DH is hideous but won't leave

[GinkPin]

I'll try to keep this brief as it's more of a question.

DH is a bully. He is verbally abusive, controlling and vile. I've finally had enough but don't know HOW to split up.

He won't leave. We live in my childhood home which is all I have left. My DDad left it to me after I nursed him through years of dementia. I have no siblings/aunts/uncles/family at all. DH has a big flat that he rents out but because my Dads house is worth a (small) amount more than his flat, he is pressuring me to sell it and make me and the DC move just so he can recoup a token amount of money to 'even things up'.

Whilst i do understand that it should be equal - even though the split is entirely down to decades of abusive behaviour - this is cruel and petty and just a way of refusing to move out I think. I have no car and no other assets. I am in debt and have no way of pulling together the money that would redress the value difference in our properties, but until I do he refuses to budge. I have told him I would not want anything from him - he has a pension and car - I have neither. Just to be left to live my life peacefully. He won't go.

Every day is hellish. He rants for hours at me and DD. He calls me names, he has eroded every bit of self-worth I ever had and he has caused DD to really struggle with her mental health. DS and him fare a little better but only because DS is much more passive, and also because DH is a misogynistic twat

The future looks very bleak and dark for me at the moment. I remind myself that at least the DC will eventually forge lives for themselves but he is damaging them every day that we are together and there is no future for me at all as things stand.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and how did you resolve it please? Is selling my home the only thing i can do?

if I can leave then so can you. I thought I was so many negative things and couldn't cope without him plus didn't want the kids upset. Stayed nearly a decade after he cheated. Then he did something that ended it for me. Now I'm divorcing and doing well. Kids are great and support me. He's not doing well.

you can do this. You're a warrior. We've all got you.

Not true. I kept my inheritance.

When he pokes you, that is assault. You can call the police. Once the police are involved you can have him removed. You get a court order to keep him away. If he breaks it, you call the police. Every time he does something he shouldn't, you call the police.

Women's Aid can help you plan the way out. A good solicitor can advise on the legal stuff. He doesn't have the upper hand. If he has a pension and you don't, you are entitled to 50% of his pension. If your properties are of similar value, and you can both live in your respective properties, you won't have to sell. The starting point is 50:50, but the court will take future earnings into consideration.

I started again in my 50s. My ex husband was an abusive cunt too. He thought he had the upper hand. He played games, missing court deadlines and was manipulative all through the legal process. The judge was not impressed. I got almost everything, including his remaining pension. The bit I didn't get went to his solicitors, so he didn't even see that.

You can do this, there is a lot of support available, you just need to take another step. You've already taken the first by posting here. Keep going, it really is worth it. You and your children can have a good, calm and happy life without this awful man.

FYI I have no pension. I'm getting over 75% of one of his.

The actual act of me 'leaving' feels overwhelming If I leave this house - my childhood home - with him in it - I don't know what will be left to come back to. He will almost certainly make it very difficult for me to get back in and may well destroy things in my absence.

I also have DC who have everything here - they have school, friends, Saturday jobs and most importantly, exams coming up. I can't just make them leave everything when we have nowhere to go. And we really really don't have anywhere. I have no friends I can stay with and absolutely no family at all - not even if I were to travel - there just isn't anyone.

And the truth is, he has nowhere to go either.

It's a fucking mess.

It's not your problem he has no where to go.

he should be in a cell.

@GinkPin

No-one is saying that you have to leave the house.

Please make sure that you speak to a solicitor tomorrow.

What an absolute cunt.

i hope you can be free of him soon

Who fucking cares where he goes? That's not your problem.

Until you reach out for help and report his abuse to the police, nothing will change.

Your kids need you to take hard, decisive action.

Do not leave the house permanently

It is your home

Go to the Police and ask to speak to someone

Take a list of all the horrible things that he does and says

Show it to them

Ask them to help , ask them what you can do

Same with solicitor

Same with women's aid

You MUST do this today. For your children as much as for you

He has his own flat to go to.
DO NOT leave your house, it is yours and your children's home and your security.

Get all your financial documents, bank account details, passports, birth certificates etc. together and keep them safe in case he decides to be difficult- sounds like it's what he would do.

Don't put up with this any longer, OP. Get rid of him. Lots of good advice above: talk to a solicitor and Women's Aid.

Contact Women's Aid. They understand that ending a relationship, even a horribly abusive one, can be difficult. But you can do it. You have started by telling strangers on MN. We're all rooting for you and your DC. However hard this seems now you know that it can, and will, get better.

1. he has a flat to go to, so not nowhere.
2. you do not give a flying fuck where he goes or how long it takes for him to get his tenants out.
3. not one single fuck.
4. you need to start calling the police. The incident you just described- his face in yours? Call the police. Describe it. Tell them you’re scared. Do it again in 5 minutes if you have to. Practice calling- pick up your phone, hit the numbers. Put them on speed dial. Tell yourself every morning if he shoves his face into mine I’m dialling. I’m doing it for my children’s future, which will be radically changed if they see you shake free of this man.
5. can you get a second phone? Or do you know where your children’s phones are? So if he grabs yours there is another one. To call the police say he’s violent and taken your phone and you are scared.

i suspect a good lawyer will tell you once your care of the dc is included as well as his pensions, that you can have the house without having to pay him anything. You say he’ll ignore the police- keep calling them and he’ll end up in jail. Which sounds the place for him. Everything crossed for you!!

So much good advice already here.

Some links:

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/how-to-separate1/getting-a-divorce-or-dissolution/

https://www.lawsociety.org.uk/public/for-public-visitors/common-legal-issues/getting-a-divorce/

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/i-want-to-leave-my-relationship-safely/

I think the first stop needs to be the police. I’d go in, ask to speak to someone and tell them everything. That you want to file for divorce but that you fear for your safety and that of your children. You can’t leave the property but you need him to and he has somewhere to go.

