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Original poster

Husband midlife crisis ‘random sex’: should I give him a chance

183 replies

LadyLazarus72 · 14/05/2024 12:53

Hi,
I have been with my husband for 20 years. These have been happy, but we both have had lots of stress over the last few years: caring for elderly parents, traumatic loss, raising kids and working two stressful full time jobs. Recently, (last 6 months) after the death of his dad, husband has been in full midlife crisis mode, very distant, online all the time, etc., utterly snappy….
I found out last week that he was not only explicitly chatting to a number of women online but that he had arranged to sleep with a married woman on a website designed for such a purpose. They met up whilst he was on a night away; he had said he was going camping, and I had fully supported him in having some time away. I found the message from the STD clinic as the first indication he had slept with someone.
Being confronted, he admitted everything and has said he had put himself in a complete bubble, and the encounter was ‘meaningless’. He does not know the woman, has ended all contact already, just wanted to ‘scratch an itch’.
He has admitted to being addicted to his screen and has given me all passwords,etc. and answered all my questions. He has said he will go to counselling.
He says he feels his actions were a ‘cry for help’ even though utterly wrong; in one way I believe him, even though his actions have been eviscerating for me.
Should I give him a chance? I genuinely think he wants to chance AT THE MOMENT, but I also don’t want to waste the rest of my life working on something if this will happen again…it will be too painful.
Anyone had any experience of anything like this? Advice?

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 14/05/2024 13:03

Hmm...

What swings it for me is that he went on a site for married people. Not only was he prepared to step out on his own marriage...he was going to contribute to someone else stepping out on theirs.

I mean...it takes a distinct lack of moral fibre to be that guy.

I guess logically he thought 'oh we'll both have to keep eachothers secret' etc... but obviously that's not a good thing. And I wouldn't be surprised if he's hiding other past encounters.

He also, didn't tell you out of shame or guilt...but because ge was caught.

For me...not only would the trust be gone but also...I'd be thinking, this just isn't a nice man. .and the bare minimum a life partner should be, is a nice human being.

I think I'd probably be out.
It's not 'as bad' ad some cheating cases on here. But its bad enough.

BranchGold · 14/05/2024 13:11

I wouldn’t be inclined to forgive.

He actively pursued cheating.

He’s also been a horrible knob to you.

The respect has gone. If you stay, he knows what you’ll tolerate.

Megifer · 14/05/2024 13:15

Sorry op I wouldn't forgive. He's only blathering on about counselling (usual script 🙄) and cry for help and a show of giving you passwords etc because he got caught.

I still wouldn't forgive in this situation, but in some ways I'd find it a bit easier to stomach if it was a ONS after a night out. But this was actively sought out and planned. And he'll get that itch again for sure. And he'll just get craftier and start deleting his search history, messages, he'll change his password and tell you it's not working because he's deregistered etc. You'll be paranoid whenever he goes on a night out or away again.....

Sorry you're in this situation op. But not a chance id forgive.

AGlinnerOfHope · 14/05/2024 13:17

I wouldn’t. He was very stressed, as were you.
He withdrew and got grumpy and snappy, you were kind and supportive.

He researched, cheated on you and lied.

Honestly. Who does he think he is?

What do you think will happen in future when the going gets tough?

He’s not got your back.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 14/05/2024 13:20

And when he gets an itch he wants to scratch again, what then?

Dadjoke007 · 14/05/2024 13:21

You have both been through a lot, and while not every couple ends up like that many do. It can drive different behaviours and the key thing here is that he is up for counselling etc...

We all make mistakes in life, and yes, this is a deeper one than having a few too many beers... but you have a lot invested and so this could be a chance to turn it around.

Both my ex-wife and I said/did things which were that cry for help when in hindsight we should have worked together. But neither were prepared to address or work on it.

Am not going to defend cheats, but IMO there are two types, those that do it for fun and those that do it as an escape/missing something at home/cry for help. He comes into the later. It will take a LOT of work. Many on here will take a zero tolerance approach but if you think about all those relationships that can and have worked after infidelity and other stuff then if you want to give it a go you do it.

Springadorable · 14/05/2024 13:21

Nope, that would be it for me. He only told you because he was caught, and presumably didn't use protection if he's been to a sexual health clinic after, so also put you at risk. No thanks.

Bunnyhair · 14/05/2024 13:21

Chuck him out. You’ll always be the one who has to understand and empathise while he just acts out however it suits him.

MadDogMama · 14/05/2024 13:23

He actively went out to seek sex with another woman. He made many choices to lie to you at various points and his conscience didn't kick in at any of those points. He made a calculated decision to find and sleep with her and make a mockery of you and your marriage whilst doing so.

He has massively disrespected you, does he deserve your forgiveness?

As a previous poster has said, he is only really sorry that he got caught.

I personally couldn't forgive this and I would be out of there (or he would).
How can you ever trust him again? And if you can't trust him again, then there really is no relationship left.

I'm very sorry for you, I hope you find your way through this with your head held high.

DriftingDora · 14/05/2024 13:24

Get an STD test, it doesn't sound like he's too fussy where other women are concerned. This was planned, so chances are he's done it before.

