Wife no longer interested since kids - advice

[Swimmingtosurvive]

Really would appreciate another perspective in this situation from somebody who may have been in a similar boat.

Me and wife have been together for 19 years, married for 12 and now have two kids (8 and 5). Since kids have been born our relationship has nose dived. We have maybe 1 date night a year but even that is stopping. We haven't been intimate since second child was born. It just feels like there's nothing left.

I feel like I've tried to make an effort. Quite a few times I've tried to arrange for us to go out or have a date night at home, but it's been refused. I try to go out of my way to be there and help her. Yet it isn't reciprocal.

I'm fully aware that the situation will be down to both of us and that I will have made mistakes that contribute to this. I have tried to speak to my wife about it. She has just said that since having the kids she has no interest in spending time with me but that I've done nothing wrong. The kids are here focus.

My worry is that if we don't look after our relationship, it is ultimately going to affect the kids and when they leave home we'll be left with nothing. That hurt really badly and I've been having some counselling since. She would not agree to couples therapy when I suggested it.

Would really appreciate some advice. Maybe there's something I've missed or someone has had similar feelings to me/wife. Any thing will help.

Op has asked his wife and she has told him she wants to be a mother and not a wife. Being a wife includes intimacy both mentally and physically… sex c usually included but that is up to the couple.

your wife may love you but doesn’t sound like she is in love with you op. Your relationship won’t exist in 10-15 years imo . So you stay for kids and accept you move on when they’re grown or do it now. She’s told you she’s done with you quite explicitly but happy to maintain the status quo . The next step is up to you

She said I was a great dad and she couldn't ask for more from a husband, but she just couldn't stand the thought of us spending time together and that she has no interest in doing that.

She couldn't stand the thought of spending time with you?

But she couldn't ask for more from a husband than she's getting now? What she's getting now is the house, the help parenting, the money she doesn't earn and an intimacy-free and sex-free life. She can't even make small talk with you while you watch tv.

But she wants to reassess the relationship in 10-15 years when the kids grow up. Guaranteed you will split then because after twenty years of nothing between you it will be a dead relationship. But after a marriage that length she will get half of all the assets including your pension.

Maybe it's Post natal depression. Maybe it's that she just fell out of love. But you deserve more for the next 40-50 years.

@Swimmingtosurvive
I'm sorry but your wife has laid out her intentions very clearly. She wants the family unit but no relationship with you. She wants you to pay for her choices but to have it all in her terms.
Without meaning to be rude I think that she is walking all over you. There's no love or respect from her side and it seems contemptuous. So, in 15 years time when your youngest is leaving for uni and you turn to your wife and say it's time for us now, what's she going to say? I will tell you what she'll say - oh no, Swimming it's far too late for that and for us so let's get divorced and I will take 50% of everything you have worked for.
I am actually feeling quite furious at your wife's attitude as she gives us SAHP a bad name and in the nicest way you really need to develop a back bone.

OP, my advice to you is to leave now. She doesn't love you and it isn't going to change but she is happy to use you and take your money.

If you're not going to leave, I think you need to insist that she goes back to work ASAP, because it sounds like she plans to leave in 15 years or so when your kids leave home. She needs to build back her career now so that she won't be financially dependent on you then, otherwise you will be shafted financially as well.

Thanks this is really useful. There are some things there that I could see that she may be thinking. The thing about not knowing the routine strikes a chord. She has told me before not to get involved with certain things because I don't know how it's done.

We don't have family around as we live close to where we went to university. That does make childcare more difficult as we don't want to rely on friends all the time when we can't give in return. Although I work I'm almost always home by 5 so have a good couple of hours together and I make sure I don't have any commitments over the weekend so we can have family time.

I do feel there is some lack of communication. From what I've read today on here I feel like I've missed something and she probably doesn't feel listened to about something. A few possibilities have come up here so if nothing else I've got some ideas.

