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Original poster

Wife no longer interested since kids - advice

607 replies

Swimmingtosurvive · 13/05/2024 06:43

Really would appreciate another perspective in this situation from somebody who may have been in a similar boat.

Me and wife have been together for 19 years, married for 12 and now have two kids (8 and 5). Since kids have been born our relationship has nose dived. We have maybe 1 date night a year but even that is stopping. We haven't been intimate since second child was born. It just feels like there's nothing left.

I feel like I've tried to make an effort. Quite a few times I've tried to arrange for us to go out or have a date night at home, but it's been refused. I try to go out of my way to be there and help her. Yet it isn't reciprocal.

I'm fully aware that the situation will be down to both of us and that I will have made mistakes that contribute to this. I have tried to speak to my wife about it. She has just said that since having the kids she has no interest in spending time with me but that I've done nothing wrong. The kids are here focus.

My worry is that if we don't look after our relationship, it is ultimately going to affect the kids and when they leave home we'll be left with nothing. That hurt really badly and I've been having some counselling since. She would not agree to couples therapy when I suggested it.

Would really appreciate some advice. Maybe there's something I've missed or someone has had similar feelings to me/wife. Any thing will help.

OP posts:
Combattingthemoaners · 13/05/2024 16:47

LakeSnake · 13/05/2024 15:04

@bookofeibon im not sure it’s a man/woman thing but I agree that the OP has described the situation in such a way as to get automatic support when the situation is likely to be in grey rather than black and white.

Having said that we all do that. The stories we tell ourself about what happened are rarely about us failing miserably (and then it’s also just as biased! Often from abuse or lack of self worth or both).

MN is also good at pilling onto people…. especially if you come on here giving a picture that is full of grey.

My two pence worth is that I don’t think the OP is actually doing things 50/50. He wouldn’t use the word helping otherwise (despite him saying he is. It’s a mistake on his part using that word etc…. He used that word too often for that to be a mistake)
The fact his dwife wants so much to spend time together as a family makes me think it hasn’t always been the case. I certainly have pushed time as a family before time as a couple when dh was ‘absent’ (nice mix of hobbies and work meaning he simply wasn’t there).
He is also never mentioning what sort of disagreements they have. And they must have some. This would probably tell a different picture again. Is he listening to his dwife bringing issues?
And if they are not having any disagreement then communication is crap and his dwife doesn't feel safe enough to bring issues with him (and that’s being intimate too! Not just the nice cuddling on the sofa).

What we know is that he doesn’t get the intimacy he wants and that his attempts at getting that (night out as a couple) failed. All about him. And about him having ticked the right actions (50/50 in the house and parenting, being present as a father, proposing nights out etc…)
Nothing about the last 9 years when his dwife was at a SAHM dealing with the dcs, housework etc… and how she might well have been shattered and needing support (not what he described as support btw. That should be part of the course in a truly equal relationship!). Nothing about what she has told him would help, what she needed from him etc….

I don’t think we will ever know.
And thats why he needs counselling. Alone or as a couple (or both)

But surely this is the case for every story/scenario posted then as it’s always from one persons point of view? We never hear the male partners version of events either but plenty of people still offer advice.

Deargodletitgo · 13/05/2024 16:51

My DP was in a marriage like this, he worked, she got to be the stay at home mum she had always wanted and had no further time for him as a man. He left, I think you should do the same.

And yes, surprisingly some women are in the wrong in a relationship and can be selfish and over ride their partners needs...it's not a trait solely limited to men.

Choux · 13/05/2024 17:05

The kids might be your wife's focus but, if she doesn't want their parents to be divorced she needs to nurture your relationship too. In the pre-kid years was she genuinely intimate and passionate and supportive of you? Did she do work she enjoyed which she found fulfilling?