He sounds a real charmer, and another one who sulks and puts the blame on other people when the shit hits the fan. Second piece of advice would be: get rid asap.

FlickDrink · 14/05/2024 13:26

What do you want to do? No one can give an answer. You don't have to decide right now. You can wait and see how you feel. Don't do anything because of what other people might think or because it's what you think you should do. Really try and work out your feelings. Therapy might help you process your thoughts
One friends husband had a fling and amazingly after a few years they've come back together. She is sensible, strong and has lots of support. I know it's her choice and I respect her for it.
I've a few friends in their 60's who divorced and some of them struggle with being alone and others are thriving. I overheard one who has a boyfriend ( not live in) saying she was living her best life now.

canyouletthedogoutplease · 14/05/2024 13:29

I think that actively joining a website, and scouring and searching and all the groundwork that it takes for a man to get into bed with a woman, these websites are a total sausage party and the women can generally pick and choose, thinking up the cover story, packing the car, doing the thing, going for the STD test.... it's all very different to a drunken one night with someone he bumped into, or even falling for a colleague. He opened and walked through many many doors to get to the point he did, it wasn't a mistake, it was very purposeful.

I wouldn't be able to forgive someone who cried for help by chasing skirt unfortunately. My peace of mind is more important.

ProfessorInkling · 14/05/2024 13:30

Fuck that shit, you're worth more than this.

ZaraWebsiteGivingMeTheDoubleRage · 14/05/2024 13:30

A cry for help or scratching an itch (quite possibly literally now) was him being unfaithful, not standing on a bridge having a serious think, buying a motorbike or going out and getting arrested for being drunk and disorderly. Hmm, indeed.

Everything you ever knew in your marriage has changed now that you know he's done this (I say that in case there have been other betrayals), do you think you'll be able to trust him again @LadyLazarus72 ? To be able to live your life together with this somewhere in your mind all of the time? When you momentarily forget, it'll no doubt come back to you and spoil that memory. This is your chance to make your own decisions, even though they are ones you probably weren't expecting to have to make and none of us ever want to Flowers

Tel12 · 14/05/2024 13:31

Has he exposed you to the risk of STD? If so it's beyond reckless. I don't know. Depends on what your marriage was like before. If you think that it's worth saving then yes, have counselling and see where you end up.

Powderblue1 · 14/05/2024 13:31

I think the clincher for me was that you found out rather than him telling you.

How convenient it was a 'cry for help' yet he hadn't told you so he didn't cry and tell he was simply being unfaithful and came up with excuses once he was caught.

LondonFox · 14/05/2024 13:32

Tell him you are open to fixing relationship but first want some time to enjoy online dating and meet men for sex.
H
If it can be meaningless, you can enjoy it too.

JamesPringle · 14/05/2024 13:32

You now know what he's capable of.

sunflowrsngunpowdr · 14/05/2024 13:35

Don't do anything. Watch and wait and hold your cards close. I should imagine you will know if he is really remorseful and wants to try because his actions will reflect. Take some time to figure out what you want and if you want out of the marriage ... get your affairs in order quietly without him knowing. I think it is more beneficial this way if you can manage it.

Original poster
LadyLazarus72 · 14/05/2024 13:36

Thanks all, so far. It is an utter quandary. The deceit was incredible; I do believe that he had descended to a point where any self justification was possible.
He says he genuinely thought it would have no consequences beyond him just ‘doing it’. (This was a few weeks after a conversation where he had stated that he felt he could separate sex from emotion: he has now said he was wrong and had no idea how traumatic the whole thing would be. To be honest, this was my big clue something was up, because he was so dreadful for the weeks after it happened!!). Mind boggling!!!!
I really appreciate everyone’s advice, as I am totally torn up about this, but also want to make the right decision for the long term.

OP posts:
Megifer · 14/05/2024 13:37

And also a "cry for help" and "scratching an itch" seem like 2 different things to me.

Cry for help tho....what a weasel to use that phrase. Even that sounds like it's your fault....he had to cry for help..... by signing up to a cheating website and sticking his dick into another woman while you thought he was freezing his balls off in a tent.

What's wrong with getting a sleeve of tattooes, starting to wear Stussy gear and going mad putting chia seeds on everything like most normal mid life crises?

determinedtomakethiswork · 14/05/2024 13:40

Do you remember the day he returned? What sort of mood was he in?

unsync · 14/05/2024 13:41

Nope. Someone who loves and cares for you doesn't behave that way, irrespective of what is going on. Who thinks "I'm upset my parent has died, i'll go shag
some random", when there are so many resources available that don't have dumping on your partner as an outcome?

JJathome · 14/05/2024 13:42

Cmon op. A cry for help my arse. He wanted to cheat so did so, he’s only saying this shit as he was caught, you know this.

KiwiOtter · 14/05/2024 13:47

Wow, all very premeditated of him, isn’t it?

He is trying to emotionally manipulate you into forgiveness by calling it a cry for help! Many people go through trauma and don’t cheat. Crap excuse.

Sorry, OP. Only you know if you can forgive, but personally, I couldn’t.