Wife no longer interested since kids - advice

[Swimmingtosurvive]

Really would appreciate another perspective in this situation from somebody who may have been in a similar boat.

Me and wife have been together for 19 years, married for 12 and now have two kids (8 and 5). Since kids have been born our relationship has nose dived. We have maybe 1 date night a year but even that is stopping. We haven't been intimate since second child was born. It just feels like there's nothing left.

I feel like I've tried to make an effort. Quite a few times I've tried to arrange for us to go out or have a date night at home, but it's been refused. I try to go out of my way to be there and help her. Yet it isn't reciprocal.

I'm fully aware that the situation will be down to both of us and that I will have made mistakes that contribute to this. I have tried to speak to my wife about it. She has just said that since having the kids she has no interest in spending time with me but that I've done nothing wrong. The kids are here focus.

My worry is that if we don't look after our relationship, it is ultimately going to affect the kids and when they leave home we'll be left with nothing. That hurt really badly and I've been having some counselling since. She would not agree to couples therapy when I suggested it.

Would really appreciate some advice. Maybe there's something I've missed or someone has had similar feelings to me/wife. Any thing will help.

But she wants and actively looks to maintain this situation so I think she's probably having a lovely time.

OP has not chosen this and does not want it.

Staying in a loveless marriage is a bad message to send our kids about relationships and you can bet that certainly the eldest will soon know what's going on.

I get some people are busy and can't read an entire thread but jeez at least try reading all the OPs posts.

OP
she has what she wants, a full time job looking after kids and you paying for it.

she has been very clear she has no interest in a relationship without so I’d be leaving.

@Swimmingtosurvive this is no way to live. in your shoes, I would be looking for a way out

She has just said that since having the kids she has no interest in spending time with me but that I've done nothing wrong.

Did she actually say that? Like, those actual words? Or, is there a possibility you are misperceiving and/or misrepresenting what she said, or missing all the context out in your version of it?

I have to say I find that a lot of your subsequent posts are full of what feel like very subtle digs towards her.

Also, are you male? If so, I'm suspicious about why you're posting this on this site, particularly given the above. If you are another gender then I take this back obvs

How many times / how often have you discussed this issue with her OP? The advice would be different if you’ve had 1 conversation versus weekly discussions.

One small thing you can implement to make a difference: introduce a daily ritual. For example once the chores are done and before you switch on the tv, sit down with a cup of tea and spend 5 minutes talking to each other about your day. You both need to feel seen & heard by the other, before you can move onto bringing affection and intimacy back.

People are being very harsh in the comments towards your wife as you’ve described her as having a very nice very easy life. In reality it is too easy to fall into this trap (lack of intimacy) after having kids and it happens to many couples. It doesn’t mean she is purposefully taking you for a ride.

I doubt his wife has chosen to be in this situation either. But if she prefers it to the alternative, and it's a stable environment for the kids, then the father choosing to plough all that up for his own sake would be a bad message to send.

We discussed a few times about spending more.time together etc. her reply has been that she 'cant give me that's and that we should focus on family time. She has said plenty of times she isn't interested in spending time just the two of us.

Yes I am male. I have come on here for some impartial anonymous advice. Colleagues talk about this site but I don't feel comfortable talking to them about the situation. All my male friends are next to useless trying to see the big picture or empathise with my wife's point of view. By coming here I was hoping for that.

Get a Shit Hot Lawyer OP and get out of this dead marriage.

I'm sure she'll suddenly rediscover your appeal when she realises her time on the gravy train is coming to an end.

You could apply for 50/50 PR as you're already doing much more than your share.

Good luck to you, I Hope you find a loving relationship going forward.

Agree with this.

She can get a job to support herself too

WTF? She prefers it to the alternative so he needs to suck it up? Would you say the same if she was really unhappy but the husband wanted to maintain the status quo?

Stable or not, it absolutely isn't in the best interests of the children to model a completely dysfunctional relationship between the parents. And in any case, if it was really about staying together for the sake of the children, she would surely be invested in making the relationship work, going to couples therapy etc. They will not do their kids any favours by staying in a loveless marriage... quite the contrary, they'll probably end up fucking their kids up for life because they will have no concept of what a happy, healthy relationship might look like.

I don't think she wants to stay in the relationship for the children. I think she just wants the OP to carry on funding her lifestyle and doing half of the work.

Can I ask what your life together was like in the 10 years you were together pre-kids? Was it very passionate and intimate or were you sliding towards housemates during that period?

Are you trying to get back something you previously had or was it never really there even in the beginning?

Ignore the previous poster, OP. There are lots of men on this site and you are perfectly welcome to post here.

As the saying goes, it takes 2 to tango. If she won't try counselling /therapy, won't discuss exactly how she is prepared to meet you half way, then I would suggest that you can't improve the situation by yourself.

It's not because I don't think men should be here.

We all know from our own experience that it's far more likely that this point about her "not being interested in him" has emerged from complex discussions and has a context. For instance, it may be that SHE was asking HIM to do more "family time", and the rest flowed from there. We really have no idea.

