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Original poster

Husband midlife crisis ‘random sex’: should I give him a chance

183 replies

LadyLazarus72 · 14/05/2024 12:53

Hi,
I have been with my husband for 20 years. These have been happy, but we both have had lots of stress over the last few years: caring for elderly parents, traumatic loss, raising kids and working two stressful full time jobs. Recently, (last 6 months) after the death of his dad, husband has been in full midlife crisis mode, very distant, online all the time, etc., utterly snappy….
I found out last week that he was not only explicitly chatting to a number of women online but that he had arranged to sleep with a married woman on a website designed for such a purpose. They met up whilst he was on a night away; he had said he was going camping, and I had fully supported him in having some time away. I found the message from the STD clinic as the first indication he had slept with someone.
Being confronted, he admitted everything and has said he had put himself in a complete bubble, and the encounter was ‘meaningless’. He does not know the woman, has ended all contact already, just wanted to ‘scratch an itch’.
He has admitted to being addicted to his screen and has given me all passwords,etc. and answered all my questions. He has said he will go to counselling.
He says he feels his actions were a ‘cry for help’ even though utterly wrong; in one way I believe him, even though his actions have been eviscerating for me.
Should I give him a chance? I genuinely think he wants to chance AT THE MOMENT, but I also don’t want to waste the rest of my life working on something if this will happen again…it will be too painful.
Anyone had any experience of anything like this? Advice?

OP posts:
0w1 · 14/05/2024 17:12

oh no, I wouldn't want to continue. Very difficult splitting up but he pursued this. You were having sex (and good sex?) but he actively decided to seek out infidelities. NOPE> How could you ever trust him?

0w1 · 14/05/2024 17:14

MonsteraMama · 14/05/2024 15:42

Also it being "meaningless" to him almost makes it worse. He risked his marriage and his family for something meaningless? How is that better than if it had meant something?

yes, i may be going against the grain but I'd feel it was more human to have been knocked sideways with feelings. Jeopardising what you had for something meaningless is worse. IMO

badatdecisions · 14/05/2024 17:17

VJBR · 14/05/2024 17:09

My husband and I have been through some incredibly stressful times. Never once did he feel the need to have sex with a random woman. Stop making excuses for him. His behaviour is unacceptable.

that you know of

Rania78 · 14/05/2024 17:19

LadyLazarus72 · 14/05/2024 12:53

Hi,
I have been with my husband for 20 years. These have been happy, but we both have had lots of stress over the last few years: caring for elderly parents, traumatic loss, raising kids and working two stressful full time jobs. Recently, (last 6 months) after the death of his dad, husband has been in full midlife crisis mode, very distant, online all the time, etc., utterly snappy….
I found out last week that he was not only explicitly chatting to a number of women online but that he had arranged to sleep with a married woman on a website designed for such a purpose. They met up whilst he was on a night away; he had said he was going camping, and I had fully supported him in having some time away. I found the message from the STD clinic as the first indication he had slept with someone.
Being confronted, he admitted everything and has said he had put himself in a complete bubble, and the encounter was ‘meaningless’. He does not know the woman, has ended all contact already, just wanted to ‘scratch an itch’.
He has admitted to being addicted to his screen and has given me all passwords,etc. and answered all my questions. He has said he will go to counselling.
He says he feels his actions were a ‘cry for help’ even though utterly wrong; in one way I believe him, even though his actions have been eviscerating for me.
Should I give him a chance? I genuinely think he wants to chance AT THE MOMENT, but I also don’t want to waste the rest of my life working on something if this will happen again…it will be too painful.
Anyone had any experience of anything like this? Advice?

This is similar to my story. 20 years together exactly same behaviour after a death in the family.
He told me he would give me his passwords, his phone etc and my response was : “who do you think you are that I will get myself into situation to check on you?”.
Of course I left him and I am very happy. Get rid of him. He is dragging you down.

Spelunk · 14/05/2024 17:27

So he actively pursued cheating and lied to you outright. It wasn’t a crush or a weak moment - it was premeditated. He didn’t even confess until you caught him. You can’t ever trust him again.

Also do you realise he’s put your health at risk and possibly even your life? He’s clearly had unprotected sex with a random woman then come back and had unprotected sex with you. He could have given you an incurable disease like herpes. Or even worse, he could have caught Aids and given it to you - and you have kids who would have been orphaned. He hasn’t thought about the consequences at all. He’s a bad person.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 14/05/2024 17:34

Grief does make people do a lot of strange things and question their own life. I have seen it a few times. People want an adrenaline rush, to really feel alive rather than just existing. They want to feel something other than numb and flat that happens when grief takes over. It can led to reckless, selfish,stupid and dangerous behaviour.

Your situation seems very different to the genuine cases. Most confess immediately when they realise what they have done. They also don't start the self indulgent pitty party either and they move heaven & earth to fix things.

I'm not sure I believe him.

Amx · 14/05/2024 18:05

Nope. He's done a right number on you. It's almost like you feel sorry for him.

Jk987 · 14/05/2024 18:05

The moment you have to know passwords and access everything of his, is the moment the relationship is probably over. I don't think I could forgive him.

Bumblebeesandflowers · 14/05/2024 18:11

Poor fella was even willing to go to counselling, bless.

What a tosser he'd be well gone if it were me.

Bumblebeesandflowers · 14/05/2024 18:13

And.... he had no idea how traumatic it would be?!!! Wow he really is a knob

perfectcolourfound · 14/05/2024 18:16

None of the 'reasons' he's given are good reasons for choosing, and planning, to cheat on your wife.

A cry for help? Don't make me laugh. Who was he hoping would hear that cry and help him? The OW? It certainly wasn't you, as he wasn't going to tell you.

