Husband midlife crisis ‘random sex’: should I give him a chance

[LadyLazarus72]

Hi,
I have been with my husband for 20 years. These have been happy, but we both have had lots of stress over the last few years: caring for elderly parents, traumatic loss, raising kids and working two stressful full time jobs. Recently, (last 6 months) after the death of his dad, husband has been in full midlife crisis mode, very distant, online all the time, etc., utterly snappy….
I found out last week that he was not only explicitly chatting to a number of women online but that he had arranged to sleep with a married woman on a website designed for such a purpose. They met up whilst he was on a night away; he had said he was going camping, and I had fully supported him in having some time away. I found the message from the STD clinic as the first indication he had slept with someone.
Being confronted, he admitted everything and has said he had put himself in a complete bubble, and the encounter was ‘meaningless’. He does not know the woman, has ended all contact already, just wanted to ‘scratch an itch’.
He has admitted to being addicted to his screen and has given me all passwords,etc. and answered all my questions. He has said he will go to counselling.
He says he feels his actions were a ‘cry for help’ even though utterly wrong; in one way I believe him, even though his actions have been eviscerating for me.
Should I give him a chance? I genuinely think he wants to chance AT THE MOMENT, but I also don’t want to waste the rest of my life working on something if this will happen again…it will be too painful.
Anyone had any experience of anything like this? Advice?

A lot of people probably agree with this, but won’t admit it

My husband has done similar and also more. We separated, he has done councelling and after a yr or so of being separated, we kinda want to try again (also appeared to be a stress/midlife /cry for help) . I find I can forgive the cheating but I am having trouble with the trusting completely. I think it very much depends on whether you think you can honestly move past it given time, whether therapy makes a difference etc. Maybe time apart will clarify for both of you whether you are wanting to carry on?

No, you shouldn't 'give him a chance"

In the years you've been together has he had your back? What kind of husband/ father was he previously?
If you stayed - what would you mostly be staying with him for?

Do people change - we all change and grow all the time, I think. But only if we really put the work in it.

Why did he automatically go to test?

With regards to him doing it that way, a lot of people saying that's worse, but at least

• he wasn't chasing someone he is attracted to (less effort)

-presumably m,he was open with ow as to what the expectations are and likely not interested in anything more lasting than having a go.

I'd agree about not taking his passwords etc. You're not his jailer or his mum. The responsibility is his.

I'd just decide if I want to be with him from now onwards - and I'd take my time with that decision and I'd have therapy for myself. If I did want him, I'd stay with him. Maybe on an open relationship basis.

I really don't see how that makes it any better. Causing all the hurt and distress, blowing up his marriage, for meaningless sex with a stranger?

You will only get one answer on MumsNet. LTB.

Emotional immaturity? They are not mature enough to deal with problems and seek a dopamine high to lift them up. This can come from various not so healthy sources one of them being sex with a new person.

It’s one thing to cheat, either through a ONS or a female friend.

But the fact he went and looked for it, took time to sign up to the sites, talk to multiple women, arrange a date to have sex, waited for that date and then went ahead and met her - would be what’s unforgivable.

This wasn’t a moment of madness.
It was premeditated and he had multiple opportunities to stop it from happening.

He didn’t even tell you himself and what he is telling you is most likely only part of the story.

My advice would be to take your time and don’t worry about having to make a decision asap.
Take some time to digest and process the information, before deciding what to do.

I think he's just sorry because he got caught. The password thing doesn't mean that much when it's incredibly easy to set-up a new email, and a new user account attached to that email.

I don't know how you can trust a man who did this to 'scratch an itch' (a claim meant to minimise what he's done), and as a cry for help (a claim to appeal to your sympathy).

He wanted excitement and he got it. Now he has to deal with the fall-out from that.

Forgiving a cheat just gives them permission to do it again.

So if I ever cheat, I can claim emotional immaturity? Thank you for the tip

Emotional immaturity is not an excuse. It’s a reason to leave someone because you ll never be happy with them. My husband was like this. Emotionally immature, blow up, couldn’t handle difficulties etc. As a result I had to bear the burden on many things at home as he wasn’t capable of dealing with it. It eventually wears you down.

He put a great deal of effort into scratching that itch, didn't he? And 'cry for help' my arse! (Said in my best Jim Royle voice.)