My concern is that here we have a man who has successfully painted his wife in such a black and white way that other women are piling in to say how "awful" she is and how he should leave her immediately. Go back over his posts - read them carefully - you'll see how he's done it, consciously or not. Him the "reasonable victim", her the aggressor. Huge red flags. Is it ever that simple?

And in that context, his choice to post here on a mainly female site has a bit of a different feel to it, eh?

I’d try couple counselling especially as the lack of intimacy (not sex) has been ongoing for years

I fully agree with you @Swimmingtosurvive that it’s likely that you BOTH made mistakes, something a lot of posters seem to forget. It’s so much easier to think in black and white rather than grey isn’t it?
I don’t think you’ll find an answer from posters on here. You need to both be looking at your marriage, and what you’d like moving forward.

eg your dwife seems to think that your dcs come first and everything should be organised around them. You don’t and want the marriage to be another strong focal point (with good reasons imo)
You are saying that tasks are divided 50/50 but keep talking about ‘helping your dwife’ which makes me think she’d have a very different outlook.

I’m not sure your dwife will agree to that. If she isn’t, I’d go for counselling in your own. Then decide what you want, what can be salvaged or what can do done/looked at differently (there isn’t one way to do a marriage for example).

Be aware of ‘she is just lazy and a freeloader’.
If she is, as i suspect, holding all the mental load whilst you are helping (a lot but helping still rather than taking responsibility. Why would you say repeatedly helping rather than doing?), then I can see why she doesn’t want to go back to work - doing it all, work plus the mental load etc… (and yes most if not all mums do that. It doesn’t mean it’s right or that it’s easily manageable).

And then again, there is the question as to why you’ve decided to have a second child if there was already no intimacy in your marriage (if I got the timings right).

Tbh I dont think anyone can tell you of your marriage is salvageable.
I don’t think anyone can tell you if it’s worth trying to save that marriage.

But I think trying to understand the Whys (that you don’t understand yet) is essential. Whether it’s about this current marriage or about deciding to separate (and for you to then build another relationship), the more you’ll understand about your part in the situation, about how to communicate (because there sure is a breakdown in communication),the better the outcome for you iyswim

I try to go out of my way to be there and help her. Yet it isn't reciprocal.

You are not helping her by taking a share of the work to run a house and family. you are just being a grown up.

The kids are here focus.

This is a problem and a lot of women get focused like this. The partner relationship does need to be nurtured in order to stay strong.

She would not agree to couples therapy when I suggested it.

That is a pity.

The best thing you can do is honestly ask yourself if you are doing 50% of the work to keep the family running. And if so, can you live like this until they are adults.

Your kids are 8 & 5. Have you suggested that she go back to work? That you might be interested in going part time for example. Whether you are or not is irrelevant for now. It's a useful test of whether she feels that the kids need full time after school care and she has no option but to be at home.

In your shoes I'd be quite concerned that the longer this goes on the better her case for spousal support and staying in the house FT until the kids leave school?

I'm sorry but I also think that she is no longer in love with you, totally takes you for granted and is perfectly happy to live as she does making no financial contribution to the family income. I think you will do neither of you any favours to continue to live with the situation as eventually it will blow up and you may find you have "denied" her ability to work for years and as a PP has said, she's entitled to half your pension. Which would be fine if you had a loving fulfilling marriage but you don't.

Either way, you don't sound terribly old. It's no way to live. Better to split now while the kids are young rather than bring them up to view this as normal. Give both of you a chance to find fulfilling partnerships before one or both of you are as a bitter as hell.

I wouldn't remain in a marriage like this OP. I think it sounds as if you have tried everything you can, and good on you for doing that. I would tell her that you'd like to separate, so you both need to start looking at what that entails – her getting a job being the main one.

OP said she has no interest in working, despite initially going back to work after mat leave for their 5yr old.

Both kids in school now, no reason she can't get a part time job.

It sounds grim @Swimmingtosurvive

I don’t see why people are giving you such a hard time. We can only take what any poster says at face value. There are a lot of people here who specialise in being contrary and antagonistic to anyone who posts, as far as I can tell.

I can only say what I would say to any female friend telling me about a similar situation. If your partner won’t agree to therapy/couples counselling to try to work on the relationship, then the only way forward is to end it. Your children, ultimately, won’t thank you for staying in a loveless marriage for their sakes and it’s a terrible example to set them for their own futures.

Good luck 🍀

Agree that's what the OP said and agree with you too. But it's not clear that he's actually asked or pressed the issue. Or in any way inferred that it's expected that she contribute economically not as a trade off for sex, but because she has the life of Riley and does not appear to occur to her that this is in anyway unfair?

Look, she's not interested in you. You've said it, she's said it. That's all there is to it.

Forget about flogging that dead horse and get yourself separated. Lawyer up.

I'm really regretting using the word help in this thread. To me in a relationship you help each other by sharing the load - whether that is with housework, emotional support, decisions and all the rest. It's not a case of this is your job and I'm helping you do it. This is how it was before children. We would often talk about helping each other out rather than one person take responsibility for something solely. We were once a team that shared everything and had a closeness which has since disappeared.

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But why shouldn't he want more? Why should he suck it up just to keep the family unit together?