DH is hideous but won't leave

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I'll try to keep this brief as it's more of a question.

DH is a bully. He is verbally abusive, controlling and vile. I've finally had enough but don't know HOW to split up.

He won't leave. We live in my childhood home which is all I have left. My DDad left it to me after I nursed him through years of dementia. I have no siblings/aunts/uncles/family at all. DH has a big flat that he rents out but because my Dads house is worth a (small) amount more than his flat, he is pressuring me to sell it and make me and the DC move just so he can recoup a token amount of money to 'even things up'.

Whilst i do understand that it should be equal - even though the split is entirely down to decades of abusive behaviour - this is cruel and petty and just a way of refusing to move out I think. I have no car and no other assets. I am in debt and have no way of pulling together the money that would redress the value difference in our properties, but until I do he refuses to budge. I have told him I would not want anything from him - he has a pension and car - I have neither. Just to be left to live my life peacefully. He won't go.

Every day is hellish. He rants for hours at me and DD. He calls me names, he has eroded every bit of self-worth I ever had and he has caused DD to really struggle with her mental health. DS and him fare a little better but only because DS is much more passive, and also because DH is a misogynistic twat

The future looks very bleak and dark for me at the moment. I remind myself that at least the DC will eventually forge lives for themselves but he is damaging them every day that we are together and there is no future for me at all as things stand.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and how did you resolve it please? Is selling my home the only thing i can do?

The Rights of Women might be able to help on the legal side.

This is a police matter op. He is abusing his children.

The good news is you have decided to put a stop to it.

You can do that today. You can call the police. You can call womens aid. You can see a solicitor. Or you can simply get the ball rolling and apply for a divorce on line. It's as easy as applying for a tax disc.

Good luck and well done on the first step to a happier future for you and your children.

@Aquamarine1029 gathering solid information and garnering a support network is the first step in taking action which is what Op is doing here now. Op is entitled to leave in the way that is safest for her and her children. Not because you say it needs to be yesterday. None of us know her situation better than Op herself.

I could have written this. Years of abuse by husband. He lived in my family home that was left to me. Paid in full. Do his control/drinking/gambling we ended up with a mortgage of 80k on the property. He refused to move out when the marriage ended and lived as an abusive 'lodger' in the spare room. Opting out of anything to do with kids and tormenting me. He also smashed up most of the stuff in the house.

Police did very little. In the end he left because i told him i was going to apply for a dv order to get him removed or go to a refuge. Luckily his pride and how he was percieved by people allowed this to persuede him and he left.

7 years on and the post separation abuse is horrific. Think of everything you can... hes done it.

When it came to going to court to sort the finances he dragged it out for 4 years telling me id run out of money b4 him. After 18k on legal fees i was using food banks and was too ill to work.

Basically they added up 'the pot' which was property and pension and started at 50/50. It didnt matter that i inherited the house and he never paid a penny towards it or the kids when he left.

Eventually i represented myself at the final hearing and i was given 60% of the equity in the house and 30% of his police pension to be paid age 60. He fought me to the penny. But im now in the process of moving into our own house and the financial break from him is priceless.

Debts (ours was 27k) were meant to be split but were left to me as he took out a loan right b4 the final hearing for same amount stating it was for legal fees and judge decided that meant it was 50/50 split. Im guessing he paid off the loan immediately after the court order was made.

He also got the family car.

Good luck OP you will get some freedom one day, but it will take time.

He lived in the spare room fir 2 years. Refusing to go.

Can you hide some cameras OP so you've got evidence of his behaviour? Then you can go to the Police. I've got one to watch the dogs in the kitchen at night, it was about £30 from Amazon. I'm just thinking of the documentary that was on recently about the man who was being abused by his wife.

Contact Women's Aid. They can support you emotionally and mentally. They could possibly also guide you to more sympathetic solicitors.

Everything goes into the pot to be split so his car, pension and flat, the rental income (and any savings) needs to be added to your house value. He might decide to leave your house alone if you agree not to touch his pension for instance. If he doesn't have the children 50% then he has to pay cms - the children sound old enough to have their choice taken into account - would they want to be with him at weekends etc?

I believe once you start the divorce and can prove separate finances/bill paying equally, plus you stop doing his laundry, food shopping, cooking etc, you might be able to claim UC as a single person. Even if you don't qualify for money it might help in other ways such as free prescriptions etc.

Have a one off consultation with a solicitor as knowledge is power. Contact the police and ask their advice regarding what to do if he kicks off as he is already highly abusive verbally and mentally. It puts him on their radar if you need to seek urgent police support if he ramps up the abuse.

