Husband midlife crisis ‘random sex’: should I give him a chance

[LadyLazarus72]

Hi,
I have been with my husband for 20 years. These have been happy, but we both have had lots of stress over the last few years: caring for elderly parents, traumatic loss, raising kids and working two stressful full time jobs. Recently, (last 6 months) after the death of his dad, husband has been in full midlife crisis mode, very distant, online all the time, etc., utterly snappy….
I found out last week that he was not only explicitly chatting to a number of women online but that he had arranged to sleep with a married woman on a website designed for such a purpose. They met up whilst he was on a night away; he had said he was going camping, and I had fully supported him in having some time away. I found the message from the STD clinic as the first indication he had slept with someone.
Being confronted, he admitted everything and has said he had put himself in a complete bubble, and the encounter was ‘meaningless’. He does not know the woman, has ended all contact already, just wanted to ‘scratch an itch’.
He has admitted to being addicted to his screen and has given me all passwords,etc. and answered all my questions. He has said he will go to counselling.
He says he feels his actions were a ‘cry for help’ even though utterly wrong; in one way I believe him, even though his actions have been eviscerating for me.
Should I give him a chance? I genuinely think he wants to chance AT THE MOMENT, but I also don’t want to waste the rest of my life working on something if this will happen again…it will be too painful.
Anyone had any experience of anything like this? Advice?

I disagree with the majority, I think matter of factly seeking out someone to have sex with on a hook up site isn't any worse than getting 'carried away' on a drunken night out or 'one thing led to another' bollocks with a ons. He coldly and calculatedly sort out a woman to have sex wirh. Yes it is bad but it isn't a love affair. There wasn't an emotional connection no 'love you miss you' texts and sexts.

Only you know if it was out character, if his remorse seems genuine, if you love him and vice versa.

I wouldn't end a 20yr marriage at this stage but I'd be on high alert and there'd be no third chances.

Would you have sex with another man if you were finding things tough? If you have children would you think it was an acceptable excuse if their partner did it to them?

It is technically easier to stay as you don't have to divide assets but to do so the betrayed always seems to pay the price through their confidence, self esteem and happiness. The trust is gone and no one can tell you if he will do it again but the odds are against him. Forgiving him gives him the green light it's ok to treat you this way and you have to rely on his morals to not do it but he has proven when things get tough he has none.

I bet he had sex with you before he knew if he was clear of an std.

I have to say that I always wonder how people forgive infidelity. Yes, I know that it can happen, easily, to the best of us, and it may not mean much for the person involved, I simply would not be able to get past it. To trust the person, ever again.

A good friend of mine did it, forgave her husband for cheating and wanted to move on. Only a few months later he got involved with someone else and left her. They had two very small children. It took her years of therapy, medication and grieving to get over it and have some semblance of normalcy.

People don’t forgive, they just stay and seethe. I have seen it happen. In both cases it was the
woman that cheated.

They do not want to break up a family and they are comfortable with how their life is set up, particularly financially.

Have seen it happening as well. In the case I know it’s the woman cheating. He agreed to an open marriage because they have young kids.
How he does it and tolerates that it’s beyond my understanding. The woman has one parallel relationship and three more guys she radomnly sleeps with every 3-6 months. No protection (he doesn’t know this).
He literally doesn’t give a toss tbh. No idea how this works but If it works for the couple then ok. The odd thing is that If you talk to her she will tell you that among all her husband is the best lover and -apologies tmi- most well endowed. But he rarely wants sex with her and is emotionally unavailable. And this thing she does actually turns him on.
And If you see them together they seem happy and that they genuinely love each other. Another way to live your life I guess?
Has he forgiven? Is he abnormal himself to let this situation in his family affecting his kids or is it just another way that a marriage may work? Different to what we have been told and taught but maybe it works for some people.

This. If trust and love is gone what's the point of staying married if he cheats on you?

Op, not only did he betray you by cheating, he put your health at risk as he probably didn’t wear a condom.hence the STI test kit
He actively went out looking to cheat , it wasn’t a mistake.

Gross. Deceit, focused secretive planning, complete disregard for you, for the relationship - no.