It is possible that she didn't enjoy work and so marriage and being a SAHM was her preference. She was with a nice guy who could be a provider and allow her to do that so she 'settled'. OP I think you sound like a good guy but perhaps you have never been the right guy for her but you enabled her to have the family and lifestyle she wanted. She loved you for that at first but after nearly two decades she doesn't want to fake the passion and intimacy any more.

bookofeibon · 13/05/2024 17:05

Swimmingtosurvive · 13/05/2024 16:38

I'm very sorry that I have come across that way and can see your point. I honestly wanted some impartial advice. My male friends would not give that and I don't feel close to female colleagues to share this with. My other female friends are mutual friends and I wouldn't want to put them into the situation.

In all of my posts I have tried to honestly answer the questions put to me. If that has come across that I am being unreasonable then I am sorry. I'm just trying to navigate a tricky situation and trying to unpick why this might be happening. There have been lots of helpful posts that are helping me see things from a different perspective.

Show quote history

Thankyou for that. I know I said I wouldn't post again, but I had to acknowledge this post. I'm sorry for the tone I used on this thread - it wasn't right.

Now I'm here can I just suggest something here, which may not be relevant, but feels important? Is there any chance that this isn't really about you at all, but is about your wife's challenges "letting go" of your kids as they grow up?

Some people, and it sounds like your wife is one, find parenting just so unbelievably wonderful and validating that it's just the best thing they've ever done, or will do. For those people it can be so hard as children grow up and become more independent - especially if "being there 24/7" has been the identity they've adopted as a parent. Works if your kids are very small. Becomes less appropriate as they get much older. But in the middle (i.e. the age of your kids) - can lead to so many feelings of loss.

What I'm saying is, is there a chance that your wife doesn't want to focus on your adult relationship/go back to work/etc not because it's you, but because that would mean accepting that her role is changing with your children forever and she may never get those feelings back? For instance, the stuff about not wanting childminders, wanting to be there for all after school clubs... it feels a little this way...

Speaking as someone who has been there x

Original poster
Swimmingtosurvive · 13/05/2024 17:28

bookofeibon · 13/05/2024 17:05

Thankyou for that. I know I said I wouldn't post again, but I had to acknowledge this post. I'm sorry for the tone I used on this thread - it wasn't right.

Now I'm here can I just suggest something here, which may not be relevant, but feels important? Is there any chance that this isn't really about you at all, but is about your wife's challenges "letting go" of your kids as they grow up?

Some people, and it sounds like your wife is one, find parenting just so unbelievably wonderful and validating that it's just the best thing they've ever done, or will do. For those people it can be so hard as children grow up and become more independent - especially if "being there 24/7" has been the identity they've adopted as a parent. Works if your kids are very small. Becomes less appropriate as they get much older. But in the middle (i.e. the age of your kids) - can lead to so many feelings of loss.

What I'm saying is, is there a chance that your wife doesn't want to focus on your adult relationship/go back to work/etc not because it's you, but because that would mean accepting that her role is changing with your children forever and she may never get those feelings back? For instance, the stuff about not wanting childminders, wanting to be there for all after school clubs... it feels a little this way...

Speaking as someone who has been there x

Edited
Show quote history

Thank you so much. I'm glad you did come back and post because that is something that I've not considered. That's why I wanted to post on here to hear perspectives that I've overlooked.

OP posts:
Equivo · 13/05/2024 17:33

Combattingthemoaners · 13/05/2024 16:47

But surely this is the case for every story/scenario posted then as it’s always from one persons point of view? We never hear the male partners version of events either but plenty of people still offer advice.

Show quote history

This.

I don't know why some people are determined to disbelieve the op and act as it's his fault no matter what he says to the contrary.

Is it possible he's lying? Yes of course, as it is for every other poster on this site. But if a woman had posted exactly what has been said here but with the make female roles reversed there would not be lots of posters trying to find a way to make it his fault.

Are men at fault in many unhappy relationships? Yes. Are men always at fault? No. Just as men can suddenly become abusive after marriage and children (and no one would then be crying 'there's always two at fault, what did you do to make him hit you?') so can women.

Just as for any women who post we have to give advice based on the scenario as described. If in fact the op is lying/omitting some massively important detail then the only one he's hurting (with that lie) is himself. People replying to his post assuming him to be telling the truth aren't providing him with a character witness for court or getting into a relationship with him off the back of it. They're advising him his relationship is over. If he then takes that advice and walks away from what is actually a wonderful woman, who he's completely misrepresented, then he's the one who has lost out. If on the other hand we convince him he's at fault even though everything he says suggests the opposite, then we're no better than any of the institutions who have for so many years ignored women and told them they are at fault for their husbands failings or abuse.