She does take on more than she should in some circumstances. An example we went on holiday recently and I saw there was a lot to do so offered to and packed one of the kids bags once I'd done my things and the general family things. She unpacked it to see if I'd done it correctly. I guess there's something to unpick in that situation there!

I like to think I take on 50/50 of the work, but may be underestimating the amount of things that happen when I'm at work. I am just basing it on when I'm around and coming home to lots of housework and organizing to still be done.

Well she couldn’t be clearer really could she? She doesn’t want you - just your money, home, stability for the kids.

What are you going to do?

I have just had a conversation with her again about this. I've explained how I am feeling by it all and that I am scared that our marriage is falling apart. She said that she doesn't want us to split up but that she just can't give me the relationship I want by spending more time together. I pressed a bit on this but got the same answer. She even said that we've been over this before, I said that I'm hurting so much that whatever she said wouldn't hurt me more than what I'm already feeling. She said there was nothing to tell other than she didn't want to spend time together and that there was nothing I'd done either deliberately or unconsciously.

She seems to have blocked her feelings off so much I would worry she has a mental illness. The idea that you would be married to - and financially dependent on someone - whom you actually can't bear to spend time with and expect them to be ok with you saying that and refusing to discuss further is honestly quite mad.

Do you think it could possibly be a fear of intimacy post children? Did she have birth trauma? Does she feel physically/sexually confident ( this is not something you can answer, even if you find her attractive) ?
Maybe she’s avoiding being nice to you because of where it will lead. And it’s something she doesn’t want to face

She sounds intensely selfish

I agree she actually sounds selfish and entitled, as well as emotionally shut down. She might spout ‘doing it for the kids’ but what she’s proposing is a terrible example for their future relationships.

She has a leisured life with daytime hobbies and lots of time for friends, and a doting husband that funds it and still does 50/50 on the domestic front. But doesn’t really want anything to do with you unless you’re populating her idea of being the perfect mother by standing in the father role. She’s happy for you to fund and support her until she decides she’s done.

I get the reflex of posters to find a reason, but maybe she’s just become someone who isn’t very nice? If the roles were reversed I think people would be a lot less generous

I have just had a conversation with her again about this. I've explained how I am feeling by it all and that I am scared that our marriage is falling apart. She said that she doesn't want us to split up but that she just can't give me the relationship I want by spending more time together. I pressed a bit on this but got the same answer. She even said that we've been over this before, I said that I'm hurting so much that whatever she said wouldn't hurt me more than what I'm already feeling. She said there was nothing to tell other than she didn't want to spend time together and that there was nothing I'd done either deliberately or unconsciously.

So she gave you no reassurance when you expressed your fears for the state of your marriage.
She wants the relationship to continue but doesn't want to spend more time with you. So she wants the APPEARANCE or a relationship along with the financial security that brings.
When pressed to communicate she said 'but we've been over this before' to try to shut you down and stop you talking.
There's nothing to tell, you haven't done anything = stonewalling.

She seems quite cold and unemotional.

*So she's a SAHM and you support her. It sounds like things are 50:50.

You're friends with kids. She wants to be taken care of and give nothing back emotionally.

I think you're flogging a dead horse. You're staying together for the kids and supporting a freeloader.

Leave if you want to be happy*

I haven't read past the first page, but I agree with the above. I'd feel very hurt if I was in your position. I'd feel as if she used me to have children and live a comfy life. She's basically said so - that the children are what matter to her.

If the children are 5 and 8, they are in school right? And if you go to work as well as come home and share the household and children responsibilities - what does she do all day while they're gone? Doesn't sound like she actually really contributes much and she refuses to work on the relationship.

So I'd end it.

And I wouldn't spend any time analyzing why she's behaving as she is or why she doesn't want to spend time with you . She is refusing to communicate or try to implement any change and clearly doesn't care how you feel or that it's hurting you. There just isn't anything there for you to work with. And that is not your fault. It takes two people to make a marriage work. You shouldn't feel any guilt about putting an end to this. You already tried what you could to engage her/find out what's wrong and she has no interest. She seems quite selfish.

