DH is hideous but won't leave

[GinkPin]

I'll try to keep this brief as it's more of a question.

DH is a bully. He is verbally abusive, controlling and vile. I've finally had enough but don't know HOW to split up.

He won't leave. We live in my childhood home which is all I have left. My DDad left it to me after I nursed him through years of dementia. I have no siblings/aunts/uncles/family at all. DH has a big flat that he rents out but because my Dads house is worth a (small) amount more than his flat, he is pressuring me to sell it and make me and the DC move just so he can recoup a token amount of money to 'even things up'.

Whilst i do understand that it should be equal - even though the split is entirely down to decades of abusive behaviour - this is cruel and petty and just a way of refusing to move out I think. I have no car and no other assets. I am in debt and have no way of pulling together the money that would redress the value difference in our properties, but until I do he refuses to budge. I have told him I would not want anything from him - he has a pension and car - I have neither. Just to be left to live my life peacefully. He won't go.

Every day is hellish. He rants for hours at me and DD. He calls me names, he has eroded every bit of self-worth I ever had and he has caused DD to really struggle with her mental health. DS and him fare a little better but only because DS is much more passive, and also because DH is a misogynistic twat

The future looks very bleak and dark for me at the moment. I remind myself that at least the DC will eventually forge lives for themselves but he is damaging them every day that we are together and there is no future for me at all as things stand.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and how did you resolve it please? Is selling my home the only thing i can do?

Can someone please clarify what happens if I go to the police with a list of things that he's done? Do they automatically make contact with him? Or can it just be a noted 'on record' without him knowing what I've done?

It's a really strange mental place to be in. Intellectually, I know it's unacceptable and abusive and damaging us all, but because I've been with him SO long, and of course there are 'moments' of that old DH drip fed to me, so a part of me finds the idea of 'snitching' on my oldest, best and only friend and husband absurd, disloyal and unthinkable.

I think what I can cope with today is speaking to a solicitor, so I am going to focus on that.

so a part of me finds the idea of 'snitching' on my oldest, best and only friend and husband absurd, disloyal and unthinkable

Gently - put your children before this monster

Also gently - choose your 'friends' more wisely going forward

Please report him and his abuse to the police

They will fucking arrest him for emotional abuse! Be strong now for your children. Only you can save them from this.

There are occasions when an immediate arrest doesn’t follow, especially if you highlight that being your wish, but only if the risk is manageable.
Also what you’re describing with seeing signs of your old partner is part of the abuse cycle. It typically happens after they’ve been very abusive, as they need to give you a honeymoon period to keep you motivated to stay. Inevitably they can’t maintain the niceness though and tensions build again before there’s a big blow up. You might find these images helpful in terms of understanding your situation and thinking about what might be useless for the police to know.

Remember he’s the reason he’s your ‘only friend’. And that friends don’t poke you in the chest while shouting abuse in your face.

I think you can allow yourself that latest thought process because it's understandable. Wrong of course, but you know that, but understandable.

I think your idea of doing what you can is reasonable.

And if that's just a solicitor today, then, that's fine, but make that call.

Manageable steps are fine.

Good luck

If you are near me I'll come with you.

I had to report someone but all I could cope with was going to look at the police station. I decided I would do that then go and buy chocolate then go home. Something just clicked and I walked in. Asked if I could speak privately and it went from there.

Be your own best friend and be the parent your children need and deserve and go to the police. That is vital.

These info graphics are really accurate for so many women. Op of course there are parts of your husband that you love and care about - if he was only ever awful there wouldn't have even been a second date. So it's ok to feel like you're going to grieve the end of the relationship and like you'll miss those parts of him that you did like and care for. It's just that the good doesn't outweigh the bad any more and he's doing this intentionally because he can. This is why it's so important that you get support from the likes of women's aid who fully get that it's not straightforward and that your feelings about it will be complex so they can help you unpack it all and stay strong. They can also support you to go to the police if you need as can victim support. Right now I think you need to think one step at a time, the first step is just going to the police station or making that call and telling them what's happened. If you think you can do it safely and secretly you could start to make a list of things that have happened/incidents so you don't need to think on the spot. I would personally speak to a solicitor first and bring them to the station with you. That way you can sort two birds with one stone - protecting your home and assets and protecting yourself and your children. They will talk through next steps with you and it might be good to bring a list of your questions too.

They will take a statement from you, then they will speak to any other witnesses involved and evaluate whether they have grounds to arrest him. They'd question him and likely release him on bail with conditions not to come near you and possibly the children depending on whether they were witnesses or victims. If he plead not guilty, a report would be sent to the procurator fiscal who would decide whether to proceed with charges. If so, it would go to court. This can all take a while. It's not pleasant, I'd rather just get rid of him but if he won't go, you've got no other choice. The non harassment order is heaven. My ex hasn't been able to contact me for 4 months and it's so nice.

@GinkPin how are you?

Did you manage to speak to a solicitor? How’s it going?

If you live anywhere near Kingston, Surrey I can give you the details of my solicitor. She was absolutely brilliant. My ex was like yours and had his greedy eyes on my inheritance, never paid a penny towards bills, instead investing in stocks and shares and lots of secret investments. It took 4 years to get rid of him because, like yours, he thinks he is above the law and wouldn't be 'made to do anything'. I managed to keep the house ( which I paid for completely), plus my mum's house that I inherited plus my hard earned pension. I wanted nothing from him. He came out richer financially but I kept what I inherited and that was more important to me. I am comfortable financially but more importantly my kids and I no longer walk on eggshells.

hi @GinkPin

I ended my marriage in November 2022. Like you, I’d been with exH since I was 20 - 21 years. I have a DD and a DS, who were aged 4.5 and 8 when we split.