Generally speaking the police are good with these situations now, I can’t guarantee it because there’s still a number of dickheads in the force, but on the whole they do get it and will act.

If you can get him removed and they put a domestic abuse flag on your address you can then go ahead and get on with filing.

Solicitor wise, I’d just ring some that advertise divorce/family law and have the law society accreditation for family law and go and see them. You will get a feel for if you think you can work with them. Yes it is great to have a recommendation but it’s not necessary.

Getting the ball rolling will be terrifying but you will feel so much better for it.

I'm glad that you're getting the ball rolling, getting the name of that law firm. I understand it's very hard. I've done it, and I've left a horrible abuser my daughter is left a horrible abuser.

It's hard to see past it when you're right into it, and it's all you've known for so long, and these horrible men just beat you down.

Definitely call women's aid when he isn't home and speak to them. I guarantee they have heard everything under the sun and they can help you. Also, talk to that solicitor as well as another couple of them, and you will find out you do have rights.

I understand it's scary, but creep is assaulting you, and if you call the police they will come and arrest him.

Please keep posting here in this thread. this will be your thread, and you'll have much support from everyone here.

Please contact the police. This man should no longer be protected from the abuse you and your dcs are suffering. Get any financial information together you have for him. You will get through this. Let mumsnetters help to support and guide you.

If you own the house outright and have debts surely you could mortgage the house for to cover the debts and any adjustment that is needed to balance the split? I think you need financial advice first because you need all the assets included first and if you are the lower wage earner and freelance then it’s likely your pension pot is significantly smaller than his. This may swing the financial division back so you don’t even need a mortgage.

Who is living in the flat?

I feel so angry for you. What a nasty piece of work. You don’t need to put up with this shit for a moment longer. He has worn you down. You need to summon your anger and get this piece of shit out of YOUR house. Do it for your children and do it for you. Show them that this behaviour is not acceptable.

There will be a way. Speak to a solicitor and don’t waste a moment longer - you deserve happiness and a life without abuse and so do your children. You can do it and there is a way- be strong!!

Please ask the solicitor if you can change the locks if he isn’t on the deeds.

Report him to the police before you change them and see if you can get an alert on your number so if he starts trying to break in, you can call them.

You do need to speak to a solicitor before you do anything regarding the house. Being married and using the house as the family home makes things more complicated. But it could be whatever you are entitled to from his pension will cancel out whatever he is entitled to from the house. Your safety is priority here, so do speak to WA and see what support they can offer you before you try to get him to leave.

I hope you got some sleep OP

Today is the day you change your life and your kids' lives

Hide your passports and any important paperwork
Move any money you can somewhere he can't get it
Go to the police and report everything. Ask for a non molestation order. As soon as you have it, change the locks and bag up his stuff
Call Women's Aid - they will talk you through everything and help you make a plan
Call a solicitor and get an appointment

Every time you tick one of these things off, congratulate yourself

You can do this
That abusive twat will not win 💐💪

No useful advice but you’ve got this 💐

You don’t sound weak at all. You sound like a deeply articulate, intelligent woman who has been doing her best to survive. The way you are feeling is exactly how it feels to be ground down over decades and is totally normal. This is how I felt as the child in a DV house. My mum eventually took action but I wish she’d been able to do it sooner. I felt so light and so relieved once he was gone.

you will feel much better too. Definitely worth getting advice on how to extricate yourself safely; you’re right to get your ducks in a row if you think there’s even a small chance he could get dangerous once he knows you’re ending it. This isn’t a reason to stay; just a reason to get yourself organised. A lawyer will help you.

Ideally you’d be able to stay in your own home, using the police (who can flag your address on their system so they respond urgently to any call out) and other measures, such as changing locks, a ring door bell so you can see and record when he turns up etc, to manage your safety. I think all the people saying you don’t have to move etc are making assumptions though about how dangerous this man might be. That’s why you need the police, and an idva who the police will arrange for you, to assess the risk. They’ll do a screening to check the risk, by asking things like has he been violent before, ever strangled you (which indicates a high risk of homicide), hurt animals etc. You and your children’s physical and emotional safety has to be paramount over everything else as the risk will increase when he realises he’s losing that power.

It is understandable that you'd worry about this op, I think anyone in your situation would. But that's why it's so important to get the police, a solicitor, social services, your child's school, women's aid etc involved because then you'll have a team of trained, experienced people who have your back and your children's back who will work together to keep you and your children safe so you don't need to deal with him alone any more. And then he'll just be one person, against a full team of people. Op this is your home, you don't have to leave it you just need the right support in place to protect it. These are your children, and Ss will fight your corner to keep him away from them and to protect you all. The police will flag your address and enforce all aspects of the law upon him and your solicitor will work to protect your assets as well as your safety.

Domestic abuse can only thrive where there's secrecy and isolation.

You didn't choose to isolate yourself from your family etc. He made life so difficult that he left you no choice but to step back. That's a huge part of how it works.

I know it's hard thinking about things your child might lose (although there's nothing at this point to say you'd need to move at all). But I've worked with hundreds of young people who grew up witnessing DV and honestly, while the losses are hard - the safety and seeing their mum in a good place and not being hurt any more is worth it. If your kids had to choose they would choose your safety, the rest can be maintained or rebuilt.

And please don't say you don't have fight or flight. I'm a firm believer that we have the adrenaline response that fits the circumstances that we're in. Right now that freeze response has kept you and your children safe. Its been what's helped you 'keep the peace' with the little control he's afforded you. Leaving is hard and scary, but you can do it and you are stronger than you think... just look at all you've survived so far while running a home and raising children. You hold way more cards than you think.