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Original poster

Fiancé bought a STI kit after stag do

364 replies

Soconfused2 · 16/05/2024 00:57

I saw an email over my fiances shoulder from an online pharmacy for an sti kit, a week after he got back from his stag do. I never ever thought I’d be the type of woman who wouldn’t say anything / confront him but we are less than 2 weeks out from our wedding and I don’t know how to approach the subject. One minute I’m convincing myself he purchased it for someone else and the next I’m beside myself not knowing what to do / how I’m supposed to marry him. How should I bring it up?! What do I say?!

OP posts:
BustyLee · 16/05/2024 11:04

Soconfused2 · 16/05/2024 01:10

I already feel like an idiot. Of course I know he didn’t buy it for someone else but I just don’t want to believe that he would do that to me :-( I can’t explain the emotions I’m feeling at the moment and I’m so hurt and scared, this is going to completely change my life. I didn’t say anything at the time as in that split second I knew it was all over and I’m not ready to accept that. I have never ever understood women who stay with their partners after they cheat but now I realise why 😥

Oh no, op. There aren't words to describe what you must be feeling. I think everybody's heart goes out to you. This is so so gross. I really get that you are not ready to accept that it's over - you are in shock, there is so much shame attached to stuff like this (there shouldn't be) because you have to cancel a wedding and then become the butt of everybody else's gossip. BUT you have to be brave. You have to start by telling SOMEONE you know - parents, a sibling, best friend and they will hopefully help you through this.

generella · 16/05/2024 11:04

Don't marry with the idea you will get divorced 'in a bit'. You deserve a first marriage with someone worthwhile who values you.

ukgot2pot · 16/05/2024 11:05

"this is going to completely change my life".

But if you marry him, that will change your life way more. It doesn't feel like it now, but this is a blessing in disguise. Imagine finding out after you got married.

SherrieElmer · 16/05/2024 11:07

Have you dumped the bastard already? I hope you have.
There is no coming back from this.

Pancakeorcrepe · 16/05/2024 11:08

Oh sweetheart! What an awful, awful situation. You are worth so much more than this. Please don’t stay with this man, you cannot build a future in a relationship like this. He is a dirty gross pig and I hope he regrets it forever.

CheeseSandwichRiskAssessment · 16/05/2024 11:10

I agree you need to tell someone in real life so they can help you cancel, you shouldn't have to shoulder the entire burden. Also they come in anonymous packaging, there's no way he was ordering it for someone else. I do know you understand this and can only imagine how hard it is for you!

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 16/05/2024 11:13

caringcarer · 16/05/2024 07:57

This. Thank goodness you found out before you married a cheat. Go and get yourself tested and ask him to move out. If he truly loved you he wouldn't have cheated on you. He's a pig for doing this. You have 2 weeks left to cancel the wedding and if you've booked a honeymoon you go and take a friend with you. I hope you have good parents and friends around you in real life. Tell your parents and friends what he did. Don't protect him from what he's done. This is all his fault.

Show quote history

^^This.

I'm so sorry for you, @Soconfused2, I understand how you must be feeling, so close to the wedding, your life turned upside down. But truly, truly, in a way you are lucky to have discovered this now, before the wedding, despite the pain you're in at the moment. Cancelling the wedding, though traumatic now, will save you massive amounts of heartache and misery before you then have to get a divorce if you go through with the marriage knowing what you know.
Please confide in family and trusted friends, they'll help you with this. Good luck.

MyFirstLittlePony · 16/05/2024 11:13

What a sad wedding it is going to be

cut your losses

try and cancel the cake/event

tell your parents and friends

right now it does not feel real because nobody else knows yet

if this happened to your best friend. what advice would you gives her?

Start telling people. start taking actions and start taking control

BobbyBiscuits · 16/05/2024 11:14

How stupid of him. Trying to be subtle was he? Could he not go to a clinic? Anyway he must have symptoms else why get the kit. He clearly cheated on the stag. If it was one off, his mates bought him a hooker, some grim shit like that. Would you forgive him? It could be that he's having a long term affair or sleeping with several people. What a mess.
You have to confront him and tell him you saw. Then I guess either hear him out or just leave him. Sorry, it's really horrible for you I'm sure. You don't deserve this.