I’m so sorry you’re in this situation, it must be very upsetting and frustrating for you.
It sounds like your wife has entirely checked out of your marriage and for whatever reason doesn’t want to explain why/how or work to repair it in any way at this time. Personally I couldn’t stay in a loveless marriage but that’s a decision you’ll need to make for you.

Given how cold and unwilling she is being with you, is there any possibility that she is having an affair?

I don't think she's being selfish, she's just being honest. It's up to the OP what to do with this information. No

I know that my H doesn't like me and doesn't want to spend time with me. It would be a relief for him to say it out loud as the OP's wife has, so we could stop pretending and make a decision together.

Hello OP. From what you told us, I really think that your relationship is over. I know that many people decide to stay together for the sake of kids and family, and it seems that this is what your wife is doing. Whether or not you want to accept this is up to you, I know that I would not be able to live like this forever.

If I were you I would talk to her again and suggest couples counselling, but have a feeling that she will reject this idea. Good luck to you.

You could just end it if you wanted to?

Hi OP.
I've read your whole thread. To recap:

-no sex, intimacy or affection for 5 years
-wife does not want to spend time with you
-she does not love you.
-She isn't interested in date nights.
-wife doesn't work but has active social life while you work and kids are at school
-wife won't discuss anything further and has made it clear - you are there as the dad and earner ONLY
-She doesn't respect or love you at all. You are doing far too much and thinking the nicer you are and the harder to try, the more chance she will communicate with you and change her mind. I think the opposite is true. She has you under full control. She is ice cold towards you. It's time to break away. Nobody can live like this. It's no example to your kids!

My advice - STOP TRYING RIGHT NOW. Keep your self respect and take control of your terrible situation. Come on fella, you are flogging a dead horse. See a family law solicitor and get a good one. Decide what you want. Start divorce proceedings. Do not tip her off. I have a feeling there is a lot more going on with her (casual affairs, hiding money - I don't know) and she will go fully ballistic and manipulative on you if she thinks she will lose her lovely life. She will fight you. She is not your friend. BEWARE. Get organised in every detail. I hope you find love and happiness, but you have to act. Life is short. GO GET IT.

Don’t tip her off?

This is the mother of his children. I would strongly advise op to treat her with dignity and respect, and make arrangements for the future cordially and with kindness if he indeed wishes to leave.

You’re being used : stop trying to invent hoops to jump through. Take some time by yourself to think it all through and gather you’re inner strength. Then when you’ve faced the realty of the situation and accepted that you need to make a life for yourself and pursue you’re own happiness go and see a solicitor and start planning your exit, in detail. Start by putting yourself first and look to our own future.

This isn’t a rehearsal. You get one go at this life so don’t waste it. Once you understand that you’ll start to get excited about your future life.

Good luck and keep moving forward.

It sounds like she doesn't even like you anymore. There's nothing you can do except separate.

If she is saying "we've been over this before"

Then there is an issue, she had raised it, and you haven't seen it as important.

It is likely your marriage actually fell apart 3/4/5 years ago and your wife spent significant energy trying to communicate with you at that point.

It is likely she is checked out now because she tried to raise the issue with you a few times and got nowhere so decided it wasn't worth trying to fix a marriage with no communication.

If I had to guess I'd guess that the point she left work after returning with baby number 2 is a likely point where she felt unsupported.

@Octavia64

Unsupported? I wish I was as unsupported as the posters wife. She doesn't work, he takes over all childcare on weekends and also gets up first on mornings to do packed lunches etc. and he cooks all.the meals!

She's a freeloader who sees her husband as nothing but a walking wallet. Op needs to divorce her. She doesn't care about him. She's told him to his face that she can't stand spending time with him!

Having read your last, I think you should just get up this morning and tell her it's over. You have tried, she is telling you that she isn't interested, there really is no point in prolonging the agony. Tell someone in real life that you are separating and then get on with it. I know it's going to be hard for you to say and do, but please don't let it carry on like this. You are young enough to start again and even being by yourself is better than this.