Fiancé bought a STI kit after stag do

[Soconfused2]

I saw an email over my fiances shoulder from an online pharmacy for an sti kit, a week after he got back from his stag do. I never ever thought I’d be the type of woman who wouldn’t say anything / confront him but we are less than 2 weeks out from our wedding and I don’t know how to approach the subject. One minute I’m convincing myself he purchased it for someone else and the next I’m beside myself not knowing what to do / how I’m supposed to marry him. How should I bring it up?! What do I say?!

Agree.

My friend went through with a wedding under similar circumstances because she didn't want to "disappoint her family " and "lose money." And wasted nearly 20 years of her life, and set herself up for financial misery, in the process.

Canceling the wedding will be a one-week topic of interest to everyone but you. Don't let worry about others' opinions sway your decision making.

Come back and let us know how you are doing op? And if you decide to stay with him well that's okay. You will just need to find your peace with it somehow. But at least have a conversation about it

I'm so sorry OP.

But the 90-day rule is out of date. I went a month later and everything (including HIV) came back negative.

The sort of man who acts like this at his stag do is the sort of man who ,when you go through tough times in your relationship, when you are pregnant ,when you have young children, is likely to do similar in the future, I hate to say. If you can’t be faithful to the woman you are about to get married to , when your love is all shiny and happy and uncomplicated, then you will struggle to be faithful to the woman covered in baby sick !

Sadly, OP, that’s spot on.

How awful for you op. I can understand your shock and confusion especially so close to the wedding. But please don't go ahead with it purely to save face. This is your life we're talking about. People will understand if the wedding is off, especially when you tell them the sickening reason why.

He is a pig.

@bignosebignose

I didn't say the test took 90 days. I said that the HIV test can take up to 90 days to show positive. So you might get a clear test immediately after you have been infected but the antibodies won't show up for up to 90 days after you have been exposed. That is why there is repeat testing for HIV to be sure that somebody has not been infected. That first test is not determinative. If you don't know something it might be best not to comment or correct others.

He'll probably just say that mate x got drunk and shagged a sex worker or random, that he can't have the kit delivered to his own house because of his wife /gf and that he, being the great guy he is, got it for him.

Whether that is anything approaching the truth, is another matter.

(I'm sure most people could get a relative to have a kit delivered to them, or get it delivered to work, or a collection point if they were desperate to avoid a partner not seeing it).

Also that would mean they cover up for infidelity among their group.

The very fact that no gossip etc has come your way about this stage do via the men on it and their partners ....which is what usually happens, the men blab, their partners get angry, they talk to the other partners if they know them ..... Means these guys are a certain level of cheaters and betrayers; not the low level ones who don't much but feel guilty and can't keep it from their partners and blab; which is what I've seen stag do attendees often do. They're the higher level, discrete, water tight ones.

Either that or the partners haven't told you because they don't want to be accused of "destroying" a relationship and causing a wedding not to happen.

Oh Op. what a horrible situation, I don’t think I could forgive someone for threatening my health in that way. Your wedding day will now be ruined regardless, you’ll be looking at his mates and wondering if they know and the stag pretty much is always brought up in some way or other (like in speeches). I hope you have real life support (maybe also check your wedding insurance if you have it to see if they’ll cover a cancellation or postponement.) and sadly do get yourself an sti test too.

Duplicate post

I've already acknowledged that I misunderstood, and even in my original response I didn't say I was certain. But TBH your wording was a little unclear, it doesn't take 90 days for the test to show positive, it takes 90 days to be confident that taking a test at that point will give a reliable result. Anyway, I'm out.

Hi OP, I am in my 50s and in my experience when cheating men are challenged they lie on a wholesale basis. You should ask him straight away and be very sceptical of any answers he provides.

Then take time to think carefully around what you want to happen next. I know it is frightening but you should no go ahead with a wedding unless you are absolutely certain that you can and should.

I am really sorry this is happening to you.

For anyone that is confused about HIV tests so we can stop going back and forth on that one.

Aw you poor thing, I can only imagine the whirl of emotions you are going through right now.

You'll have to confront him you can't marry him.

There is no way he had 'bought it for someone else'

Oh OP I'm sorry - what a horrible thing to happen just before your wedding.

It would be easy to persuade yourself of some line and bury your head in the sand. Cancelling a wedding can feel overwhelmingly impossible. It feels momentous, embarrassing, shameful, like you're letting people down. You also have to re-write what your future looks like. I can completely understand how hard that feels.

But this is your ONE life. This man has cheated on you and done it without taking precautions. It's shit, but you can't turn the clock back, so be strong OP and look out for your future.

Can you get a copy of his order from his email? Evidence so you don't have to do the ridiculous "No i didn't" charade?

You confront him, if he says it's for his mate you tell him to call his mate right there and then put the phone on speaker phone and ask his mate infront of you "how did the STD test go?".

Because if you marry someone who is going to be cheating and lying to you it's going to be a painful ride of a marriage that you may want to avoid.

Don't marry him. All his mates on the stag do will know and they'll tell their girlfriends, you'll look like an idiot so make him look like one first and dump the fool

Do exactly this OP.

Sounds like a good idea but a lot of friends cover for eachother even if they have no idea what they're talking about he will probably go a long with it just in case

The most important thing in any relationship is honesty.
Yet you don't feel comfy asking him about it?
Just ask him. If he gets all argumentative, cancel the wedding.

TBH I'd cancel the wedding anyway. Better the fall out of that than a marriage where you feel you can't ask him an important question.

I’m sorry you’re in this situation. I think you need to decide before you speak to him what you want to do going forward. What explanation could he give that you would be satisfied with? What could he say that you would truly believe him? Ultimately it doesn’t matter what he did if you feel the trust has been broken, that’s no way to start a marriage. In which case is anything he says going to be useful to you? He’ll most likely lie which will hurt you further and once you do get to the truth so much more damage will have been done I can’t see how you could come back from that. I’d be inclined to just walk away (if you can), he doesn’t deserve your tears, emotions or time. If you know there is no answer he could give that could mean moving forward with this relationship then confronting him is pointless, you’ll ultimately only hurt yourself more. I know that won’t be easy but it gives you control over a situation where you are no doubt feeling entirely out of control.

If his friend has a partner then his friend won't lie for him if you threaten to tell his friends partner instead. The truth will quickly come out as no friend will sacrifice their own relationship for the sake of their mates.

Start cancelling the wedding, order yourself an std test and tell him you know and that you're not willing to be married to an arsehole

I wouldn't marry him either, your wedding day will be miserable and you'll just have this horrible memory of it that will haunt you as you have to pretend everything is wonderful.

This.

If he claims its for a friend, then you need to tell their wife / partner. He would obviously need to claim its for a friend with a partner because why on earth wouldn't they have just ordered it themselves otherwise.

The jig is up with this kind of thing as soon as one of the partners knows so sadly someone's relationship is going to get blown apart in this situation.