DH is hideous but won't leave

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I'll try to keep this brief as it's more of a question.

DH is a bully. He is verbally abusive, controlling and vile. I've finally had enough but don't know HOW to split up.

He won't leave. We live in my childhood home which is all I have left. My DDad left it to me after I nursed him through years of dementia. I have no siblings/aunts/uncles/family at all. DH has a big flat that he rents out but because my Dads house is worth a (small) amount more than his flat, he is pressuring me to sell it and make me and the DC move just so he can recoup a token amount of money to 'even things up'.

Whilst i do understand that it should be equal - even though the split is entirely down to decades of abusive behaviour - this is cruel and petty and just a way of refusing to move out I think. I have no car and no other assets. I am in debt and have no way of pulling together the money that would redress the value difference in our properties, but until I do he refuses to budge. I have told him I would not want anything from him - he has a pension and car - I have neither. Just to be left to live my life peacefully. He won't go.

Every day is hellish. He rants for hours at me and DD. He calls me names, he has eroded every bit of self-worth I ever had and he has caused DD to really struggle with her mental health. DS and him fare a little better but only because DS is much more passive, and also because DH is a misogynistic twat

The future looks very bleak and dark for me at the moment. I remind myself that at least the DC will eventually forge lives for themselves but he is damaging them every day that we are together and there is no future for me at all as things stand.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and how did you resolve it please? Is selling my home the only thing i can do?

Report his abuse to the police right now. What he is doing to you is a crime, and you may be able to get him removed from the home. Report him now and see a solicitor ASAP.

I think you need to see a solicitor for proper legal advice. If he has a decent pension & you don't then that could possibly be a decent bargaining chip to get him to leave your house alone.

Solicitor. It may be that in a divorce he wouldn’t be entitled to exactly 50/50 of the assets, which sounds like the houses. They take in to account pensions, income and who the dependent children would live with most of the time.

Speak to a solicitor. And if you can report him for abuse to the police and get him removed, so much the better.

Absolutely not.

Speak to women’s aid or get a free initial consultation with a lawyer. Check out wages and bank balances etc, where you can.

You have a long standing marriage, if you are in debt and he is not that may well cancel out the additional value in your house, as well as you being entitled to a share of his pension pot.

Did you have to stop work to look after the DC, do school runs etc?

File for divorce. His car and pension will be taken into account and if you're the primary carer you're likely to end up with slightly more eg 60/40 and will be able to retain your house.
Call womens aid. Report the abuse.

If he is abusive then call the police every time. Create a paper trail and get him out of your life.

Right get a solicitor a good one.

His flat is your asset as well you will be housing the children so the extra goes towards their housing.

How old are the DCs? They may not want to spend much time with him, if they are old enough to choose.

If you are main carer for them, keeping them in their home may be the priority.

If he had a pension and you have none then his pension counts as a family asset just as much as your house does.

Go and see a solicitor as with the pension included (which it is in law) he might need to pay you to even things up.

If you tell him that he might decide to leave.

Also, if he does get very verbally abusive and you are scared of him consider calling the police.

I agree with pp.

Also don’t necessarily give up on the pension. Let a solicitor advise. Sure ultimately you might agree to give it up for a quiet life but you don’t want your husband to know that!

A short conversation along the lines: “I’m reporting your verbal abuse to the police and instructing a solicitor. Frankly I’m sick and tired of the way you treat me and the kids. i have tried to be reasonable but my patience is worn thin. So I now intend to go after every penny I can in our divorce settlement. I suggest you try to control your behaviour, as it might make me more inclined to negotiate. If not - I’ll see you in court.”

Roughly how old are the kids by the way?

Thank you both. Also worth mentioning, that as with many arrogant men, he thinks he is above the law. He really would not give a flying fuck about injunctions or anything like that. And I do fear that anything like that would trigger unpredictable rage - he already seems mentally unwell to me inasmuch as he can't genuinely rant for hours and even if I leave the room, he will carry on for quite a long time.