Keep posting if you need to vent, we are listening

Did you post about this a couple of years ago? It rings a bell. If so, have you still got access to the flat which needed work? If no, sorry, ignore the above.

Please speak to WA as soon as you can. You can’t wait this out.

You will likely get legal aid to fund a solicitor as it’s domestic violence so please do find a family lawyer who takes on legal aid work.

They can help get you an occupation order which would see him booted out the house. If he breached it it becomes a criminal matter so you can call the police to arrest him if he tried anything.

Please find the strength and courage to get away from this man. If not for you, for your children.

If you owned the house before you married or was specifically left to you he is not entitled to any of it. This is what I discovered during my similar divorce and my exH had to move out. Consult a solicitor now. Know your rights.

This isn’t true if the house has been the family home. Any mixing of assets will mean it’s considered the family pot but doesn’t mean OP can’t necessarily stay there. Will all depend on what she and the kids needs and what other available assets there are.

oP does need legal advice

Get legal advice. I believe if you have care of the children you can get more than a 50/50 split so may not have to sell. You have claim to half his house car and pension and he will have responsibility for half your debt I believe.

Speak to woman's aid and police about getting him out it is possible as he is abusive. Then- depending on legal advice- sit tight till you get paperwork from his solicitor and keep asking questions of the solicitor and make it clear you want half his pension etc. When he realises the cost of the legal fees and the minimal gain he may agree to your terms. I tried to divorce my nasty ex and was spending hundreds in solicitor letters as he was arguing he wanted half my house- half the value of the house the idiot didn't understand equity. Anyway I gave up and stayed married after paying £5K. A few years later it's ex paying the solicitor fees and having taken legal advice is more reasonable but still wanting a payout- I said I'd go for half his pension if he goes for my house and as we have a significantly disabled child I have full time care of and now can't work im thinking spousal maintenance too- now he's wanting a clean break.

Still here. Have skimmed responses but will go through properly when I have space. He's just been prodding my chest with his angry face pushed into my face telling me I'm a disgrace and I've destroyed my children

In front of DS

DS was asking him to stop and he said "sorry mate but your mother needs to know what she's done"

I hate him

So I'll look through this thread properly in a bit. To those who asked, I really don't have anyone at all. No family and no 'suitable' friends. I've isolated myself (by choice) because I couldn't cope with socialising given the unpredictable Bayreuth of my moods based on what was happening at home. So it just became too hard.

I work freelance so don't have a boss or HR or anything like that. I feel completely alone.

Not if you have equity in the house you wont. Even with DV proof.

Why does it come as no surprise that he had a police pension?

Two words. Matrimonial solicitor.

Find out where you stand legally.

Will help you see more clearly.

He is assaulting you. Call the police.

He's just been prodding my chest with his angry face pushed into my face telling me I'm a disgrace and I've destroyed my children

This is assault.

He's assaulted you in front of your son.

He's your abuser and by abusing you in front of the children he is abusing them too. And director abusing them emotionally from what you say.

You need to call the police.

I'm so sorry you and your children are in this position OP 😔 you sound like you are physically afraid of him, please know you can call the police if he is prodding/pushing you, especially in front of your children. Tell the police that you are afraid of him. Get in touch with Women's Aid too, they can advise you of your next step. A solicitor specialising in divorce will definitely have dealt with situations like yours before. I know it's really scary to take the plunge and separate but I promise you it will be worth it. Keep your focus on the peace filled future without him and what a relief it will be. Sending you a hug and strength for the next bit 💐

Hi OP.
I would call the police. You and your child are not safe. Get the ball rolling. So sorry for what he is putting you through.

I would absolutely consult a solicitor - I was speaking to a family law solicitor at a networking event who said that for a SAHM the default split is often more 70/30 than 50/50 so 50/50 isn’t always default. Equally if he has pensions etc that usually counts towards total assets. If you would be happy to have the home and he gets his flat and pension you may be able to get somewhere!
But ultimately, you need to contact the police and kick him out. I hope you’re doing ok x

Well he has just given you what you can use. He has physical assaulted you. You and your kids are not safe, are you? Call the police.

Call the police for fuck’s sake and get him arrested. This is assault. Change the locks, chuck his stuff out. Get bail conditions for him to stay away. Protect your kids from seeing any more of this

POLICE.

Solicitor.

You shouldn't give a flying fuck uf he acts like he's above the lae. It will hit him hard.

Try to record his nonsense but don't worry unduly. He'll hang himself sure enough.

Talk to women's aid anc get rid of him.

Tomorrow call solicitors until you find one who can help immediately with practical stuff and getting him out.