Figgygal · 13/05/2024 17:35

Deargodletitgo · 13/05/2024 16:51

My DP was in a marriage like this, he worked, she got to be the stay at home mum she had always wanted and had no further time for him as a man. He left, I think you should do the same.

And yes, surprisingly some women are in the wrong in a relationship and can be selfish and over ride their partners needs...it's not a trait solely limited to men.

Bloody right
Shes quite happy you propping up her lifestyle with no investment or care in you or your relationship?
Kids are in school now too millions of households have two working parents so there's no need for her not to be working now

Would she consider counselling? Women are always told on here they don't need to stay in similar relationships neither do you.

Mischance · 13/05/2024 17:43

One of the difficulties with relationships over the years is that they can gradually slide into a level of intimacy (or absence thereof) that becomes habitual, and it feels a huge leap to get out of that - and it is always easy to put it aside with the general busyness of family life. But unfortunately the longer it goes on, the more it is normalised and harder to break away from.

I can see why your wife might feel a bit like that - things are ticking along nicely and rocking the boat might feel an unnecessary disruption to her.

BUT - you say that when she told you she did not want to revive your relationship but wanted to concentrate on family you "broke down." Now that is hard to brush off or ignore - or it would be for most people. That is a bit worrying. Do you think she cares about you - as you - at all?

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 13/05/2024 18:12

Personally, I think her attitude/approach is awful.

She won't discuss it or do anything about it. No couples therapy nothing.

She has decided this is what she wants and you don't come into it.

She wants you to fund her lifestyle and not upset her routine. Fuck that.

I think it's time for the hard conversation.

"Are you still in love with me and do you want to save or marriage because I'm at the point of no longer wanting to continue with how things are?"

One person in a relationship cannot call all the shots.

Medschoolmum · 13/05/2024 18:33

orangely · 13/05/2024 16:25

I understand why women are suspiscious, the OP has described what many would recognise as a script of their own lives if told from the other perspective. My DP would tell a story very similar to the one that the OP is saying about me: he does 50/50, I lead a life of leisure, I'm selfish and spend time with friends intead of him. He conveniently leaves out the bit where I don't sleep with him or go on dates with him because he regularly screams insults at me, is always berating me, calls me every name under the sun, is controlling and takes any opportunity to "accidentally" hurt me by shoving into me or pushing me. I hate him. He hates me. We stay together for the kids (I don't care that you all think it's damaging, before anyone starts). If you asked DP he would say almost everything the OP is saying, with the exception of the me not working, and even then he minimises it and says I work part time (I don't, I earn more than him - if I ever mention this he starts shouting that I'm a typical fucking woman who wants everything paid for me, I'm a fucking cunt).

I've already said (under a different username) what I think in this case. I think that the OP is being genuine, his wife doesn't love him, he should give her one more chance at couples therapy if he loves her and if she's not up for fixing the problem then he should leave. Nothing but well wishes towards OP, who comes across as nice, genuinely concerned, and going through a tough problem. But I really don't like female posters getting a telling off from other women for voicing concern or asking questions. Many of the women on this forum have had bad experiences and their questions are legitimate.

I think you're probably right that some women are reacting in a particular way because they recognise the OP as the script of their own lives as told by their partner. That would explain a lot.

In some cases, those women might have a genuine story to tell, like yours, where there are additional details that have been left out of the story. I'm so sorry that your H hurts and abuses you, and I'm even sorrier that you have convinced yourself to stay because for some reason you believe that it's better for your children that way.

But I think there will be other women who read this without any of those mitigating factors, and maybe seeing the OP's point of view and others' reactions to it just highlights how unreasonable they may be being in their own relationships. So they naturally start looking for reasons to blame the man because their instinct is to defend the wife at all costs.