Because he probably discovered that the woman did swinging regularly and panicked

Scratching an itch and a cry for help are two different things….

The problem I think is the fact that it’s premeditated -it’s not like he had a few too many drinks and had a ONS which is bad enough. He joined a website and went searching for someone to sleep with..

only you know whether he is truly sorry and whether you think he can be trusted again…. Take your time to think through what you want.

I agree that it's the premeditated aspect of this that raises questions. I think of the marriage was good otherwise and I believed that he'd had a breakdown then I'd be inclined to forgive but not forget. By which I mean I'd work on the marriage and there would be counselling, but things wouldn't be entirely the same, for example, I'd expect to retain the right to look at his phone (within reason) and trust wouldn't return to before.

What I'd do doesn't matter, though. Only you know what you're willing to move past, and either decision would be legitimate.

So he's saying his premeditated, carefully planned experience to experience what he thought he'd missed out in his youth by fucking some random married woman wasn't that great after all so he'll stick with you? Nice to know where you are in his priorities. He didn't think about how this would affect or hurt you at all, physically or mentally.

Are you also supposed to believe that the one and only time he did this he got caught? He's not going to admit to anything you haven't got concrete proof for. Worse, you had a good sex life by the sound of things so he really did this just because he wanted to.

Please get yourself tested for STIs as it is highly unlikely this is a one-off especially if he has caught something. It is likely that he has or he wouldn't be bothering to get tested. Also tell him that you need some space to think things over and get him to move out for a while. You do need space and time to try to figure out how you feel about things without him whining and feeling sorry for himself around you and playing the victim now he's been caught. Also, he needs to know that actions have consequences and he can't just say sorry and play the game of going to therapy to keep you happy for now so his life isn't disrupted.

I agree with a PP who suggested that you tell him you now have a free pass to experience some other men as you have an itch to scratch and are feeling very traumatised.

In my experience, which I am of course not saying is gospel, about 95% of men cheat in some form or other. If above all else you want an intimate, happy, respectful, monogamous, loving relationship, then I think you need to find the 5% of men who for various reasons including accident, illness, stupidity, obesity still being in the honeymoon phase, do not attempt to cheat. If you are stuck like most of us with one of the 95% of men who would cheat in some form given the opporunity then you have to reassess what you get from the relationship vs what you need. Like the poster above, if you have a luxurious life in a country manor in stow on the wold with close friends who emotionally fulfil you, a job you like, happy, settled kids, cleaner, whatever you would consider comfort and luxury m, all you have to do is make sure the house and money is in your name and be ready to leave in a flash and take everything if you even hear an iota of it happening again.

if you are working like a dog to bring in half or more of the income, washing his skidmarked pants, doing all the domestic and emotional labour, then I would leave because there is a much nicer life for you out there.

There's a big pull in small car park at the bottom of our village not far from the dual carriageway. There was a heck of a ruckus when neighbours discovered that all the cars parking up at night weren't late night dog walkers but dogging sites. Locals were furious so got big flashlights and cameras to photograph them. Called the police and saw them off.

We couldn't get our head around that or all the condoms found in the morning. Who does that??

**

I'd point out it's also bad that he didn't tell you but allowed it to be discovered.

In case helpful: I was once unfaithful to my DP. I didn't sleep with someone else but I did arrange to meet up with them, kissed, etc,.lasted maybe one week. There are no excuses but it was a time of great stress and emotional distance from DP, which in my head justified it (of course it didn't really). I decided to come clean and told DP everything. In truth I probably should have just left. It's been almost a decade now and one thing I will say is that although our marriage is worse than ever and I periodically find myself very attracted to other people, I am absolutely certain that I will never be unfaithful again. There is zero temptation. The experience was so awful that I'd never repeat it under any circumstances. On the other hand, I don't think that DP ever truly got over it. It was the start of him treating me increasingly badly, and in the odd heated moment he's expressed that I deserve the bad treatment because of "my behaviour".

So to sum up: he might not cheat again if he's truly sorry. But you also might not love and respect him anymore, which leads to it's own problems.

This is what he says. He deliberately chose someone and a situation which would not lead to an attachment so that he could have the experience without any ‘damage’ to our emotional relationship. In a way, this IS better than an emotionally invested affaire, but I just think it sounds like a bloody miserable goal!