Husband midlife crisis ‘random sex’: should I give him a chance

[LadyLazarus72]

Hi,
I have been with my husband for 20 years. These have been happy, but we both have had lots of stress over the last few years: caring for elderly parents, traumatic loss, raising kids and working two stressful full time jobs. Recently, (last 6 months) after the death of his dad, husband has been in full midlife crisis mode, very distant, online all the time, etc., utterly snappy….
I found out last week that he was not only explicitly chatting to a number of women online but that he had arranged to sleep with a married woman on a website designed for such a purpose. They met up whilst he was on a night away; he had said he was going camping, and I had fully supported him in having some time away. I found the message from the STD clinic as the first indication he had slept with someone.
Being confronted, he admitted everything and has said he had put himself in a complete bubble, and the encounter was ‘meaningless’. He does not know the woman, has ended all contact already, just wanted to ‘scratch an itch’.
He has admitted to being addicted to his screen and has given me all passwords,etc. and answered all my questions. He has said he will go to counselling.
He says he feels his actions were a ‘cry for help’ even though utterly wrong; in one way I believe him, even though his actions have been eviscerating for me.
Should I give him a chance? I genuinely think he wants to chance AT THE MOMENT, but I also don’t want to waste the rest of my life working on something if this will happen again…it will be too painful.
Anyone had any experience of anything like this? Advice?

The only thing that was traumatic for him was you finding out.

I always think that people should take their marriage vows very seriously and that couples separate far too easily nowadays, but I would draw the line at any form of cheating and would never accept it from my husband. The fact that he had slept with another woman, whatever the circumstances, would make my skin creep and would instantly erode any bit of trust and would be the ultimate betrayal.

Many years ago I had a boyfriend who cheated on me and I've never forgotten how I felt. I didn't forgive it then, and enjoyed my revenge, and would never ever be willing to give any man a second chance if I caught them cheating. The day I find out my husband has cheated, whether a romantic/emotional attachment to someone else or anything physical, would be the last night night we would share the same roof. I've got more respect for myself than to be someone's second choice.

“Cry for help” what a complete joke!
My ex did the same and said he “had demons” and was depressed
He got kicked to the kerb

Sorry op. I feel that he’s bamboozled you by presenting this as part of a package that includes being online too much, giving you passwords etc- it has nothing to do with any of that. Bottom line is that he slept with another woman, having planned to do so (although not having planned to use protection if he is now worried about STDs, it seems).

It’s up to you whether you think it’s worth trying to save the marriage. If I were you, I would say not. Life comes with challenges- it’s no sort of marriage if his response is to shag another woman and then say it was a cry for help.

My view. Go for the counselling together. Whether you decide to work at things or part ways, it will be helpful either way.

I could never forgive that.

A cry for help has me bristling like many others on this thread. Part of the reason I'm not impressed by it is because it seems to put the emphasis on fixing it onto you. "Poor man, having such a hard time of it, he just wants to be helped, surely his wife will Stand By Him and Support Him in His Moment Of Need?!"

In reality, it's him who needs to fix his mess now. You can't, and maybe even he can't, but if you aren't yet sure if this is recoverable or not, stand back a little and watch his actions. Will he book himself into counselling, suggest couples therapy, willingly give you full access to his phone and all his accounts to check any time you want? What actions will he take to build trust back up with you? What actions will he take to identify why he sought out infidelity, and what will he do to address the root causes? Or will he make all the right noises right now, weep and wail about how sorry he is but take no responsibility for taking the concrete actions that are needed to establish a healthier future for your marriage? Watch his actions more than his words, would be my advice, and don't be too quick to jump into the river to save him.

I'd agree with this. If you aren't going to walk away then you need to be able to genuinely move on from it and not throw it in his face anytime a bad thing happens...or even have it still festering away.

It is possible to move on, but you can't do it by checking his phone all the time or lying awake wondering where he is.

I'd ask him to move out for a bit to give you time to think.

Nah that'd be it for me I'm afraid. I know it's easy for us to say from the outside of the situation, but I know myself and I know I'd never be able to respect him again.

