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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need someone to clearly tell me what to do

144 replies

neverbegrey · 19/05/2024 05:55

I haven't been in here for a long long time , i literaly have no one else I can talk to about this ,it's consuming my thoughts 24 /7 . I have ( or thought I had ) a wonderful caring kind partner after leaving an abusive marriage ,not perfect , he consumes far too much alcohol , but he'd go to the ends of the earth for me ,and works really hard ,my friends love him ,we've been together for 10 years and my daughter who's 25 still lives with us , he's 60 ,I'm 55.
My daughter showed me 2 videos of him walking up and down past her room , she'd just came out a shower ,I was at work at the time ,and they showed him bending down and looking through her bedroom door ( glass doors with blinds ) he'd been doing this for 15 mins. that's why she was able to video him , when confronted he said he couldn't remember doing that ,went straight to my daughter, cried and apologised, she's accepted his apology and carries on as normal ,I'm devastated , where can I go from here ?

OP posts:
AlwaysGinPlease · 19/05/2024 16:31

ZekeZeke · 19/05/2024 15:33

Your 25 year old DD needs to get a job and start contributing.

Omg that's what you get from the OPs post. Weirdo.

yhk · 19/05/2024 16:32

I think you know what you have to do.

Your daughter will be devastated if you stay with him after he has violated her.

She may tell you she's over it, but she will know that you chose a man over her safety.

IntriguingFactJumble · 19/05/2024 16:44

Op, hopefully you have called the police by now to start the process of getting the scum away from your daughter. I'd also recommend calling Women's Aid or a similar organisation, and then maybe a sister/best friend. I imagine you and your daughter could end up too shocked to know how to start to talk this through without support.

ohthejoys21 · 19/05/2024 16:44

I have a 25yo dd living at home and this sickens me for your dd, YOU are supposed to be her home, her safe place. This will 100% be just the tip of the iceberg. I'd check his computer if you want the full story then sling him out that day. I know you're in shock but you'll have to deal with that when he's gone.

LakeTiticaca · 19/05/2024 17:33

So sorry OP but I doubt there is any coming back from this x
He's been perving on your daughter for who knows how long

StressedCarer00 · 19/05/2024 17:39

Ugh, get rid of the dirty pervert.

LizardOfOz · 19/05/2024 17:54

What would concern me is that you don't kick him out, and he escalates his assaults on your daughter because he knows you're not going to do anything about it.
At the moment, as far as you know, he's "only" spied on her. Ignore this, give him the green light and he will escalate.

Harriet766 · 19/05/2024 18:25

Ugghh...as others have said, how could you possibly let him touch you after this? Whether your daughter forgives him or not, you have a duty to get him the fuck away from her. And no way would that disgusting man come anywhere near my granddaughter. I knew a woman whose stepgrandad sexually abused her. He'd grope and kiss her while her mum and gran were in the other room. Vile. You just can't take a chance with a man like that. There are lines you don't cross in life, and this is one of them. Once you've done something like that, there's no going back.

Why was your daughter suspicious enough to hide a camera? Presumably he's been making her uncomfortable for a while. Either that or she's caught him snooping around before. One thing I would bet my life on – it isn't the first time. He's probably been doing this since you first met. If you've been together 10 years, that means your daughter was 15 when he came into her life. No way is a man going to behave normally for 10 years and then, one day, when she's 25, peer at her through her bedroom door. He's been doing this since the day he first slept in the same house. He's just been caught at last, that's all.

I'm very sorry for you OP. You're a victim as well. x

StressedCarer00 · 19/05/2024 18:44

If you don't end your relationship with him, it will destroy your relationship with your daughter....,the sense of betrayal she will feel. If or when, she becomes a parent, what has gone on will come back to her, as it is a trauma, so think very carefully about your actions now. Who is your priority?

DahliaSmith · 19/05/2024 19:10

StressedCarer00 · 19/05/2024 18:44

If you don't end your relationship with him, it will destroy your relationship with your daughter....,the sense of betrayal she will feel. If or when, she becomes a parent, what has gone on will come back to her, as it is a trauma, so think very carefully about your actions now. Who is your priority?

This. You need to choose between your relationship with him, and your relationship with your daughter. Because of his actions you can't have both.

DownTheBackoftheSofa · 19/05/2024 19:15

Your relationship is over. He needs to leave. If you don't make this happen, your relationship with your daughter will never recover.

DownTheBackoftheSofa · 19/05/2024 19:19

I was the victim of voyeurism in my 20s. It wasn't my relation, it was my friend's dad and we rented rooms off him. It was horrible and I've never forgotten it. He got away with it for a long time before I realised and I felt so violated. I didn't say anything to him although I did what I could to take steps against him. Your daughter will be going through this now. Don't let her suffer alone and don't let her see her Mum sweep it under the carpet for an easy life. It's over.

whatamess100 · 19/05/2024 19:27

Sorry but why do you even need advice. Shes a dirty pig, hes probably been doing that for years hense her need to record him. I would not leave him alone with my daughter ever, 25 or not!

