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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husbands friendship group are cheaters

396 replies

Sunseasand1 · 16/05/2024 10:51

My husband has come back from a weekend away with friends and family last month, where one of the group ended up having an affair, which resulted in the end of his longstanding marriage, and a second friend cheated. None of this information was offered by my husband, who said he was trying to protect them.
I am certain my husband was faithful.
Problem being they are planning another weekend away with the group of girls they met, one of whom is now the new gf of his family member.
My husband is now the only member of the group with a wife, and doesn’t want to miss the weekend away with his family members, one of whom lives abroad. But surely I’m right to be worried and upset about this.

OP posts:
datcherygrateful · 17/05/2024 17:18

I'm quite concerned about OP- wonder if she has had a chat with him and what BS he's thrown back at her

Isthisit22 · 17/05/2024 17:23

Chaiilatte · 16/05/2024 11:28

Erm yeah it would be a hard no from me. Obviously it's his choice to make at the end of the day but his shit would be packed and the locks would be changed on his return. I'm not a mug.

This.

Furrylittlesweetpotatoes · 17/05/2024 19:02

datcherygrateful · 17/05/2024 17:18

I'm quite concerned about OP- wonder if she has had a chat with him and what BS he's thrown back at her

Me too.

tbh if my husband had even suggested this he would be out the door.

Slimy creeps the lot of them!

Didimum · 17/05/2024 19:10

Big no from me. I would accept this in my marriage. It’s beyond inappropriate for a married person.

MsDogLady · 17/05/2024 21:40

What are you thinking about it all, @Sunseasand1?

GreyCarpet · 18/05/2024 08:16

MsDogLady · 17/05/2024 05:35

I am just upset my husband can’t realise him putting himself in this situation, and causing me upset is an issue.

@Sunseasand1, your H is well aware of the inappropriateness, but isn’t going to admit that. There’s a reason he is marginalizing you.

First he lied by omission about the presence of the much younger women and the cheating. Now you are being excluded from the next celebration, even though it will be mixed company, and the men include your husband, in-laws, and close friends. He is disrespecting you and dismissing your feelings.

During the previous weekend, sleazy behavior prevailed, two men cheated (that you know of), and a marriage was nuked. Instead of being so repulsed that he refuses to be a part of that scene, this married 40 year old who colluded to keep the secrets is now pushing to continue partying with the 20 year olds. He can’t wait to jump back in and you are persona non grata.

Honestly, I would tell him that keeping his marriage won’t be an option if he goes on that weekend. Even if he doesn't, I would have already lost respect and trust in his values and boundaries. And his attraction to such juvenile validation would give me the ick.

Edited

This.

The fact he's even considering it would be enough for me.

MSengineer · 20/05/2024 06:34

Question, so women are invited, but you're not? Nope

PuggyPuggyPuggy · 20/05/2024 06:38

Group of people going away together (and some or all of them being couples) is a thing.

Group of blokes going away together (and their other halves not going) is a thing.

Group of blokes going away together to meet up with a group of women they met that one time? Yeah, no. That doesn't sound like a thing.

Lighteningstrikes · 20/05/2024 06:45

Obviously the one getting divorced is going.
Is the one that cheated going?

My DH would be told to not come back if he went.

RecycleMePlease · 20/05/2024 06:47

I never would have thought my ex would cheat... Then he fell in with a group who habitually did, and took drugs, and laughed about it all and were disparaging of their partners back home etc.

I still blame him for cheating obviously, but if he'd got a different group of friends, I don't think it would have happened.

Tahoma72 · 20/05/2024 06:58

I think you're over thinking this. If you do not think he is cheating let him do what he wants to do. People telling you that you should be worried are just verbalising their own insecurities. If you went you would alter the group dynamic. To be honest you will probably find the group dynamic will be ruined with the new group of girls that are joining them and they wont go again. . . Personally I think its refreshing and fun to go away without your partner sometimes. You should take advantage of this and plan a few trips away with your friends or family 😊

Awarenessisthekey1 · 20/05/2024 07:06

PacoJazz · 16/05/2024 11:57

I love your answer

Show quote history

This answer.

Wells25 · 20/05/2024 07:35

Definitely not ! They all need to grow up.