I'd never be able to see past the act of seeking out another (married!!) woman, planning and arranging the whole thing, actively lying to my face about it, and then going ahead with it. Also he apparently had unprotected sex with this person thus also jeopardising your health. AND he didn't fess up himself, you had to catch him. He fully intended to take it to his grave.

It's not just a single mistake, it's hundreds of little choices, each one a betrayal. Each one him choosing his penis over his family. I could never look him in the face again without wanting to vomit directly into his eyes, and that's not going to be a good marriage is it?

So for me, no. I couldn't forgive, forget, or move past this.

no, we were having really good sex, but he was increasingly raising the fact that he had not slept around when he was younger…

They met up whilst he was on a night away; he had said he was going camping, and I had fully supported him in having some time away. I found the message from the STD clinic as the first indication he had slept with someone.

He's remarkably unlucky isn't he? Or maybe that's the very least he could get away with telling you.

It was "meaningless" to him was it. Well it meant a lot to you! Get rid of him and don't be a doormat.

Are you sure it was just once, OP, or just that this was the one you discovered?

I have ‘forgiven’ an emotional affair in the distant past, because you can’t help falling for someone sometimes ( although you can put strategies in place to stop it getting out of hand).

Coldbloodly choosing another married person for a no strings shag? I don’t think so.

Are you financially better off divorced, or together?

I'd do what's in your interests, op.

Cos let's face it, he's bullshitting you.

But if divorce means you'll be stuck in a scruffy flat rather than a nice 5 bed detached in stow on the wold or wherever I'd turn a blind eye and pretend that you forgive him.

But obviously you won't forget -

I think I would at least have a period of separation while you decided whether to try and work on the marriage, and while he had some intensive therapy. Then decide whether you wanted to take him back. Rather than just letting him think the status quo could continue.

Also it being "meaningless" to him almost makes it worse. He risked his marriage and his family for something meaningless? How is that better than if it had meant something?

Cry for help my arse.

Another one to second this. I am so sick and fucking tired of men screaming mental health issues or poor me etc. My father died, I had my home repossessed and my son was diagnosed as a schizophrenic all within the space of 18 months. Was my answer to go and shag someone behind my husband's back? Take a guess girls.

Agreed- Into the bin with him.
Once trust has gone- That’s the end.

Oh the poor man. There he is in the middle of a mental health crisis, and the only way he can cope is to get his dick out and stick it in another woman. 🤔

I don't think I could ever forgive that.

My advice is to gather your thoughts. Go to marriage counselling. Work through your feelings and emotions. Then decide what YOU want and whether YOU believe that you/he can rebuild the trust—does the good still outweigh the bad? He gets no choice—the decision is 100% yours, but you don’t have to make that choice today, before you’ve had a chance to work it through with a professional.

he was increasingly raising the fact that he had not slept around when he was younger…

Ah, ' I didn't' more often than not means 'I did'. They have to put voice to their misdemeanours.

I'm sorry you're going through this @LadyLazarus72 , it's bloody awful

It sounds like he knows he has genuinely fucked up and wants to put things right. It’s great he wants to have counselling (has he already booked something?). That he gave you his phone, all the passwords etc…

But it’s also completely separate to how you feel and what would be best for you. The fact he is now doing everything right doesn’t mean you have to forget/forgive.
Maybe you next step is also to have some counselling together some clarity of whether you’ll ever be able to trust him again.

fwiw I dont think your relationship will ever be the same. It’s neither good nor bad but the only way to truly move on is for both of you to look at boundaries, your own expectations and ways to communicate/behave. Otherwise, it’s sweeping stuff under the carpet. And it never works,

Ahhhhh, that old chestnut. I've been there Op. I think this is a typical mid life crisis. My first H, and every single one of my close friends husband's did the same. We all married really young. All of our husband's reached about 35/40 and decided they hadn't sampled enough vagina. Actually mine had been cheating the whole time, so he was worse than the others.

We all split up apart from one couple, and they are doing really well actually, they seem to be over it. But I was just done. Interestingly, my second husband, who has slept with a fair few women, doesn't behave that way.

What do you want to do? How old are you both? Could you manage financially if you separated?

My husband and I have been through some incredibly stressful times. Never once did he feel the need to have sex with a random woman. Stop making excuses for him. His behaviour is unacceptable.