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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need someone to clearly tell me what to do

144 replies

neverbegrey · 19/05/2024 05:55

I haven't been in here for a long long time , i literaly have no one else I can talk to about this ,it's consuming my thoughts 24 /7 . I have ( or thought I had ) a wonderful caring kind partner after leaving an abusive marriage ,not perfect , he consumes far too much alcohol , but he'd go to the ends of the earth for me ,and works really hard ,my friends love him ,we've been together for 10 years and my daughter who's 25 still lives with us , he's 60 ,I'm 55.
My daughter showed me 2 videos of him walking up and down past her room , she'd just came out a shower ,I was at work at the time ,and they showed him bending down and looking through her bedroom door ( glass doors with blinds ) he'd been doing this for 15 mins. that's why she was able to video him , when confronted he said he couldn't remember doing that ,went straight to my daughter, cried and apologised, she's accepted his apology and carries on as normal ,I'm devastated , where can I go from here ?

OP posts:
Noseybookworm · 19/05/2024 08:34

Do you really need someone to tell you to kick this pervert out of your house??

TheFraud · 19/05/2024 08:37

You gather your strength and calm and you go and tell him to leave immediately.

You don’t listen to his pathetic lies or tears or excuses. Broken record time. ‘I know what you did and you have to leave NOW.’

Sunsea21 · 19/05/2024 08:38

Why on earth is this even a question? Your poor daughter so let down by the one person that is meant to protect her (you). You leave. And if this sounds harsh just know I went through similar with a mother who stayed with someone like that. I hope if you don’t leave your daughter can get far away from you

Shiningout · 19/05/2024 08:40

You need to be told what to do?? I think you need to go on a safeguarding course for parents tbh op if you genuinely don't know what to do. He's a pervert, he's trying to watch your daughter naked ffs underneath her bedroom door after a shower! Honestly the mind boggles, what exactly are your limits in a relationship? What would he have to do for you to kick his arse out? Fuck me

NewGreenDuck · 19/05/2024 08:41

Just to add my 2 pennorth. He needs to go. How can your DD ever feel safe knowing what he is like? How can she even sit in a room with him? How can you ever want to be near him after this? Please just get rid of him.

Loubelle70 · 19/05/2024 08:43

Tears or not, he would be out if my house and i would finish the relationship

Toooldforthis36 · 19/05/2024 08:43

NewGreenDuck · 19/05/2024 08:41

Just to add my 2 pennorth. He needs to go. How can your DD ever feel safe knowing what he is like? How can she even sit in a room with him? How can you ever want to be near him after this? Please just get rid of him.

100x this.

TorturedPoets · 19/05/2024 08:44

She forgave him? She didn’t have a lot of choice did she as she lives in the same house as him and probably felt bad for you. Have you actually thought of kicking him out and ending the relationship?

mycatsanutter · 19/05/2024 08:45

This is not the first time he has done this , he ' can't remember' ? Oh how convenient not remembering means he doesn't have to take accountability for his disgusting behaviour. You are your daughters role model , do the right thing pack his stuff today .

Shetlands · 19/05/2024 08:45

You posted this 3 hours ago so your disgusting partner should be gone by now. If he's still there, give yourself a shake and throw all his stuff outside. Tell him if he doesn't go immediately, you'll involve the police.

purplesalad · 19/05/2024 08:45

WalkingaroundJardine · 19/05/2024 06:19

She probably forgave him for your sake, knowing how much you adore him. Which is why you need to do the right thing and put her first.

If you have to be with him then ask him to move out and you couple apart in separate homes.

Yes, this !

Get him out of your home. He’s probably been doing it for years !

DaisyChain505 · 19/05/2024 08:49

Your daughter will never feel safe or relaxed in her home again and if you don’t back her and prove that you believe her and care for her she will remember this for life.

Mozzarellaballs · 19/05/2024 08:52

Your daughter must feel so scared in her own home now and if you forgive him she will remember that forever and I think your relationship will be ruined. I could not imagine how I would feel if my step dad did that to me. He has known her since being 15, so still a child yes an older one but then he sees her sexually. That is weird and actually he's a peadophile

Whatineed · 19/05/2024 08:54

I'm so sorry OP, but he needs to go. Now.

feelingfree17 · 19/05/2024 08:54

Your daughter will carry this for the rest of her life. It must have been so difficult for her to open up to you about this.

Do the right thing. Kick the pervert out today!

perfectcolourfound · 19/05/2024 09:00

I'm shocked you're asking.

Your poor daughter has had her privacy invaded by this pervert. It probably wasn't the first time. Very likely he's been doing it, or thinking of doing it, for some time. She may have suspected that for some time.

Why would you want to stay with a man who perves on women (aside from it being your daughter, someone who should be able to trust him)?

How could you ever find him attractive or trustworthy again?

But more than all of that, how will it make your daughter feel if you choose him over her? Can you imagine her talking to a friend or relative in a few years' time 'My step dad used to perve on me. Mum knew but forgave him.'

Happyearlyretirement · 19/05/2024 09:13

Kick him out today. Do not listen to his excuses.

Richandstrange · 19/05/2024 09:29

As someone who has been in exactly your DD's position OP I can tell you that, regardless of whether she seems to have 'forgiven' him, she will never properly forgive you if you don't kick him out and restore her peace in her own home. I vividly remember having to save up as a teenager for a bath robe to stop my stepfather loitering on the landing waiting for a peek at me in my towel when I came out of the shower, I felt hunted in my own home and it's affected me as an adult much more than I realised at the time. I don't speak to my mother now, she didn't protect me when she should have and I will never forgive her for that so think very hard about the relationship you want with your DD in the future because you are about to royally fuck it up if you don't remove this man from what should be her sanctuary, her home.

Amx · 19/05/2024 09:31

Kick him out. No excuses.

Houseplanter · 19/05/2024 09:35

You need to ask yourself why your daughter videoed him. If this was a first and she was as shocked as a 25 year should be she'd have confronted him and asked him what the hell he was doing.

Instead she thought she needed evidence.. sounds to me like she's at the end of her tether with it.

This is not how a 25 year should react

Olivia2495 · 19/05/2024 09:50

It’s really unfortunate he got caught the very first time he did this.

Bestyearever2024 · 19/05/2024 09:52

Oh
My
God

The fact that you have to ASK? WHY do you have to ask? Why, just why?

You rip off his fucking balls , ram them down his throat and never ever ever ever have ANYTHING to do with him again

Your poor poor daughter

She must feel so unsupported

AnitaLoos · 19/05/2024 09:58

You say ‘get out of my house now you disgusting pervert & give me the keys or I’m calling the police.’ And you mean it. He packs a little bag and fucks off. You can put the rest of his stuff in bin bags and leave them outside for him to collect. When that’s done, block him.

Sadsadworld · 19/05/2024 10:06
  1. Thank your daughter for telling you and showing you the man you were with is not who you thought he was.
  1. Think are there any financial/legal things you need to sort out?
  1. Calmly tell him to leave. Do not get into any discussion or negotiation

Wishing you strength

LMMuffet · 19/05/2024 10:10

Of course he remembers. And I would bet it’s not the only time he has done this - it’s simply the only time he’s been caught.

Your daughter has “forgiven” him for your sake and because she probably doesn’t want to accept that a man who has been in her life since she was 15 is a pervert. It’s self preservation to minimise what he has done, to make her able to cope.

You have to kick him out. Today. There is no excuse for what he has done. Ever. And if your family question why, be up front and honest. They will support your decision if they understand why you had to take it.

Good luck OP. I know this must be devastating but I think in your heart you know he has to go. And in time you will be proud of standing up for your daughter and yourself.