DH is hideous but won't leave

[GinkPin]

I'll try to keep this brief as it's more of a question.

DH is a bully. He is verbally abusive, controlling and vile. I've finally had enough but don't know HOW to split up.

He won't leave. We live in my childhood home which is all I have left. My DDad left it to me after I nursed him through years of dementia. I have no siblings/aunts/uncles/family at all. DH has a big flat that he rents out but because my Dads house is worth a (small) amount more than his flat, he is pressuring me to sell it and make me and the DC move just so he can recoup a token amount of money to 'even things up'.

Whilst i do understand that it should be equal - even though the split is entirely down to decades of abusive behaviour - this is cruel and petty and just a way of refusing to move out I think. I have no car and no other assets. I am in debt and have no way of pulling together the money that would redress the value difference in our properties, but until I do he refuses to budge. I have told him I would not want anything from him - he has a pension and car - I have neither. Just to be left to live my life peacefully. He won't go.

Every day is hellish. He rants for hours at me and DD. He calls me names, he has eroded every bit of self-worth I ever had and he has caused DD to really struggle with her mental health. DS and him fare a little better but only because DS is much more passive, and also because DH is a misogynistic twat

The future looks very bleak and dark for me at the moment. I remind myself that at least the DC will eventually forge lives for themselves but he is damaging them every day that we are together and there is no future for me at all as things stand.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and how did you resolve it please? Is selling my home the only thing i can do?

Just to say how incredibly sorry I am that you're in this situation. You have been given lots of good advice here from women who have walked in your shoes. Your first step should be women's aid who will hold your hand and advise until you're ready to move forward.

Please, please, please flag your address with police. Get the abuse on record. Talk to the safeguarding lead at your children's schools. Get a bag together for if you have to flee. The most dangerous time for a woman is when she leaves, make sure the police know your fears about your husband's potential violence. Big handhold from me, we are all here when you need to talk.

If he is prodding you and your DC is telling them to stop then you must call the police and get him removed.

You are not safeguarding you or your children, you need to act! Your H would have to conform to an injunction otherwise he will be arrested!

Tomorrow get yourself to a solicitor, and if he so much as touches you again you call the police and get this sorry piece-of shit out! Why on earth do you want him to leave with his head held high! You need to stop this now, find the courage and get him removed.

If there is no chance of him leaving off his own steam you have two options. 1.) You call the police when he’s being abusive and file a report against him. With any luck he’ll be given bail restrictions saying he can’t return to the home, which buys you time to get legal advice etc, although I appreciate he might breach conditions and you’ll have to keep calling the police. 2.) You take the children and flee.

OP he will not leave of his own accord. you have to call the police and get rid of him.

as everyone has said, call the police. He assaulted you. Get him out.

Ring the police. Tell them everything and get it all logged. Get him removed. Better late than never and save your children any more of this.
I grew up in a household very similar and the sooner he has gone the sooner you will all start to heal.

OP I know this is terribly terribly hard. No one who has not lived in this kind of situation for years can know the absolute paralysis and exhaustion that comes from continually having to placate that kind of man.

Eventually you will have the strength to leave, I promise. But it will probably take time to gather yourself. You do have your children to think of however - they are soaking this in. They have been soaking this in for years. They are learning how to be in a relationship from watching you and him - and that kind of learning can be hard to undo.

Please please call Womens Aid or message the above poster who works for a national firm with specialist solicitors in the morning. Just do that one thing. Just that one thing tomorrow.

One thing at a time. One foot in front of the other. That’s all you’ve got to do. One foot in front of the other.

Yep call the police. Now.

also equal doesnt mean the same. You both have a property and you will no doubt have dd.

My exH did a lot worse OP and I got rid of him. HD to be courts. You can do it. It feels hopeless but it isn't. The more he breaks I junctions the higher the risk of prison. Don't let him bully you.

Can the police remove him?

His assets flat car pension may add up to more than your house. Either way if you’re the main carer you’ll be entitled to a larger proportion. My friend had 65%

He is threatening and bullying. You do t feel safe

Call the police.

Teens can be witnesses for you.

He is doing this because he can, nobody is stopping him.

Men like this need a wife that hits with a heavy pan. They would only do it once.

@GinkPin

https://solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/

He's just assaulted you in front of your children, by pocking you in the chest and shouting into your face. Call the police, get him away from your children, it's not to late for them to learn that abuse is not acceptable.

One of my biggest fears is how his behaviour might escalate once he realises he has nothing to lose.

Well make sure you're not cooking, cleaning or doing ANYTHING for him. Don't share a bed with him, don't even acknowledge him when he speaks. Make his life worse.

In Scotland the Scottish women's rights centre have an approved list of da solicitors, check for the same where you are. Our husbands are less in a pod so I offer you solidarity. My children are also shamefully damaged. Good luck x

OP please speak to refuge or women’s aid chat, they can help you make a plan with minimal risk

@GinkPin

He will have a lot to lose if you have already spoken to a solicitor and the Police before then.

Have you been able to pick out a suitable law firm using the Law Society database?

Give them a call first thing tomorrow.

https://solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/

@GinkPin inheritance is not a shared asset! the house is yours.

I don't think that applies if you inherit after you are married.

I just don't seem to have fight or flight.
Only freeze
I hate myself for being so weak.

I should have called the police 100 times but something always stops me. I don't even know if it's shame/pity/fear/humiliation or what any more. Or maybe it's to do with not being able to stop the snowball from that point on.

I've been with DH since I was 20. Nearly three decades. It hasn't always been like this - it's insidious and creeps up on you - but it's long enough now to have worn me down and rooted me to the spot. I almost feel 'apart' from how normal people exist, this miserable existence is so entrenched that it feels like it's just my 'lot' now and I watch the world go by from behind a sort of grimy window.

I have PMd the lovely poster who works in a law firm. And i will call someone tomorrow to at least understand my position a little better. I hope that that will spur me on, but I'm not confident.

File for divorce and take this yourself to family court asap.

Family court judge will get him down to size very quickly, they don't suffer fools or arrogant men!

They will look at all assets in marriage including his pension and investments. Inheritance received is considered but isn't automatically a marital asset, It depends on equity and need.

You may well find that it's he who has to pay you. And that in itself will get him to leave swiftly.

My STBEH inherited before we divorced. He doesn't want to share so he keeps it all but I get extra cash to equalise it. You don't have to lose your home.

You’re right to be concerned about an escalation, as typically when ending a relationship you are at a much greater risk. That’s why it is so important you make sure you seek support from a domestic abuse charity, so you can take your next steps in the safest possible way. Have you got anywhere you and the children could go?