It's much better, of course, if people can just base their responses on what the OP actually says, rather than projecting their own emotions and experiences on to it. Of course, there will always be another side to every story, and there is nothing wrong with expressing concern or asking questions, but the OP should be given a fair hearing, regardless of gender, and posters shouldn't make assumptions or jump to conclusions on the basis of their own life experience. Each situation is different.

Chocyaddict · 13/05/2024 18:40

Swimmingtosurvive · 13/05/2024 08:09

Thanks for all your replies. To answer a few of the points raised.

She says that she still wants to be with me but only for the kids. Said I am a great father and husband but just that she has no interest in spending time with me. She just wants all of us to be a family together and spend time the 4 of us.

I feel that I have always pulled my weight around house and kids. The only exception is when I am at work she takes more responsibility for the kids. When I am at home I spend as much time as possible with them including sorting meal times, doing the bath and bed routines and taking to clubs where possible.

She has friends and an active social life. She meets up with two sets of friends each week and also has other hobbies - couple of hours volunteering at a charity, gym classes and art club. These she does during the day so that it doesn't impact her time with the kids.

To the poster who mentioned peri menopause. Don't want to go into details but this was ruled out recently.

OP I have read all your posts on this thread but this one really stands out to me. She doesn’t want you, she wants you there to give her an easy life. She doesn’t work, contributes nothing financially, is swanning off to the gym or on socials, you pick up a share of the housework and I assume kids are at school during the day? She’s getting a lot out of this marriage; all her needs seem to be met. What are you getting? I feel annoyed you’re being treated this way.

Get your ducks in a row and divorce. You deserve to be appreciated. You only get one life and this is not the way to waste it.

Hoolagan · 13/05/2024 18:43

I’ve read the first couple of pages. My initial thoughts agreed with everyone else BUT my main overriding question is what would she say???? Because I bet there is two sides to this story. I don’t think she would say exactly the same as what you have written

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 13/05/2024 18:44

Pre kids did you satisfy her sexually? Did she enjoy sex (ie orgasms)? If not, then this might be the simple reason why she doesn’t want her sex life with you back. She would avoid casual affection because that might lead to sex which she would prefer to avoid.

TheCadoganArms · 13/05/2024 19:08

Hoolagan · 13/05/2024 18:43

I’ve read the first couple of pages. My initial thoughts agreed with everyone else BUT my main overriding question is what would she say???? Because I bet there is two sides to this story. I don’t think she would say exactly the same as what you have written

Surely you can ask that for every single OP on the relationship boards.

LakeSnake · 13/05/2024 19:18

Combattingthemoaners · 13/05/2024 16:47

But surely this is the case for every story/scenario posted then as it’s always from one persons point of view? We never hear the male partners version of events either but plenty of people still offer advice.

Show quote history

Nope.
Some scenarios are clear cut - they usually involve abuse (emotional, physical, financial) or someone really taking the mick (eg a cocklodger refusing to do anything at all in the house AND isn’t working).
Those are clear cut and the advice on MN can be invaluable.

In the not so clear cut situations, which there are many, I feel that MN isn’t the right place and is if ten pushing an agenda. And this might be going the right way or the wrong way tbh (eg poster feeling even more guilty and the issue is all in them when it very probably isn’t).
The OP falls into that category.

Original poster
Swimmingtosurvive · 13/05/2024 19:19

Hoolagan · 13/05/2024 18:43

I’ve read the first couple of pages. My initial thoughts agreed with everyone else BUT my main overriding question is what would she say???? Because I bet there is two sides to this story. I don’t think she would say exactly the same as what you have written

I don't know exactly what she would say, this is half of my problem. If I knew that then I would be able to work on things.

OP posts:
LakeSnake · 13/05/2024 19:20

Did you ask her the question @Swimmingtosurvive ?

Original poster
Swimmingtosurvive · 13/05/2024 19:22

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 13/05/2024 18:44

Pre kids did you satisfy her sexually? Did she enjoy sex (ie orgasms)? If not, then this might be the simple reason why she doesn’t want her sex life with you back. She would avoid casual affection because that might lead to sex which she would prefer to avoid.

