a tiny minority of people who control, bully, gaslight, and are abusive.

Garlicked · 25/05/2024 02:23

shuggles · 25/05/2024 00:40

Why do some men not want a healthy reciprocal loving relationship characterised by respect for each other, equality and having each others' backs? Why do they waste energy on controlling, bullying, gaslighting and abusive behaviour?

The more pertinent question is why people choose to have relationships with a tiny minority of people who control, bully, gaslight, and are abusive.

Oh, mate, it's not a tiny minority.

I'd like to think it's a (large) minority but, actually, I suspect it's at least half and possibly more.

queenmeadhbh · 25/05/2024 06:03

shuggles · 25/05/2024 00:40

Why do some men not want a healthy reciprocal loving relationship characterised by respect for each other, equality and having each others' backs? Why do they waste energy on controlling, bullying, gaslighting and abusive behaviour?

The more pertinent question is why people choose to have relationships with a tiny minority of people who control, bully, gaslight, and are abusive.

on what basis do you state that it is a minority?

zigzagzigzagz · 25/05/2024 08:43

@chocolatecoveredpeanut
Sorry you went through that. I’ve seen several male partners be completely immune to their wife/girlfriend’s suffering and was horrified. I’ve had people pity me for being single but tbh I would find that indifference harder to deal with.

Saratoga212 · 25/05/2024 08:56

I was almost 19 and DH was 42 in 1992 when we started dating

Sounds very well adjusted and healthy.

Why didn't your family try to help move you past/out of that "relationship"? Neither myself or my h would rest until we'd tried to extricate our DD from a situation like that.

Original poster

JaneFrances · 25/05/2024 10:24

JenniferBooth · 24/05/2024 19:53

You have made a complete fool of yourself, My marriage has been sexless for 28 years. Im not the OW FFS. I have OM who is single SINGLE. He hasnnt been married since 1990. DH knows because i spend one to two nights a week away. I was almost 19 and DH was 42 in 1992 when we started dating. But anything physical stopped when i was in my early 20s.

REMINDER a pp said earlier in the thread that men like to be desired. Well guess what so do women.

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Why haven't you divorced @JenniferBooth ?

OP posts:

JenniferBooth · 25/05/2024 14:15

I dont want to make this thread all about me but i think i DO deserve an apology from the poster who has performed the biggest case of projection ive ever seen and called me an OW when ive been nothing of the sort. I would never go near a married man with kids. Im child free by choice for a start and wouldnt want to be a stepmum. How on earth that poster assumed my OM is married when she doesnt even know who we are is so gob smacking i dont know where to start

Original poster

JaneFrances · 25/05/2024 16:24

JenniferBooth · 25/05/2024 14:15

I dont want to make this thread all about me but i think i DO deserve an apology from the poster who has performed the biggest case of projection ive ever seen and called me an OW when ive been nothing of the sort. I would never go near a married man with kids. Im child free by choice for a start and wouldnt want to be a stepmum. How on earth that poster assumed my OM is married when she doesnt even know who we are is so gob smacking i dont know where to start

I don't understand why you don't leave your husband and get together with this guy permanently.

OP posts:

shuggles · 25/05/2024 16:56

queenmeadhbh · 25/05/2024 06:03

on what basis do you state that it is a minority?

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You're being silly. Of course it's a tiny minority. Almost all of the women I knew in school are now married, and have been in relationships that have lasted 10 or 20 years. Given the vast numbers of single men that are very easy to find, there would be absolutely no reason to stay in those relationships if their partners were abusive. In many cases, I also know their husbands from school, and virtually none of them are horrible or abusive.

queenmeadhbh · 25/05/2024 21:43

shuggles · 25/05/2024 16:56

You're being silly. Of course it's a tiny minority. Almost all of the women I knew in school are now married, and have been in relationships that have lasted 10 or 20 years. Given the vast numbers of single men that are very easy to find, there would be absolutely no reason to stay in those relationships if their partners were abusive. In many cases, I also know their husbands from school, and virtually none of them are horrible or abusive.

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I don’t think it’s silly to ask why you think you can extrapolate up from what you believe to know about the husbands of the women you went to school with.