LordPercyPercy · 16/05/2024 11:15

I hate to ask but has he had unprotected sex with you since he returned?

ohnoi · 16/05/2024 11:17

This is horrible for you OP I'm sorry
For me I think I'd have to cancel it all I'd be disgusted but I know things are more complicated than that easy answer so maybe I'd say
a. He must tell you everything and tell you the absolute truth right now
or
b. Wedding is off and he's dumped for good

If he did this though do you really think it's the first time or will be the last?

Kesio · 16/05/2024 11:18

don’t bring children into this situation op

ohnoi · 16/05/2024 11:19

Pressure from mates or not this is gross

TheBestEverMouse · 16/05/2024 11:23

OP. I really feel for you. You were paralysed in the moment and now you don't know what to do. But you do know you have to have this conversation because if you need to cancel the wedding the sooner the better.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's a horrible betrayal. In a way it's good it happened before the wedding so you aren't lumbered with a cheating shit for life. But the disrespect he showed you by having unprotected sex with a stranger on his stag do is unforgivable. Has he tried to initiate sex since the stag do?

ChangeAgain2 · 16/05/2024 11:24

Call off the wedding. I married my first husband and I knew in my heart something wasn't right. I couldn't have the marriage annulled. I had to stay married for a year before I could divorce him. I was also incredibly embarrassed because people had come, brought presents and given up their time to attend a farce. Cancel the wedding. You will lose money but it's better to do it now than to go through with it.

OlderandwiserMaybe · 16/05/2024 11:27

WinterMorn · 16/05/2024 01:02

You say “why are you buying an STI kit?”. It’s as simple as that. If you genuinely feel you can’t ask this, given all that is at stake, do not get married. It really is that black and white.

Edited

Just this..... It really is that simple.
How he reacts to you - and what he says about buying the kit will literally tell you all you need to know.
If you can't confront him about something this important you have to start asking yourself why not.

SendNoodles · 16/05/2024 11:28

What a shock. It will be tough, but take the hit of canceling the wedding now and save yourself a lifetime of stress.

He didn't order that kit for a friend. Let's pretend he did though. Then that means he is perfectly happy helping one of his friends cover up cheating. He's awful either way (obvs one is much worse in degree than the other).

SiobhanSharpe · 16/05/2024 11:30

Do you think he would tell you if his STI test is positive?
If not, this is something else for you to consider. (And evidenc of yet more truly awful behaviour)
So please get tested yourself for the sake of your future health. Even chlamydia, not considered to be unduly serious by some, can have devastating consequences on your reproductive health.

Catsmere · 16/05/2024 11:39

Viviennemary · 16/05/2024 08:57

Yes. But for every man that gets caught out there's ten more that don't get caught. IMHO.

Show quote history

Getting caught doesn't improve his moral worth. He's not testing because he's responsible. If he was responsible, or even a halfway decent man, he wouldn't have been fucking anyone else in the first place.

DodoTired · 16/05/2024 11:40

Im so sorry OP. You know deep inside what it means. Hugs to you

TossieFleacake · 16/05/2024 11:51

What a shit situation OP.
What an arsehole he is to behave like this so close to your wedding.
If he is prepared to behave like this now, he's honestly not going to get better.

It takes a brave person to cancel a wedding so close to the date.
Be brave.

Getonwitit · 16/05/2024 11:51

OP i am so sorry this is happening but please do not lie to yourself. You know he has cheated. Marry him and you will set yourself up for a life of hell.
Now is the time to put a stop to this madness. Your family and friends would rather you cancelled the wedding now than had to divorce later. Nobody would want you to marry a man that has no respect for you or one that would put your health at risk.
Please have the respect for yourself.

poppymango · 16/05/2024 11:55

I am begging you to cancel the wedding. Any friend or family member who tries to convince you to stay with this man after knowing your reasons needs to give their head a wobble.

He cheated, possibly not for the first time, and if he's done it once he will 100% do it again. There will never be any trust. Please get out while you can.

NeedToChangeName · 16/05/2024 11:55

DifficultBloodyWoman · 16/05/2024 01:37

It is easier to cancel a wedding than get divorced.

Agree with this

I'm so sorry OP. You must be gutted

HootyMcBooby · 16/05/2024 11:56

Leave this man, and do it for your future self who will thank you.
Future you will have a lifetime of worry, betrayal, heartbreak and hassle. Don't let yourself become her.

For a short term upheaval, a little embarrassment and probably financial loss, you will avoid so much more. Look at the sunk costs as the fee you are paying to rid yourself of this scumbag.

5 years down the road you will be thanking yourself.