I want him to storm out with his head held high and in the belief that he has 'left me' in order to preserve his pathetic ego as I think this would be a safer bet (and I really coudn't give a fuck who 'leaves' who at this stage)

But he has it good here. People to unleash his wisdom, superior knowledge and rage on, DDog, a comfortable, clean home and a full fridge. He has zero incentive to leave. It comes down to the fact the status quo is very much NOT working for me whilst very much IS working for him.

Kids are mid teens. Way too much damage done already. I am ashamed .

Go to a solicitor ASAP. Until you're clear exactly where you stand legally, you'll be stuck and suffering at his hands. You are entitled to a peaceful and abuse-free life.

Is he on the deeds of your property and you his?

I am not on the deeds of his property and he is not on the deeds of our current home.

Agree with PP: report him to the police. His behaviour is criminal. Call the NCDV and ask them about seeking a non-molestation order and an occupation order. The courts can be quite reluctant to grant occupation orders but if he has somewhere else he can live, then they might be willing to do so.

Solicitor, womens aid, do a benefits check, file for divorce. You can do this, find your strength.

How do you find a good solicitor that understands this kind of situation?

What a complete and utter bastard.

Sorry you're going through this.

The next time he starts, pick up the phone and call the police. Say he is abusive and threatening, that you have children in the house and you are afraid of him.

They will come and remove him. See a solicitor. Get a non molestation order. He is not above the law. If he breaks it, he will be arrested.

File for divorce, and end this hideous life. You are very clear that your DC have been damaged by this. Please ensure that it ends as soon as possible for their sake and your own. And no - hoping he will leave of his own accord is utterly futile. He won't

You need to make him.

As pp said tell him you’re instructing a solicitor and if he gets in to a rage call the police. This is exactly how my friend got rid of her controlling partner. They removed him from the house and said he wasn’t allowed to go back there. They put a call out on her phone number so if she called that was the police immediately dispatched to her address because he was dangerous.
The house was half his but she got to stay in it and he has been arrested several times for going back there. Phone the police and start the process of having him removed whatever it takes

That does not give you an excuse to keep allowing the abuse to continue. You have a duty to get this man away from them.

Op I think you need to start lining up your supports. You need to first contact womens aid who can help you navigate the rest step by step and if he gets really ugly and scary they can hide you until things are safer so it's good to have them in your back pocket. Next step is a good solicitor who is informed in domestic abuse. The next step is just looking at your money and if you have money in your own name that you can access? If not can you quietly make that happen? Do you work and have your own source of income?

If he works then I'd do those things, report him to the police so they have a record of it and then when he's out of the house I'd get someone out urgently to change the locks and have the police present for when he's due to return to keep the peace. Again womens aid can help work with local police to arrange this. You hold more cards than you think you do op. And you've nothing to be ashamed of. Leaving is hard and scary and so is staying. You've already shown immense strength because parenting with someone like that in your home is 100x harder than parenting solo so you've done the very best you can for your kids. This is all on him and his unacceptable behaviour.

Once he's out, police can red flag you're address so if he rocks up angry and threatening you'll get a more urgent response. Again womens aid can help with things like this and if your area has a dv specialist team they can arrange it so that's more likely to be who handles your case.

Do you have any family/friends you can go to? I'd get all of your important documents together somewhere safe you can quickly grab them if you need to go in an emergency and you could also leave an overnight bag for you and your kids with a non mutual friend just incase things change. Hopefully you'll not need to use them though and staying in your house will be safe to do with the right measures in place.

I'm sorry he's putting you through this op. It's his choice to do this, you don't and never did deserve this - noone does. The future doesn't need to be dark, there is hope and a way out for you and your kids that keeps you all safe.

@Aquamarine1029 good job telling op what she has already stated she knows.

Womens aid can't recommend a specific solicitor but I know the WA in my area keeps a list of good ones they've worked with before that women can speak to and choose who they felt most comfortable with. So they might be a good reference point?

I work for a national law firm (but not a lawyer) we have specialist solicitors who know exactly how to deal with coercive control, abuse both financial and emotional. DM me if you want more info. Sorry you are going through this, PP are correct, doesn't matter what he says, you need proper legal advice from someone who has experience with this kind of arseholes.

She's not taking action. She must.