Husband midlife crisis ‘random sex’: should I give him a chance

[LadyLazarus72]

Hi,
I have been with my husband for 20 years. These have been happy, but we both have had lots of stress over the last few years: caring for elderly parents, traumatic loss, raising kids and working two stressful full time jobs. Recently, (last 6 months) after the death of his dad, husband has been in full midlife crisis mode, very distant, online all the time, etc., utterly snappy….
I found out last week that he was not only explicitly chatting to a number of women online but that he had arranged to sleep with a married woman on a website designed for such a purpose. They met up whilst he was on a night away; he had said he was going camping, and I had fully supported him in having some time away. I found the message from the STD clinic as the first indication he had slept with someone.
Being confronted, he admitted everything and has said he had put himself in a complete bubble, and the encounter was ‘meaningless’. He does not know the woman, has ended all contact already, just wanted to ‘scratch an itch’.
He has admitted to being addicted to his screen and has given me all passwords,etc. and answered all my questions. He has said he will go to counselling.
He says he feels his actions were a ‘cry for help’ even though utterly wrong; in one way I believe him, even though his actions have been eviscerating for me.
Should I give him a chance? I genuinely think he wants to chance AT THE MOMENT, but I also don’t want to waste the rest of my life working on something if this will happen again…it will be too painful.
Anyone had any experience of anything like this? Advice?

Because things weren’t working down there when we tried to have sex… he now says it was the shame and guilt, which I do actually believe, as our sex life IS good (or so I thought!). This again just shows how totally out of touch with his feelings/ expected feelings he has been. I think I would realise that it might be a bit tricky to jump back into the sack!

“who do you think you are that I will get myself into situation to check on you?”.

Great response. 👏

I think your latest updates are quite chilling OP.
He comes over as so cold and calculating. I would really wonder what he is capable of if he is so devoid of normal feeling.

He’s trying to justify his behaviour and make it seem less bad than it was.

This would piss me off more than his actual previous actions.

He doesn’t even seem that sorry.
He’s just sorry he got caught.

Sounds like he wanted a prostitute that he didn't have to pay for, when he puts it like that.

I'm not sure anything he says actually helps his argument.

OP, the one thing I’d say is that you don’t have to rush into a decision. If you decide this is the end of your marriage, you can decide that today, tomorrow, next week, month or year… Equally, if you decide to try to work things out, you can — at any point — change your mind.

It's very tough op! Have some time away from him to clear your head?

Do you really want to spend the rest of your days checking his phone etc? I think that when a couple is at the “give me your passwords” stage, there’s not a great future in store. Every time he’s a bit offhand you’ll wonder if he’s tomcatting again, irrespective of whether he actually is. It’s no way to live, constantly on guard.

Agree with @BetterWithPockets . If I were you I would ask him to leave for a week to just process and reflect alone, without him there. When the shock has subsided a bit and you've adjusted to the situation, you can decide. But don't worry if it isn't just yet. Take your time.

No. He cheated on purpose and trivialised it and put you at risk of an std. If he'd cheated on a drunk night out maybe, but this was so deliberate and without regret.

I’d really struggle to write off a person after 20 years of marriage especially if this is the first time anything like this has happened.

People aren’t thoroughly good or bad, he’s done a really horrible thing and acted terribly towards you and no one would blame you if you found this insurmountable.

Grief can do some really mad things to one’s mind, throw in some general mid life depression and angst and you really have got the potential to fuck your life up in many ways. I was a horrible person to be around for a long time after a traumatic loss, I didn’t cheat but I acted very out of character and i couldn’t “escape” my head, which is all I wanted to do. I can relate to the feelings.
Most ppl wouldn’t do what he’s done though, regardless of whatever trauma they’re trying to escape.

For me this is not something I’d be able to move past, I know myself and it’d be over. However I do think it’s important to truly consider all the options if you really believe this was totally out of character and not indicative of someone he is becoming / is underneath.

Saying X or Y would be better is pointless, you don’t know what would be better or worse, you only know what has happened and can only judge on exactly what he’s done.

I think wanting to scratch an itch is the reason. Bit a Freudian slip on his part.

Hes dressing it up as grief so it’s ok and offering to go for counselling if he was spiralling that much he should’ve seen a dr and then got counselling not shagged some woman and worse of all then needing an sti test so it wasn’t even safe sex 🤦🏻‍♀️

It may be the tip of the iceberg? You found out about this one. You would still be non the wiser otherwise being put at risk of Sti I don't think I could forgive

The thing is, OP, everyone is different. We can tell you what we would or would not do, but only you know how this makes you feel and weather or not you can live with this for the rest of your life.

Personally, no explaining on his part would make it look or feel better. Cheating of any kind is an absolute deal breaker for me.

Op i mean this in the nicest possible way to you because I really really feel for you. Please don't he stupid. Arranging to sleep with a married woman is not a cry for help, it's the first thing he said about scratching an itch. Get yourself checked over if relevant and do not forgive this man. It doesn't matter if he didn't ever do it again.. he did it in the first place. And when you wrote you saw the message from the clinic... enough said. Don't fall for his bs. He's shown his character that's the kinda person he is.

Sorry there is no “utter quandary” about this at all OP. He’s only sorry he got caught. It’s naive to believe this was a one off too. He’s making all the right noises to keep you believing that though and that he’s oh so very sorry. He’s not. Or he wouldn’t have done it. And he would have come clean to you if he was. Simple. Had you not caught him believe me this would have gone on for years to come and I’m sure this already has been one way or another. A LOT of men do this a lot of the time. I’m sorry for your pain but once the trust is gone it’s always gone. I speak from experience.

We've a family member who used to pick up women on tinder for a weekend away in a nice walking area, think, Yorkshire, Peak District, he got a free bed with benefits for the weekend and got in some walking. Icky 🤢

Lots of experience I deal with this sort of “ crisis “ daily with divorces .
He cheated because he wanted , you are being a doormat

I do hope he is well aware that he doesn’t have his wife’s support to work through his ‘traumatic’ experience. Has he thought about you? Or is this all just about how he didn’t find it what he thought? He’s robbed you of a lot- a relationship you thought you knew, trust, sex with a man who can get an erection… whats he doing to fix this FOR YOU?

Are you sure this was a free date? What I hear about these sites is that it’s mainly men on there but the women are bot accounts (not a real person) to keep the men buying introduction credits and then also there are women on there but you have to pay them for services. An attractive married woman on one of those sites meeting for free would be a unicorn. Hence the Sti panic too.

No condom and probably anal sex.

Yikes. His ‘encounter’ was premeditated, it wasn’t a drunken hook up on a night out. He searched, planned and lied to ‘scratch his itch’ I wouldn’t trust him not to ‘scratch his itch’ again.

I would start making plans now.

It wasn't the first time - it was the time he got caught.

It won't be the last time.

He's developed a taste for it.

And itches do tend to spread.

What a complete and utter prick.

A genuine cry for help is the following.

An expression of suicidal intent in the hope of receiving help and being rescued. A cry for help may take many different forms such as a telephone call, a message left on an answering phone, a note left in a conspicuous place, or an e-mail message.

This wasn't his first itch. It won't be his last. He did not want you to find out. He has been caught and is now trying to emotionally manipulate you. Using words and sayings (a cry for help, an itch to scratch, a midlife crisis, complete bubble, meaningless) to try to distract you from the ugly raw truth. He planned to meet up with a married woman as a married man and had unprotected sex with her and hoped you would be none the wiser.

How can you hope to regain any trust?

Are you seriously victim-blaming?