My husband recently met up with an old friend for beer, first time they met was fine. Second time he brought a lady he had had an affair with. He then suggested the next they go out out she bought one of her friends too!
My husband just said no why would I want to do that I'm married so I don't need a blind date!

AmberLion · 20/05/2024 07:43

Your DH is completely taking the P!! Its very unreasonable for him to even want to go & I defs wouldn't want to go either. I'd be straight out telling him you don't want him to go, & these are the reasons why. I'd be seriously rethinking the relationship if he can't see it from your point of view.
I'd also be more than a bit shitty that he didn't tell you about the goings on at the last trip - Very suss imo.

5128gap · 20/05/2024 07:50

Your husband is happy to collude with his mates' cheating. Your husband is happy to go on holiday with a group of random girls that doesn't include you. If your husband isn't cheating on you, I think you need to add 'so far' to that. Because in a group culture where its the norm and in an environment that may present an opportunity, I'd not rate the odds very high of him declining if anyone was interested in him. Oh, and its worth remembering that you 'not thinking he's cheating' and deciding to 'trust him' will have zero impact on whether he cheats or not. In fact its likely to make you more vulnerable to lies and gaslighting. This is a situation where a level of mistrust is sensible.

Violet1964 · 20/05/2024 07:57

It's not a lads holiday if there are going to be other woman there. I would be asking if I could go as well. There really isn't any reason for you not to be able to go unless something has gone on....

1to10andbackagain · 20/05/2024 08:02

Unfortunately your husband is in with a group who have normalised cheating and lying so your husband will by association think that's all ok . Your voice will be very small compared to them . If he can't see that this is ok , and his family being involved in this belief makes it even harder .
You've told him your ( very normal ) belief and don't need to say anymore
I'm so sorry OP . It's a horrible situation

Curlyelli · 20/05/2024 08:11

Wow, I'm in a similar situation. I found out my husbands boy holiday is actually a holiday for a woman's birthday all her friends and some of his mates. We've been fighting on and off for a month since I found out. ( which I saw on a group chat for this so called holiday) I told him it's out of order. In the in I'm going!!!! Everyone else isn't happy, especially the birthday girl, who thinks I'm well out of order and I just don't want him to have fun lol she's 40! I also found out she was telling my husband I don't really want yo be with him and I'm just trying to control him by not wanting him to go. Once I found this out I told him there's no way your going near these women n especially her on this holiday. His friends ain't happy now because I'm coming. Because they wanted a boys thing....but it wasn't a boys thing was it? 2 of this 3 guys have a girlfriend n a wife. Which they also decided not to tell about these women going. The girlfriend knows now n he just told her he's going. This birthday girl once worked with my husband. He said he told her he loves me and would never leave me. I just don't trust her ! Also this break will be super awkward now because everyone is in the same hotel. Overtime I ask my husband why he hasn't cut this women off yet especially about what she said about me, we end up in a fight. It's draining.

WildHaks · 20/05/2024 08:18

Sunseasand1 · 16/05/2024 10:51

My husband has come back from a weekend away with friends and family last month, where one of the group ended up having an affair, which resulted in the end of his longstanding marriage, and a second friend cheated. None of this information was offered by my husband, who said he was trying to protect them.
I am certain my husband was faithful.
Problem being they are planning another weekend away with the group of girls they met, one of whom is now the new gf of his family member.
My husband is now the only member of the group with a wife, and doesn’t want to miss the weekend away with his family members, one of whom lives abroad. But surely I’m right to be worried and upset about this.

If they are taking their girlfriends why are you not going. If it's a guys day out then fine but if they are taking a partner then you should go. Never say never. Just be prepared to accept the fact he may be cheating. It's not easy to explain in a few words and this is for another time.

WildHaks · 20/05/2024 08:19

Just remember a person is more likely to cheat if you don't trust them in the first place. That's what phycologist will tell you

Lavenderblue11 · 20/05/2024 08:19

How would DH feel if you were going away with a bunch of your mates who were all cheating on their partners, to meet up with a bunch of guys? I don't think he would be best pleased. He's taking the piss, I wouldn't be surprised if he's got a girlie lined up for him too.