My exH was abusive - controlling, emotionally abusive, moody and prone to terrifying temper tantrums- smashing and throwing things, pushing and grabbing me (and once DS in June 2022). He hit me around the head and gave me a black eye in November 2015. I’m telling you this so you can see how long it took me to go.

Ending the marriage was horrific. I didn’t have a plan and I just blurted out that we should have some time apart (I had previously said we should separate but he had never listened… for some reason in November he could tell I meant it). He lost the plot completely, screamed abuse at me in front of our terrified children, cleared out our joint accounts of tens of thousands of dollars. He refused to leave the house- eventually we rented a property and we “nested” for months, rotating in and out of the family home, until he got a girlfriend and eventually moved to the rental property full time. The division of assets took a year to negotiate. He was a prick throughout. In the end I bought him out of the family home just before Christmas 2023. I had to pay over the odds for it which was painful but worth it to give my kids stability. We are still not divorced- in NZ which has a mandatory 2 year separation requirement 😵‍💫 I am counting the days.

I had supportive friends emotionally but no real practical or financial support from anyone. Here are my recommendations
(1) have a plan for when you tell him you are separating. Ideally have someone with you. I was terrified by exH’s reaction
(2) take steps to secure your half of any joint funds. If your bank accounts are joint (all of ours were - it took a year to uncouple them as he used them to keep tabs on me) set up a bank account in your name only. Start stashing some cash there if you can.
(3) if you are the primary carer/have supported his career and earn less, it’s very likely a good lawyer will be able to get you a more favourable equity split and you won’t have to pay him. When we first split I naively thought we would come to an amicable arrangement between us 🤪 I was only able to get him to engage with the asset division when I forced it through the lawyers.
(4) get evidence of his abuse if possible. I have photos of me with a black eye, videos of the kitchen in the aftermath of one of his rages (smashed plates, a broomstick handle smashed to smithereens, with my daughters high chair and half full bottle of milk sitting in the middle), videos of him raging and smashing things. He knows I have these. I have not gone to the police but I could at any moment. A police complaint would have catastrophic effects on his career (he’s a lawyer ironically, as am I). The evidence has been useful from that perspective but also for me - I was so used to minimising his behaviour, or forgetting how bad he could be when we were in a period of calm. When I wobbled I would go back and watch them. Try to record him if you can (without him seeing you).

It is 1.5 years on and I am so much happier, I feel like a different person. It has been hard on my kids but they are happier too - our house is calm and peaceful now. I have a wonderful new boyfriend who is safe and calm and loving and reassuring … he would be more likely to grow wings and fly to the moon than throw things at me or call me a fat bitch. I had a lot of therapy and I am still processing why I ended up in that relationship and why I tolerated that shit for so long. But as my therapist said “you are still young - you will have an amazing second phase of your life”. You can too OP - life can be amazing ❤️

I cannot believe these shit men walk amongst us. Well done for finding the strength to leave and create a safe haven for you and your children.
Sending you all the love and positivity, you are a wonderful role model for your children.

OP I hope you can find strength in these stories and leave your husband and have the life you deserve, we are all cheering you on from the sidelines ❤️❤️❤️❤️

OP, I am so sorry that you are in this situation. But you know your situation better than any of us, and if you feel you are not safe or that he is unpredictable or a potential danger to you or DC, you are probably right. You'll know that statistically leaving is the most dangerous time for women in abusive relationships and so, although you absolutely 100% need to leave for you and DC, you need to keep your head right down, seek advice and do it in the safest way possible. Seek advice from Woman's Aid when you can do it without him knowing and try to find a solicitor you can trust to at least give you some initial advice.

I hope you will be able to keep the house and it may be that you can with the assets available, but it may also be that you have to say goodbye to it and move elsewhere to truly be free of him and feel safe, depending on how bad his behaviour gets. Ultimately, however much sentimental value attached, things are just things and people are most important, and the most important thing is finding a safe way to transition you and your DC to a new life where you are safe and not walking on eggshells around an abusive, violent man.

How's it going @GinkPin ?

Report to the police and keep a diary of events, time and date the recording time and event time

Seek help from family and contact solicotrs and or abuse helplines etc

Pre divorce my ExH and I had a similar living arrangement to you. We lived in a house, in joint names, however I paid all of the deposit, moving costs, stamp duty and all of the mortgage repayments. He owned a flat in his sole name which he rented out.

The house was worth double the value of the flat. In our financial settlement, I kept the house (it was transferred into my sole name) and he kept his flat.

My solicitor said that as he had his flat I would not be required to pay him anything to purchase somewhere. Also the main priority is having somewhere for our DC to live.

I would arrange an appointment with a solicitor asap.

We are still here for you OP - if you want to update or need to vent

Just know that people are rooting for you

Hey all

I am still here - thank you all for your stories and private messages.

I have spoken to a solicitor - not the one offered upthread, but a different one who wasn't great tbh. @BibiSuzanne - actually not a million miles at all from you - so yes, that would be amazing please.

I've had a bit of a setback this week - a bereavement. I'm really really sad and needed to give my head a break, but in some ways, it has solidified my determination. Life is short and this is no life.

I will be back with updates and am checking in to read every day. I just don't always have much to say or the energy to engage. I hope you all understand x

This is your thread @GinkPin for you to use as you wish. You don't owe posters anything

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP. Grief is like wading through treacle - just come back when you need to. Wishing you well

I hope everything goes well for you. Your story has stuck in my mind all this time.

I am so sorry for your loss. Life seems to throw so much at us sometimes. I hope you will have good luck with the solicitor Bibisuzanne.