No, he decided to cheat, planned to cheat, arranged to meet up, told the many lies that were necessary in order to do the cheating, slept with her, unprotected, so risked your health, chose to live with the lie. (And it could be worse than all that- you only know as much as he's chosen to tell you).

And after all that he gives lousy excuses rather than being a grown adult and owning it.

How could you ever trust him again? What happens next time he has an 'itch to scratch'? If it were me, things would be tarnished forever, and I couldn't look at the same, let alone live with and have sex with, a man who chose to betray me. Whatever his lousy excuse for the betrayal is.

5128gap · 14/05/2024 18:17

I think if you do give him a chance you need to be prepared that you may only be kicking the can down the road. At the you're in the midst of the trauma. Coping not only with the pain of the betrayal but also the dread of upending your life. Trying to put this in a box so you can get back to how it was is tempting.
Unfortunately I think as time goes on, the anger can hit you hard. Often accompanied by other undesirables like mistrust, hyper vigilance, and deep resentment that he brought you to it.
Personally if I was staying it would be on a probationary basis to review in 6 months. I'd be making no promises of forgiveness and no long term plans (other than to secure my own future in the event I needed to) but taking a day at a time.

justasking111 · 14/05/2024 18:22

LadyLazarus72 · 14/05/2024 15:25

no, we were having really good sex, but he was increasingly raising the fact that he had not slept around when he was younger…

Show quote history

Well mine did sleep around so he scratched that itch before he met me.

However, when his dad died who we all adored he did go a bit off piste deep depression. His solution he bought a little business which kept him busy, for the next 14 years. He'd say a random shag wouldn't have helped for more than a minute.

Elsewhere123 · 14/05/2024 18:23

Thousands of thoughts buzzing non stop in your brain. You need time and counselling individually and then perhaps jointly. Time apart may help. Don't take long term decisions until your brain slows down.

Original poster
LadyLazarus72 · 14/05/2024 18:23

Spirallingdownwards · 14/05/2024 14:44

Well he definitely has an itch to scratch now.

You are I hope getting checked out too.

He hasn’t been able to do it with me since, but he has done a test now.

OP posts:
DriftingDora · 14/05/2024 18:25

LadyLazarus72 · 14/05/2024 13:36

Thanks all, so far. It is an utter quandary. The deceit was incredible; I do believe that he had descended to a point where any self justification was possible.
He says he genuinely thought it would have no consequences beyond him just ‘doing it’. (This was a few weeks after a conversation where he had stated that he felt he could separate sex from emotion: he has now said he was wrong and had no idea how traumatic the whole thing would be. To be honest, this was my big clue something was up, because he was so dreadful for the weeks after it happened!!). Mind boggling!!!!
I really appreciate everyone’s advice, as I am totally torn up about this, but also want to make the right decision for the long term.

he has now said he was wrong and had no idea how traumatic the whole thing would be

Oh, bless his little cotton socks, he didn't realise! That's OK then. Has he thought of taking up acting?

Total self-obsessed dickhead. He's full of it, isn't he? PS: ask to actually see proof of the STD test result. Telling the truth doesn't sound one of his strong points.

Original poster
LadyLazarus72 · 14/05/2024 18:26

justasking111 · 14/05/2024 18:22

Well mine did sleep around so he scratched that itch before he met me.

However, when his dad died who we all adored he did go a bit off piste deep depression. His solution he bought a little business which kept him busy, for the next 14 years. He'd say a random shag wouldn't have helped for more than a minute.

Show quote history

He SAYs it was a complete disaster and utterly underwhelming and yes, not the solution he had hoped. Funny that.

OP posts:
Solidlump · 14/05/2024 18:30

LadyLazarus72 · 14/05/2024 18:26

He SAYs it was a complete disaster and utterly underwhelming and yes, not the solution he had hoped. Funny that.

Show quote history

Surely he has the sense not to tell you if it was the opposite - that he actually enjoyed the experience? Not really in his best interest.

Original poster
LadyLazarus72 · 14/05/2024 18:32

Solidlump · 14/05/2024 18:30

Surely he has the sense not to tell you if it was the opposite - that he actually enjoyed the experience? Not really in his best interest.

Show quote history

Totally my response!

OP posts:
TwilightSkies · 14/05/2024 18:32

No. He’s having a pity party because he was caught out. Save yourself from more lies and anguish. Make a clean break.

Thursdaygirl · 14/05/2024 18:33

I doubt I would ever trust him again but ending a marriage is no walk in the park. I wish you well OP

CoffeeBeansGalore · 14/05/2024 18:33

What a prince

Tell him you've got an itch to scratch with advice from a divorce solicitor.

He meanwhile can find a sofa to surf whilst you decide what YOU want.

FuckTheClubUp · 14/05/2024 18:35

Why is it that when some men are going through difficulties, they go and cheat? If you’re going through such difficulties, why are you fucking other people? When I go through difficulties, I eat too much shit. Not think, ‘yep, I’ll get some new dick today.’

Weird. It’d be the end for me

SnoqualmieRiver · 14/05/2024 18:38

He's portraying himself as some kind of victim when in fact he's deliberately lied to you and planned to fuck some random woman!

Why is it when low life cheaters are feeling low and depressed about life they have to go out and fuck?

Why can't they sit down calmly with their wife or husband and say they need more from the relationship etc and give their partner a chance to respond and work through their shared problems or to decide to split.

Reading your post I can imagine your awful husband making puppy dog eyes at you whilst explaining away his cheating as something he had to do!

Men and women like him make me feel sick.

You really do deserve better.

BigDahliaFan · 14/05/2024 18:40

If my dh admitted he’d got completely rat arsed and shagged some random or something, I’d be all colours of pissed off etc but be willing to thin ‘one off’. But it’s the premeditated aspect of it….