DH is hideous but won't leave

[GinkPin]

I'll try to keep this brief as it's more of a question.

DH is a bully. He is verbally abusive, controlling and vile. I've finally had enough but don't know HOW to split up.

He won't leave. We live in my childhood home which is all I have left. My DDad left it to me after I nursed him through years of dementia. I have no siblings/aunts/uncles/family at all. DH has a big flat that he rents out but because my Dads house is worth a (small) amount more than his flat, he is pressuring me to sell it and make me and the DC move just so he can recoup a token amount of money to 'even things up'.

Whilst i do understand that it should be equal - even though the split is entirely down to decades of abusive behaviour - this is cruel and petty and just a way of refusing to move out I think. I have no car and no other assets. I am in debt and have no way of pulling together the money that would redress the value difference in our properties, but until I do he refuses to budge. I have told him I would not want anything from him - he has a pension and car - I have neither. Just to be left to live my life peacefully. He won't go.

Every day is hellish. He rants for hours at me and DD. He calls me names, he has eroded every bit of self-worth I ever had and he has caused DD to really struggle with her mental health. DS and him fare a little better but only because DS is much more passive, and also because DH is a misogynistic twat

The future looks very bleak and dark for me at the moment. I remind myself that at least the DC will eventually forge lives for themselves but he is damaging them every day that we are together and there is no future for me at all as things stand.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and how did you resolve it please? Is selling my home the only thing i can do?

How do I message you personally?
I am on my phone.
Am I able to write it here. At least it good advertising lol.

@GinkPin

In which way did you feel that the solicitor didn't offer you the help you needed, OP?

Click on the 3 dots to the top right of op’s messages. Then click on PM, which will bring you to private messages.

Not all solicitors are good in my experience. Often it’s better to consult 2 or 3.

The police are sometimes good at giving legal advice (they were with me and they pointed me exactly in the right direction legally as to what steps I could take, steps I took easily once I understood). I think a lot of police stations have specialist domestic abuse specialists; you could ask them and see? Sorry if this is superfluous OP, I haven’t read the whole thread.

I'm cheering you on from the sidelines OP. Many years ago I was in an abusive marriage (ended up in hospital for a week). I was so pathetic I accepted him back in the house as he promised it was the 'last time'. It wasn't.

I've been living a very happy life without him for a long time now, but I still remember the feeling of utter dread when he came home from work. I cannot tell you how wonderful life is without that constant fear (and consequent self loathing).

Whatever it takes to reclaim your life, do it. Short term pain for long term gain. I know this is so much easier said than done.

When you’re ready, please do contact womens aid. It’s exactly this that they exist for and you need a point of contact and support in real life.

Wishing you so much strength.

[email protected]

change the locks when he goes out

I'm sorry for your loss.
I think you are being a bit hard of yourself and need to cut yourself a break.
You don't seem to have a huge network of support, your children's lives are in the area and you understandably don't want to lose the family home your father wanted you to have.
But you clearly are ready and want change now so I wish you all the love and strength you need.

Just didn't seem to have any experience of someone who was abusive. Difficult/greedy etc? Yes. But manipulative and believes they are above the law? Not so much. Her advise was to try mediation and offering stupid remarks like "It's best if you can divide assets and childcare amicably...." No shit. Not happening.

But @BibiSuzanne has shared someone with me who I am going to call.

Thank you all for the ongoing support - it really is spurring me on.

Solicitors are there for the law, not the emotional or mental stuff.

This is quite an odd post. Are you saying that solicitors don’t deal with emotional and mental abuse in marriages?

Can you move into a bedroom you can put a lock on? Get a fridge for you and the dc. Stash your own washing powder etc. He can start his own chores. Log a separation date with your solicitor and possibly claim benefits if appropriate.. I filed for divorce while living with dh. He knew when the letter arrived..

I'm saying that my solicitor wasn't interested much in what h had behaved as. The law is what they have to follow in a divorce for a financial settlement.

OP. You sound amazing. Strong and sane and realistic. I have high hopes for you! I know it won’t be easy but one day you will be sitting in your own PEACEFUL home while he is wherever doing whatever miserable self sabotaging thing he will do.
I have been there. Honestly. Visualise it. You are in a clean calm room, scented candle, your music, your book, your programme, your dinner. Your relaxed children. Your space.
Who is he to control you like this? Well done for posting. You’ve started it so make sure you finish it.

That’s a shame. I divorced exDH because he was abusive in every way and my solicitor was very much interested in how he behaved towards me.

I don't need you to feel it's a shame. He listened but it wasn't relevant in the situation we were in.

Gosh, ok. I was being sympathetic. You’re being very adversarial but at the same time as seemingly expecting everyone to know your situation.

You posted something quite unequivocal about solicitors as if that was the case across the board when it isn’t and then bit my head off when I questioned it.

I’m sorry you had a bad experience with your solicitor but there are solicitors out there now who understand emotional abuse and can act for a client on it. Hopefully, the OP will find one.

I hope you are in a better place now.

Sorry @ChockysChimichanga . I was feeling protective of my solicitor who has done a sterling job and I've had a shit week so I'm not myself . Apologies.

Solicitors are there for the law, yes but it's imperative that they understand the dynamics of domestic abuse. For example anyone who's informed on dv will understand that mediation is pointless and dangerous for a dv situation. Mediation can only work when you've two parties of equal power. In dv there's an unequal power divide and fear, mediation could be further used to exploit and abuse a victim of dv and should not be recommended. It's important that Solicitors understand the inner working of dv in order to use the law in the best way possible to keep op safe. That means understanding the emotional and mental impact it has.

We absolutely didn't have a four way meeting due to ex h actions - not DV but tbh I'd rather he had just hit me than what he did say and do.

Hope the next solicitor is more understanding and gives you the help you need

Keep going - you have begun the journey to a happier life

This doesn’t matter. Pensions, property investments and the value of the last teaspoon are all part of the marital pot so both properties plus his pension and your pension etc will be put in the “pot”
Does he own the property with or without a mortgage
He might insist on a payoff from your house, but depending on the percentage awarded it could be that you keep the house but he gets to keep a bit more of his pension or any investments he has

It could be argued that the property you live in is inherited so exempt from being put in the marital pot or only a percentage of the property might be considered a marital asset.

Call women’s aid and see a good solicitor that understands about domestic violence and abuse and you might be surprised at what you could get and what you can do

All abusive men think they are above the law and have it figured out what they will give you on divorce
It comes as a shock when they find out it is a judge who decides what the split will be

Www.rightsofwomen.org.uk

Hope you’re ok OP