AnitaLoos · 19/05/2024 19:42

Whose house is it? You say you took out a mortgage together so did you buy uit together? Are you tenants in common? In whose names are the loans? He needs to go regardless obvs

paulhollywoodshairgel · 19/05/2024 21:17

How do you know he's not being spying on her since she was a teenager??? Get him out and away from both of you. If he was my partner I'd have kicked him in the nuts whilst chucking him out the front door. Protect yourselves please.

Mozzarellaballs · 19/05/2024 22:10

She said that she was frozen to the spot. I cannot imagine how scary it must have been for her seeing anyone's eyes let alone her stepdads coming back and forth and peering through the glass. I'd be petrified and yes unless she is studying or has a disability then she should be working and paying board etc.

Original poster
neverbegrey · 20/05/2024 00:38

pikkumyy77 · 19/05/2024 14:45

As others have pointed out its not unusual for men to be very nice to the mothers of young girls in order to gain access to them. I think you have to accept that he never was the man you thought he was and all of the nice things he did for you were in service to his letch for her.

He's been married twice before and has three daughter's and a son , age range from 20 to 42 , they absolutely dote on their darling dad , I have a son who's 29 , they get on as well , I've been sitting on this for 5 days now and I feel I need to compose myself first before I explode this bomb , even with evidence , i know most people won't believe me ,he's creeping me out by constantly clinging to me but he's acting like nothings happened towards dd ,I'm glad I came on here ,so thank you everyone ,my own thoughts were a very lonely place to be .

OP posts:
yhk · 20/05/2024 00:39

neverbegrey · 20/05/2024 00:38

He's been married twice before and has three daughter's and a son , age range from 20 to 42 , they absolutely dote on their darling dad , I have a son who's 29 , they get on as well , I've been sitting on this for 5 days now and I feel I need to compose myself first before I explode this bomb , even with evidence , i know most people won't believe me ,he's creeping me out by constantly clinging to me but he's acting like nothings happened towards dd ,I'm glad I came on here ,so thank you everyone ,my own thoughts were a very lonely place to be .

Show quote history

But their darling dad is a pervert.

Noseybookworm · 20/05/2024 00:47

neverbegrey · 20/05/2024 00:38

He's been married twice before and has three daughter's and a son , age range from 20 to 42 , they absolutely dote on their darling dad , I have a son who's 29 , they get on as well , I've been sitting on this for 5 days now and I feel I need to compose myself first before I explode this bomb , even with evidence , i know most people won't believe me ,he's creeping me out by constantly clinging to me but he's acting like nothings happened towards dd ,I'm glad I came on here ,so thank you everyone ,my own thoughts were a very lonely place to be .

Show quote history

I bet his children wouldn't dote on him if they knew he was perving outside your daughter's door and spying on her! You need to get him out of your house and out of your life. Can't believe it's been 5 days and you're still allowing him to be around your daughter!

Bestyearever2024 · 20/05/2024 03:33

I've been sitting on this for 5 days now and I feel I need to compose myself first before I explode this bomb , even with evidence

You don't have the luxury of composing yourself

You need to protect your daughter

Stop making this about you and how you feel and get rid of this vile creep

grinandslothit · 20/05/2024 04:10

She has not 1 but 2 videos of him perving spying on her.
It's been 5 days, and yet he is still in the house.

I truly do not understand this. He needs to go today.

Plenty of criminals, perverts, sex offenders, rapist, and so on have families and children.

ZekeZeke · 20/05/2024 04:18

AlwaysGinPlease · 19/05/2024 16:31

Omg that's what you get from the OPs post. Weirdo.

Show quote history

Actually, my first reply to the OP was that it's probably not the first time he has done.this and to kick him out.
But thanks for your reply! Weirdo.

DahliaSmith · 20/05/2024 05:50

He's clinging to you so he can control the outcome. Sex offenders are manipulative and convincing and often manoeuvre themselves into positions of respectability, having three kids and two ex wives means absolutely fuck all here.

He's been under your roof for five days too long and there is no reason you should be offering him safe harbour now you know what he's done.

Yes this is horrendous and you're in shock, but wake up and take the action your daughter came to you for. You've done nothing wrong, but if you keep your mouth shut you will be complicit and as bad as him. It's time to pick a side.

MsDogLady · 20/05/2024 05:58

@neverbegrey, this criminal voyeur has sexually abused your daughter, so you must take action!

Not only do you have video evidence, but others already know about his violation of DD. It is mind-boggling that he still residing under your roof, and is being allowed to manipulate/cling to you and sweep his abuse of your child. She is being victimized all over again, and you are being groomed into inaction by this predator.

You are terrified, but you must bring forth your fierceness. Get him out and notify authorities about his sex crime of perving over your daughter’s body for his sexual gratification.

Failure to act will damage DD beyond measure and will have serious and far-reaching future ramifications.

Bestyearever2024 · 20/05/2024 06:25

You've done nothing wrong

I think waiting 5 or 6 days is utterly contemptible