Add to the fact that 1) women stay in abusive relationships often, and the reason is not “I can’t find another man” and 2) you could not possibly know if a woman’s husband abuses her or not just because you don’t think he’s horrible. Have you never read the inevitable outpouring when a man murders his wife? “But he was a pillar of the community and everyone loved him”.

i don’t know what proportion of men are abusive to their female partners but I’m not arrogant enough to presume it’s a tiny minority based on my own preconceptions.

queenmeadhbh · 25/05/2024 21:45

JenniferBooth · 25/05/2024 14:15

I dont want to make this thread all about me but i think i DO deserve an apology from the poster who has performed the biggest case of projection ive ever seen and called me an OW when ive been nothing of the sort. I would never go near a married man with kids. Im child free by choice for a start and wouldnt want to be a stepmum. How on earth that poster assumed my OM is married when she doesnt even know who we are is so gob smacking i dont know where to start

you know I’ve never heard anyone claim they were entitled to an apology for an insult who wasn’t a complete self important prick.

JenniferBooth · 25/05/2024 22:16

@queenmeadhbh i was accused of being an OW when i am nothing of the sort. But you are right of course women are allowed to come on here and accuse and call other women all sorts of names. Its just the men who arent allowed to do that . My bad!!!!!

JenniferBooth · 25/05/2024 22:18

Must be the week for it as Ruth Langsford has also been accused of being an OW when she did nothing of the sort

shuggles · 25/05/2024 22:54

@queenmeadhbh

Add to the fact that 1) women stay in abusive relationships often, and the reason is not “I can’t find another man” and 2) you could not possibly know if a woman’s husband abuses her or not just because you don’t think he’s horrible. Have you never read the inevitable outpouring when a man murders his wife? “But he was a pillar of the community and everyone loved him”.

You sound like the type of person who watches a lot of TV and thinks it's real life.

queenmeadhbh · 26/05/2024 07:05

shuggles · 25/05/2024 22:54

@queenmeadhbh

Add to the fact that 1) women stay in abusive relationships often, and the reason is not “I can’t find another man” and 2) you could not possibly know if a woman’s husband abuses her or not just because you don’t think he’s horrible. Have you never read the inevitable outpouring when a man murders his wife? “But he was a pillar of the community and everyone loved him”.

You sound like the type of person who watches a lot of TV and thinks it's real life.

Nope. Hardly watch any tv. Just use my eyes, ears and brains.

queenmeadhbh · 26/05/2024 07:06

JenniferBooth · 25/05/2024 22:16

@queenmeadhbh i was accused of being an OW when i am nothing of the sort. But you are right of course women are allowed to come on here and accuse and call other women all sorts of names. Its just the men who arent allowed to do that . My bad!!!!!

How fluffed up is your ego that you go on a multi post rant because someone called you something online. So what if they misunderstood and thought you were having an affair with a married man? Why parade around demanding an apology?

Tillievanilly · 26/05/2024 10:22

From speaking to while dating single men that are normal I would say they have realised they can live independently without the hassle. They casually date, have their children part time, enjoy their social life. They don’t want give it up.
The game player toxic types don’t know what normal is and in my experience want the upper hand. Better job/life than the woman. They see themselves as better.
Often it’s the needy types wanting a relationship and try to move in within 6 months.
As a woman I quite like dating and not having a man to live with me and cause me hassle! I hope the right guy appears in time but I’m not rushing into something that may not be right.

0sm0nthus · 26/05/2024 12:16

queenmeadhbh · 25/05/2024 21:43

I don’t think it’s silly to ask why you think you can extrapolate up from what you believe to know about the husbands of the women you went to school with.

Add to the fact that 1) women stay in abusive relationships often, and the reason is not “I can’t find another man” and 2) you could not possibly know if a woman’s husband abuses her or not just because you don’t think he’s horrible. Have you never read the inevitable outpouring when a man murders his wife? “But he was a pillar of the community and everyone loved him”.

i don’t know what proportion of men are abusive to their female partners but I’m not arrogant enough to presume it’s a tiny minority based on my own preconceptions.

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Well said👏🏻
I can see that @shuggles doesn't understand the dynamics of abusive relationships.