Ann1964 · 20/05/2024 08:26

OMG. This sounds nothing short of a stag weekend...(without the Groom and taking the booty with them for convenience)

How totally bizarre and disrespectful of your husband to think this is acceptable.

He's taking the p*.

Sceptical123 · 20/05/2024 08:37

Sunseasand1 · 16/05/2024 11:20

I’m not upset I’m not going, or not invited.
I don’t know these girls, but the fact 2 of them jumped into bed with two of the lads, ruined a marriage etc. I just don’t think many of them, lads or girls, have good intentions.
I am just upset my husband can’t realise him putting himself in this situation, and causing me upset is an issue.

Show quote history

He probably does OP, he just doesn’t care.

He’ll gaslight you into thinking it’s your problem and he has every right to go etc. You both know he wouldn’t be ok if the tables were turned and would either stop you going or punish you in the run up or your return with silent treatment or other horrible behaviour.

It will also be a question of “Don’t you trust me?!”

Youre in a bad situation OP bc I imagine he’ll go with or without your consent - he won’t give a toss his friend/family member cheated and if he’s pissed up and away from home it’s unlikely he’d stay faithful given the opportunity himself. You already know what happened the previous time with illicit shagging. If they’re close family and friends no one’s likely to grass him up.

This is also likely to be a regular occurrence with the same group of women for other bdays and lads holidays. Consider whether you want to arrange some girls holidays away from your husband or whether you actually want to stay married to someone who clearly doesn’t give a shit about your feelings 💐

Sceptical123 · 20/05/2024 08:46

Curlyelli · 20/05/2024 08:11

Wow, I'm in a similar situation. I found out my husbands boy holiday is actually a holiday for a woman's birthday all her friends and some of his mates. We've been fighting on and off for a month since I found out. ( which I saw on a group chat for this so called holiday) I told him it's out of order. In the in I'm going!!!! Everyone else isn't happy, especially the birthday girl, who thinks I'm well out of order and I just don't want him to have fun lol she's 40! I also found out she was telling my husband I don't really want yo be with him and I'm just trying to control him by not wanting him to go. Once I found this out I told him there's no way your going near these women n especially her on this holiday. His friends ain't happy now because I'm coming. Because they wanted a boys thing....but it wasn't a boys thing was it? 2 of this 3 guys have a girlfriend n a wife. Which they also decided not to tell about these women going. The girlfriend knows now n he just told her he's going. This birthday girl once worked with my husband. He said he told her he loves me and would never leave me. I just don't trust her ! Also this break will be super awkward now because everyone is in the same hotel. Overtime I ask my husband why he hasn't cut this women off yet especially about what she said about me, we end up in a fight. It's draining.

I hate to say it but it sounds like this was a cover, especially if they were all going to stay in the same hotel! So she USED to work with him but is now inviting him on holiday without you?!

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 to you for saying you’re going with! 😄👍🏻

What was his excuse when you found out it wasn’t exclusively a lads holiday - that he knew you’d over-react?! 🙄 priceless

He tried to deceive you saying it was a boys holiday - it wasn’t - he was invited by a woman - he can’t even say he met them by chance - it was never a boys holiday. What else is he lying to you about?

It does sound draining if you have to keep him under constant close watch bc he lies to you in this specific area. Is it worth it?

WhoamI2say · 20/05/2024 08:50

So they are going away with a group of girls they met on a trip. But one of them is also a girlfriend of one of the lads. It's doesn't matter that she knows the rest of the girls. If he is taking his girlfriend, your husband can take his wife. Also, under peer pressure, things happen that people may end up regretting. Is the ratio of boys to girls equal on that weekend away? If yes you need to do a bit more digging. If your husband did cheat you wouldn't know because his friends will keep his secret like he kept theirs. The only time you will probably find out is when he hits you with divorce papers because he has made connection with a woman in that group. Remember, anything can happen over a cup of coffee and this is a whole weekend away with girls whose intentions you do not know. The best of men can slip up. There is a difference between trusting someone and being blind to the situation. Have you ever noticed how women always cry and say I wasn't expecting him to cheat, I trusted him. Make sure that's not you. Also there is a saying birds of a feather.....