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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need someone to clearly tell me what to do

144 replies

neverbegrey · 19/05/2024 05:55

I haven't been in here for a long long time , i literaly have no one else I can talk to about this ,it's consuming my thoughts 24 /7 . I have ( or thought I had ) a wonderful caring kind partner after leaving an abusive marriage ,not perfect , he consumes far too much alcohol , but he'd go to the ends of the earth for me ,and works really hard ,my friends love him ,we've been together for 10 years and my daughter who's 25 still lives with us , he's 60 ,I'm 55.
My daughter showed me 2 videos of him walking up and down past her room , she'd just came out a shower ,I was at work at the time ,and they showed him bending down and looking through her bedroom door ( glass doors with blinds ) he'd been doing this for 15 mins. that's why she was able to video him , when confronted he said he couldn't remember doing that ,went straight to my daughter, cried and apologised, she's accepted his apology and carries on as normal ,I'm devastated , where can I go from here ?

OP posts:
Dryshampoofordays · 19/05/2024 05:58

You kick his pervy arse out and don’t ever let him back in.

CuriousBogInTheNight · 19/05/2024 05:58

You know you need to get him as far away from your daughter as possible, for ever.

0hno · 19/05/2024 05:59

If you want to have any kind of relationship with your daughter you need to chuck him out right now.

Lengokengo · 19/05/2024 06:00

This sounds awful. It also strikes me that he came into your life when your daughter was 15. Probably not a first time offence. Only the first time there is video evidence. I would ask him to leave. This is calculated behaviour and not a mistake.

NoCloudsAllowed · 19/05/2024 06:04

He's not a good man, he's a man who's perving on your daughter. She's probably known this for some time and felt uncomfortable.

If he's prepared to trample boundaries for sexual kicks at home, it's highly likely he's getting up to something out of the home as well.

This isn't a difficult one. Kick him out. He'll cry and say he'll change and maybe threaten to hurt himself etc, don't buy it. Have some self respect.

TurqoiseJasper · 19/05/2024 06:07

Oh no! This is just terrible, I'm not surprised you feel absolutely devastated, what an utter creep. Quite frankly just disgusting behaviour.

What else did she say as well as showing you the videos? Does he know you've seen them, , or was the apology just to your daughter? Not sure I understand why she's just accepted the apology and doesn't feel compelled to lose her shit.

You don't need to be told clearly what to do, you know what to do xxxx

Superduper02 · 19/05/2024 06:10

Certainly don't take any inspiration from your daughter's forgiveness. You are meant to be a rolemodel and she may not forgive you in years to come if you don't take the lead here.

What a perv.

TimoteiChaletpants · 19/05/2024 06:12

He needs to go. He is not the person you think he is. You’ll really mess with your DD’s boundaries and view of relationships if you condone this behaviour by ignoring it. Crying and apologising is not enough, and it’s very telling that his reaction is centred around feeling sorry for himself.

PBandJ111 · 19/05/2024 06:13

Kick him out Ffs.

OligoN · 19/05/2024 06:14

He has to go. He perves on your daughter.
How could you ever be intimate with him again?

ZekeZeke · 19/05/2024 06:18

I am betting this isn't the first time he has done this to your daughter.

I'm devastated , where can I go from here ?
You kick his arse out can't believe you are even asking.

WalkingaroundJardine · 19/05/2024 06:19

She probably forgave him for your sake, knowing how much you adore him. Which is why you need to do the right thing and put her first.

If you have to be with him then ask him to move out and you couple apart in separate homes.

SpringleDingle · 19/05/2024 06:20

You need to ask him to leave immediately, he is peeping on your DD. That is not acceptable and not a “mistake”. It sounds like his also a functional alcoholic which won’t get better. Definitely you need to remove him from your daughters home.

HollyKnight · 19/05/2024 06:22

Do you actually think he's going to stop looking at your daughter in that way now? Of course he won't. She's not his daughter. They don't have a parent-daughter relationship. She's a young, unrelated woman living in the same house as him, who he fantasises about and tries to sneak a peek at whenever he thinks he can get away with it. He'll have been doing it for years.

Idontknowwhattodo78 · 19/05/2024 06:43

Yuck. That’s vile op, you know he has to go. Perving on your daughter is beyond revolting. And as for “he can’t remember doing it” that’s a crock of shit! He has shown you who he is, so believe him. Tell him his disgusting behaviour has killed any feelings you had for him and you want him gone, today.

BCBird · 19/05/2024 06:48

Show him the door. Don't ask ur daughter. U.need to take the decision.

MMadness · 19/05/2024 07:24

You can't truly need to be told what to do right?

Fuck.him off. Jesus wept.

LetsPutTheKettleOn · 19/05/2024 07:29

Please do the right thing and put your daughter first. He's not a good man.

BecuaseIWantItThatWay · 19/05/2024 07:35

No no no! Do not risk your child's safety for ANYONE!! Get out of get home out!!

Entirely Unforgivable!!

labracadabras · 19/05/2024 07:37

Idontknowwhattodo78 · 19/05/2024 06:43

Yuck. That’s vile op, you know he has to go. Perving on your daughter is beyond revolting. And as for “he can’t remember doing it” that’s a crock of shit! He has shown you who he is, so believe him. Tell him his disgusting behaviour has killed any feelings you had for him and you want him gone, today.

This he needs to go now and immediately. You must and you must end it. He’s disgusting - I am very surprised you need to ask

Chatonette · 19/05/2024 07:55

You know what to do OP. Your daughter and her safety/ability to feel at peace in her own home come first. Why would you knowingly allow your own child to feel sexually harassed and to be subjected to a Peeping Tom in her own home?

Tcateh · 19/05/2024 07:59

I'm sure you know what to do.

You just can't believe it's happened and that you need to do it.

What made her video him.

Has she had previous suspicions to have done this and has kept that from you?

It must have been destroying for her to have to get this evidence and show to you.

You need to afford her the total respect of backing her up and telling him to go.

Of course she'd forgive him she's protecting you and you mustn't let her do that.

She will never forget it if you don't do the right thing.

Chatonette · 19/05/2024 08:25

Tcateh · 19/05/2024 07:59

I'm sure you know what to do.

You just can't believe it's happened and that you need to do it.

What made her video him.

Has she had previous suspicions to have done this and has kept that from you?

It must have been destroying for her to have to get this evidence and show to you.

You need to afford her the total respect of backing her up and telling him to go.

Of course she'd forgive him she's protecting you and you mustn't let her do that.

She will never forget it if you don't do the right thing.

This

pizzaHeart · 19/05/2024 08:28

Lengokengo · 19/05/2024 06:00

This sounds awful. It also strikes me that he came into your life when your daughter was 15. Probably not a first time offence. Only the first time there is video evidence. I would ask him to leave. This is calculated behaviour and not a mistake.

This^ 100%

Toooldforthis36 · 19/05/2024 08:33

“Can’t remember” - oh please!

he needs to leave now, he is a danger to your daughter and this probably isn’t the first time. It’s just the first time he’s been caught.

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