Yes, we did have great sex before kids. Obviously not going into too much detail but they would more often than not make sure we were both satisfied.

OP posts:
Original poster
Swimmingtosurvive · 13/05/2024 20:06

LakeSnake · 13/05/2024 19:20

Did you ask her the question @Swimmingtosurvive ?

Which question exactly? Must admit I've lost track a bit of what's been said in the thread.

OP posts:
LakeSnake · 13/05/2024 20:11

Swimmingtosurvive · 13/05/2024 20:06

Which question exactly? Must admit I've lost track a bit of what's been said in the thread.

Show quote history

Sorry, I was referring to your post just above mine.

So did you ask her how she sees things? Aka what does she think is the issue and why. Not just accepting the ‘I can’t give you the intimacy/couple relationship you want’ but looking at why you’ve ended up up in that position

See the 50/50, lack of communication etc….

Original poster
Swimmingtosurvive · 13/05/2024 20:21

LakeSnake · 13/05/2024 20:11

Sorry, I was referring to your post just above mine.

So did you ask her how she sees things? Aka what does she think is the issue and why. Not just accepting the ‘I can’t give you the intimacy/couple relationship you want’ but looking at why you’ve ended up up in that position

See the 50/50, lack of communication etc….

Show quote history

Ah right. Yes I have asked. Not in the same conversation but a few days later when I'd composed myself. She said that she just didn't want to spend time with just me and that time as a family was more important. She said I was a great dad and she couldn't ask for more from a husband, but she just couldn't stand the thought of us spending time together and that she has no interest in doing that. I said that I wanted more of a relationship, not in physical terms but on a partnership/emotional/friendship way and build our relationship back up as we felt right at the time.

She once again she couldn't give me that. I asked if she wanted me to leave and if we should seperate and she said no she didn't want that. That she wanted us as a family unit and we could see how our relationship was in 10/15 years when the kids had left home. I said I didn't know if I could wait that long to which her reply was that she could wait that long and we needed to think of stability for the kids.

OP posts:
LakeSnake · 13/05/2024 20:22

Fwiw I have in some ways reacted like your dwife.

For me, it was

  • me being exhausted of being THE parent whilst his life went unchanged. He carried on working, went away with work, did his hobbies so wasn’t physically there 50% of the time. The other 50% he was only ‘helping’ as didn’t know the routine etc…
  • me wanting to still build a family life despite dh being away so much at weekends. So that took precedence over our couple. Plus we didn’t have any family support around us to be able to leave the dcs anyway.
  • Crap communication and dh inability to listen and empathise so I retreated to protect myself after raising issues many times and feeling I had a wall in front of me.
  • Me taking in too much, trying to do it all when I should have simply dropped stuff and let him get on with things.
fwiw dh would have said that we had always had a 50/50 approach. Which was true before having children. But not true when dcs came along. But because he wasn’t doing any of the ‘extra’ work never quite realised how much there was despite me repeatedly telling him. It got better when I started to work most WE and he had to be THE parent. Then and only then he realised. A lot of damage had been done by then…. :(:(

id like to point out that if your youngest is 5yo, your dwife had to deal with all the toddler years with much less contact/support/going out that mothers usually have. It must have been pretty hard period for her…. Esp if you were also wfh at the time.

TheChippendenSpook · 13/05/2024 20:23

For your own sake, I think you should seriously think about your future without her. You need to be happy.

LakeSnake · 13/05/2024 20:29

@Swimmingtosurvive So she hasn’t told you WHY she got there.

You dint know if she suddenly got the ick, think you’ve hurt her too many times (think death by a thousand cuts rather than one big event), has lost her libido etc…
The answer she gave you is about placating you to keep the status quo. You’re a great dad and husband. It’s not you, it’s me.
That sort of answer is usually due to fear. Fear of separating, fear of raising issues, esp big issues, fear of hurting the dcs in the process etc….
This can come from her upbringing, from the way you’ve responded before and so on.

ColorfulHops · 13/05/2024 20:42

i suspect its PPD that never got resolved and the relationship just went separate ways... i am so sorry that this happened and I can appreciate its hard for men (my wee brother had the same problem).