I need someone to clearly tell me what to do

[neverbegrey]

I haven't been in here for a long long time , i literaly have no one else I can talk to about this ,it's consuming my thoughts 24 /7 . I have ( or thought I had ) a wonderful caring kind partner after leaving an abusive marriage ,not perfect , he consumes far too much alcohol , but he'd go to the ends of the earth for me ,and works really hard ,my friends love him ,we've been together for 10 years and my daughter who's 25 still lives with us , he's 60 ,I'm 55.
My daughter showed me 2 videos of him walking up and down past her room , she'd just came out a shower ,I was at work at the time ,and they showed him bending down and looking through her bedroom door ( glass doors with blinds ) he'd been doing this for 15 mins. that's why she was able to video him , when confronted he said he couldn't remember doing that ,went straight to my daughter, cried and apologised, she's accepted his apology and carries on as normal ,I'm devastated , where can I go from here ?

I'll bet he cried. He got caught.

I have a relative who's a convicted perv and he cried too. Crocodile tears, only sorry they got caught red handed

Out he goes, no question. You can never trust this man again.

As others have pointed out its not unusual for men to be very nice to the mothers of young girls in order to gain access to them. I think you have to accept that he never was the man you thought he was and all of the nice things he did for you were in service to his letch for her.

Yes it is difficult and messy breaking up with someone and all the financial stuff that has to be sorted out but it can be done, people do! The most important and urgent thing to do is to tell him to leave now. Threaten to report him to police if he gives any trouble

I would say today, while he’s feeling bad- ask him to leave, if only for “some space for you to think” - and then dump. You need him out of the house but as he jointly owns it, you can’t just kick him out, you need him to agree to leave.

at the risk of sounding cold, does his mothers recent death mean he’s coming into some money via inheritance? Long term he might have to buy you out and you and dd leave if you can’t afford to buy his share.

but all of that can be fixed later, he needs to go or you and dd go.

You need to end the relationship.

You can no longer respect him.

You can no longer feel at ease with him around your daughter.

Your daughter can never feel safe or at ease while he is there.

How can you ever be intimate again knowing he has fantasised about your daughter and invaded his privacy repeatedly?

There is no possible future to this relationship.

this is actually a crime

How devastating for you, to realise who this man really is. It must be so shocking but you know its unforgiveable. Your DD must have been terrified.

Of course it will be a hassle to untangle your lives but your DD’s safety is more important.

I know that this sounds crude Op, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he fantasises about your daughter when you are being intimate with him
I am willing to bet that he has some sort of a perving history

Show your DD the replies for what purpose? You're the parent, it's time to adult.

Pack his belongings, he has to go today. You shouldn't and neither your daughter have to spend another night under the same roof as him.

If he kicks up any level of fuss, then call the police.

In the morning you get on to the CAB and get some advice on how to extract yourself from the financial situation but you should not in any way let money buy your compliance with this. Yes it will be difficult, but not impossible and you will have to deal with this one way or another, either now with some admin and incovenience, or long term with the guilt that you knew and did nothing and let him buy your silence.

There is no choice to be made here.

https://brittontime.com/2022/04/08/what-is-voyeurism/.

i don’t understand - how was she able to film him on her phone when she is presumably in her room and he is outside wandering back and forth for 15 mins?

what a creep, he makes me feel sick. Your poor daughter. Do not show her this thread. She needs to see you being strong and decisive , not confused, unsure and worried about money. Fair enough you might be worried about your financial future but she needs you to see her putting her first.

You should ask her if she would like to go to the police and let her know you will support her in whatever she decides to do.

If she hadn't recorded it, you know he would be denying it. But because there is evidence, he can only pretend he doesn't remember doing it.

He knows he did it. It won't be the first time.

You need to be the adult and make the right decision here. Don't put that responsibility on a 15 year old.

There's no place in your house for someone who has pervy tendancies. What has he suggested beyond crying and saying he doesn't remember? If he genuinely is acting in ways he can't remember, then he needs to move out, kick the drinking and seek psychological help so he can be sure that not going to harm anyone.

Mate, come on. This is your daughter we're talking about.

All the money stuff can be sorted.

Kick him out.

Yes

I was thinking the same thing

It's right there in the OP. The bedroom door has glass panels. He was bending down, looking through the glass into the bedroom. She filmed him doing this repeatedly.

Kick him out.

Your 25 year old DD needs to get a job and start contributing.

Is this your biggest concern from reading OP’s post?
God save us!

Maybe the DD has a disability and isn't able to work, the most important thing is the OP needs to kick out the Alcy, pervy bastard. Not sure what to suggest about the financial ties though,

Why on earth would you want to even be under the same roof as him knowing he was perving on your daughter? He's not only a drunk, he's a perv.

Wake up and see this for what it is. It isn't Love Story.

And check the house for hidden cameras.

I feel for you Op. It must feel like your world is caving in.

Even if your daughter hasn't noticed anything like this before, it doesn't mean it hasn't happened. And even if it hasn't happened before - it's happened now. Once is enough.

He's perved over someone. Much worse, he's perved over someone he has a parental role to. Someone he lives with and who should be able to trust him. His wife's daughter for goodness sake.

He's crossed a serious line.

Your daughter needs to be away from him. And he clearly isn't a good husband to you either. You should be able to rely on your husband not being a peeping Tom to someone he's had a fatherly role with since she was a child.

I went to visit my mum. I had not lived with her since a toddler but she was still with the man she chose over me. He suggested I have a shower while he was in having a bath. I told her. She said ring my mum. I rang my grandma. She said something outrageous. Blaming me. Never seen her since. Not just because of that but it didn't help.

Make the right choice.

Did it not occur to you to read the OP while you were thinking? I does explain it there.

OP kick the pervy bastard out, he's not even got the stones to own up to what he's done. Crying and saying he "can't remember", aye I bet you can't you dirty old bastard.

If your resolve ever slips just remember he's 100% wanked over your daughter and I'm sure you'll find the strength.